How can I be compassionate while going through a crisis?

Oh April. I am so sorry.
The only advice I can give is just keep on keeping on. This too shall pass.
(((Hugs)))

@Dutchess_III Thanks sister. Some days I cry, some days I’m mad, most days I just want to run away and pretend it’s not happening. So the constant questions feel rude or like intrusions.
My friends know me well enough to keep it to once a week or so, but her people are smothering me.

Both my parents, my stepfather, and my sister all died. People usually don’t know what to say to a person who has a family member dying because death makes everybody feel uncomfortable. I usually said something to the effect of, “Thank you so much, it makes me feel better that people are thinking about us”.

Would a Caring Bridge account help? You can share information and updates with family friends without face-to-face interaction with each one.

Sending hugs.

@Caravanfan I’ve been doing that for a month now. I know what to say but I’m mentally exhausted placating others about MY mom. I feel like they want the last ounce of energy I have.

@raum It may work for some of them, I’ll think about it. Many are seniors and hippies, so they aren’t online.

@KNOWITALL I am so sorry to hear this, this is such a painful time for you.
Do you have a close friend, or is your husband able to intervene for you at this time? A designated person to say all the things to interested others to spare you would be ideal.

I wish for your mother peace, now, and for you the consolation of knowing that you were able to be a comfort and support to her at this time.

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. I’m a private person also, and that would definitely make what I was already going through much worse. Could you, or someone for you, create a group text. You could set up a time every day to send them a message, even if it’s basically the same message. Hopefully they would come to expect a message at a certain time and would wait for it. @canidmajor‘s suggestion about having a helper during this time is a great idea.

I wish I had something better to say. I really do feel for you.

@canidmajor No not really. Only child of hers so everything is on me. My friends would but many want to hear from me personally. Thanks, definately hard.

@smudges The group text could work, actually. Most do text.
Yes, thanks, it makes me feel like a bad person but all I care about right now is my mom and keeping myself healthy to finish this for her.

Maybe there’s one particular friend of yours that you could explain things to who would be willing to do the group text thing for you. You could talk to her daily briefly, and tell her how things are going so she can pass it on through text. She’d hear from you personally, and be helping. It must be a little frustrating when there’s no news to give, but at least everyone would be contacted. A thought: I don’t know if you could do this or not, but maybe just bite the bullet and stand up for yourself a little. Pass on the message that you appreciate everyone’s concern, but that you’re trying to stay healthy and care for your mom. <<hugs>>

btw, please don’t feel that you have to respond to me. You have enough on your plate.

I’ve heard about the Caring Bridge site too. A friend used it years ago to update people about her daughter’s health. As suggested, a group text could work although then you have to read everyone’s response.

How about changing your VM message to just say, “Thank you for checking in and for caring. If something changes, we’ll let you know.” And then don’t pick up the calls.

Or – designate a mutual friend to be point person for giving out info and send out their phone number in a group text. With their agreement of course.

I feel for you – and having to manage all those calls just makes it worse!
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This is a very sad time for you. I’m sorry it’s happening. You have my sympathy.

I also like the idea of a daily group text. If a good friend will handle it for you, great!

If this were me, I would turn off my ringer and ignore the phone the whole day. I wouldn’t even read the incoming texts from my mother’s friends. I would only read the texts from my own friends. It sounds cruel, but it’s important for me to protect my serenity in stressful times.

When my dad’s wife was in the same crisis, last year, group texts prevailed. That way you can give updates at your convenience.

@Hawaii_Jake Exactly. Interestingly her friends at NAMI have been the least intrusive and most helpful.
Maybe I will just set aside time each night for the group text and ignore the rest except family.

If I could tell them I’m getting 50 questions a day-exactly the same, they could understand my anxiety but theres no good way to say that. :(

@KNOWITALL You can say exactly that to them, just tactfully. Group text, “I appreciate all your concern but I have to focus my energy on caring for my Mom right now. I will send (or a designee) will send out messages as things change. I know you have us in you hearts as we go throug this hard time.”

@janbb I will do that. It’s hard saying ‘mom continues to decline daily’ that many times.

Thanks all, you may just save my sanity. :)

Just created the group text and used @janbb‘s sentences. Hopefully that do it. Thanks for the great ideas everyone.

You’ve gotten great advice above already.
So I just want to chime in to say that I feel sad for you in these trying days of your life.
Hope your mom goes in peace, and that you can soon comfort yourself thinking back of warm and lovely memories.
Hug.

@rebbel Thank you. Just make sure to encourage all the women in your life to get a mammogram. After 12 years of breast cancer, Covid a second time took her down. :(

Oh so sorry to hear about your Mom. Tough, very tough time. It’s understandable that you are getting exhausted if not already exhausted at this point. All I can think of right now is…that your Mom knows and appreciates your efforts in communicating her condition to her friends and relatives.

@mazinger Yes, she is very kind-much more so than I. I’m doing my best to honor her wishes….which includes being kind to her wacky friends. Haha.

I will, @KNOWITALL.
Thank you.

Her friends are used to the outgoing person it sounds like your mom is/was. They are likely much the same. They get through strife, they face adversity, they recharge their batteries by interacting with others. You do it differently. You have to digest things privately. You look inside and away from others to help find your equilibrium. But now you are in the situation where East meets West, so to speak.

I’m not sure being “Compassionate” is the right word. You are compassionate. What you really need is to show your grace. It might be time to let one or two of them know that you are suffering as well. Thank them for their concerns and their caring/prayers/whatever. But let them know that you are struggling today and having to talk to everyone about it is hurting. If you tell one or two something like that, they may back off on the endless questions/calls/etc. They might actually consider that you are NOT your mom…that you are hurting and need to deal with your own feelings.

I am also introverted and I can understand what you must be going through. I like the Caring Bridge idea. You could tell people that since there are so many people who are concerned about your mother, the best way to handle them all is to post to a Web site.

@seawulf575 Yes, thats right actually, all of it. I want to run to a dark corner and lick my wounds, so calls and texts from strangers feel intrusive.
Plus not eating or sleeping well is taking a toll. Maybe I should ask my doctor to get back on xanax but I hate pills.

Maybe say, “thank you, I feel overwhelmed, I’ll reach out if I need to talk.”

Depends who is texting or calling obviously, but that might work for the people you know well who want to be there for you if you need anything.

The issue is not people being concerned about @KNOWITALL.

The issue is she is overwhelmed by constant questions. I was just suggesting a nice way to get them to quiet down.

Maybe “if I need to talk” isn’t correct, maybe more like, “I’ll let people know if there are any new developments,” or, “if there are any significant changes.”

@JLeslie And phone calls (the worst.)

Some people worry if they don’t ask how someone is, then they will be judged. I have family members and friends who say, “she didn’t even call today to check on us.” That type of person who gets insulted by friends and family not showing enough concern, are the same people who worry about being judged if they don’t show the concern and ask the questions that they expect from others.

Maybe enlist one of the church members who you like to be the person to update the congregation. Maybe you can let her run interference? Questions go to her.

We already covered that @JLeslie.

@JLeslie Yes, many feel its obligatory as a good friend, I see that.
The first few weeks it was easier but 5–6 weeks in I’m ready for it to start to taper off. I think the group text each evening will help.
Like @seawulf said, mom loved all the constant attention, I am very much the opposite. Haha.

Every evening seems like an excessive expectation. That’s my opinion anyway. If someone else is in charge of it, they can even send out no new news, if they want to do it daily, but that won’t mean you have to update them daily.

Just recently we lost a friend, she declined very quickly. We didn’t expect her husband to tell us daily the specifics. The people closest to HIM made it very clear they were there to help with anything he needed. I don’t think anyone on the periphery expected daily updates. We were friends with her more than her husband. We knew him, but not much more than that.

We got daily updates via group text on my dad’s wife. It’s private and non-intrusive. And convenient.

How about posting on your Facebook page, and tagging your mom (if she uses FB) and other relevant family members, like siblings (if they agree). You could post a brief update daily or every few days “Mom was eating more yesterday. She enjoyed looking at some cards and magazines that she got in the mail” or something similar.

One of the problems with FB and the Caring Bridge is that many people are “seniors and hippies, so they aren’t online”.

I’m a hippie.

I agree completly with @seawulf575. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Very wise.

@Caravanfan Thank you. We don’t see eye to eye often, but it is nice when we can find common ground.

me too, @Dutchess_III

Consider all others, not just yourself. (If you are.)

@kritiper I’m trying but its MY mom and best friend, so I owe myself time to grieve and process, too.

@KNOWITALL Yes, you need to take of your Mom and to do that, you need to take care of yourself! Don’t worry about what @kritiper said, you are doing a great job. The limits we suggested about communicating with others make sense.

edit “take care of your Mom”

BS consider all others. “Others” should be considering the immediate family and closest of friends. These “other” people do not have near the grief of the immediate family. The OP has been living with her mom. She is literally part of her every day. Always losing a parent is hard, but additionally in this case, this alters the OP’s daily life in a profound way.

Sure, its best to be kind and thank people and give them some updates, I’m sure these other people truly do care and have some pain themselves over her mom being so ill, but they should be asking what they can do for the OP, and give the OP the opportunity to say what she needs. What she needs is a point person to field all the calls, questions, and sending messages of prayers.

I think it’s ok not to respond to all the calls and messages. It sounds overwhelming. Change your voicemail if they are calling, I think someone might have said that above when I read through a couple of days ago.

So far the group text is working. I think they forget as an only child I am handling medical, business, closing her apartment, daily visits, doing her laundry, working FT, paying for everything, making funeral and, ordering rememberences, updating family, making videos to keep, etc… Just eating and sleeping was a real struggle for the forat few weeks.

I always try to consider others, I promise, but it has been difficult to say the least.

I’m so sorry.

For what it’s worth, you are already considering others with the group text. You have recognized their need for information. Now own your need for space during a horrific time!

Bear hugs.

@longgone Exactly. She went from wholly independent in Feb to hospice by March. It’s been crazy. Thank you.

So much good advice above and I can’t add to it. Just don’t let yourself get rundown.

Hang in there @KNOWITALL. We love you.

@Dutchess_III I love ya’ll, too. This made me feel more sane.

Mom passed Monday night in her sleep. Thanks for all the advice and caring in this thread. Ya’ll would have loved my beautiful, wild, hippie mama. :(

Prayers that you and your family get through this very hard time.

@KNOWITALL Sending hugs and comforting thoughts your way!

Thanks. After I get thru this I’m going to sleep for a week.

Bless your heart @KNOWITALL. I am so so sorry, Luv.

I’m so sorry. I hope you have good support around you.

@Hawaii_Jake I do. You’d be proud of me I think. I put her diagnosis story in her obit and to donate to NAMI.
Got to break the stigma. :)

I love that. I hope she’d be proud of you too.

Thinking of you. And sending lots of hugs.

My condolences, @KNOWITALL. It’s been heartwarming when you talked about her here. So much love, forgiveness, and compassion. And sacrifices. You took great care of her. I hope you can feel some peace today, even during these difficult times. Hugs.

Condolences to you and your family.

Thanks all. I worry more about when my To-Do list runs out. But one day at a time and lots of gratitude. How great to pass in your sleep, very thankful.

@KNOWITALL: My condolences on the loss of your mother. Sending you sympathy and a virtual hug. I lost my mom over 5 years ago and I still think about her every day.

I’m so sorry. I know you miss her. Peace and love to you and yours. ☮ ♥