Do you have empathy for strangers?

I used to care about strangers in grade school. Now mostly I want to be left alone when walking about town. I will still say please and thank you to cashiers and those who serve me food. If I crave conversation I will call my mom or Fluther.

What kind of retail are you working at? I really don’t see myself pouring my heart out to a cashier in my local convenient store while I’m checking out. I don’t even think most people would. I need some more details.

Yeah. They are a shitty person. 15 year old pup shouldn’t have to suffer. That’s horrible.

I could never let a puppy I love suffer like that. Organ failure, cancer, heart problems. And being old. Are you fucking kidding me.

@SergeantQueen the reason I asked is because I find it really odd that a stranger would talk to you about something so personal in a gas station. My initial assumption is that you work in a place that somehow caters for people’s need more that the surface thing, like a pet shop. Yeah, I know this is just an example, but the situation is just so odd.

How about giving me another example that is in no way related to this, no dog or anything, where you are pissed off by strangers sharing personal details?

Telling me about surgeries, about family problems, I drown a lot of it out so I don’t have specific examples.

I just can’t figure out a proper response ever. And apparently that makes me a shitty person

So since we have never met face-to-face, let’s say I bump into you and you don’t know who I am, and then I start to talk about how my grandma is awaiting her diagnosis and I’m worried about her. Would you feel the same way?

@Mimishu1995 I love your interviewing skills! :D

I’d be super confused, uncomfortable, and probably annoyed. I would never outwardly say I don’t care. But I wouldn’t appreciate the over sharing

It has, in the past, almost caused anxiety attacks because I feel like I should have a response and I don’t.

I’m obviously a psychopath

And before people judge, that lady bugged me the whole day. I was upset. That’s why I hate it
I have to not give a fuck otherwise it just bugs me.

@SergeantQueen I see. Thank you for the answer.

I’m not an expert in psychology, but from what I’ve seen you post here, it seems to me like you have been burned so much in the past and now you are uncomfortable around strangers, especially when the strangers are trying to get more personal around you. You are afraid they are going to get you just like the last time, because the people that hurt you used to say personal things to warm up around you, then manipulate you.

You are more empathetic around friends and family because you know they are sincere and they won’t hurt you. But around a stranger, you don’t know their intention, so you are naturally on guard. Your post “everyone is a liar” is really telling.

If I were in your situation, I would see myself lending an empathetic ear around her story and chime in when possible. I wouldn’t feel angry or annoyed well, maybe annoyed if she was slowing down my job, not because she was sharing in the first place. That is because I don’t feel like I have to be on guard.

I don’t understand how you are like that. I’ve never been that way though so I’m not quite sure my past has everything to do with it

That’s what I meant by everyone is a liar.

I assumed everybody faked their reactions. My coworkers probably wouldn’t really care either I assume. So I thought everyone just pretended to have empathy for everyone they meet.

Or like when a stranger says they are pregnant or something good. How are my coworkers happy? I wouldn’t be happy for the person. So how are they? Would think they are lying because that’s the expected response: happiness.

I just try to copy the expected responses.

But my sister saying she’s pregnant: I’m genuinely happy and excited.

@SergeantQueen I assumed everybody faked their reactions.

That’s your assumption. Just because someone is happy for someone else about something they themselves are not happy about doesn’t mean they are faking it. It’s just… empathy, the knowledge that there is other consciousness beyond you and your social bubble. I don’t see myself having a baby, but I can still be happy for my coworker who is having a baby because that’s what she wants in her life and I can understand that.

If you are angry with even your own family and friends, then it would be a different story. But you can be empathetic with people close to you, so I’m going for the past theory. If I learn anything from the psychology book I read, it’s that a lot of the odd behavior can be traced back to the past, even when you are not aware of it. You frequently told us about how you put trust in people and saw them betray you. I wouldn’t be surprised if those people once told you very personal things to get your trust.

Why do you think you are not happy about your coworker’s pregnancy but your sister’s? If you don’t think pregnancy should be celebrated, why should you be happy for your sister? Should you just fake happiness while feeling uncomfortable instead?

I think I’m happy because it’s my sister who I’m close with and not some random stranger trying to buy chips.

@SergeantQueen Why can’t you be happy for a stranger? Plenty of people can be happy for a stranger. If everyone lies, then can your sister lie?

Yes, she can.

Now I’m confused on what you are asking. Strangers I won’t ever see or interact with again. That’s why I don’t really care. They have no importance just like I have no importance to them… That’s why. They don’t care about me, vice versa.

You’re a stranger to me. I feel genuine empathy for the struggles you’ve faced, and I sincerely hope the very best for you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t bother posting. I think you’ve been through hell and are mistrustful of others as a consequence. Hopefully you can heal with time, make good and healthy new friendships and learn to open up more one day. It does take time though. Wishing you well.

You guys don’t feel like “strangers” as I’ve been her for 5 years and I ””“know””” you guys. Not personally but just through online.

@SergeantQueen how about people like your coworkers? You go to work and see them everyday. You have to interact with them. But you still seems to categorize them as “strangers”.

And you said that everyone is a liar. They pretend to be happy but they don’t care, so you do the same. So by that logic, if your sister can lie, then she can try to appear happy for you even when she isn’t. So why do you still feel genuine happiness for her?

Well you said: I assumed everybody faked their reactions. My coworkers probably wouldn’t really care either I assume. So I thought everyone just pretended to have empathy for everyone they meet.

Or do you mean something different?

And how about my question: And you said that everyone is a liar. They pretend to be happy but they don’t care, so you do the same. So by that logic, if your sister can lie, then she can try to appear happy for you even when she isn’t. So why do you still feel genuine happiness for her?

As in my coworkers probably don’t care about what customers say.

And I suppose she could. I’m not sure I understand where you are coming from here. I’ve faked reactions for family sometimes too
Just not as often

I can’t say why I have genuine emotions for family. I don’t know
My brain works that way. Always has.

My point is that you only have negative reaction when it comes to strangers. If people you know did the same thing you wouldn’t have the same negative reaction. Because if you were literally true to your words, then you would be hateful toward everyone, not just strangers.

And I suspect that it has something to do with you being hurt by people in your past. You did tell us that you put a lot of trust in people only to see them betray you. I wouldn’t be surprised that the people who hurt you also did the same oversharing thing to you, that is why you are now wary of people who overshare.

I guess

@SergeantQueen So go back to my example about me bumping into you and sharing personal things with you. Suppose mid conversation I suddenly tell you I’m @Mimishu1995 and I show proof for that. What would your reaction be?

That would never happen though because you would never introduce yourself by your username so now you are just confusing me.

I just got called a hypocrite but I’m explaining this the best I can.

I don’t do super well with hypotheticals Mimi.

But suppose I can? People do this all the time when they need to connect their online identity with their other identity.

How about this: I bump into you. You don’t recognize me. I start sharing personal information to you and you are feeling uncomfortable. Then suddenly, for some reason, you recognize me. How would you feel then?

I don’t know as I’ve never had that happen. Probably still uncomfortable depending on what it is. Maybe I wouldn’t have any empathy then, I suppose that is a possibility.

All I can say is I tend to have genuine reactions for close friends and family, and with most others I have to fake.

That’s the pattern I personally have noticed.

I do typically have sympathy and/or empathy for most strangers. And the animals in their charge.

However I also can feel negatively toward some of them. Many of those I still often feel sympathy towards, but often in different ways.

I have empathy to most strangers. I dont know them So I dont have reason to not like them. Exepct when that stranger makes bad first look

@SergeantQueen

You’re young, so you probably haven’t experienced some of the things that others have.

I’m 75 and I’ve experienced many things that others also have.
I realize that makes it easier for me and others who have experienced a lot, to have empathy for strangers.

It’s also easier to do, when one is in a place and situation where they can focus on the stories of others, without any distractions or external pressures.

So I can sit here or even be running errands, and have the time and interest to hear their tales.

However, I know I’d be less inclined to listen if I was busy at work and felt that the more I listened to things not related to work, the longer it would take to get the work done and might even result in having to spend more time at a gas station than I had to.

E.g., when I call an eatery to order food, I assume the order taker is busy and might have other phone orders and in-person customers to deal with.
So I’m perfectly happy to cut to my order and dispense with the extraneous small talk about how I’m doing, much less moan to them about my arthritic knee or my email server. ;p

I don’t see you as unfeeling or sociopathic, but as a young woman trying to deal with the tumult in her own life, and not a clearing house for the problems of random Wisconsinites.

@SergeantQueen Some people are standoffish toward strangers. It’s perfectly normal. I’m just raising a question of whether this is just normal behavior of someone who doesn’t like being around stranger or there is a deeper issue going on. I don’t think anyone here other than you could answer this question. You are the only one who can find out by yourself, alone or with help.

@Brian1946 yeah, her being young is a good point. Maybe she just hasn’t experienced the things those people are concerned about so she just doesn’t have the reference to be empathic to?

I have a lot of problems

@Mimishu1995

“yeah, her being young is a good point. Maybe she just hasn’t experienced the things those people are concerned about so she just doesn’t have the reference to be empathic to?”

Exactly.

I have great empathy for our agreement. :p

Who here wants to read about my problems with my electronic bill-paying service?! ;)

I’m trying to get a therapist I’ve had people and doctors imply I have all sorts of issues but I need an actual diagnosis

@SergeantQueen that’s good to hear. A good therapist can help you see where the problem is and deal with people more effectively.

@Brian1946 I do! That’s a big problem in the world and I can perfectly empathize with you :D

Now I feel like I’m being mocked.

Why?

I do! That’s a big problem in the world and I can perfectly empathize with you :D

We’re not mocking you, we’re mocking people who whine to strangers about their esoteric issues.

Okay. I’ll trust you.

I think most of us are strangers – because few people really know their true selves.

So I can sympatize with almost anyone, and maybe empathize if I understand. Even compassion is an option – when I’m smart enough not to make things worse.

Mostly I’m just a bitch, though. But at least I do it with style.

Oh, and not working in retail helps too.

I think.

Do you feel empathy when you see strangers having a hard time? Like if someone came in crying, would you feel concerned?

The dog thing is obviously and understandably triggering intense emotions for you. It will likely be that way for a long time. I wonder if you could feel empathy for someone having just made the choice to release their dog from pain.

Feeling empathy towards all trangers telling you personal stories while you’re “captive”(at work) is certainly asking for a lot. Some of the stories might have a big performative element, and it’s natural that you can’t feel for everyone, always.

If you’re different with friends and family, I wouldn’t worry. You’re going through a lot. With time, you may become more patient. As long as you’re being decent and maybe helping the occasional person, I wouldn’t make this my top priority.

Generally not. It’s not the person or the identity, it’s the situation that (sometimes) calls for empathy. I don’t care who you are or what gender or color or whatever – it’s the issue/problem/situation that will get my attention.

I don’t buy simplistic constructs like “all old people deserve my empathy” or “all black are discriminated against” because both of those are patently not true.

I do buy into the concept that “this person in this situation is in need of help” – and act accordingly.

Empathy isn’t a fully formed skill that either you have or do not. Most of us have the basics, but it grows and evolves over time as you gain life experience. For better or worse.

My daughter is nineteen and has lots of empathy for people – from a distance. Up close and personal though…she becomes uncomfortable, can never find the words to say, and can get anxious and irritable about it. If you don’t know her, you’d think she was cold and didn’t care. She’s working on it, but it’s a maturity thing.

There are different types of empathy.

- cognitive
– emotional
– compassionate

Though it’s quite common to have struggles with empathy while dealing with stress and depression.

Think of a computer running on Safe Mode. It’s just running the essential programs.

(Stranger and their dog, not essential. Sister, essential.)

Keep looking for a therapist. It may take time. But you can benefit a great deal if you find the right one.

I am always empathetic to strangers. First it is my job and second it is how I am. I actually practice it in my mindfulness work.

I would actually look at it from a different perspective. Strangers feel comfortable opening up to you for some reason. Just accept it as a gift and try to be kind, you don’t have to care deeply.

Although it varies from person to person. Some people like to talk with a stranger some don’t like it. I personally have empathy for strangers, especially when he need help

Yes, I have empathy for strangers. Having empathy is part of what makes us human. All of the jobs I have ever worked involved dealing with, and talking to strangers. The ability, and willingness to empathize with all sorts of people, family members, and total strangers, is what makes us decent, what makes us kind, what makes us human, and not just a random animal, or a machine. We all need more humanity.