How do you respond to transphobia in your social life?

I don’t engage.

@kritiper Yeah, I can’t do that. I’m still processing the ugliness I heard, frankly.

Thank you for speaking up. I know it’s not easy, and I appreciate that you were vocal in your group.

There are a few things to note.

You were dealing with transphobia and not homophobia. The person is trans. Their sexuality is unknown.

When you speak or write about a trans person, please use the pronouns relating to their correct gender. The person in question is a woman, and we use she/her for women.

There are many more things to consider about your Zumba group. How much time have you invested with this group? How close are you to the newly out trans woman’s daughter? Do you feel capable of speaking more to the daughter? Do you think it would be a good idea to speak to her one-on-one? We don’t know the group, so it’s tricky to give more suggestions.

In these situations, I tend to cut off contact and find other outlets for my time. There is so much acrimony at present that many people are simply set in their ways. You know these people better. If you think you can continue to associate with them, please do so. If you think their minds are set, I suggest you find a new Zumba group.

I’m sorry you had to experience that transphobia. It’s never pleasant. Hate is never pleasant in any venue.

I don’t encounter homophobia in my social life, but I would certainly defend a person’s right to define himself, herself, or themself.

There does seem to be some room for confusion and distress, though. This is difficult terrain. @Hawaii_Jake, wasn’t this trans person “him” at the time that she made the choice? Or is it understood that the person was “always” female, even though she fathered children?

Not letting their children know in advance does seem to favor trauma over adjustment. Also, it would seem to me that the children have the right to grieve the loss of their father. They may not have lost the person, but they have lost the relationship to the person who was the father in their lives. That loss merits some respect, doesn’t it? And how do they describe her role now? She isn’t their mother.

@Hawaii_Jake You’re right on pronouns, I am still upset but I appreciate the correction.

They are all good people, or so I thought, and it’s very convenient being a few blocks from my home.

I think I can speak to the young lady one on one, so I may try that approach. This is the first time in three months of classes I heard anything like this so my mind is still a bit shocked right now.

One reason it upset me is she was sharing something very personal with us. I’m sure she felt more confused afterwards. Hurts my heart.

@KNOWITALL I just realized I also made a mistake. The person telling the story, the child of the trans woman, is a male. I wrote daughter. Sorry for the mistake. I wish you the best of luck in trying to talk to the son one-on-one. I think that is a good idea.

@Jeruba In the OP, the trans person has come out, so the appropriate response is to use female pronouns. I’ve read books about people transitioning, and when they are writing about before coming out, they use the pronouns relating to their gender given at birth. Once they come out and begin whatever transition process they decide on, the pronouns switch.

As for not letting the children know in advance, that’s strictly personal to the trans person. This trans woman lives in Missouri, a place not known for easy acceptance. The trans woman likely lived a long time in great torment internally. The whole situation is frightening.

As for the loss the children face, I take a very hard line. It is their responsibility to support their newly female father in every way they possibly can. If they must express anything negative, it must be done in very private settings far away from the trans woman. The public face must be of unwavering support.

In the OP, the son feels embarrassed. That is a form of transphobia. It’s OK to feel it privately and to work on expunging it, but it must never be presented to the new trans woman. The embarrassment is also a symptom of our world’s overarching misogyny. Women have been looked down on in the vast majority of societies for millenia.

This whole situation is sad. It’s sad the trans woman had to hide for so long. She undoubtedly lived in great shame. I know this, because I did at one time, too. It’s sad the children have to feel like they are losing something. They still have their childhood memories. Those aren’t gone. If those memories are filled with love, that emotion isn’t fake. It was really there. Love can grow in the future, too, for their new trans woman who will take a place in their lives. They get to build that place together and make it as wholesome as they possibly can. I hope everyone can find love together.

So I took your advice and reached out. Explained my close friends experience-she waited until her Boomer father died.
So perhaps this lady waited until the kids were grown. Kind of makes sense.
I mentioned the high suicide rate and Jesus’ nconditional love, so we’ll see what happens.

Thanks @Hawaii_Jake. I was a little worried to post this, as I knew I’d screw something up but you were kind and I appreciate that.

I’m a little confused with who is who. I don’t think I have a full understanding of situation.

It sounds to me that you did well to point out it was probably difficult for the father. Personally, I feel better when I can find empathy for the person who disappointed or hurt me, and sometimes it is someone on the outside of a situation who can help me see the POV of the other person so I can step outside of my own pain.

I would reassure the son that I understand his concerns, but also that it can be a burden to have a secret, and it’s not that he needs to tell everyone, but he shouldn’t feel like he needs to hide the situation either. There are lots of people who will be understanding or even just not think much of the situation at all, meaning it’s nothing to be so awestruck by. It doesn’t change anything knowing someone is gay, trans, blue-eyed, or red haired. People are people.

I think it’s worth mentioning that through the ‘80’s and ‘90’s I was known to say that I don’t think anyone should be forced out of a closet. Some people are correct that their family and community will be horrible. It’s just a shame when people feel they need to hide when the truth is the family and friends will be accepting.

Is there a possibility the son was judgmental before it happened in his family? Maybe his fears partly stem from how he previously thought about these situations himself.

If someone was mean to the son in front of me, is that what happened? I would hope I would say something to stop it. I usually do say something in those situations, but I can’t say I have a perfect batting average. I think it is a teaching moment too. We don’t necessarily need to be angry or hurt by the insensitive person, we can think of them as being ignorant.

When I do say something to try to help I often question if I could have done more or could have said something better.

It’s impossible to be perfect, so certainly don’t berate yourself. I feel you are a light in the midst of a judgmental part of the country, and your openness and understanding has probably helped more people than you realize.

I don’t typically encounter homophobia in my social life or in my business life. Most people don’t care if someone is gay or not. I did work at a power plant in the north quite a few years ago and one of the control room operators had to undergo a sex change. Apparently he was hermaphroditic and his doctor told him he would have continuing health problems as he got older unless he chose one or the other sexes. He opted to go as a woman. This was upsetting to many people who had to work with her. Upsetting because of the normal look he had. Picture a guy about 6’ tall, 230 pounds, typically in camo pants with a camo ball cap and a Fidel Castro beard…deep voice. Suddenly she is now 6’ tall, 230 pounds, no beard, in a dress and answering the phone in a falsetto voice that frequently cracked into deep bass. His wife and 2 daughters were not thrilled and she ended up losing her family. It is a lot to ask people to accept on the spur of the moment.

@JLeslie No one was mean to the son. I’d have kicked butt. :)

The young lady is dating the son of the newly transtioned lady. He told his gf that he’d understand if she didnt want to date him because of the situation.

She’s sweet but young, about 25, so I wanted advice before I said anything. She loves him and they’ll likely be married so I just reminded her to really consider her response, because he’s being vulnerable. She’s a good kid and I hope she handles it lovingly.

People here get very twisted up about unconditional love and religion, because it’s very judgemental in rural areas.

The son has been hinting he will ask her to marry soon, which may be why he’s bringing the subject up. Perhaps he’s confused on his fathers role in the wedding and thing’s like that. I feel bad for everyone and hope they work it out.

@seawulf575 That’s a really sad story. Didn’t the wife help in the decision-making about gender and support that? I suppose it may have been to hard. :(

I guess I expect others to know the statistics on suicide and be kind, it just really messes with my head people can be so merciless to eachother.

@KNOWITALL A 2015 study from UCLA states that 98% of trans adults who were subjected to 4 incidences of discrimination think of suicide, and 51% actually attempt it. You are right to be concerned. The statistics are horrific.

@KNOWITALL I was not privy to all the private conversations. She may have wanted him to choose to be male and he decided otherwise. I would imagine since she married HIM and had kids with HIM she would have want HIM to be there for her too. For HIM to suddenly be HER might have been the straw that ended the marriage.

I didn’t have many dealings with this person but have a few. Didn’t matter to me one way or the other. Not my life, not my choice. She ended up having to live with the choices.

@KNOWITALL Thanks for explaining. How long did the bf wait to tell the gf? I assume they have been dating a while if he wants to marry her.

I can see how people might twist themselves up in knots about the situation, the wedding, and probably worry more than necessary. Are his parents still married?

@JLeslie They dated a few years, and just got back together two months ago after college.
He just told her this weekend.
Not sure if parents are together.

And no response to my message yet. Oh well, if there’s a hill I’m willing to die on it’s that love should always win. Sorry not sorry.