Please explain "I just want to be listened to, not be given the solution"?

The search looks good. Has some good articles.

Yes, sometimes just listening can give the impression you agree. You have to gauge if that’s ok or not. By ok, I mean do you feel ok you might be perceived as agreeing. If you feel like you need to tell them what to do, try to be self aware that you might be trying to reduce your own anxiety about the situation, or might come across controlling. Moreover, your answer might not be the right answer for the person who is venting.

Some people think things through better when they talk out loud. They are thinking out loud. Some people relieve stress by telling someone their frustrations. There might not be an answer or an action to take, just relieving stress.

Just tell them that you understnd there frustration ,but that you don’t agree to that way of thinking.

This is something my wife said a lot. My instinct was always to listen with the intent of formulating a plan. I’m a problem solver. Why are we talking about this if you don’t want to try and solve it?

She did not like this.

It took me years to learn that she just wanted to vent. I finally got good at just listening. She likes this much better, which is great.

Unfortunately, nothing changes and she’s been venting about some of the same stuff for years.

So, I’m a better listener, but it’s had the unfortunate side effect of me just not caring about the issue anymore. I find this sad, but whataya gonna do?

As an engineer, it took me years to finally realize that sometimes you just need to be that shoulder to cry on and not a problem solver.

I’m really dreadful about this.

My first instinct is try to solve the problem. Just listening feels counterintuitive to me.

Though over the years, I’ve learned to just ask them what they want up front.

Do you need me to listen right now? Or do you want advice?

I grew up in a family that believes in solving problems and fixing things, and raised my sons that way. My youngest son has married into a family that loves to complain about everything and they get annoyed when you try to “fix” it.

By the way I don’t have this problem.
@JLeslie, “try to be self aware that you might be trying to reduce your own anxiety about the situation.” So, if it causes anxiety for the spouse who is listening, (usually it’s between couples, and it’s always the female one who says that, isn’t? I think one of the articles says that.) Why would it be necessary for the husband /boyfriend to have and maintain a level of anxiety? I wouldn’t want a spouse who twists things and maybe says to others “My spouse is controlling” when all he’s trying to do is helping solve her problem,

“Moreover, your answer might not be the right answer for the person who is venting.” So, let’s say the problem she is venting about is her boss tells her that she comes in _late a lot, she is at the water cooler a lot, she is inappropriate with the customers and employees, she makes many mistakes with her work, so she’ll be fired if she doesn’t change. The husband is supposed to say ”Yes dear, even if he knows for a fact about the being late for work part, and even if the inappropriate with people she hardly knows part, etc.?
@Inspired_2write , I see that as a perfect solution.
As @cookieman wrote “Unfortunately, nothing changes and she’s been venting about some of the same stuff for years.
@Blackwater_Park, I can understand that there are times when people need a shoulder to cry on, like a loved one dies etc. if there is no way the problem can be solved.
@raum What loved ones are supposed to do for each other is solve each other’s problems. I don’t see it as you being dreadful.
@YARNLADY, I don’t get it why would people not want the end of a problem?
It’s not pro-women, it makes women look ridiculous.
(Edited)

@chefl There are so many scenarios, you gave examples that would make my suggestion not be the wisest. It’s not always telling a spouse; it could be a parent or friend. Obviously, it depends on the situation. I sometimes tell people when I disagree with them, I don’t always just silently sit there and listen or always just agree to be supportive.

Let’s say a hurricane is coming, and you are complaining to your dad that you waited 30 minutes to get gas and the supermarkets had empty shelves. Your dad starts getting worried you are not prepared and keeps telling you to leave town and drive north away from the storm. You aren’t going to leave, but his pushing is to relieve his anxiety. Probably better not to talk to him about it at all, but he keeps calling you, because he sees the hurricane is coming, and during the conversation you make the mistake of complaining to him. Like I said he needs to fix it to feel better himself.

Or, complaining to your husband about working too many hours. You don’t want to quit. Your husband hates watching you overworked and keeps urging you to quit, because it is annoying to him that you complain and do nothing different to solve it. You want to be able to complain to unload your frustrations from the day.

My father might leave town as his solution to the hurricane, but his solution is not what would work for me, I don’t want to leave. I live where people evacuate to.

@JLeslie I see the situation you’re presenting is tough, but he wants you to be more safe than you are. How lucky you are. He is trying to make sure he does his best to keep you safer, since even if you’re at a place people are evacuating to, things may get unexpectedly worse. Why s it wrong that he wants to feel better? It’s not like you want him to drown in guilt feeling if he ends up not expressing his honest feeling.
And just like “You want to be able to complain to unload your frustrations from the day.” the person you want to compain to also should be able to give you their honest advice.
There may be a blind spot that only others can see.
How lucky you are.

As far as I know this complaint (just listen don’t fix) it’s attributed to women, not to men.

@chefl With the hurricane situation the media was making it look like the entire state of Florida would be hit by a Hurricane Cat-5. Totally impossible where I live, I’m north of Orlando.

I’ve been through probably 15 hurricanes while I was living on the coast, I’ve been in the eye, and he didn’t freak out so much, but the media got better at scaring people.

In central Florida we weren’t panicked, we know the deal, but the national news just made it look like there would be ten foot deep flooding 60 miles inland. It was crazy the last time a hurricane was coming through.

During a hurricane the coastal cities are supposed to evacuate inland within their own county. I’m 3 counties in. People in the interior are evacuated if they are on waterways that might flood.

Nothing wrong with people who want to leave town to be safe, I don’t judge it at all, but you would be surprised how many people evacuate to places that get hit anyway. Also, all that movement creates horrendous traffic. That’s why people are told to just go inland in their own county.

@JLeslie This is not about hurracaines i Florida. If there is anyone who is willing to give you the honest truth as they see it take that as a gift. The people who are not that close to you may not care enough to tell you what they think. If they are wrong about something then they get corrected. But the main thing from my last post “the person who is listening to the complaint should feel free to say the truth as they see it. You don’t want them to suffer in silence.
From @cookieman‘s post “Unfortunately, nothing changes and she’s been venting about some of the same stuff for years.”
“So, I’m a better listener, but it’s had the unfortunate side effect of me just not caring about the issue anymore. I find this sad, ...”

@chefl It is about someone who does not really have all of the accurate information or familiarity with the situation trying to get someone who does have more information to take action.

Many times the person complaining is not telling a full story, and so the person listening is only working off of partial information, and it’s all of the negative stuff they are working from. In the hurricane example my dad not only didn’t have my full story, he had an outside source purposely making it sound and look worse.

@JLeslie But anyone who doesn’t have the full and accurate information should just be given the correct info,(whether it’s the complainer or the listener). “Don’t give me the honest truth, just listen and empathize with me.” doesn’t help anyone. It’s lose-lose situation. How about @cookieman‘s post. Doesn’t that say it all?

@chefl: You quote me again, I’m gonna have to start charging you.

@cookieman No problem whatever it is, it would be worth it. But if you charge the ones who didn’t repond, there is gzillions.

@JLeslie Do you want @YARNLADY‘s in-laws kind of family.

@chefl For the most part I do have @YARNLADY’s type of family, but like most people, when they become frightened, angry, or anxious, they aren’t as rational as when they are calm.

@JLeslie @YARNLADY‘s in-laws type of family, or YARNLADY’s type of family?

Her type of family.

@JLeslie Ok. So, the whole idea of don’t give me honest advice, just listen to me and empathize with me is…