Should you never let them see you sweat?

People deal with stress differently, as for buying an over priced house couldn’t you wait a few months and just rent to see what the market does?

@JLeslie didn’t you just move back to FLA a few years ago?

There’s no shame in being stressed, and there’s no shame in showing it. Don’t worry about it.

And don’t compare yourself to your friend. Everyone’s personality is different.

Not so much comparing, just more like I’m observing. Maybe learning.

The way I’m getting through it is just accepting I might lose money and I can’t have my way without probably destroying my marriage.

Holding it in can be unhealthy. Pressure cookers have their limits.

For me, sharing my stress with ANYONE means I’m at breaking point.
But, knowing you, I think sharing here or with friends could be more healthy as you’re an excellent coomunicator.

I’m more like your friend in that I find that I deal with stress better IF I stay quiet & deal with it myself!!! I don’t actually handle stress all that well to begin with. I have found over the years that well meaning friends don’t listen to my concerns & give me what might possibly be good advice for “their” concerns. So, I do better when the stress hits its peak & I “have to” DEAL with it!!! At that point, I concentrate better on what my way out is. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it’s what works best for me!!! Now back to my well meaning friends…IF I confided in any of them, during my NOT dealing with it at all phase, they are driving me crazy to decide what I should do & I can’t concentrate on MY problem for dealing with THEIR problem!!! One friend in particular will simply “take over” the problem in order to FIX it herself & fix it she does in a way that would be best for “her”. As much as I appreciate her caring enough to do it, I find I’m even MORE stressed out because it is NOT what “I needed” done. Then I have a minimum of 2 things to FIX myself & her feelings are hurt because I didn’t like what she did. So, I just find it easier on myself to stay QUIET & do it MY WAY!!!

Since your marriage is important to you, I suggest you find a way to ACCEPT that money is secondary in this situation!!! Assuming your husband loves you as much as you love him, I think he is probably doing ALL this in order to take care of you in a better way…at least in his mind. Sharing this life together should be more important than losing some money on a house!!! Yes, going into the unknown is scary; but, you won’t be going into it ALONE!!! This is just the NEXT phase of your marriage!!! So, support him for now. IF it all goes south, you can leave him later!!!

@KNOWITALL I feel like I’m at a breaking point. The past week I felt “defeated.” I had a second wind at one point a few days ago and felt like all I can do to overcome my feelings is to set some goals and accomplish them regarding things I have put aside that I have wanted to do. It’s just the timing is off. The other option would have been to just unite with his plan in every way and give up what I want and what I think is best.

You complimented me with communicating well, but I don’t think I can communicate it all very well. Too much to explain. It’s like five therapy sessions worth. Lol.

I have several very close friends in whom I confide. It helps me to do so. Is there no wiggle room with your spouse as to when you buy a new house? It seems like you have had a lot of changes in the last several years and have really been happy in The Villages.

In any case, I am sorry you are so stressed.

Talking it out helps me to put it into a workable format. Having to explain, with correct wording and grammar and syntax, so someone else will understand, makes it more manageable for me.

Maybe consider a few sessions with a therapist, an objective third party may help you formulate ways you can speak to your husband about your distress without him being upset. Because this is specifically situational, it will likely only be a few sessions, you won’t need to commit to long term psychoanalysis.

I am sorry you are going through this, I really hope you can resolve things.

Were you even in the know of this new job/new house deal?
It seems to me, if you were not, it’s very understandable that you are stressed.
It is something that I’d consider a two-person subject, and decision.
Then again, maybe I’m assuming/questioning incorrectly.

I don’t really have a stress problem so I can’t suggest anything in that realm. I will offer some insights into what is causing the stress. When the housing market exploded in 2009 my house dropped to about 25% of what I had paid. I didn’t think I’d ever get my money back. The only bright spot was that the house I sold also dropped in value so what I gained on one end, I lost on the other. Of course now the market has recovered and my house is worth more than I paid so I’ve been made whole.

All this is to say that things have a way of working out as long as you have the time and don’t get over extended. Things are never as bad as you fear nor as good as you hope.

@rebbel I was in the know, although he accepted the job without a final talk through with me. I knew he interviewed, I knew he was interested, I knew he wanted to take it if the offer was to his liking. I think you don’t live in the US? The job he accepted is in North Carolina (NC) an eight hour drive from where we live in Florida (FL).

At the same time he had an offer two hours from where we live in FL, which I would have preferred. We disagree that the compensation is better from the NC company. He says he felt better with how they handled the offer, not just the raw numbers. He’s the one working, he’s the one who talked to the companies, I just have to trust he’s right. Or, I don’t necessarily trust it, but I need to give him the behemoth of the doubt at least.

The house, yes, I’m also in the know, I just don’t want to do it, or prefer a different house and location. It’s a lot to write out.

It probably sounds like he is demanding everything, but it’s not like that. He’s been a great husband, it’s just circumstances and some bad decisions we’ve made the last several years. He is actually trying to normalize things again, which we both want.

Oh, I’m sorry. You always seemed so happy with where you’re living. Moving is the worst, and to think you can’t even talk about it…

Feeling like you don’t have control over your own life can make you depressed. At least your husband should be told how you feel, in detail. Then you can work together to hopefully find a solution that takes you into account, which it sounds like this is not.

Withdrawal from loved ones and feeling like there cannot be a good solution are already symptoms of depression, by the way. Maybe take an online assessment? I hope you’re “just” very sad, not depressed. But it can’t hurt to look into it.

What your friend is doing doesn’t seem admirable to me. Sounds like she wants to appear in control, and is willing to sacrifice support, practical help, and close relationships for this desire. I’m on the other end of the spectrum, I think. I naturally tend to be a little too private, and I’m trying to open up and be honest about difficulties. Just today, I told a neighbor about family issues I’ve been having. She very quickly opened up herself, admitting to similar problems and inviting me to dinner. When we pretend to be too strong, others are scared to show weaknesses. For all you know, your husband has strong reservations too – maybe he’s acting out of a sense of duty, and you two should get together to talk about your values and priorities. It’s hard to beat feeling happy where you live.

@JLeslie We are here if you need to vent or even be upset with him a minute, we get it. :) Maybe a hard workout would help?! Or drinks with your girlfriends?

We are going to live in both places. I’ll still have my house in Florida. I actually really like Charlotte, NC. I was just there for a month and it’s really nice, great food, and the company put us in a really nice apartment building in a great location.

Edit: I would like to just stay in that building.

This is where people really differ.
This sounds like an amazing adventure, to me at least.

I loved moving around when I was in the Navy. A new city with new restaurants to check out.

Don’t stress about when your furniture will get there. As long as the house is closed on and actually yours then why worry?

You can unpack gradually. Just get the keys and make sure the shower works, then go to a nice place to eat.
Google nice parks around the area etc.

Just try to breathe basically. Probably stressing yourself out more then you need to.

If you feel your husband has acted unfairly or stupidly you should have it out with him rather than complaining about it to your friends.

Starting a new job and moving house is stressful at the best of times and your husband, who probably feels he is acting in the best interests of you both, will be as stressed as you are. I am just surprised that you hadn’t talked all this through with him beforehand.

PS If you continue to have both places that sounds like a win/win to me.

@Blackberry I’ve moved many times, and mostly it is an adventure, and I’m glad I had the experiences.

Part of what makes it so stressful is my husband is a car guy, so we always have to deal with finding a house with enough garages, and a big enough garage to fit his truck, and that usually puts me up at a price that I don’t want to go up to. Now, he wants to get into racing again, wants to buy a trailer, so we need a trailer and a he wants it garages, doesn’t just want it covered, so we bought an expensive garage. It’s just complicated in so many ways.

If we just showed up, rented or bought a moderate house and could relax it would be so different.

We are in a rental apartment in Charlotte now, and I love it. (I’m back in FL as I write this). My husband is one of those people who needs to own to feel settled, I don’t feel like that.

I love the idea of feeling “lighter” and trying new things. I’d love to house swap for two to three months at time in the US and other parts of the world.

Lastly, I do love where I live in Florida.

@flutherother He’s trying to accommodate me. If it was up to him he would leave Florida completely for now.

@JLeslie
Yea I don’t have much experience in that department, sorry I can’t help more.

I’ve never even searched for a quote on a vehicle trailer before.

@JLeslie What kind of racing? Just curious, I love it!

It’s not clear whether he bought a house or is still looking. It sounds like the rest, other than buying a house, is fine with you. Maybe you can tell him your feelings about houses and prices and negotiate staying in the apartment for another six months or so?

I would do things… a creaky door, a loose door nob, rearrange the kitchen, paint
the front door. Little things you see all the time. The more you do the more your
stress will melt away.

Do the little things and the big things will seem less consequential.

I don’t know how much I could help with this since I have virtually no experience with this, but I do have something to say anyway. I would think that two people that are happily married should be in it for each other and big decisions like new jobs, buying a house, and moving to a new city should be a shared experience long before those kinds of decisions are made. A mutual discussion(s) to know what both people think about this long before settling on a plan. Marriage should be a shared experience with both being equally important in the decision-making process.

@janbb We did that in Nashville. He rented an apartment. It did not relieve any of the ongoing problems, and we missed out on the steep climb of the housing market too. The timing has been a nightmare for us. I feel like it has to be different this time to hope it will be better. We have to try something different.

I feel like I have to let him do whatever right now, we have been too unhappy.

@RayaHope We used to be very united when it came to career and moving to new cities, but several things happened the last ten years that greatly disrupted it.

My husband was laid off. Then we owned a business and it was a rough time in every way. During this time my husband sold his race car and stopped doing what he loves. He shouldn’t have!

I have ongoing health problems that for years have been a sad situation for my marriage.

We had a chance to build a house that would have made us both happy and we chickened out because of the precarious job situation. We should have built the house, we will NEVER have the same opportunity again for that house where we live. I’m still full of regret about it. I don’t think my husband would have even taken these jobs out of state if we had that house. Maybe he still would have I don’t know.

This recent job he feels like he finally got back the position he was laid off from. He’s a VP again making a salary that he is accustomed to. He didn’t care if the net amount would be less because of taxes and living in two places, he needed to do it to prove something to himself. That ego crap is annoying. That he has a very expensive hobby is annoying.

I see marriages break up, and a lot of the time it is because instead of spouses making each other’s life easier they make each other’s life harder. At this moment in time I can’t be the person keeping him from doing what he wants to do. What he needs to do to feel good. I just need to find my own way to feel good.

What he ideally wants is for me to just be on board and move to NC with him. He’s not trying to be away from me; we just have different fears and different goals right now. I think he is making a mistake, but I could be wrong. I hope I’m wrong.

I know I’m young and maybe a little naive but I would hope that you should be his number one priority and him yours. If I may be so bold, I think he is a little controlling and putting his desires first ahead of you. Building a house is something lots of people do and have done but building a home is much more rewarding. Only LOVE can build a home and love takes two. If you truly believe he is making mistakes you both should talk about it. I have learned that talking about stuff seems to always help. I was so shy (and abused) as a small child that I didn’t want to/was afraid to talk to anyone and that only exasperated my plight. If you never convey your thoughts and feelings no one will ever be able to help you.

@RayaHope I agree with a lot of what you wrote.

He knows how I feel. We both care about each other’s happiness. He IS being somewhat controlling, but he’s just trying to feel happy again, I have to let him do it, even if it’s not the best idea. If I push what I want at this point, then I’ll be trying to control him. If what I think is best doesn’t work out, that whole burden would be on me and he will be the one feeling defeated. Or, worse he might blame me. He is the breadwinner right now. He is the one who has to go in to work every day. Well, he feels he has to; I wish he didn’t.

Compromise can get old when it needs to happen a lot. It means no one is really getting what they really want. The first 20 years together we were very aligned with what we wanted and nothing felt like big compromises. Not building the house I mentioned was a second fork in the road driving us down the wrong path. It might seem like just a material thing, but it has to do with one of the things that brings him a lot of happiness, which is his car hobby. It would be similar to me not being able to dance. I want the bigger house (not much bigger) and huge garage too. We actually are aligned on the desire for that.

Setting goals together is part of how marriages stick together. It’s not only goals as a couple, it’s individual goals that each person helps support for the other.

@JLeslie One thing that has helped me was listening to one of those motivational speakers on YouTube. There are a lot of them but some of the stuff they say really starts to sink in and makes so much sense. It helps you kinda rethink things in a new way and that can be very liberating.

@RayaHope I try to reframe how I look at things.

I said above that Charlotte is a great town. When I’m there I do my best to be at home. I already found a folk dancing group, so I danced, and I really like the apartment where we are for now.

I see spouses who are unhappy with moves who purposely sabotage liking the new place. I always say you can enjoy a city and still prefer another one.

“It has to do with my husband taking a new job and buying a new house in a new city. My stress is multifold. Partly, I think we might be buying just before prices are going to drop, and it’s mixed with some disappointment and anger at his choice to take the job, “while trying to seem happy and supportive for him.”
Well IF he decided for the both of you then HE takes the blame if things don’t work out.

On the other hand perhaps he knows how you are stressed thus he made the quick decision beforehand to alleviate the uncertainty.
Basically he took charge, as most husbands do under stress.
My Ex did that in our 11 year marriage taking CONTROL of everything including my my earnings of which he squandered. I divorced him 11 years later .
He was irresponsible in the marriage and not surprising after as well.
Maybe when things settle down then confront him with understanding that perhaps he was under pressure to take the new job etc and didn’t tell you to stress you out more.

^^I was kept abreast of things pretty much all along. He did accept the NC job sort of on the spot, meaning as soon as they presented the offer, but I knew an offer might be coming and I hadn’t said no I don’t want to go. I probably should have shown more excitement about the Florida job (he already had that offer in hand) and maybe he would have just accepted it, but he wasn’t thrilled with the offer, even though he really like the people there.

The house we are deciding together, but it’s definitely me going along rather than really being happy and in it.

He has been a great husband overall. We’ve been married almost 30 years. When I was young, adults would say “we grew apart” and I didn’t understand it, but I do understand better now. I wouldn’t say we are apart, but what I would say is I feel more desperate to have fun and do what I want to do.

We BOTH still want a lot of the same things.

Years ago I used to say one of the hardest things for a couple to overcome is wanting to live in different cities. I probably said it on fluther years ago. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I don’t want to live around anymore. Luckily, we have the money to live in two places, plus it’s very normal among our friends, but what’s frustrating is it’s such a big outlay of money with home prices now.

As I feel closer to retirement I want to squirrel my money away more than ever. My husband feels like he wants to make as much money as possible the next five years for retirement.

@JLeslie
If he was presented with an offer still he should had phoned or talked with you before accepting.
Maybe a good saleman persuaded him to sign right away?
It happens.