Heard any good jokes lately? [2].
Wanting new jokes. This question has been asked before: 11 years ago.
No, I’m not asking you to name a politician or a current event and state it is a joke.
I’m feeling down in the dumps and would like to hear some good jokes. The cornier, the better.
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46 Answers
You know which country is really good at Cricket?
The West Indies.
The West InDEEZ NUTS!
Ha! Got’em.
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I thought I had a clever Quip
But now I’m Screwed
@Zaku All the GAs for you!! That helped me so much!
There was this rich bachelor who owed a large yacht. He named it “The Floating Dick.”
You matter! But if you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, You energy!
This one is NSFW:
Two guys walk into a brothel and the madam greets them and asks them what services they were interested in. The men reply that they were interested in the company of one of the lovely ladies that worked in this establishment to which the madam responded the price would be $1,000.
“But we’ve only got $100,” they replied.
“Well, there’s a staircase around the back of the building. For $100 you guys can go under there and suck each other off.”
Fifteen minutes later, the men return to the madam and ask “Who do we pay the $100 to?”
NSFW…and following @gorillapaws…
A middle-aged little man went into a bordello and was immediately taken upstairs by the Madam herself. This was just beyond belief to the other women who all began gossiping. One of them said, “Sheesh! I heard that he’s so small that his nickname is Shorty and it’s tattooed on his johnson!”
The women chatted off and on about the situation for the next couple of hours. Finally, the man came down the stairs, tipped his hat to the ladies and left. Several minutes later, the Madam leisurely descended the staircase with a smile.
The women gathered around her, speaking all at once and wanting to know why she had tended to the man herself, especially since he was called Shorty.
She quieted them down, and after a good yawn and stretch, she said, “Well ladies, I’ll tell ya. When he’s soft, yes, his tattoo says “Shorty”. But when he gets excited the tattoo says, “Shorty’s Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee”!
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
@Smashley I put that in Google translate, and it gave me nonsense. Perhaps that’s the point.
It probably has safety protocols to protect you.
Omg, just regular google it,
What do you tell a monster standing on a pile up?
^^ “Get off those cars! Were you raised in a barn?”
@smudges – that’s not how knock knock jokes work..
^^ That’s what I was gonna tell ya! lol
Well don’t leave me hanging!
(You’re supposed to say what I said, and add “who”)
@Smashley OK.
What do you tell a monster standing on a pile up who?
I’m fairly certain I know where this is going.
WASH YOUR FEET!
a thank you
^^ Oh, why you crafty little…took me a couple of times to read that to get it.
What is the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?
I know some dead baby jokes too, but I think that may upset people…
@Smashley Groan. OK. I asked for it in the OP. Groan!
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
@ragingloli Now that was funny! I was biting my tongue thinking the worst though.
How do you hold the sun in your hand?
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By drawing a picture of the sun, cut it out and hold it in your hand :D
A middle-aged fellow is having a drink at his favorite bar after work when he notices a beautiful woman he has never seen before, sitting at the end of the bar, smiling right at him.
Nervously the man returns his gaze to his Pilsner, unsure how to respond.
A moment later, there she is, standing in front of him, her smoky grey eyes equal parts mysterious and comforting.
The man swallows deeply and fumbles with his words.
The woman puts her hand on his thigh and leans in closely to whisper in his ear,
“I’ll do anything you can say in three words for $200”
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The man considers the offer, then opens his wallet to retrieve the cash. Placing the money in her hands, he leans in close and whispers back.
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“Paint
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my
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house.”
@Smashley I know, but I got tired of waiting for someone to answer, and I didn’t want to encourage you to talk about sh*t which I was sure was the direction the ‘joke’ was going.
Some people tell me I should just say No to drugs – But if I’m talking to drugs I think it’s because I already said Yes…
But there was also this guy who walked into a dive bar with a dog and says “This dog can talk. Give me a free drink and I’ll prove it”. The bartender pours him a shot and says “Okay, but if he doesn’t talk I’m gonna beat the crap out of you both.”
So the guy says “Wiggles what did we see in the museum yesterday?” The dog says “Arf”. The bartendender pulls out a baseball bat and pounds the man and the dog then throws them out on the street.
The dog crawls over to the man and says “Do you think I should have mentioned the Picassos?”
@JLoon ”Some people tell me I should just say No to drugs – But if I’m talking to drugs I think it’s because I already said Yes…” LOL! OMG! you slay me. :D
Saying that you do not believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you do not have sex with dogs, except Labradors.
^Yes, thanks. Much better.
Progress stats with “pro” while Congress starts with “con”.
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