Are folks in AA supposed to make amends to people who have requested no future contact?

This seems to cover it: ” Should I Try to Make Amends with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Hear from Me?
No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends.

It’s important to note that making amends is for the person we hurt. Yes, we partake in the process to “clean up our side of the street,” but we do not make amends to clear our conscience or undo our feelings of guilt. If someone does not want to hear from us, we respect that and do our best to move forward with our recoveries.

From this: https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/making-amends-addiction-recovery

So I am guessing that no, they shouldn’t.

I am sorry you are having to go through this.

(It’s great to see you here @wildpotato)!

@canidmajor Great info, thank you! And thanks for your support.

@janbb Aw, I appreciate that. It’s nice to see you, too :)

I feel that they must have known this rule (the one that @canidmajor posted) about contacting people from the time they were alcoholic (as it is a very important rule; who would want to see them get re-traumatised?).
So I think they are an ass to have contacted you.
Feels egoistic, and for sure shows a lack of empathy.

What @canidmajor said! If it were me, I’d ignore that email and not even contact him in any way.

IMO, no.

Any recovering alcoholic should be working with a sponsor, and a sponsor would say,“No”.

Step Nine: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”. Injuring them or others means no contact if the party has said never contact them.

It is one of the few things most AAs would agree on. Your amends process must never make things worse.

If your ex were really interested in making amends, he should give you money through an intermediary. No cards, just money. The amount should be significant, and should arrive consistently and on time. If there’s a restraining order still in place, he should go through an attorney.

If after a period of time, your feelings about the matter change, you could consider contacting him, but that would be entirely up to you.

No future contact means no future contact. Both your ex and whatever rehab programme he is on should respect your clearly stated wish.

No, but possibly he has true regret about what he did to you and wanted to apologize. Still, regarding an ex I just can’t see it being ok. There is no need to repair a relationship with an ex.

I hope he doesn’t try to contact you again. If he has respected not trying to contact you for years, then it does sound like he has done as you asked. I’m not excusing what he did, but hopefully that was a one time attempt to reach out, and it won’t happen again.

I’m really sorry you went through that. Some people don’t realize how traumatic just seeing someone’s name on an email or piece of regular mail, let alone hearing their voice on the phone call can be very triggering.

It happens but generally no. My guess is he underestimates the damage he did, as he was not sober for it. Or he’s truly sorry and hoping to help you both heal.
Best of luck as you decide what’s healthy for yourself.

In my case it was with a relative ( sibling) who traumatized the whole family for many years as we were growing up.
Late in her senior years she finally got expert help which sounds like the scenario that you received in that she wrote letters, tried calling ,got others involved ( again) to badger me into talking with her again. After that didn’t materialize fast enough for her , she harassessed me on all Social platforms publicly denigrating me of which I spoke to each Administrator for each site and had her removed, banned etc
More trauma followed as she was unrelenting in HER desire to supposedly make amends.
When her letters were returned and refused then her worst behaviour came out.
Not really apologetic ,understanding or why myself and others that she attacked refused to communicate with her…she Never reached emotional maturity, so thus it was safe for me to let the chips fall where they may.
Peace at last, so far.
Bottom line : she wasn’t sincere and was merely trying to score points with her cousellor or something.

@Inspired_2write It seems to me she hadn’t learned much of anything if she was badgering you like that, and if a counselor was encouraging that behavior that just reinforces my prior statements that there are bad therapists. Wow, sorry you had to deal with that.

At the same time, reaching out once to sincerely apologize and say I’m available if you want to try a relationship again, seems ok to me. One time. This isn’t your situation, but could be the case in others. Otherwise, if no one ever makes a move, and both want to repair the relationship, then it never happens. I’ve seen this in my husband’s family. They’re both telling me they don’t want to be totally estranged and they both don’t make a move. That’s just as crazy. They don’t talk for YEARS when they both want to repair things.

In the case of the OP, like I said, an ex is something else. That’s not a relationship that needs to continue even if the person was a good person, but the marriage just didn’t work out. Family might be different.

@JLeslie ”...Family might be different.”

Family is not different if one is working a 12 step recovery program and you have been told no contact. Part of recovery is coming to terms with with the fact one’s behavior has harmed someone to the point you cannot repair the relationship. A good sponsor will work with one on alternative ways to make amends without violating the other person’s boundaries.

@Inspired_2write I am sorry you had to endure someone hounding you like that, but it certainly was not someone working a 12 step recovery program. People working a ninth step know that the reconnection cannot be forced.

@Inspired_2write Did you mind the first attempt by your sister after years of no contact?

@zenvelo I wouldn’t do it. If someone told me to never approach them again I wouldn’t. Because I know people who have cut off and in my experience they aren’t open to reuniting unless they do the reaching out.

At the same time I can understand trying after many years, especially with family. Meaning I can understand the POV of someone who feels they have changed and they want to apologize and see if there is any possibility for healing.

If someone obeys the no contact for 20 years, I can’t say they completely ignored the no contact. Reaching out once in 20 years, put it in perspective. Although, I can understand if the person was very abusive it doesn’t matter if they reformed, I completely understand that too.

@JLeslie
@zenvelo
Thanks for your encouragements.
I have moved on and so had the rest of my family members as well.
I live in peace and that is one reason that I moved away from family in 1994.

I wonder what it means when their behavior after they quit drinking is just as toxic as when they were drinking?

^^Stunted.

They say maturing stops when someone becomes an addict. I’m sure there are exceptions, and people can grow when they quit. Mostly, it’s a commentary on people who become addicts at a young age, before 25, they never move through the normal stages of adolescence, which is a time of a lot of turmoil.

Or, they might be Dual Diagnosis. That’s not uncommon to have another psychological diagnosis, and the alcohol was a way the person was self medicating.

@JLeslie It isn’t stunted, it is delayed. Addicts/alcoholics have their emotional growth stopped at the time they start using, but it starts to mature again when they get clean and sober.

I drank from the time I was 12 until I was 30, so much of my emotional behavior/growth in my thirties was not unlike a teenager. Explains why I was in therapy regarding learning to set boundaries when I was in my late 40s.

@Dutchess_III If their behavior is “just as toxic” it means they are on what is called a “dry drunk”. That is why recovery never ends and people with many years of sobriety continue to work a program.

@zenvelo That is a better word, delayed, thanks for that.

Thanks, guys – especially @zenvelo. I really appreciate the info!

Ugh…I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Making amends isn’t about disrespecting boundaries.

Sending hugs and clear horizons.