If your grandchild told you something in confidence, under what circumstances would you tell the parents. Read details?

These are dangerous questions, with no perfect answers.
In jeopardy is the child’s relationship with her parents, the parent’s relationship with the grandparent, the grandparents relationship with the granddaughter, legal exposure, and other hazards.
My approach, historically, is fraught with danger. Have the granddaughter tell her parents. If they kick her out, you are the safety net, but be prepared to take care of a sexually active teen, and damage her parents relationship with her, and you.

If its about something very serious like pregnancy then I would tell parents. Something less important or not as life changing then I wouldnt tell it

Thinking about it more myself, if it was something important that I thought the parents should know and the kid was afraid to tell, I would offer to go with them to tell their parents.

I think going with the kid to tell the parents is the best way. You would have to reassure the kid that you would never let their parents do anything bad (like physical punishment) and if by chance they were banished from the household, you would be willing and able to take them in. If you hid the “thing” from the parents (your child), you’d be vilified if and when they found out, and it’s a tough spot for you because you’re in the middle either way. Supporting the grandchild to inform the parents is really the only way that has a good outcome for all.

If their safety was in jeopardy with someone or something outside the family.

The Problem is what if it’s in regards to the parents behaviour ( abuse etc)

Then I would contact proper authorities to get that child to a safe place, mine or others.

@janbb This statement is not directed at you.

I hope that I’ve raised children who will create families in which very serious secrets aren’t necessary. I hope my children will love their own children in such a way those children know they can go to their parents in times of great distress to receive loving, appropriate help.

I like the idea mentioned to accompany the grandchild when they tell their parents.

This is a subject I believe I have some experience with. I had to keep a dire secret for decades, and it literally almost killed me. In the end when I came out as gay to my parents, they disowned me.

I am grateful that I can say I love my own children unconditionally. They often come to me for advice about serious matters.

The safest position is to be open and tell the parents. Nothing is more damaging to relationships than secrecy.

@flutherother But you could be jeopardizing the trust your grandchild has in you if you tell behind their back. I guess as I said above, suggesting that they tell the parents themselves and offering to go with them if they were worried, would be the best thing to do. And if they still resisted and you felt you had to tell, I think you would have to level with your grandchild and tell them you were going to do so.

@janbb I would always hope my grandchildren could trust me but I would like them to be aware that I couldn’t hold any secrets from their parents. I might possibly side with a grandchild against the parents but I would be very uncomfortable trying to keep a secret from them. I would feel I was usurping the parent’s role and confusing the child.

I understand what you are saying and I basically agree. I just think you have to be upfront with the child too as to what action you are taking.

I think that I can speak from the other side of this question. Although I was scared to death to tell anyone about my situation and didn’t for a long time, I did finally say something to my grams and I think she didn’t say anything right away. She did try to observe my home life a little closer for a while and one day she must have said something to my parents. Even though I was afraid that I could be punished more I think that I was finally in a place where I didn’t think I mattered anymore and whatever happened to me I was willing to give up and die if needed. My grams did step in and things began to change for the better, but it was a long road to recovery.

@RayaHope Interesting input. Thanks.

My grandchildren know I don’t keep secrets, so they wouldn’t expect it. However, they also know support them in speaking to their parents.

Personally, I hate secrets. But sometimes it’s necessary. I would look at the situation. Does the secret put the child in danger. If no. No big deal. An example would be them sneaking out at night or hanging out with the wrong crowd, or suicidal thoughts, committing crimes like hurting an animal or physically hurting themselves or dating an older person, or hanging with an older person who you feel may have a bad influence on them or doing drugs. Then there is the next level. Apathy, failing in school, acting out which can tend to happen when hormones are raging but can also be an indication of something going wrong at school or home. That one you may want to consult with the parents if you know for certain they are not the problem. And all the others I mentioned above. But if the parent’s are the issue then you may want to keep a close watch and be prepared to advicate for the child. If its silly I want to be independent but my parents are too strict then you can usually ignore those and maybe talk to the parents about giving them a bit more freedom if its called for.

My siblings use to talk up for my kids when I would be a bit strict when they were 16. So I slowly let go of the reigns. It takes a village to raise a child. They need confidants when the parents are the issue. I talk up for my nephew and eventually got him to open up more to his folks. He would tell me what’s bothering him and then I would talk to his parents in a roundabout way to make them understand how a child may perceive what they said or did. Of course they didn’t know I spoke to him first.
He is doing so much better and has slowly found his voice.
My point is not everything has to be revealed and sometimes you can work around a secret. Some you cannot. If my nephew told me he wished to die, I wouldn’t waste a second and tell his parents. Sometimes it’s good to have someone like that to talk to. Think of how many suicidal cases could’ve been prevented if a child has someone to confide in.
Often they don’t feel the same pressure from grandparents or aunties or uncles to be perfect. And often it’s not even the parent’s fault. It’s just a perception they get from parents because we are the bosses of the home. Parents’ desire to raise their children well can leave kids feeling like they are expected to be perfect. So they will not confide in them about their flaws.

It is a tough one. Even as a parent, you want to have open lines of communication with your kids. But you have to be willing to hear everything, whether you really want to or not.

But all people are different. You know your kids (or think you do) and how they would react. You know how they interact with their kids. Only you can decide if your kids can handle the information you are getting. But remember, if it comes up between kids and grandkids and the grandkids throw out something like “Well, I told grandma and she didn’t seem to have a problem with it!” you are suddenly in the middle of it whether you want to be or not. AND your kids now have the issue with you that you knew something potentially detrimental to their kids and didn’t tell them.

It depends on the situation.

I think in most situations, assuming the parents are reasonable, the best course of action is to help the child tell their parents and reassure the child they won’t be in trouble. Help could be encouraging the child to tell on their own, or I might offer to accompany them.

Children are often afraid of their parents getting angry or the kid is afraid of getting punished, when there is no need to be. I might even tell the parents ahead of time if the child is very young.

If I thought the grandchild was in danger I would tell.

Then, there are parents who will be horrible about some things, and as a grandparent I would weigh heavily what to do. If the parents are strict religious fanatics who will ostracize or be verbally abusive and my grandchild was gay for example, I think I would keep the secret. I might try to feel out how the parents would respond, but I would protect the confidentiality with the child.

I don’t think most children really expect a grandparent to keep a secret from the parents. I wonder.

It’s very complicated in some instances. In my own family my aunt was a confidant for my sister, and my sister went to live with her for two years. My dad is still angry about being left out of the know with some things. I won’t go into detail, but I will tell you it can get very complicated. My sister estranged herself from my dad in adulthood. He blames my aunt for some of the tensions in the family.

I agree with @Inspired_2write in that I would not keep any secrets unless the parents were abusive to my grandchild.

I came back to this question a few times. It is a hypothetical… but I can’t in my
wildest dreams imagine any any family throwing a vulnerable girl out of the
house! I can’t even imagine a world where this would happen. You say I’m naive,
privileged, spoiled? Thank god for that.

^ Sadly, parents tossing a child out of the house due to pregnancy, their sexuality, gender identity, and other issues is not that uncommon.

My wife’s cousin tossed his sixteen year old daughter out of the house because she was going through a goth phase (black clothes, fingernails, etc.). This was after trying to physically beat “the devil” out of her.

She has been on her own ever since.

I think it’s awful when parents toss their kids out due to behavior, clothing, etc. It forces the kid to survive “on the street” and puts them at the mercy of predators, etc.

For the life of me I can’t understand it. Throwing your kid out to the wolves?

Especially, if they are well behaved and just made a mistake or dress a certain way? That makes no sense.

I always thought if my teenage daughter got pregnant and she wanted to keep the baby I would help take care of the baby so my daughter could finish school. I’d want my daughter to still have a chance to pursue her interests and dreams even though she would obviously have a new set of responsibilities with the baby.

I had one friend who got pregnant at 17, very Catholic family, and she kept the baby. Her parents did just that, they helped care for the baby and my friend went through high school and college, she earned a nursing degree (BS) and works at Johns Hopkins. What would have been the point of throwing her out? Or, the point of making her give up everything to what? Live with the consequences of her actions?

You don’t understand some parents want TOTAL control of their kids, when growing up in high school I never knew who would be having dinner with us a stay for a week or three months. My mom would “adopt” kids that had their parents turn their back to them.

In high school there was one girl that would come with bruises and black eyes, I convinced to to talk to the guidance counselor, a two weeks later she came up to me and gave me a big hug in homeroom and called me her “Buddha”, she was placed in a foster home. Her dad came home drunk and would beat her.

^^Jesus. I cant even imagine it.

@cookieman @Tropical_Willie These are horrible stories I am sadden to read this and I can only hope they are okay now. This has got to stop no parent should ever harm their child. I know what they went through and it has to end. I wish I could help all kids that are abused :(

Ooooh this is hard.
Apparently my 7 year old had a melt toward the end of the school day. They called mom and dad to come get him.
I was over there and quietly asked him what happened before he had his melt down. We were alone outside, and he didn’t want to tell me thinking I’d tell Mom.
I wanted to assure him I wouldn’t tell Mom but I just bit my tongue.
We don’t keep secrets from our parents.

I don’t know if there’s a right answer to this because there are too many variables. It’s pretty easy to go sideways whichever way you cut it. :/

I’m done a number of different approaches for different situations. We’ve talked and practiced how to tell them. I’ve offered to go with them to tell their parents. I’ve let them create a timeline of when they would tell them. And I’ve nudged the other end. Saying that it’s not mine to share. But that they should go talk to their kid.

If this isn’t a hypothetical problem, good luck!

@raum Just hypothetical. Thinking ahead because I have a teenaged grandson now.

Good luck with that too! Need all the luck you can get to get through teenage years. :P