Discovered a half sibling on 23andMe, should I tell them who the dad is?

It seems evident that you don’t know for sure if she is from your dad’s side of the family or from your uncle, and you may not have a half brother but more a half cousin.

I bring this up because it is dangerous to suppose the young lady may take steps on incomplete information and affect a lot of people’s lives. She needs to discuss it more in her own fmily before involving your family.

And may I suggest a longer convrsation with your father and perhaps with your uncle.

@zenvelo, oh she is our niece. No other uncles were here in 1972. Only my dad. It’s not coincidence her grandma and my dad went to the same college. They weren’t in a relationship, but my dad claims she told him he wasn’t the father. I wonder if it has to do with race since in 1972 interracial relationships were still frowned upon. So she told everyone the father was this white man she married.

Might I add, the whole concern is my mother. She is a pretty emotional person and can be irrational. I can see it breaking her heart even if it was before they met. She also holds grudges even from many years ago so we fear what this would do. I believe things have a way of coming out but I don’t want to be the one to tell this niece and have my family angry at me and blame me for whatever happens.

I think you can acknowledge that she has reached out to you, but also explain that because of age and ill health that your parents do not want any interaction with her. It realy is up to the girl’s grandmother to resolve.

Thanks for your input @zenvelo. I would say the father and his wife rather than outright say my dad. As I mentioned, she may find out from her grandmother but the grandma may be in denial. She may probe around other relatives but I guess if it happens… it happens and that’s what was agreed on even though I disagree. I think she knows who it is but just needs confirmation…

The young lady can do a DNA test on her own and find the same results. I say you have no control over who she gets in touch with. She can also find people without a DNA test, just contacting them by looking them up on the internet. She may upset people, but you’re not responsible for it if she does it on her own. I say stand back and let the chips fall where they may.

@jca2, what do you mean her own dna test? It matched at 13% to me. She knows her father but the question is who is her dad’s dad? The man the grandma claims to be the father has passed. She knows he isn’t her real grandpa.

I see what everyone means by it’s really not our responsibility. I feel bad though because she is my niece. I am curious to get to know them but not if it means messing up ny family.

Oh, I see, she already did the DNA test. OK, so you’re not responsible for who she gets in touch with. If she looks these people up (your dad for example) and gets in touch with them, you’re not in charge of it. She’s an adult, and she’s acting of her own free will. You can’t hide people from her because she can very easily look them up on the internet (using search engines which find out names, addresses, etc.).

@jca2 thank you, it helps me feel better leaving it though I feel sad dping so.

I can’t see how this is a bad thing. I know I would be excited to meet a new family member. It’s a shame your mom isn’t able to take this kind of news well. Your father did nothing wrong. Maybe there’s a way to help her see that? Or am I missing something?

@gorillapaws: Maybe the dad said he wasn’t in a serious relationship before meeting the mom, and so if he had a child with another woman, that indicates that there was something serious going on.

@jca from the sound of it, the niece told me it sounded like a fling. Not sure how she came up with that if she didn’t ask but maybe it was timing of meeting her husband after my dad. My dad barely even remembered her. So I think it was a college fling.

My mom is an emotional irrational person. She won’t care if it’s from before. But she is the type of person who holds grudges from many years ago. It’s definitely a difficult situation. I feel a bit sad knowing I have a half brother out there.

@chelle21689: I think your mom will be upset to find this out whether she’s rational or irrational, if it was a secret.

Let me make sure I have this straight, the grandma is the woman who slept with your dad, is that right?

I think you can tell her you are very happy to know about her, but at this time your mom isn’t in very good health, and for now you don’t want to do anything that might upset her, and this would be difficult for her to hear. That if anything changes you will get in contact.

Do you feel comfortable sharing pictures with her of yourself and people in your family? Even if not all of your names? Maybe she is curious about her features, who she sees back in the mirror. Does she live near you?

So, the grandma is still alive and her dad, the biological son, don’t know anything about it? I wonder if they want to meat your dad, or if the biological son even has a clue or just believes the lie?

I think my dad would be really angry initially to find out he never knew about a child of his.

I don’t feel comfortable sharing photos without my dad’s permission but I am sure she can find it all over the internet. Our last names aren’t common at all. The grandma is alive, her grandma and her dad have no idea what’s she’s doing. The niece doesn’t know how to approach it or if she should tell them since the grandma was so adamant her father was another man so she may deny it even. As mentioned, ournsurnames are uncommon so she can easily see all my family on Facebook in search results or google. My dad owns a business too so it pops up in the search, pretty local and known.

She suspects it is my dad though based off her questions.

@jca2 yeah, but is it really my place to tell my mom if my dad and the rest of my siblings feel it’s best? I am not ready to take that blame esp if the outcome is negative.

Yes, they live in same city as us.

The best way to appease the girl without pissing anyone off is to give her some photocopied pics, a small family tree and just stay chill with her. Maybe friend her on socials and feel it out. I think the 3 of you who accept her should give it a try. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t but you don’t need permission to know another sibling.

You have to understand people just want to know their origins more than to cause any harm. Trust me, I lived this.

@chelle21689 Must be an awkward spot for you. A lot might change in the next few weeks as your dad sits with this knowledge. He might change his mind. Your dad might be ashamed or worried she is angry with him or who knows. It might not just be about your mom.

I think you have to give it a little time.

Also, she might wind up mentioning it to her dad, and I would think he would be curious, but you just never know. I have a friend who was adopted who has zero interest in knowing her biological parents. Most adopted children I know want to know about them and meet them.

I agree with @KNOWITALL that often times people are just curious where and who they come from. If she didn’t know she was East Asian, she might have a lot of curiosity about that, and not just about your dad and the family. We can only guess.

@jleslie, my older sis who wanted to support my dad’s decision said the same. At dinner, she said she wonders if dad will change his mind and want to meet them. It was a huge shock to him. He was like ‘my god, 50 years ago!’ I am sure he is thinking of it since….I would be!!

She told me all she wanted was to know who it was and her heritage which I did give some info on. She said not meeting was ok. That is where the differences lie in my family some of us feel we should tell her and the others say not to feed info. Funny enough its the two oldest siblings. I am not religious but I hope and pray the right thing will happen and peace can be maintained.

@knowitall, I thought that too. I have a right to get to know my other relatives out there too.

I know for me, I would feel uneasy knowing something like that and not telling my spouse. I think your dad is probably thinking everything through. It might be very sad for him. I’m sure he was in a state of shock.

She probably wants to be considerate and not pushy, and say she understands that some people don’t want to know or meet, but it seems like the reality is she really does prefer to know everyone.

Your dad must have done the 23andme right? He must have allowed for familial connections if his name came up as a possibility? Or, was it someone else in your family? I would think that means whoever in your family did it was also notified of the match.

@chelle21689 Just listen to your heart. None of this is any fault of the children, you included. Best of luck.

@jleslie, no he didn’t. Just me and my sis. My sister didn’t have DNA relative finders on but I did… not knowing there was setting to turn it off. I think I need more time to think this through and maybe bring up this topic again in person when the timing is right. I feel like she should know and it should come from us or the grandma…not by digging through my relatives. I feel like if they don’t want to have anything to do wirh her, I have a right myself to talk to my own niece. It doesn’t sit right with me knowing they exist and I am ignoring it. I need more time to think this through, maybe not right now but eventually I can meet with her.

All these DNA testing results have brought many of these types of things to light. It sounds like knowing these things is quite important to you. That doesn’t mean everyone else wants to know (or will believe) this new information. Think very carefully how far you want to trust and delivery this information as it can be life changing.

@chelle21689 That makes sense. I wasn’t thinking it all through well. You had the 23andMe setting to allow for connections. Do you think you would not have allowed it if you knew you could turn it off and on?

I agree you have a right to get to know her. Like I said, you’re in a tough spot. Tough in more ways than one.

I hope you update us if anything changes.

@forever_free , that is a good point regarding thinking about how this can change my life depending how we proceed. I think it already has thiugh, emotionally.

@Jleslie, I think so. I read these types of stories before and it can happen to anyone lol so I always was hesitant about logging on 23andMe to find out about new relatives. It reallt blindsided me because she showed as my cousin. Had I turned it off, I wouldn’t find myself in this mess.

I think we all said we can here and I got great advice. Thanks, everyone so much. I needed it…and not to sound like the evil family as other groups are making it seem.

Should I have any updates, I will come back here

Please return and provide an update on how this goes. Thank you for sharing.

Hi, so she finally talked with her grandma today and she confessed who her grandfather was and even remembered his name. She will be telling her father soon….she even saw mt dad somehow, internet I assume, say he looks just like him. They even are both very poltically opinionated (opposting views lol) and very business minded and entrepreneurial.

I am not surprised though, I knew it would eventually happen. My siblings and I are discussing if we should meet with her to answer questions but also see what they’d like. Our concern is our mother and how she will take it…that is what we fear…as I mentioned she is a very emotional person and worries so much to the point where she makes herself literally sick . We will proceed carefully.. but I do feel better now that she has closure. It bothered me inside. I fear it would be my fault for all this but evem without ME, she would’ve got the name from her grandma anyhow.

So who knows what happens here. She will tell her dad soon. My dad asked to see a photo of his long lost son again. I wonder what is going through his mind.

Thank you for the follow-up. I am glad than it opened things up in a gentle way.

@chelle21689 I hope you give her a chance. Just keep reminding each other none of this is through any fault of her or yours (and your siblings.)

Some of my friends have made really beautiful connections that enriched their lives. :)

@chelle21689 Wow.

My hope is your mom surprises all of you and takes the whole thing well. Maybe she will be the one to make it all ok. I think eventually she will have to be told, because to keep the secret from her will feel too dishonest. I guess to protect her I could understand it, but I think it will be very hard to do. It sounds to me like you all do plan to tell her.

Do you have any brothers, besides this half brother that you have now discovered? Is that your dad’s only son?

@jleslie, I ageee. And my dad asked to see a photo of the half bro again so I know it is heavy on his mind. I feel it is not our mom place to tell but my dad. I am sure one of my older sisters would be there to help tell as it would be hard.. My brother is the 5th child. All girls lol he tried many times for a son. Funny because I have a feeling he feels a little bit different being the only son of my dad to not.

@knowitall I know some of us are curious but one of my siblings definitley isn’t taking it as well and seems defensive. Genes are funny, it is interesting seeing a lot of traits in this man, not just physically, but behavior wise from what I see reminds me of my dad. Very politically opinionated and business hustle.

The half brother still doesn’t know what’s about to unfold. We will see if he even wants to meet. His mom told him a lie his whole life…the grand daughter will not tell me what she said or her reasons but I can’t help but think maybe it could be racial or else why lie what their ethnic background could be. Why did she not tell my dad it was his (according to my dad’s side). It sounds like they are very conservative lol we are very liberal.

I wouldn’t assume anything about their reasons. It might have been the grandmother’s parents who were ultra conservative or racist. Once the lie was told it was difficult to undo probably.

Not that I excuse it, but it’s difficult for people to go against their family, especially if she might have needed help with the baby. Maybe she will open up and tell her story now that everything is coming out.

@jleslie Ysah, again thanks everyone for being such a great support without making me feel even more horrible. I felt so guilty I called my work’s EAP line for confidential counseling and they pretty much had similar advice as you all and it helped so much.

@chelle21689 In my case, my sisters came to see me after I reached out. I knew it was them as soon as they walked in the door. One sister giggled when I pulled out my lotion, she had the exact same brand and scent. My brother and I are both afraid of heights, ironically as our dad was a pilot.
To me, as an only child, meeting them was weird but fun both. Lots of staring at each other haha!

@knowitall oh wow so you have been on the other side of this. I know this chapter isn’t closed yet. It has only started. I know I want to meet them one day for sure. It doesn’t mean we have to be a part of their lives all like that but I think even just meeting, being cordial, or/and adding eachother on social media would be enough for me. I am eager to share our culture with her as she seems to want to get in touch with her newly discovered ethnic background.

I don’t know how accurate these things are. My niece and daughter did the DNA test. My daughter took it first. After my niece took it told her that she was her cousins half-sibling and told her another cousin (not related on my side) was her sister. Her half-sister took the test and it told her there was a good chance they were cousins.
When my daughter did the test it also found a second cousin who was traced on my mother’s side. First cousin to me by way of her mother’s side. She was adopted and her mother worked for the family in Florida. During the time she was born, we had no female relatives living in Florida from either my fathers or mothers side of the family.

@Pandora That’s interesting. Is your family on both sides from the same countries, or even maybe the same cities going back a few generations? Just thinking it through logically (I’m not a genetics expert of any sort) if there is a lot of close relations not too many generations back it probably could affect the genetic matches, meaning cousins could be similar to half siblings in regarding the amount of genetic sequencing they have in common.

@JLeslie On my parent’s side there may be some cousins that may have married so I think that may be something to do with it, but it doesn’t make sense on my niece’s side to be so closely related to my daughter and have less relation with her half-sister being they came out of the same mother. I forgot it also told her that her cousin on her mother’s side was also potentially a half-sister. Now on my daughter’s results, it showed my niece as her cousin. I also wonder how much is human error in entering results and linking them to the right names. I feel on my niece’s test they switched some of the names with the wrong DNA. That’s why I don’t trust these things. No doubt it’s people getting paid minimum wage who don’t really care about accuracy.
Oh, btw, my mom took the test twice. The first time they sent a new test because they said something went wrong with the first test, so my siblings made sure she followed instructions to the tee. Then they said her test was negative. So we laughed because it could only mean she has no dna. LOL

@Pandora Thinking about it more, a niece and a half sibling both share close to 25% of their DNA so it’s not really odd to get that result. First cousins usually share 12%, but can be higher if people closely related genetically were making babies.

Some groups were very tight knit, like the Icelandic people, Ashkenazi Jews (which is a little unnerving that DNA can categorize someone as Jewish) and families in general that lived in small communities for hundreds of years.