Should I voice my feelings or wait it out?

It is not uncommon for married men to say they have two kids but forgets to mention the wife. Unless he has let you speak to the kids I would be very weary. It could be he’s in a rush to get laid and that’s it. I would also call him. I mean people can get busy. But I would push for a conversation. Put it plainly to him. Tell him at this time you are not looking for just sex but a genuine relationship and sex may or may not be in cards depending how you both feel the relationship is going. Also. So what, sex is a big stress releaser for him! How is that your problem to fix?
At 36 years of age that is what he of someone, he’s dating. Oh, I need to dump a load because my life is so stressful. Well, he can look at some porn and use his hand.
This doesn’t sound to me like someone is mature enough or ready for a real relationship. He just wants and needs to get his rocks off. It already shows he wouldn’t be a great lover since is number one concern is his needs first.
I would move on. You are 28 and that’s not ancient.

Don’t play games…seem standoffish or any other put on attitudes. Be you. And don’t worry about being a bother or annoying. You are part of this relationship and are completely entitled to be you. If calling him or talking to him and voicing your feelings is a bother, he is the wrong guy. He has voiced the question of “where is this going?” so the doorway is open.

First off, for you, is to figure out what you are looking for in this relationship. Are you looking to go out and have fun? Are you looking for marriage eventually? How do YOU feel about this guy? Is he one that might help you meet your goals?

That should set your mind into a path. If this is just for fun then tell him. Go out with him, enjoy your time out, have sex with him, whatever you like. If it is potentially something more serious, then you need to start acting like that. And if you are looking for something more serious and he is looking for fun only, you two are likely not going to hit it off.

As for him wanting sex…of course he does. He’s a guy. Even guys that say they can wait want sex…they are just a little more in control of it. But if all this guy wants is sex then the ball is in your court. You could keep him as a booty call or you could cut bait and look elsewhere for what you want. But it all comes down to figuring out what you are looking for.

@seawulf575 Really good advice. You’re 28. Don’t play games. Just be honest and demand honesty from him.

He is distancing himself because his wife is suspicious.

Get. Out. Now.

Wait for the right man to appear in your life, as why take on a man who has responsibilities of children from a previous marriage at your young age.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment and possibly the replacement mother of those children and all the problems that come with that too.

I know that some if not all men play games of charming and calling alot until you call them and are ‘hooked”.
I suggest stop calling him, as its a game that this one probably has several women on a string such as you are now.

Realize that this is his method to catch many women calling him to look like he is a good catch.

At your young age you are not doing yourself justice with this type of man, you could be travelling the world, experienceing life rather than becomming saddled with someone else’s problems.

He is going after his lost youth by going out with a much younger woman.
Not your problem, but he is making it yours.
Wake up and smell the coffee.

Live YOUR life ( free) as it should be before settling down especially with one who didn’t do so well in his marriage.

Make plans for yourself,have goals ( other than being someones pet.

BTW I know this becase I experienced somewhat the same from a 65 year old man who played such games as well, but I did NOT play into his games.

He was looking for some rich women to live off of…
Clue…He asked me one day “Are your rich?” I said NO and guess what he went after others whom he thought were rich.

Ask yourself WHY this man isn’t looking for a women that has kids from previous marriage, and is in simular age category whom had experience in raising children and thus has something compatible with him in that way….NOT a single YOUNG women in her prime to be saddled with heavy resposibilities on top of catering to HIS selfish needs.

One has to ask yourself as to why is that?

Answer all he wants an easy ride to control a much younger women.

To answer your question , another alternative is too delete his phone number and have higher expectations and goals than latching onto a loser.

Realize taht YOU are a catch for him and thus many other more worthy men will see you that way as well.

Stuffing it all up in a bottle doesn’t help; trust me I know. Voice your feeling.

You have to ask to help yourself. Voice your concerns. I can’t assume he is married or in a relationship, but it smells of such.
Do what you need to for yourself. If it is meant to be then this will either start it in a more balanced direction or end it.
Do not wait it out and let another moment be waisted because you are afraid to voice your feelings or concern.
Please let us know how it goes.

Where are the dates? Meeting his kids? Perhaps a romantic weekend getaway?
You may as well tell him how you feel, sounds like he’s already lost interest tbh.

Just run it up the flagpole and see who salutes. As my Old Pappy always said.

Avoid Men Like This. FYI…when I was 25, I was a bartender & I had a customer come in every night telling me that his wife had died & how hard it was to raise a 2 y/o all by himself. I admired him for being a good dad. We became buddies & he asked for my phone number. I gave it to him & about a year later my phone rings & I hear “WTF are you??? I responded “I could ask you the same thing since you chose to call me.” She responds “I found your phone number in my husband’s wallet.” I ask “Since you have the advantage here, what is your husband’s name?” She gave me his name & I was shocked because it was my buddy. I responded “You must be mistaken, you died during child birth & he’s a single father of a precious little boy.” She cursed me out & hung up. I never heard from him again!!!

I always insisted on going to the guy’s house on the first date in order to see IF it was a bachelor pad or looked like it had a woman’s touch.

We had a conversation about “where is thos going” (he brought it up) because he typically has sex by now. I think he told you what you need to know there. He’s NOT asking IF you’re thinking of getting serious. He’s asking WHEN are you going to have SEX with him!!! Whether or not he’s married, he’s ONLY looking to get LAID!!!

@LadyMarissa “he’s ONLY looking to get LAID!!!”

He could also be sussing out whether @sarbear94 is weird about sex. Some women have really weird ideas about chastity and such. Some guys aren’t interested in dating for 2 years before being intimate. He could be only looking to get laid of course, or maybe having a good compatibility in the bedroom is an important requirement for him. Some women aren’t good in bed (as are many men), that’s just a fact. Sexual compatibility is part of understanding if a relationship has a future or not.

Once I was interested in a relationship with a girl, but after we had sex I realized she was not a woman I wanted to be in a relationship with. I could have told her that she was awful in the sack, but instead I made her think I was a shithead who used her for a one-night stand. I figured that was kinder to her than being honest: “I wanted a relationship with you, but you were so lousy in bed that I changed my mind. Goodbye.”

@gorillapaws Yes, you did her a HUGE favor!!! NOT because you LIED to her, but because you couldn’t love her enough to have a decent relationship with her. My husband had ED on the day we got married. There is sooo MUCH MORE to loving someone than having sex!!! IF you’re unable to wait 2 years to have sex, you do NOT respect her because you see YOUR need more important than HER needs!!! Would you really want your daughter bedding her partner just because HE didn’t feel like waiting…OR…he wanted to see IF she was any good in bed BEFORE developing a respectful relationship???

@LadyMarissa “Yes, you did her a HUGE favor!!! NOT because you LIED to her, but because you couldn’t love her enough to have a decent relationship with her.”

I didn’t love her. I was attracted to her and honestly thought there was a possibility of a real relationship in the future.

@LadyMarissa “There is sooo MUCH MORE to loving someone than having sex!!!”

I completely agree. 100%. Sex is ALSO important though. Intimacy is part of a healthy relationship.

@LadyMarissa “IF you’re unable to wait 2 years to have sex, you do NOT respect her because you see YOUR need more important than HER needs!!!”

I don’t understand this. There are plenty of women I respect but wouldn’t be willing to wait 24 months of celibacy on the chance that we might be compatible in bed.

@LadyMarissa “Would you really want your daughter bedding her partner just because HE didn’t feel like waiting…?”

Nobody should ever have sex with anyone they don’t want to or before they’re ready. Full Stop. Likewise nobody should be obligated to wait some arbitrary amount of time or be thought of as a bad person. Some people aren’t willing to wait 24 months, and that’s perfectly fine, they clearly shouldn’t date other people who expect that. Neither person is bad or disrespectful to the other, they just have different perspectives on things. It’s not meant to be.for them, a bad match. It doesn’t mean the guy doesn’t respect her or isn’t a good person or only wants her for sex.

@LadyMarissa ”...OR…he wanted to see IF she was any good in bed BEFORE developing a respectful relationship???”

People can begin a respectful relationship, have sex and then realize that they’re not a good match.

One last Q…say she had actually been GREAT in bed & you decided she was worthy of your time…then she had a medical problem where she could NO longer satisfy your needs. Would you stay with her or LIE again to keep from hurting her feelings in order to get out of the situation???

@LadyMarissa That’s a really tough call and would depend on a lot of factors. Let’s say you started dating a guy and had a handful of really awesome dates and thought “maybe he’s the one?” and then he gets hit by a bus and is paralyzed from the neck down. Are you obligated to then marry him and spend your life caring for him? Would you be a horrible person for walking away? Who can say?

I think we’re drifting off topic. The main point is I don’t think we can assume the guy is ONLY about sex. It’s been a month, and it’s natural for him to be wondering if sex is in the cards or not. He could be a pervert, creep, or a normal guy weary of dating some woman with weird ideas about what’s expected of him before being intimate. I don’t think there’s enough info to come to firm conclusions to be honest.

^^^ This has been fascinating to read and lots of great points were made. WOW my head is spinning but a washed with so much insight. The both of you…I am in awe..

@gorillapaws
I find exception to your views that a women is good in bed or not.
If not, then take the time to teach her…some are virgins , so thatke that into consideration before dumping her.
And frankly actually would a man want an experienced women ( think of all those men she was with before you..smacks of prostitution , and to be wary of those problems).

@Inspired_2write “I find exception to your views that a women is good in bed or not.”

That’s fair. You’re welcome to your opinion. Some people are into different things, some may want you to choke or demean them, some may think that simply allowing you to penetrate them is sufficient and that no other interaction is required (and I’m sure a lot of men are into that). There are plenty of ways that people may not “click” in the bedroom. If a woman wants me to smack her around in the bedroom for example, that’s not something I’m going to be into. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who would be into that though. So we simply wouldn’t be compatible sexually. We would both be happier if we found partners that were a better fit for us.

My point is that it’s ok for people to not be compatible and that we don’t need to make judgments. I was wrong to say “bad in the sack” and should have said a mismatch with what I was looking for in a sexual partner (or “bad for me in the sack”).

As for the prostitution thing, I think that’s just a shitty thing to say. Women can be experienced In bed without being a literal prostitute. And even if she is or used to be a prostitute, does that make her unworthy of love?

@gorillapaws
Mismatch sounds much less judgemental, I agree.

Intimacy is part of a healthy relationship. YES it is…still you do NOT “have to” have sex in order to be intimate!!! A caring hug, a sincere snuggle, a passionate kiss may well breed the “intimacy of a healthy relationship”!!! Just having sex does NOT necessarily breed “intimacy of a healthy relationship”!!! I lived that one, I can promise you that there is MORE than one way to be intimate & we definitely had a “healthy relationship”!!!

Let’s say you started dating a guy and had a handful of really awesome dates and thought “maybe he’s the one?” and then he gets hit by a bus and is paralyzed from the neck down. Are you obligated to then marry him and spend your life caring for him? Would you be a horrible person for walking away?

I can say!!! NO, I would NOT feel “obligated” to marry him; however, IF I felt he was my Mr Right & he did ask, I WOULD marry him & NOT feel “obligated” to take care of him, but would DO IT FROM MY HEART!!! I definitely would NOT just leave him because some people saw him as damaged goods!!! Relationships should NOT stop just because something happens to one (or both) of them. That should be when a relationship GROWS…I see that as part of the “intimacy of a healthy relationship!!!

Virginity should be one of those things that is CHERISHED…NOT conquered!!! The female is offering one of her most prized possessions & it should NOT be taken lightly. Once given to another, she’ll NEVER have it again. IF the male does NOT make her feel safe or loved enough to offer it, she should WAIT because in her heart she knows it’s NOT the “right time”!!! IF it takes her 2 years to feel that level of comfort, then it’s on HIM to make the relationship more comfortable!!! At the same time, he should NOT lie to her about his feelings just to have sex. He should be HONEST about his intentions so she knows EXACTLY where the relationship stands!!! DON’T tease with “where is this relationship going” when deep down you’re thinking “I’m tired of waiting”!!! And for God’s sake, do NOT say “I love you” when you don’t mean it & just hope she will finally give in!!!

HONESTY is the real key to any intimate relationship!!!

@LadyMarissa
Well stated.
I also add the many longterm marriages started with a lasting friendship stage first and stuck.
As for gorilla paws arguement that incompatibility issues could be ironed out by simply ASKING what they prefer and base ones choice on that.

@LadyMarissa “Intimacy is part of a healthy relationship. YES it is…still you do NOT “have to” have sex in order to be intimate!!!”

Of course. People find intimacy in many ways. For some people sexual intimacy is an important requirement FOR THEM. There’s nothing wrong with that either. If couples are happy being intimate with snuggles and hugs that’s great, but if person A is happy with snuggles and person B requires sexual intimacy, I think that’s going to lead to a lot of problems in the relationship. In that instance I would say the two people are a bad match even if they’re a good match in other aspects. Maybe it’s worth it to them to find a way to make that work, and maybe it’s better if they find different parters who are better matches.

@LadyMarissa “Virginity should be one of those things that is CHERISHED…NOT conquered!!!”

If people want to believe this, they are more than welcome to do so. I think it’s an antiquated mindset based on controlling the bodies of women and “slut shaming” them. Adult women (and men) should feel comfortable exploring their sexuality in safe and healthy ways as they see fit without judgement of society shaming them for being unchaste or somehow “tainted.”

@LadyMarissa “The female is offering one of her most prized possessions”

I just think this mentality is weird. If the worth of a woman is defined by her hymen, a tiny membrane of skin, that’s pretty demeaning, no? I think her worth has a lot more to do with what’s between her ears.

But if a woman feels that way about her virginity, and wants to make some guy wait 24 months (or 120 months) before having sex, and she finds a man who values that, then all the best to them. I knew of a girl who was very protective of her hymen due to her religious beliefs, but she was otherwise sexually promiscuous and engaged in a lot of anal sex with many men. If that made her happy, then good for her.

@LadyMarissa “HONESTY is the real key to any intimate relationship!!!”

Very true. I think people should be open and honest with each other when it comes to an intimate relationship.

“HONESTY is the real key to any intimate relationship!!!” YES it is @LadyMarissa you never fail to amaze me with your wisdom!

I think her worth has a lot more to do with what’s between her ears. It should, but you already proved that it doesn’t when you left your girl who was lousy in bed because you didn’t want to WASTE your time developing a relationship by getting to know her better!!!

What I heard was “I wanted a relationship” UNTIL I talked her into bed. Once I had sex with her, I lost ALL interest in having a relationship so I ghosted her!!! That takes me back to my original comment that the OP’s guy ONLY wants to get LAID!!! You said yourself that you are NOT willing to work at a relationship where there will be NO sex…aka needs to get LAID or I’m OUT OF HERE!!! Young ladies should understand that their WORTH is more than what’s between their legs, so “out of here is an acceptable option!!! Her worth is NOT dependent on what a horny guy thinks!!!

I don’t care how antiquated you find my ideas, that is the direction this country is heading whether I like it or NOT…so this is my thought process when talking to young ladies who DESERVE MORE RESPECT than they are being shown!!! I think that they should develop the mindset that “sex or I’m gone” attitude should be responded with a “bye, bye”.

What would you have done, had your ghosted lady come back 2 months later saying “Guess who’s pregnant?” My guess is that Casper the Ghost would be more visible!!!

@LadyMarissa “What I heard was “I wanted a relationship” UNTIL I talked her into bed.”

For the record, she got me into bed not the other way around. So let’s stop making assumptions and judgements about other people and their motivations.

@LadyMarissa “What would you have done, had your ghosted lady come back 2 months later saying “Guess who’s pregnant?” My guess is that Casper the Ghost would be more visible!!!”

That’s a crazy statement to make about someone you don’t know. You’re basically accusing me of being a hypothetical deadbeat dad?

OMG, I stopped playing this silly game when I was 23!!! I asked a simple Q & you won’t answer it. Instead, you want to deflect by becoming indignant!!!

Maybe this one will be easier to answer. Did she get you into bed before or after you told her that you wanted a relationship but was NOT going to wait 2 years for her to give it to you??? Did you take into account that she wasn’t ready to have sex & she was extremely nervous about what was about to happen when you determined that she was a waste of your time when you decided to dump her because she was lousy in bed???

@LadyMarissa “OMG, I stopped playing this silly game when I was 23!!! I asked a simple Q & you won’t answer it. Instead, you want to deflect by becoming indignant!!!”

Insinuating that Gorillapaws in an alternate universe where the BC pill failed and the condom broke and the woman happened to be ovulating and decided to keep the pregnancy would have been a deadbeat is not “just asking a question.” It’s making a judgement on my character with no evidence to support it whatsoever.

@LadyMarissa “Did she get you into bed before or after you told her that you wanted a relationship but was NOT going to wait 2 years for her to give it to you??? Did you take into account that she wasn’t ready to have sex…”

WTF? We had been friendly for a few weeks with mutual flirtation. She got me drunk and initiated things. We were a mismatch in the bedroom. Sorry I’m not going to elaborate on the details of sexual encounters I’ve had beyond that. I’m not saying I was unwilling or claiming to be a victim, but she was not some virgin that was deceived into sex and then discarded.

I’m not sure if this is news to you, but women have sexual agency. They’re allowed to initiate sex because they want to get laid and not look for Mr. Right if that’s what they want to do. It seems like you’ve got this dynamic in your head that sex involves a horny guy and a reluctant female that has to be convinced to spread her legs. And as a corollary, she should only do so with the promise of a long-term commitment (anything else means she’s a dirty, nasty slut? victim? idiot?). I can assure you that this is not the case for everyone.

Birth control gave women sexual autonomy and equality. It allows them to decide who they want to sleep with for whatever reasons they want. This chastity stuff is a holdover from pre-birth control days. Having sex had a much higher chance of pregnancy and giving birth had a much higher chance of killing the mother. Sex was literally a life and death decision. Men didn’t have DNA tests to establish paternity and so monogamy and chastity were deeply held virtues in many patriarchal cultures as a result.

If you want to cling to those values, then by all means, live your life how you want. I for one am not going to think any worse of a woman who doesn’t have a hymen than one who does. It’s none of my business who she wants to have sex with (or not) and her reasons for doing so.

I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt by a shitty guy who lied to you. I’m not that guy, and this one particular situation that happened in my life occurred under very different circumstances. I think you’re making a lot of assumptions about who said what to whom. Likewise, this guy in the OP may be trying to use her for sex, but maybe he’s just trying to have an honest conversation about sexuality. I think that’s healthy. We don’t have enough context to say one way or the other.

I never felt my virginity was precious.