How can I stop being awkward toward babies?

Don’t worry, Mimi, you’ll do all right. A lot of people don’t feel comfortable with babies, but babies are pretty forgiving and seem to sense benign intent.

Skip the baby talk. Make your voice calm and gentle, but just speak normally. Tell them what you see, what you’re doing, where they are, or whatever comes to mind.

Take your lead from the mother. For instance, if the child is still tiny, hold them the same way the mother does. If they’re older, you can carry them around and point to things and name them. Notice what catches their interest.

A lot of men are nervous with babies, afraid of dropping them or breaking them, afraid to do something wrong. Then when they become parents, it seems to come pretty naturally. Not all women are at ease either, but be patient with yourself.

Practice on a niece or nephew if you have one. Practice on a puppy. Practice on a teddy bear. Relax and don’t worry. Your natural instincts will guide you right if you let them.

One hint from my mother, who was very good at the baby thing: when someone hands you a baby, don’t take them head on. They may be frightened of a stranger suddenly right in their face and start to cry, and then you’re flustered, and it gets worse from there. Instead, take them from behind. Get the parent to pass them to you while facing the parent. Hug them gently and speak soothingly while they’re still facing the parent. That usually lets them get used to you gradually without being scared. Let your own inclinations take it from there.

If you wear glasses, you might want to take them off until the child gets used to you.

There’s no feeling like having a baby fall asleep on your shoulder. They trust you. They know they’re safe. It’s a gift you can keep forever.

Handle babies the way you would handle any defenseless small creature. With care and love. I’ve use to be fantastic around babies. I was a natural but now I’m so conscious of everything, especially with covid that I worry about handling them for fear of making them sick without knowing I may carry some illness and not be aware. Also, I’ve grown less patient probably because it doesn’t take long before my arms get tired. I use to be able to hold them and rock them in my arms for up to an hour. Now I’m lucky if I can endure 10 minutes. But most babies just need to be held firmly to feel secure and you can talk to them about anything. Just remember to smile a lot.

One secret to making babies like you is to look at them straight in their eyes and smile a genuine smile. It tends to open your pupils and babies notice that. When they like you their pupils will also widen. I worked in daycare and parents were always amazed at how quickly their babies would feel relaxed in my arms. I always hated baby talk as well. Just speak to them normally in a whispered tone. Babies don’t like loud voices. Make up a story when talking to them. Read baseball stats. It doesn’t matter. So long as you focus on them directly they will engage. Ask the baby a bunch of silly questions. It’s not like they are looking for a serious conversation and will judge you on it. They can’t really answer.
Actually we also never talked baby talk to the babies because they learn to speak properly by hearing proper words said correctly. They don’t need help screwing up words.

Oh, and to really answer your question. Practice, practice, practice is the only way to get better at something you suck at or feel uncomfortable doing. You will get babies that cry no matter what even if you do everything right. Just remember they are little crying machines and any little thing can set them off. Wet diaper, hungry, sleepy or doesn’t feel well, like gassy. So it may have nothing to do with you. You just picked them up at the wrong time.

Many people who don’t have babies, or siblings much younger than them, are nervous about being around babies.

Speaking with baby talk is a bad habit lots of people take up. That only causes confusion for babies with speech development. Speak to them. Look them in the face. Just because they don’t understand much, doesn’t mean you have to limit what you say.
If you ask them questions, they won’t answer when they are very young, but it makes them aware that you expect an answer. It motivates them to try speaking.
Babies recognize compliments. I don’t know how, but they do respond. Some smile, some scrunch up, like they are getting a hug. Some try to show off, in different ways, depending on age, and what they are able to do.
Repetition is fine. Repetition is how babies of most species on the planet learn, so they don’t get bored easily unless they are not getting any attention
Babies love to laugh. If you do something unexpected, but not loud or aggressive, they will either laugh, or study your face to see if you are expecting something. When my oldest son was only a few months old, he discovered he could make little bubbles with his mouth. He took up doing it a lot. One day, I was watching him, and I did it too. He got the giggles so hard I feared he might choke.
If you do some simple thing they can do, they love being interactive. I got involved in a blinking game once during a train ride. She was thrilled having something she could do the same as someone else.
There’s a million things you can do which will interest babies. Touch your finger to your nose, and make a beeping sound. Or, try some of these.

Some people are really magical with babies and toddlers. I never was, as far as I know.

With babies, you don’t necessarily have to hold them – the mom can keep holding them and she might be happy to not have you want to hold them. I will just look at the baby and smile and say hi to him or her and tell the mother how beautiful the baby is. Babies will respond by looking at you and maybe smiling.

Just be sure to support the neck or their heads can fall off. At least that’s what terrifies me. I share your anxieties about babies (especially infants). For me it’s worrying that I’ll do/say something that could ruin the child for life. They’re so fragile.

1. Sit down
2. Bend your right arm in a position so the neck will fit in the crook of your arm and the head will rest on the top of your elbow. The baby’s head won’t “fall off” LOL, but it does need to be supported or it will flop and the baby will be uncomfortable and cry.
3. Ask someone to hand you the baby. They will probably place in exactly where it needs to be in your arm.
4. Look at the baby and say “Hi!” and smile.
Just relax and talk gently and say whatever comes into your mind.
Baby talk is pointless, IMO.

Also, have someone take a picture and share it with us!

@Dutchess_III That’s actually really helpful advice! I have to disagree with your dismissal of the heads falling off thing though. I’ve been assured it can happen by “reliable sources”...

@gorillapaws That’s awful, no wonder people are scared of babies. Brain damage and/or suffocation are the actual concerns with no neck support. :)

Stop! I don’t think it’s helping @mimishu!

Thank you everyone. When I asked the question I was more concerned with how to psychologically prepared myself for babies. I appreciate the holding technique, but I need to be mentally stable first before I can move on to the more practical things.

I live in the culture where baby talk is the norm. And when they don’t do baby talk, they make strange jokes like how the baby would grow up. I can’t keep up with that. And I’m expected to be amazed and approach a baby immediately when I see one. It gets really overwhelming for me when I’m not ready. I’m so glad I’m not a monster.

No. You’re not a monster. I love babies, but I don’t like being pressured into holding one. I’ve had people assume I should jump at the chance.

As far as the psychological element. There’s an approach called “systematic desensitization.” The idea is you work through your fears in a safe environment and slowly build more confidence. You may start out just imagining walking down the hall past a room with a child in it. You might repeat that many times until you’re 100% comfortable. Then maybe you’d imagine opening the door and saying “hi” and then walking away. Again, you’d repeat this many times. Eventually you may be interacting with a doll. This ultimately culminates in you interacting with the kids directly. Each step of the process is repeated until you’re comfortable. and it can take many months to work up to it.

My understanding is that there’s solid research and evidence validating the efficacy of the technique. It might be worth looking for a psychotherapist who specializes in it if this anxiety is bothering you to that level.

@Dutchess_Iii Same! So weird sometimes.

Baby talk does not benefit he babies, so being the only one not doing it is not a bad thing. The only ones getting anything out of it is the grown ups wishing they were still babies, with people doing everything for them.

@Jeruba‘s suggestion of practicing with a pet, or stuffed toy is a good one. Also, practice with a mirror. Don’t be embarrassed. If something makes you laugh, it will probably do the same for babies.

I have actually commented sometimes to babies about what they might be when they grow up. Usually it is because I notice some trait about them that carries well through life. Also, it feeds mommy’s pride to hear it.
For instance oh, you look around at everything. You have curiosity about everything. I think someday you will be a scientist, or an inspector.
You are studying my face so thoroughly, I think you may be an artist one day.
Oh, look at those long, delicate fingers! So beautiful! That is perfect for playing piano!
Or to a noisy baby, how wonderful you are not shy about expressing yourself. You will be very good someday as a public speaker, like a professor.

Practice saying and doing a variety of things.
Most people who seem like naturals probably had lots of practice sometime. Don’t convince yourself that you are the only one who needs practice.
Perhaps your mother would be pleased to help you practice? Of course, I don’t know her, but she might be proud to be asked for help. Like, if you practice with a toy, then after gaining some confidence, have her hold the toy, so you can feel more confident about how adults will see you.

@Patty_Melt,
> Most people who seem like naturals probably had lots of practice sometime.

Good point. I was the eldest of 4 and was changing diapers by the time I was seven. I also did a lot of babysitting during my teen years. None of that actually prepared me for motherhood, in all its terrifying wonder, but I did know my way around a baby.

I’m also thinking that a good place for Mimi to start might be not with an infant but with a baby who’s sitting up in a high chair and being spoon-fed. You don’t have to hold them. Babies don’t seem to be too fussy about who administers the spoon. They just open their little mouths wide and take the food like a baby bird. And then, presto, you’re a familiar caregiver.

I didn’t do baby talk with our kids either. I made the same assumptions as other jellies, that it’s better to speak in a normal voice. But that’s actually incorrect.

There’s a term for baby talk. Infant-directed speech (IDS). And there happens to be a lot of research that infants prefer this and that IDS helps with language development.

Go figure.

I mean, it’s totally fine if you don’t want to do baby talk.

I’m just pointing this out since this seems to be a common misconception. :)

@raum, a quick look at a few of those articles on IDS suggests that it’s about sound: voice, pitch, articulation, etc. I was thinking more of vocabulary, which is what babytalk means to me.

For example, I wouldn’t tell my little one that he had a (gag) booboo or an owie. He had a cut, a bruise, a little bump, whatever. Real words. He drank from a bottle, not a bawbaw, and he took a bath in water, not wawa. When he came up with his own temporary words for things, that was just fine, but he didn’t learn them from me.

@Jeruba I think of baby talk as that weird high pitch voice that people do with babies. I always thought it was super bizarre.

Booboo and owie is more for toddlers, I think?

I knew a woman who still talked baby talk to her 5 year old.

How do you talk to cats or dogs? It’s real similar with babies.

Hi @Kraigmo!