Can you use the word Microaggression on a more person level?

I can imagine it happening at an even younger age. One child like to build a tower out of block. the second child walks over and kicks the tower down. From that day forward the first child now worries about the second one repeating the act. Every time the second one walks by the first will wince.

It is certainly verbal abuse but the term “microagression” is specifically used to describe individual expressions of racism or bigotry so those wouldn’t really qualify as that. If someone were to refer to you as a “stingy Jew” to give one example, that would be a form of microaggression.

To me, microaggression is more subtle than verbal abuse. Like the ‘person’ who mansplains consistently, corrects you consistently, or even questions your every move or statement to the point you feel it’s demeaning or making you uncomfortable.

What you describe is not something I would think of as “microaggression” so much as emotional abuse. If done by a parent to a child, it is damaging and awful (my mother did that stuff), but if done by a domestic partner it is mean and disrespectful and should send up all sorts of red flags, and at the least should send them to couples therapy.

I think of the term “microaggression” much more in context with issues of race, sex, or socioeconomic status, like @janbb says.

What you are describing is more along the lines of passive-aggressive or simply mental/emotional abuse. This was done to me daily and worse. Microaggression would be much more subtle and almost hidden. Like you put something on the shelf and he comes behind you and straightens it or you pronounce a word a little“off” for his liking and he corrects you in front of others.

All of the examples given thus far in this thread read as more extreme than microaggressions, to me. A key example of microaggressions is referring to Black Americans as “well spoken” or “articulate”, hinting that Black folks don’t generally speak well. They are veiled compliments that signal to a population (but usually not others outside of that group) that they do not belong.

https://sph.umn.edu/site/docs/hewg/microaggressions.pdf

Is it possible for a partner to use microaggressions? Yes, but I don’t find them in the examples given here.

After some quick googling, I guess my interpretation was too narrow. Here is an article about microaggressions in relationships.

https://woctherapy.com/microaggressions-in-relationships/

@RayaHope I agree there is some passive-aggressiveness in the examples.

@Cupcake Thanks for the link about microaggression in marriages. It still seemed to be about ethnicity, religion, and race, so not really the examples I gave, so I guess what I listed aren’t following under microaggression.

This past Saturday a very politically liberal man I know was recommending going to see someone who was going to be giving a speech and called him articulate. I said to him, “can we say articulate now?” He didn’t know what I was talking about. A few of us told him the background to it, and one man in the group said we can’t say it about Black people but we can about white people. I wondered if that’s true?

That whole articulate thing, I understand why it bothers Black people, and I respect their feelings about it, but I think 90% of the time the white person saying it only means it as a compliment and not as some sort of surprise that a Black person can speak well, and the reason I say that is because white people compliment each other as being well spoken or articulate.

I wonder how many Black people before the Biden incident were offended when they were told they speak well or articulately?

I have no idea if the man he was talking about was white or Black. I just think if it’s not good to say to one group it’s probably better not said at all. The sad part is we can never compliment someone’s speaking voice I guess.

@JLeslie The “articulate” comment has been offensive to Black Americans for as long as I know. I agree that it is a compliment in many contexts, but given the lived experience of many that are treated as though they do not belong or are not welcome, it is offensive. We must take our lead from what they say. I would not be concerned about using the word to White people, but I try to generally avoid the word altogether.

I do disagree with 90% of the time it is meant as a compliment. We must consider our own implicit bias, which is greater than non-existent. While we may believe and perceive that our own motivation is pure, it likely is not. That does not make any one person “bad” or “mean”... our implicit bias is a result of systems that have been built to perpetuate White supremacy.

I am also sure that we can find other, more positively interpreted, ways to compliment exceptional speakers. I don’t believe that we can no longer compliment speakers. I frequently give talks and presentations, and always receive compliments.

@Cupcake I completely agree if we know it’s hurtful we should do our best not to do it. I like to check with the group themselves though, which in this case I understand it’s an overall feeling within the group that it is indeed offensive.

For example the term LatinX, from what I can gather most Latin Americans aren’t too fond of it nor do they use it. So, who is pushing it?

So I’m totally confused about what you are asking. At first it seemed you wanted to label your husband’s treatment of you, and somewhere you took a left at Albuquerque and now it’s about politics.

^^Oh, no, not my husband. If he was annoyed with me about not dressing nicely we would be divorced. I work from home in pajamas (I like to say loungewear) half the time. The other half I’m in zumba clothing. He does sometimes notice the one thing I didn’t clean up (that is annoying) but he always notices when I did clean up also.

I was just listing examples I hear from friends, a few were my own.

Wow. I’m disappointed. I’ve never in my wildest imagination thought that ‘articulate’ was a negative thing. It just hasn’t even occurred to me. I’ve always perceived it as high praise. Now I find out that I have to be careful when I use it, or better yet, not to use it at all. :(

…and the times, they are a-changin’...

@smudges It kind of sucks since it is a compliment. When it is something blatantly derogatory, like calling someone a slur, then it is easier.

It’s a microaggression when the unspoken part of the compliment is “for a black person”.

Given the same context, would you also compliment a white person for the same level of articulation?

@raum Yes, absolutely white people compliment white people for the same level of articulation. That’s the point. That is why for some people they are baffled it is a problem until it is explained to them why Black people are hurt by it. Plenty of white people talk about white politicians, work colleagues, special guests at conferences, who speak well, easy to understand, dress well, it really can be completely void of race by the person giving the compliment. I can see how sometimes it might not be though, depending on who is saying it.

Edit: Ever heard someone say, “I could listen to them talk all day.” That is similar, and it’s basically saying that person has a knack with language. White people don’t expect all white people to be great at speaking, some are more impressive than others, even in the same social class from the same region of the country. Some people stand out. People used to say it about Bill Clinton. Should he be offended because he is a Southerner? Because some people make fun of Southern accents?

“It’s a microaggression when…” is explaining that context matters.

If you would compliment a white person for the same level of articulation, then it’s not a microaggression.

@raum Yes, it is a microaggression, because of how the minority person perceives it and feels about it. The intention doesn’t usually matter with this sort of thing, it’s all about how it lands on the person.

I have mixed feelings about it. Some circumstances I feel people are being told to feel badly, other circumstance it is a long history of stereotypes that the group grows up with and it’s understandable why they react as they do.

I do think it is important for people to not just get quiet and feel like shit, I am so tired of that. If I say something that a Black person perceives as racist and they have known me for ten years, I hope they would just ask why I used that term or said what I did and not just flip on a dime and decide it was said with malice or stereotypes. In fact it is treating them as equals. That’s the irony.

I hope that we are moving more towards equity than equality.

Also it’s exhausting for black people. You’re thinking of it as one exchange. Whereas their lived experience is X many people asking them to do this.

Instead of asking our black friends to police our comments and ELI5, we should be good friends and do some more of the heavy-lifting.

@raum My comment was about someone who has known me ten years. If I’m saying something hurtful more than once I think they can say something. I hear Black people say they don’t want to have to keep teaching other people how to treat them, but if we don’t know it’s hurtful it won’t change. Remember this is something we say to white people as a compliment. There is no way to intuitively know it’s hurtful, especially if the white person interacts with Black people extremely similar to them all the time.

The Black people I grew up with and worked with were like me, just darker skin. My Black friends in adulthood are more educated than me, make more money than me, have more prestigious jobs than me, that’s my immediate experience. My friends from childhood, several white friends married Black and vice versa.

I do think of all of these people as equal in all the various dimensions that we can measure people by, although I hate to even state it that way, because the most important things in friendships are not money, status, or using perfectly correct grammar for that matter. Funny, what comes to my mind right now is a white friend of mine who I talk to very often, she constantly uses irregardless and can’t say ethnicity she says ethnanicity. Another white friend who always uses I when she should use me.

This past Saturday I helped Black people (I guess) by telling that one friend of mine the word articulate can be offensive. He had no idea and he is much farther to the left than me, much more involved in correcting systemic racism, more of an activist than I am, and some more irony he is a history professor.

Equity vs equality. I understand why they are different technically, but this hyper vigilance on word usage is exhausting outside of an academic setting. I’ll go ahead and include fluther as an academic setting, because we do come here to learn. Equity is acknowledging some groups might need more help to catch up so we can all truly be equal, but I’m saying I assume and view Black people as my equals.

I would suggest that rather than telling one Black friend what you learned is a microaggression, you ask him to tell you more, if he wants to take the time, about his lived experiences of them. You are not in this dynamic to teach but to learn. Not to talk but to listen.

@janbb I was in a discussion group about race, it was a subgroup I was invited to of a Socrates Club that I attend weekly. One of the most liberal and empathetic white people in the group asked early in a session to one of the Black people more or less what you just said and included asking if they prefer we use Black or African American when talking about Black people during the discussion. One of the Black people was sort of annoyed and basically stated it’s not her job to teach us these things, and that we should do the work and read some books, although she did say either Black or African American is fine because she’s both, but she said it with some eye roll “white people are both Caucasian and white it’s the same thing.”

Um, no it’s not really the same thing in the sense that we don’t know what the hell is going to be preferred or offensive now, but we want to know. Plus, the woman was asking for that particular discussion if they had a preference.

I’m not sure who you are talking to about telling a Black friend about microaggressions? I didn’t see that on this thread.

@JLeslie Oh – I misread something you wrote in the previous post. Where you said, “This past Saturday I helped Black people (I guess) by telling that one friend of mine the word articulate can be offensive” I thought you meant the friend was Black. Sorry for misinterpreting that.

You might want to read the book White Fragility by Robin something. I took exception to some of the book but it makes some good points. There are many other books on race that are eye-opening. I’ve built a circulating collection for my congregation of books on racism and other oppressions so I try to be aware of the literature.

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/white-fragility-robin-diangelo/1127171010?ean=9780807047415

@janbb Here’s the thing, I’m not much of a book reader as you might remember, but I am very interested in the topic and I care about being considerate and kind. I tried some of these groups to listen because it’s my preferred way of learning. Listening in a discussion format is more interesting to me than a lecture, but I don’t mind a lecture. I also like movies or documentaries. I’ve listened to groups discuss Caste and other books, so although I haven’t done the reading I have some awareness.

I don’t expect in an informal discussion group to be told to go do some homework. I think it’s great to recommend literature on the topic, but being annoyed with a question like that was honestly a huge turn off. Our culture (yours and mine) we are taught no question is stupid. The woman asking only had good intentions and we all know each other.