Why does a friend sometimes not act like a friend?

He sounds manipulative to me. He could be using the joke excuse to get away with saying mean things while making you feel bad for feeling bad about what he says.

If he was a good friend he wouldn’t push your button just for his own pleasure. He would back off at the first sign of you feeling uncomfortable.

Everybody is different, even if just a little. You can’t expect the world (or even a friend) to always think the way you do.

@kritiper I certainly don’t expect anyone to think like me. I do expect people to not intentionally try to make me feel bad or uncomfortable for no good reason at all. I would never intentionally make up a situation out of thin air that is designed to make someone feel bad. Sam has done this to me nearly every time we get together.

Sam is an ass.
His jabs can be funny, of course, but if you have asked him repeatedly why he does so, and other than telling you you’re too serious, does not even contemplate your possible feelings about it, he’s an ass.
A bit empathy goes a long way (especially in friendship).
It could be that he cannot grasp the severity of it all (to your feelings), and then it could help to one time take him to the side and seriously talk to him about it.
Keep ‘the problem’ in your field, so to speak (don’t accuse him or blaim him), and say that you are hurting (or other words that portray how you feel).
Good luck.

I can only speak from my experiences, but I think Sam may be actually trying to help you in his own way.
Many Type A’s seem to push buttons intentionally to get you out of your head by shock humor. For more sensitive types, it can definately be confusing and considered cruel.
All you can do is discuss it honestly with him and see if he’s open to communicating differently. Perhaps your anxiety is hard for him and he doesn’t understand how to help appropriately.

Doesn’t sound like a friend to me. You can either confront him and see if he is willing to change or enjoy the good aspects of rowing with him but not look for anything more.

Since he does this frequently…WHY do you consider him a friend???

He thinks he’s being funny because it amuses HIM!!! He doesn’t care that it bothers YOU!!! I’m fairly sure that in HIS mind he feels that he’s helping you in some way & maybe he is & you just don’t see it because it makes you uncomfortable.I’d be backing off on being together very often.I’d back off on seeing him quite so often to see IF he’d even notice. My guess is that he won’t notice & at that point, I’d be looking for some NEW friends!!!

IF you were a female dating this guy, my advice would be to RUN LIKE THE WIND because he’s an abusive prick & you DESERVE better!!! Well, he IS an abusive prick & you DO deserve better, so start looking for new friends!!!

Sounds like Sam is entertained by pushing your buttons. You see this as mean because you don’t particularly enjoy having your buttons pushed. But Sam’s treatment toward you is apparently not that aggregious since you still consider him a friend.

I think you asked the wrong question. Sam being mean is irrelevant. You KNOW why Sam is the way he is. The real question is, why do you complain about someone whose company you enjoy 80% of the time?

The answer is you enjoy Sam’s company and you’re willing to overlook the 20% when Sam is being mean.

Some friendships are like that.

I was on a zoom meeting about sense of humor a week ago and the presenter named various types of jokes and humor that people find funny or not funny and what crosses the line.

I brought up something that he and others in the group didn’t mention—people who think it’s funny to try to fool people. In my experience it’s almost always men doing it. I dealt with it a lot more when I was in school (k-12) and boys would tell tall tales to see if I was gullible enough to fall for it, or would rib me to see if I’d get annoyed or upset.

To me, none of that is funny at all. I don’t know if it’s a matter of whether they are good friends or not, but rather a personality trait or maybe insecurity, or they were abused that way too, and I don’t like being around it. They are like internet trolls. I guess some people do think it’s funny, but they can all go hang out together. Maybe abused is too extreme of a word, but let’s say they grew up around people with that same behavior probably. That’s what they know.

People on the receiving end often laugh a little even when they hate it, and the perpetrators only pay attention to the laugh, not the discomfort and not people actually voicing to please stop. Sound like anything else you’ve heard of?

I also added in practical jokes, I don’t find them funny.

If you actually say it bothers you and he keeps doing it then he’s compulsive and doesn’t care how you feel, so that’s not really very friendly.

Ask him outright and get answers.
If the answers are not what you would like to hear, give him an ultimatium to change or you will leave this relationship.

Get him to treat you better.

Well, he needs something to happen that makes him uncomfortable when he does it.
For example, when my daughter was a teenager she’d often say “Muuuther. I know what I’m doing.”
I learned that if I responded with a calm “No, you don’t,” it would piss her off! And she quit saying it.

Without knowing him (or even you beyond your posts), I’m inclined to be charitable in my interpretations behind the motivations of other people unless given good reasons to believe otherwise. From this perspective, I tend to agree with @KNOWITALL. I think maybe this could be a misguided attempt to “break you out of your shell.” Maybe he believes you’re walled off to him and wants you to feel comfortable enough to “let down your guard” and “open up.”

It could just be that it’s a quirk of his personality, that he’s not intending malice even if it feels that way to you.

Thank you all for your responses.
Nobody is perfect. One of my many flaws is that I’m likely too sensitive.

@gondwanalon {{{{{{ HUGGGG }}}}}}
I consider being too sensitive a GOOD trait!!!

@gondwanalon Not too sensitive. I don’t consider myself to be overly sensitive, but I have no tolerance for lies, hazing, and bullying. That is what your friend is doing. Even when it is not being done to me, but I witness it, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. When I see someone lying lie that, I ruin their lie and tell the person listening to it, that it is not true. The person telling the bullshit usually gets annoyed with me for ruining it, and I don’t give a damn.

Mimi and JLeslie are spot on.

This describes my emotionally abusive sister perfectly. She thought it was hilarious that she stressed our mother to the point that she shit her pants and she was crying out to my father for help. My sister was in tears laughing while listening to our mom on the phone. This was a year before my mother had a ruptured brain aneurysm.

Your friend has issues and their 80% fun persona isn’t worth it.