What should I do about this clingy friend?

Cling back and watch what he does. Maybe he will back off for you? Or you can be honest and say the truth. That he is getting a little bit clingy.

I was clingy in university and it took the call to the cops for me to move on. Devastated me as I was not taking the hints properly. Fucked me up when everything broke at once, from failing my studies, losing all of my friends and some of my family relationships ended. I went on disability for 20 years, and finally know I am starting to think about continuing my studies.

My oldest brother is like that. I was getting to the point of being stressed out just thinking he was going to call me as soon as I got in from work.
I started not answering the phone for a day or two, and not answering his texts until much later in the day if even at all. I feel like I trained him to not call as often by doing that without saying a word.
Good luck. It can be really annoying.

Well, it may not be my place to say this but, he was with you when you needed someone throughout your divorce, now when he needs someone to talk to and you’re backing off? Isn’t that a bit harsh? Just saying by analysing what you said. I still don’t know the whole story.

You also said your relationship is not romantic, it maybe from your point of view but he may not be feeling the same.

I strongly believe that he feels more for you than just a friend.

Unless you feel something special for him too, I would suggest to have a clear talk with him about this matter that you need a friend and not a lover.

Regards!

@Sam4One I agree with your first comment which is what makes the dilemma. However he was not my only friend. As for the romance, they’re gay and 17 years younger so that’s not an issue.

This is a question I’ve heard many times. My answer: Do not be available.

Perhaps it has to do with your memories. You may be remembering your own painful times when talking to him so frequently. It’s an idea.

I like what @chyna wrote.

@Hawaii_Jake No – it’s not that.

@janbb, glad you cleared it out. I maybe guessing too much here but If there’s a line between a friend and a lover, he might belong in that section. Judging from your comment above, he may consider you his best friend which is why he clings to you too much every now and then.

Anyway, you said he has some health problems, isn’t his partner with him? Are they having some problems perhaps? Which makes sense that the first person he would call be you.

I think you need to have a long chat with him, there must be a reason why he keeps calling you, maybe he’s going through some sort of depression due to health and job and needs counseling. These are just my assumptions.

I am disabled, and mostly housebound.
That means I get lonely sometimes.
I don’t have anyone like you to text or chat with regularly. If I did, I would want to pretty often, maybe not as much as your friend, but I understand the feeling.
You need to openly discuss how you are feeling. Suggest a schedule with limits you can be comfortable with. Explain that this would make it easier for you to plan other things.

I wouldn’t answer the phone as often if I were you. When I did take his calls, I’d limit the duration by offering an excuse, for example, “I have to get off the phone in a few minutes. I’m meeting Becky for dinner” or “I have a repairman coming at 6 for the dishwasher” or something like that.

If he’s texting a lot, just don’t respond for an hour or two or three,which is always the beauty of texting anyway. Maybe you don’t always look at your phone so no excuse needed.

I have a friend who went through some personal trauma about ten years ago, and she became very anxious and hypochondriac, and would call and talk for over an hour about very detailed medical issues. It was exhausting for me, as my daughter was preschool age at the time, I was working full time with some meetings at night and a 2 hours per day long commute, and I didn’t have time for conversations multiple times a week for over an hour. I had to tell her I don’t talk on the phone much to anybody, I don’t have time, and if that’s what you need, I’m not that person. She was upset at the time but it was exhausting for me and not do-able. She ended up finding other avenues for her time, by joining a church and some medically oriented groups on Facebook, and made friends there. She also started therapy and taking medication which helped her with her anxiety.

I think if you make yourself not so available, your friend will find other places for support. You can still be his friend and still take his calls, but just not so often.

When I had a friends like that, actually he was my hubby’s friend, I gave him his own special ringtone so I would have time to determine if I felt compelled to talk to him at the moment he chose. Your friend may be feeling lonesome or scared and your friendship gives him some comfort. It seems to me that you owe him some of your time in that he didn’t hesitate to share his time with you when you needed it. Is it really too much to expect you to be there for him as he was for you? You could always wait until a more convenient time to call him back and lie that you were terribly busy at the moment he called and then ask him what is going on. Maybe by then he will feel better and not need to talk so long

@SEKA. I am giving him lots of time and nowhere have I said I plan to abandon him. Have been using some of the other ideas you mentioned which are good.

Agree with @chyna’s suggestion and @SEKA’s technique. Every action reinforces a behavior.

Also, it seems like you are feeling torn about this since you want to be a good friend to him. But healthy boundaries are good for both parties.

The immediate gratification of instant access is compounding his codependency which isn’t good for him either.

Also, if you were in his shoes, would you prefer that you step back a bit or keep on going on this trajectory and start to resent him?

Draw your boundaries on what works for you and what doesn’t work.
@chyna made a very good recommendation on creating a natural distance or element that you are in control of.

Good luck.