Should I be upset if my supposedly "friends" for 9 month does not really know my name?

I don’t think that being upset or mad about it would help anything. So no.

I would tend to be much more concerned about the other friends implying I needed to respect myself more and that it’s not ok. I would consider demonstrating my self-respect by telling them what they can do with their opinions, that I don’t need that advice, and that they shouldn’t talk to me that way.

And/or, I might ask them to tell me what they think of me in general, and how they got the impression that I don’t respect myself, or that they should talk to me that way. If I thought they were honest about how they feel about me, I would thank them for that perspective. And if I judged that they could handle it and would respond appropriately, I would share my feelings about that.

I would also ask them to explain their thinking around why they think it would help anything to get mad about that, and why they think if someone doesn’t get mad about it, that would mean that they lack self-respect, and that they should assume that and tell that person to get mad at someone else. I would explain that I do not feel that way, and that I suspect they may be insecure themselves if they feel that way.

If my friend saying my name correctly was important to me, I’d simply mention it to them, and correct them when they said it incorrectly.

You have to understand that some languages are just hard for foreigners to master, no matter how long they are exposed to it, especially when they aren’t taught the basics and are expected to pronounce isolated words. Does your name happen to be Vietnamese? If so then I wouldn’t be surprised they have difficulty pronouncing it. An obvious example is that there is just no word equivalent to “anh” in English, both in spelling and pronunciation. The /un/ thing you said is only slightly similar to the actual pronunciation of the word. The best way I can describe it is the word “un” (one) in French, but that’s still not the same. So even though “anh” is one of the most simple words in Vietnamese, it’s already a hassle for foreigner to pronounce.

So I don’t think I could be mad at the friends over such things if I was you. If anything, I would consider it a miracle if they managed to pronounce my name right. I would be more concerned about my feeling toward them in general: do they like me as a person? Do I feel comfortable around them? Do I feel like they are being genuine and not using me for some ulterior motive?

The way you write “supposed friends” just seem to me like you have some problem with them. Are you upset that they don’t pronounce your name right or is there something deeper?

@Mimishu1995 well that was just an example that I try to find, my name is actually Khoa and the pronunciation is literally /qua/ or /kwa/ in english. People mispronounced my name my entire life which has never been the issue. The first issue I mentioned was they never tried to know or say my name for months and I notice it so I find conversations to mention my name from time to time or other friends would mention it in front of them. I only initiate a confrontation cause one butchered my name after trying the first time in 9 months. I said supposedly cause I agree with my friend that from stories I told them with other friends, I think I need to respect myself and know when say something instead of letting it sit for so long. Since personally I always make sure people are acknowledged and remember people name even if I just meet them once. Thank you for the insight, I am just more concern about the 9 months and this was the first time someone didn’t even care enough to know my name, I guess. Since when I think about it, in any normal conversation, names are mentioned every so often, but they was skilled enough to avoid it for so long lol.

@Zaku That’s a whole new perspective, I talked to these friends to see how they would react and they have a strong sense of self where they would speak up for themselves more openly since I always tries to be a considerate person but also a chill person meaning I do not know when to step my ground until I am pushed to my limit. I obviously noticed how skillful they were to avoid saying my name for so long, since in any conversation I mention people name as a type of acknowledgement of them as person. Personally I would never not know a friends name but I guess I am not applying it the other way around to how people treat me. Just like you said ” I’d simply mention it to them, and correct them when they said it incorrectly”, I noticed it and thought it providing hints here and there would fixed the problem, but it seem they didn’t care enough to notice. I think you are also right that getting mad doesn’t help which was my mindset, but as I type this, I tolerate people too much even something as abnormal as this since it never happened to me before was a mistake. I did try to fix it without being explicit but I step my ground but even then I did not do it seriously enough to earn respect, I suppose, I always make it as a joke or say “its okay”. Thank you for the respond, it made me think about it more.

“Khoa” also isn’t a word in English, and it is more difficult to pronounce than anh.

It just seems to me like you are influenced by what your other friends are saying. You say “supposed” because it was the word your friends used, not a word you came up with yourself. And now you are telling us details that we haven’t seen on the details like the twins intentionally avoiding saying your name. Before that you said “they don’t intentionally want to be rude but ended up doing so and it might be relating to their ADHD to some extent…”

I agree with @Zaku that if you think remembering names is important, then you just tell them directly, without any hint. Just tell them “hey, I am someone who put a lot of importance in names, so I remember your name and so should you. So I’d really appreciate it if you take an effort to remember my name ok?” After all, you’ve been with them for 9 months so I don’t think there is anything against being honest with each other. And you get to see how they react to that request and figure out for yourself if they are worth keeping around too.

And, like I said, I would also focus more on other things. Is not remembering names the only weakness they have or do they have any other negativity that doesn’t sit right with you? Ultimately you are the only one who can decide whether to keep this friendship going, not your friends.

When I was in college, I had a nickname that was a shortened version of my last name. People called me that and I responded to it better than to my first name. After a few years, many people I had met had never known my real name, first or last.

At one point, on a third date with a woman I had been intimate with, she turned to me and said, “this is a bit embarrasing, but what is your real name?”

Yes, it can be a bit surprising, but it is not that unusual especially amongst people you meet informally and get to know without ever having a formal introduction.

Khoa is a tricky name for Americans. Personally, I’m quite adept at avoiding names that I know I’m going to butcher.

Also agree with @Zaku. I’d be more wary of the friends that are seemingly sowing discord over such a small thing.

@4Fourgotten Sounds good. Since you have been friendly with them for 9 months, I agree that it should be possible to have that conversation with them, and they should understand it is important to make an effort to try to learn your name correctly. It may be difficult and take them time, since they have ADHD (and are American?). But I would hope that could not need to involve anger – it might even be fun to try to teach them how to say it.

One thing that stands out to me about your reply to me, is when you wrote:

” I always tries to be a considerate person but also a chill person meaning I do not know when to step my ground until I am pushed to my limit.”

Because, to me, being considerate and chill do not at all need to mean that a person doesn’t know how to assert themselves. Being considerate and chill are both valuable positive qualities. They don’t cause a lack of boundaries. But not having good boundaries can cause some people to suppress their anger.

@raum well the thing is they can pronounce my name if they just tried to listen cause they said it instantly once I corrected them once but the point in not the pronunciation, it’s that it took 9 months for them to try to say it was the issue, if we werent friends then it wouldnt matter. These are also people I met in real life and introduced myself formally not some online discord friends that does not need to know my real name. I feel like I left out some context but the friends I asked for opinion was to see what perspective they have on how they would deal with the situation themselves…If I had to choose I would pick these friends over the twin in a heartbeat, they are not telling me to be mad or what to do, they just say that its part of being friends and name is the basic part of that and one of the first thing that is mentioned when meeting anyone in person. I am curious though if you would be okay to hang out with someone who does not even try to say your name for months and how would you feel? or you would explicitly make sure they know unlike how I implicitly gave hints all over that did not worked out lol.

Your screen name suggests you probably not get upset. I would draw the line
at calling them friend if they can’t remember your name. I don’t care how exotic
or ‘hard’ your name is!

You want me to treat you for dinner once in a while? Then learn my name!
If you get it close… I’ll treat you to lunch… lunch special.

@4Fourgotten I might not be the best person to ask about this, since I have very little attachment to my name.

I’ve never really felt it fit me. More of a thing that my parents gave me before I was old enough to even have a personality.

The whole tradition of giving babies a name at birth is, I guess, necessary. But also kind of a weird guessing game.

So yeah. I wouldn’t particularly care if a friend of mine didn’t say my name for months. But I also realize that’s not exactly the norm.

How does this friend treat you otherwise?

@raum I see and that is a completely logical reason to not feel attach to it unless you connect it to parental love or some sentimental values such as that. I would say I do not have that since my dad gave me my name but wasn’t involved in my life, however the name grew on me as it becomes my unique identifier which I think many people would feel the same way and even more strongly for some. And the “norm” especially in this situation is somewhat sensitive, since myself, my friends, and others feel terrible forgetting even acquaintances’ name or when only one person remembers the name… These twins are people I met as I tried to be social after college which was very hard. They seem to shown interest in hanging out with me since they initiate hangout like 18/20 times we hang out and usually for like 5–6 hours at a time. Which seem even more odd that they dont know my name as I mention this lol. They are overly polite and respectable people that I had to limit my sarcasm since I feel like they dont get it. They’re one of the first friends who the connection was purely similar interests in movies, animations, tv series. So I feel a little odd since I build friendship through personal bonds most of the time. Even after months, I barely know their background since those topic doesn’t lasts long when I initiated. On one perspective, they could just like my company since they can share anything they want with me and I can relate or try what they like.

Are you in the states, Vietnam or elsewhere? Wondering if there’s also a cultural aspect to consider.

@WhyNow I think you’re definitely right after some contemplations and seeing others’ perspective. Saying it wrong is one thing, but not trying to say it is another thing. Well I drew the line, only way to tell if it made a lasting mark is for the next hangout… This is honestly an odd situation and will be fun story to tell later in life.

@raum I am in the northeastern states and I been in America for like 20ish years/most of my life. We grew up in different states and environment, but I would consider myself pretty American as well but race does cause a variable in experiences too of course. They’re also in their early 30s and I’m mid 20s

@Zaku Because, to me, being considerate and chill do not at all need to mean that a person doesn’t know how to assert themselves. Being considerate and chill are both valuable positive qualities. They don’t cause a lack of boundaries. But not having good boundaries can cause some people to suppress their anger.

If the OP is Vietnamese or at least is influenced by Vietnamese culture, then I can see what he means here. Here people conflates being chill with being spineless a lot. If someone is chill and carefree, it automatically means they are an easy target to step on. So to counter this, people become as mean as they can to make themselves look “strong”. It means getting angry easily and stubbornly holding to one’s opinion even though it’s blatantly wrong. I suspect this is what his friends’ reasoning is.