How can I cut my ex-friend out of my life for good?

You’ve matured since middle school, right? She’s probably matured also.

@cheebdragon Yes. I’m no longer the same person I used to be in middle school. That’s what made her insistent stalking all more shocking. She just refuses to get all the subtle clues from me that I’m no longer interested in her and she should move on. And that has been going on for 3 years now.

It’s as if she just refuses to grow up and move on from me.

You are talking several years have gone by obviously. She may have matured as @cheebdragon says. It might be that she has no friends now because she was so manipulative. She may regret her earlier behaviors and might be trying to reconnect to start anew. I’d be curious why she is suddenly so into reconnecting.

It’s really your call but regardless of whether you want to cut her out of her life or want to give her a chance, you will have to discuss things with her. Don’t drop hints, don’t expect her to get a clue. You could invite her to meet for lunch or tea or something and have a heart to heart. Tell her you are curious about her current interest. Tell her of your views of her behavior when she was your “friend” and how it made you feel. Tell her you aren’t interested in that kind of relationship again. Then the ball is in her court. You can make further decisions based on her answers.

@seawulf575 I guess my biggest huddle is that I’m afraid this is just another ploy to get me hooked back to her again. I have experienced people being nasty to me then being nice to me to “make things up” then getting back to their nasty self again, both from her and other people I know. I’m really in favor of giving people a second chance, and I’m thinking the same as you that maybe she has matured and wants to start over, but given what I knew about her, I’m just afraid my kindness could come back to bite me.

Another thing I’m worried about is that she would deny everything she has done to me or make it look like I was the one at fault or she had a reason to do so. This is also another of my unpleasant experience with her and other people. This is why I’m not direct to her what I’m feeling.

@Mimishu1995 I understand. But you are older and wiser now and know a lot of the signs to watch for. Not to mention if you are upfront about your feelings about your earlier relationship with her it will make a later cutting of ties easier. And if she tries denying everything and blaming you, the answer is very simple: It is how you see it. Your feelings matter. Perception is reality and she needs to stop and re-evaluate. And if she still denies everything then the conversation is over. You go your way and she goes hers.

Just block her on everything and say you’re busy if she comes to your house. Being busy can mean taking time for yourself, to unwind and relax. No matter what your parents say, you don’t owe her your friendship. There are plenty of poor and stressed out people, be friends with one of the others (someone you like). Hanging out with this person out of pity doesn’t really help her, anyway. She needs to find her own people, those who love her for who she is and don’t resent her. Be strong. Answer direct questions from your parents without engaging in any discussion – stick with the fact that you are the steward of your time and affection.

I think you are correct to be cautious about her.

I might agree that she had matured and was maybe worth a shot if she had prefaced any new contact with you with an apology or at least an acknowledgement that she was a terrible friend before.

Instead, she tracks down your phone number and starts calling/messaging you and then just appears at your house?! Sounds a little stalker-ish to me.

How was she when you went out (after she ambushed you at home)?

I’d suggest a frank and honest conversation with her where you explain that you were not contacting her because of how she treated you previously. Give examples. Tell her you are reluctant to be friendly with her now for those same reasons. You do not want to go backward. I’d also mention that you don’t appreciate her messaging you and showing up at your house uninvited.

See how she reacts. If she owns all of that and is sincerely remorseful then maybe (MAYBE) you give her a second chance.

If however, there’s a hint of insincerity or she outright combats what you say and tries to blame you for anything, tell her in no uncertain terms that you are done with her and that she kindly not contact you anymore.

If you do this in person, I might bring a friend along, just in case.

@longgone I can block her easily. I have been ignoring her for years now. I have been giving her zero attention. What I’m worried about now is that she will just conveniently not get the message and come to my house suddenly like she just did this morning.

I can be honest with my parents though. I have told them that she abused me and I don’t feel comfortable around her again. They encouraged me to give her a second chance, but they already know that I’m not uncomfortable.

@cookieman How was she when you went out (after she ambushed you at home)?

She was very friendly and talkative. Actually she did most of the talking, I was just too uncomfortable to talk. She came when I just woke up so I didn’t have breakfast, so she asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I said we should go to a coffee shop that could both provide us with a meal and coffee because she had eaten. So she took me to a particularly expensive coffee shop belonged to that particular brand. She paid for my meal and coffee, saying that I already paid too much for her before.

There were signs from her that made me suspicious of her sincerity:

- She seemed to retain some of the old behavior around me. The “ambush” was actually what she used to do to me back when we were still friends. She would come to my house unannounced and take me out, even when it was my bedtime. Back then her reasoning was that I should be grateful that she spent time to come visit me. She also talked to me as if I was still that naive hapless girl she used to know, saying things like “you aren’t old when you don’t have kids” or “your mom is afraid you would mess things up if you get married”.
– When she came, I lied to her that I had work from my boss to be done urgently and only had enough time to go out with her for an hour. When she took me to the coffee shop, she chose the longer route and ignored another coffee shop that was also of the brand. It was as if she was intentionally trying to extend the time so that I could be around her for longer.
– When we were about to leave the coffee shop, she said that she could stay to help me with my work. When I declined saying that I didn’t want to put the burden of my own job onto her, she said that she could stay and sleep on my bed and wait for me to finish. And she said those things again and again as we went. Later when we came back home she revealed that she was only joking and left. It was a joke all along, but it made me feel so uncomfortable because in some way it implied that she didn’t want to leave me alone.

It was all as if she was trying the hardest to push herself onto me. She ignored all my boundary and hints to stop.

@Mimishu1995: Whatever her intentions are, none of that sounds comfortable to me. Ultimately, you have to trust your own instincts and not be guilted into being friends with her again.

You don’t owe anyone your time and friendship.

Friendships should not be that hard. It shouldn’t be something you have to work for. You don’t owe her anything and I would just say “we have outgrown our friendship, we have nothing in common.”

You have every right to cut her off completely and I encourage you to do so. Whether in writing or in person you need to tell her clearly that you do not want to renew the friendship and that she has hurt you too much in the past. You don’t owe her anything at this point.

Your parents’ viewpoint is understandable. So is yours.

I’m on your side. She was given a second chance. This former friend is not contributing anything positive to the relationship. She is now essentially stalking you. It sounds as if it is time to cut all connections. Perhaps explain to your parents what has occurred of recent in detail, and let them know how it makes you feel. They may have a better understanding then.

Just know that we care for you deeply. This woman sounds unhinged. You need to distance yourself from her. She needs professional help.

Cut off all communication with her, by blocking etc

You do not have to give reasons to others about why you don’t want her in your life.

If she continues this behaviour despite your decison to cut off all communication then let her know that she will be reported as a stalker and if be get police involved to keep a trail should it get to court.

Everytime you give her an inch and communicate with her she takes it as approval, so stop that immediately, by not responding, walking away and or blocking her on your cellphone.

Do Not talk with her as anything that you give as slight attention is a greenlight for her to continue.

Determine that now you ARE moving on as your hesitancy is a flag to her that you are uncertain and thus she continues to badger you for more.

Her problems are HERS to get counselling for, not you to solve for her.

Move and change all phone numbers and other identifying info/numbers.

Have you tried telling her openly and directly how you feel about your relationship? If so, did that backfire?

@Zaku
That involves talking with this manipulative girl which she wants ( attention).
She demonstrates her disrespect for his choice to leave her permanently.

@kritiper
Thats a good suggestion until his parents may spill the new information.

Manipulative people don’t grow that quickly. I’ve known manipulative people and it often takes more than 3 years for things to change if they did change. Most do not because it is in their character to be that way. She no doubt has no friends because she hasn’t changed.

Now that she has kids it may be that she’s looking for a free sitter. If you have her phone number message her the truth. Tell her that you wish her well but you have no intentions of maintaining a friendship that didn’t work the first time around.

@Zaku No I haven’t, but I was friends with another girl in high school who was also extremely abusive. She had a tendency to explode into rage for the slightest offense. I would occasionally tell her, nicely and subtly, about what bothered me, and she would get really livid and blame everything on my own doing. Sometimes it would even happen around things that had nothing to do with her An example would be that I told her I was bothered by the fact that my classmates left me out of class activities. She burst into rage and told me that was because I was lazy and didn’t care for the class.

I had a lot of trauma dealing with that girl. I’m afraid this would be what would happen if I told this friend my feeling, seeing how similar they are. Or seeing the situation now, she could try to appear apologetic to suck me in for a while.

@Mimishu1995
Found this link of which may help you to solve this problem once and for all.
Link:
https://www.artofmanliness.com/people/relationships/how-to-cut-toxic-people-out-of-your-life/

@Inspired_2write Also I’m a woman :P

@Mimishu1995
Sorry I did not know.
It doesn’t change the solution offerred in getting rid of a toxic person in your life.

You may need to be very direct as she sounds like a narcissist. The only way to win is to not play. Now she knows just showing up got your attention and time, she WILL do it again.
For me that would be very rude, just showing up, and I would have asked her to leave. It’s sad but some people need to see your backbone before they show respect.
You can still be polite but firm. This is not a good time to visit, please do not show up without permission at my home.

True she could have changed but forcing her way into your life unwanted, without an apology for past abuse, is a red flag.

I have not yet read the other’s answers, will do so after posting.

This woman is no friend. I would send her a firm, but polite message telling her that you have moved on and would prefer not to be in contact with her any longer. Tell her to please refrain from calling, texting, emailing or any other correspondence and to never show up un-announced again as you consider that to be rude and in bad form. Then block her.

Show your parents what you wrote to us, and explain it over and over until they understand.

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. You should not have to be held hostage in your own life.

Even if this woman has changed, and I seriously doubt that she has, you don’t owe her any explanation other than that you felt used by her in the past, and you have moved on.

@Inspired_2write Duh! If that were to occur, it would be more evidence that shit does happen.

Don’t be available. Ever.

Moving and changing phone numbers as @kritiper has suggested are way too onerous and extreme in my opinion. I do think you have to send her one clear message in some form that she is out of your life and must not approach you any more in any way. Then do the blocking, etc. that is necessary.

As a side issue, you are now in your early or mid-twenties, right? I don’t think you need to convince your parents that what you are doing is right. What you choose to do regarding friendships is your business alone, even if you are still living in their house.

It sounds like a stalker it’s not even necessary to read allllll the detail in your posts. It sounds a nightmare!!! People associate a stalker to a male and female romantic relationships, but not always the case.

Ask her for money…

@janbb the problem is that yesterday morning my parents were the one telling her I was at home and opening the door wide for her and got me up for her. If I don’t let them know the severity of the situation she will come again, and they will open the door and tell her I’m available again. That would mean all of my blocking and saying no in texts would be useless. No one in the right mind continues to harass someone for years after being obviously ignored and coming to their house uninvited. She has proven herself to be capable of going to the deep end just to get what she wants.

I want my parents to at least agree to lock the door on her.

@Mimishu1995 I understand that now. You’re right.

@janbb I have already thought of some plans to get the message of “don’t ever bother me again” across to her and get my parents to see who she really is. I just need to discuss them with my current group of friends this evening to make sure they all come through well according to our culture. My friends all know about her now and they all agree she is a psycho I’ll update you all about the progress.

Narcissistic or psychopathic people do all they can to hook you. Even to the point of launching smear tactics. Be strong, Be Safe. I wish you well.

Update: I talked to my friend about my situation. We realized that my biggest fear right now is that she would become so enraged that she would find ways to ruin me if I pull the plug. Things like spreading falsehood about me and stuff. I used to be in that situation before when I stopped communication with another abusive friend when she posted a twisted version of our friendship on FB luckily she didn’t publish my name so I didn’t get destroyed by misguided people. That is why I have been so subtle for so long.

We also discovered that her FB profile is full of photos of her having fun, whether with her family or other people. She posts so frequently that there are several day when she post multiple photos at once. She just has to announce everything to the entire world to see, to the point that her own children are part of the show. Most unnerving to me is how there are multiple pictures of her children being sick with half-joking, attention seeking captions there is even a post of her child going to the hospital with video and multiple pictures of the child in different angles. This al cast serious doubt on her claim about not having friends and too busy with children, which means she could very much be lying as part of the ploy to hook me in. Side note: my friend said the ex-friend just has that facial feature of an inherently dishonest person. She just got bad vibes from the photos.

So, my friend told me that my fear is reasonable. But as we can see at this point, my subtlety clearly doesn’t work. She actively chooses to ignore my hints and tries hard to push herself onto me, whether I like it or not. The only way to deal with her right now is to be as frank as possible about our relationship and block her everywhere, from social media to real life. She would be mad, it’s inevitable, but if I want out of the relationship, that’s the only way. My friend assured me that my group of friends will be here for me if that ex-friend even wants to do anything to me. She told me to leave the ex-friend’s phone numbers just in case.

And about my parents, after some talking, we figured out that my parents may not totally buy into the sob story. They may just want me to befriend her because she was friends for so long and they are suffering from the “familiar effect”. This morning, my mom kind of vaguely wondered if the ex-friend was there for the money, and my dad asked me what I meant yesterday when I said she manipulated me I told them she would ask for very large amount of money, and it wasn’t just borrowing, it was full-on charity. So my parents are already vaguely suspecting she is coming for an ulterior motive. This is much easier for me because I was fearing they were welcoming her again. So my strategy is to prove to them that their suspicion is right. Tell them I could no longer find joy in our conversation in the cafe, and I could sense her insincerity. And also show them the FB page. Over time, they will be convinced that she is coming for something not very good, and I think they won’t tolerate someone getting money without paying back.

I will go on with my plan. First I will do my things with my parents, then when they are convinced, I will shut all contact with her for good.

Wish me luck.

Every word sentence in your post is informative/useful, which is helping you, it looks like.

Good luck @Mimishu1995!! Stick to your convictions, kid.

@Mimishu1995 Just be careful you aren’t going all ‘mean girl’ on her, because enforcing your personal boundaries doesn’t require anyone other than you, telling her she is overstepping.

@KNOWITALL I don’t see it getting near “mean girl” territory. It’s just We can’t be friends anymore”, that’s it.

@chefl The last post sounded a bit much, telling the parents and friends is one thing, giving friends her phone number is questionable ethically, to me.
But I’ve been attacked by a group of Vietnamese girls before, they run in packs because of the culture.

@KNOWITALL Ok, but her parents have just recently come to maybe see her side. And it is possible, that her friends are not “mean girls” kinds of people? I agree it could look like ganging up but she sounds like she just doesn’t stop.

@chefl I’m not sure she knows @Mimishu doesnt like her. Blocking and ghosting are not communication. She had the perfect opportunity to be honest when the girl showed up at her house, but she still didn’t tell her the friendship was over.
I’m just trying to see both sides and I feel a bit sad that she may be surprised to hear @Mimi didnt tell her, but told everyone else.

@KNOWITALL Although I see your point about when she showed up at her house, if someone blocks ghosts someone, they are saying no more communication/ no more friendship.

@chefl Perhaps if you’re afraid of confrontation, but most adults have a conversation.

“Listen, we’ve known eachother awhile but the friendship seems mostly one-sided and due to past issues, I’d prefer to cut all contact moving forward. I wish you all the best in your life.”

It’s the right thing to do. I’ve asked many people to leave my home, one was driving drunk, and it is perfectly acceptable to have boundaries and enforce them.
Legally, I would also have written proof she was adked not to come and if she does it again, ypu can press trespassing charges (in the US.)

@KNOWITALL I agree with you that in feeling that a direct statement should be made to her – either in person or in writing.

@KNOWITALL That is perfect if it is someone who will accept ”“Listen, we’ve known eachother…” I hope she’ll try that and not get a come back.

By the way, no one needs to go out of their way, to show that they’re not afraid of confrontation. Some hateful people, use that as justification for their hateful actions too.

@chefl It is the right thing to do and the adult thing to do. People are not mind-readers, we are obligated to communicate.

There’s a huge difference in standing up for yourself and being hateful. But you can bet your ass I wouldn’t go sit and chat with someone who treated me poorly.

@KNOWITALL I’ll leave it with my previous to last post, although I still don’t want to do what… people do (maybe another word not necessarily “hateful”).

@chefl You think confronting someone who treats you like shit is rude probably. If you aren’t in the US I understand you may handle it differently.

If I were the terrible girl, I’d rather hear it from @Mimi than other people, like her friends or parents though.

@KNOWITALL rude? No, it’s not about rude and not rude, it’s about not giving them oxygen

I’ll leave it at that.

@KNOWITALL Be firm with them once and for all. I see what you mean.

@chefl Yes. In my opinion ghosting, blocking and telling other people without telling me what I did wrong is very rude and a bit cruel.

@KNOWITALL I thought we were on the same page finally, but after your last post, not so much. Let’s say someone used to answer your questions, and but it’s been a while since they did. Would you think of them as cruel that they “ghosted” you? Would you think of them as rude and cruel that they didn’t let you know in person, phone call email, etc?

People may hesitate to make friends if they were told that if they want to end the friendship they are goint to get into something like:
“I’m ending our friendship because you did/said .... to me”
“That was not what I said you’re twisting what I said…., and I did that to help you…”
,“No you said ....to me, I know what you meant don’t deny it….”
”You did… to my brother .... which is way worse”*
Completely unnecessary. It may feel bad, perfectly understandable, but it should not be an obligation. (edited)

@KNOWITALL @janbb I have already explained why I couldn’t be direct with her on my last post. She exhibits narcissistic tendency and can’t take no for an answer. If I was direct to her, my conversation would go exactly like @chefl said. Or worse, she could take our conversation to social media and make our drama public. She has been shifting blame on me several times before when we were still friends. She once put our argument on social media. I think I had problems with blaming myself just because of our interaction.

You think it’s cruel to ghost because you are not a selfish narcissist. I would find it cruel too. But we are dealing with a narcissist who has been time and time again breaking any boundary to get what she wants. I have to thread the water very carefully.

I also said in my last post that this time I will explain to her why I’m leaving. But I will also block her because I don’t want to give her any chance to come on me and twist my words.

I admit that the numbers part isn’t very right, but I hope that we wouldn’t turn down to the mean girl path.

@Mimishu1995 Consider being more careful about the labeling. You’ve called this girl a “psycho” and now a “narcissist”. It’s statistically unlikely that she has serious mental health issues and if she did, she’d be deserving of respect. Armchair diagnoses are harmful to those actually suffering from these problems. There’s also no facial features that mean a person is dishonest.

Any chance you feel like you’re not allowed to stop being friends unless this girl is abnormal in some way? You are allowed, though. You don’t need to explain, bring up the past, or label her. The only reason you need is “I don’t feel comfortable around her.”

Have you ever told her anything like that? If you haven’t, I agree that it would be kind to do so. A text is fine. If you have told her in the past, ghosting is acceptable because at that point, she is disrespecting your boundaries – narcissistic or not.

@longgone the facial feature is what my friend said. I personally don’t really agree with judging people by looking at their faces.

And I’m sorry that I’m using labels on her. I’m really emotional right now and I don’t know what else to call her. Just thinking about her bring up some really nasty memory, especially when it’s clear she refuses to leave me alone.

I plan to write her a message when I’m done talking with my parents. It’s a really scary thing to me because I used to talk with another abusive friend and she came down on me hard and managed to bring me back to her again.

I’m sorry if I’m doing anything wrong. She has been a really negative influence on me and I picked up a lot of behavior from her that people would have labeled me as “psycho” when I was still her friend. still have issues from her abuse. I’m not feeling very well these days.

This is the message that I plan to send to her before going no contact forever:

Dear X, I have been thinking about this for a long time now. I was too afraid to tell you this, but I think I have to now, for the benefit of us both. I realized that I have changed too much. I no longer share anything in common with you. I no longer feel any connection toward you. Every time we talk, I feel like I have to force myself to enjoy our conversation. I realized that this isn’t a good way to go, because it would be so awkward if I just hang around you out of pity for you situation. I think the best course of action would be for us to go on our own way, so that we don’t have to feel pressured into being together anymore. I hope you will find a better friend than me in the future.

Is this a good message?

I think you’re over apologizing and over explaining. If it were me, I’d be short and clear:

“Dear X,

I can not be your friend any more. Please do not contact me again as I will not be responding to you.”

And then do all the blocking and ghosting that you want.

I think it’s too much. I broke off with a friend that I had been friends with for over 20 years. We had vastly different political leanings and I could no longer take the things she was saying.
My message to her was short and to the point: Our friendship has ran its course. I no longer want to be friends with you.

She got the point and has never contacted me. It’s been over a year.
The more you explain, the more she will have comeback answers. You just want it over.

@Mimishu1995
Congratulations!
Sometimes bad people come into our lives to teach us to value ourselves more than they did.
Good will come out of this in that you finally will take a stand and stick by it and thereafter you WILL value yourself in that you will NOT allow alnother to treat you with disrespect as she had done to you for far too long.
This is the first day of your NEW you, Congrats.
( assertive You).

@Mimishu1995 I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well, this is probably very stressful after she just showed up.
You do what you think is best, I fully support empowering you in a positive way.

As much as we have talked outside this site, I know you’re a good human and will make a good decision. :)

@Mimishu1995 That sounds really stressful. It’s too bad she won’t take the hint. You sound almost traumatized. I’m really sorry that all happened to you.

If a so called friend punches you, you would’t feel the need to explain why you have to end the friendship. It doesn’t have to be different just because it’s not physical. (edited)

@chefl It doesn’t have to be different, but it often is.

@Mimishu1995 I’m sorry you’re going through this.

@Pied_Pfeffer Yes , it often is but it doesn’t have to be, it’s not different.

Update 2: my dad finally agreed not to allow my friend back to my home. He said she could be there for an ulterior motive and I don’t have to greet her if I don’t want to.

Now I will go for the second phase of my plan: blocking her for good.

Yay dad! Good job, Mimi.

@Mimishu1995 Good for you.

Glad to hear your Dad is on your side.

Update 3: I finally blocked her. I blocked her on every single place I could think of, from phone numbers to social media to messaging app.

I had mixed feeling about it the first few minutes of blocking her. On one hand I felt vaguely sad for going for such a drastic measure. This is the first time I have ever done something so drastic to someone. I wish we could have been better friends, she does have her wit and she could be a great person if she used her wit for something more positive. But on the other hand, I just don’t want to put myself through another round of abuse again. I have had enough of her messing with my mind and I refuse to let her rule my life again.

Then I continued with my needle felting project and I felt happy :D

And now, honestly, I don’t feel anything at all. I feel like my life is back to normal before when she came to my house.

I just hope that she won’t do anything too horrible to me after this. I have already told my coworkers about my problem and asked them to look out if they ever see a smear campaign on my personal FB page. One of my coworkers was horrified by my story and immediately understood what I was feeling. At least I will have them to back me up if anything ever happens to my job.

@cookieman Re-read through your posts later, and you will not only realize the craziness that this friend was showing, but the fear it caused you.

We have gotten to know you long enough now to realize that you are logical and have solid instincts for one your age. Hopefully, you can now relax a bit, but keep your guard up. She sounds deceptive.

^^ I suspect that was meant for @Mimishu1995 !

^^ Not surprising. @Mimishu1995 and I are indistinguishable in person.

^^ Ha! Well, you are logical and have solid instincts for one your age!

Now the only thing I’m sad about is her children. They have been paraded for attention since they were born. They will pick up her negative behavior sooner or later, and either they will realize they are living with a bad mother and feel miserable, or become abusers themselves. But I don’t think I can do anything about it.

@cookieman I guess if we were to walk side-by-side, we would be twins ~

@Mimishu1995: Absolutely. ;^)