People over 30 (preferably married), when you were in love, did you go through a period of time when you became overly jealous and wanted to control who your partner interacted with?
It just seems to me that people around me universally fall into that mindset when they are in love, at least 80% of them. From teenagers to people older than me, they just all seem to share two things in common: they hate seeing their partner remotely around a person of the opposite sex, and they don’t do private space. A few example are:
- A person who forced her boyfriend to promise never to have contact with any girl, then got mad when he was talking to a girl who came to ask for a job in his workplace, while he was the interviewer. This resulted in him being cold and rude to everyone who isn’t his girlfriend, even people older than him.
– A person who calls her boyfriend all the time, whenever she is in the mood, disregarding the fact that her boyfriend has a demanding night job and has to sleep in the morning. She often gets upset when she fails to call him in the morning.
– A young guy who wants to know every movement of his girlfriend and gets mad when she fails to text him where she is or reply to his message.
– A person who wants to be the one with the final say on their breakup, even though she no longer feels affection around him. Her reasoning is that she wants to be the one to have control in romantic relationships and likes to see the man being the one to have more affection than the woman.
– People who get angry with their partners for days over trivial things. This is actually a popular one and is regularly portrayed in the media.
I can never understand how anyone can consider those kinds of behavior normal, or even love at all. To me these are just controlling and abusive behavior conflated with “love”, and to be frank, I’m quite disgusted by that. But I have never fallen in love before. My opinion is based on my trauma of being abused with similar methods and my relationship with people here on Fluther. I’ve had someone tell me that these are just normal behavior in a romantic relationship and that indicates that the love is strong. Is that true? Will I inevitably fall into the same behavior if I am to love someone? I have made a promise to myself that I will never subject my loved one to those kinds of behavior and I will never tolerate my partner doing so to me, but is that a realistic thing to expect?
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30 Answers
Trust your instincts Mimi. That is not healthy behavior.
Egad, no. I think that’s bizarre behavior. If it’s as common as you suggest, I’ll bet television has done a lot to encourage it. Real life is not like a sitcom.
Nope. I think all of us feel the occasional pang of jealousy, but honestly, I fell in love with my life and was sure of her love. She could talk to anyone she wanted because I know she was with me.
Not at all. What made my wife happy made me happy too.
Sadly, this has become normal behavior for the younger people. Still I consider it insecure behavior in general!!! As people mature as they age, they learn how to deal with those insecurities. They might have twinges of jealousy, but they know that they are being irrational & keep them under control.
Will you ever act like that??? I seriously doubt it as you already see how controlling & irrational the behavior is. Even now, you might feel a little jealous inside, but I don’t see you as the type to react irrationally towards your partner!!!
No, it’s insecure behavior.
The kinds of behavior that you describe is in the realm of immaturity.
Mature romantic love requires respect, absolute kindness, appreciation and trust. Without that then a relationship is doomed to failure.
I’m 72 and have been married for 32 years. Throughout that time I’m maintained complete trust to my wife. She has maintained friendships to her old boyfriends. I never had a problem with my wife communicating with or doing things any of her Friends. I trust her 100%. I’m never intentionally said anything to her or done anything to hurt her. I’ve never raised my voice to her in anger.
A lot of the controlling behaviors you mention are examples of abuse. It’s about owning or possessing the other person. These behaviors are precursors to the “If I can’t have you then nobody can” murder-suicide type of thing.
I’ve never been this way. If my wife wants to leave me for another man, my only wish would be that she’d let me know and not try to cheat on my behind my back. What would be the point in trying to force her to stay married to me if she wanted someone else?
I was going to avoid this question since you asked for people over 30 and preferably married. But reading your details in the explanation, it sounds like people that are around my age (even younger) that you are referring to and NOT married. I would hope that people over 30 and married would act a lot better and much more mature than what you have described. I sure hope I never act that way if I ever get into that situation. I would like to be able to trust my partner and would certainly expect my partner to trust me as well.
@RayaHope I would hope that people over 30 and married would act a lot better and much more mature than what you have described
I was asking about people’s experience when they were in love and not married. I was hoping to hear married people’s experience of their past because they have lived it, rather than people who are still living it, because they would have a more objective opinion.
Thanks for your answer anyway. From what you said, it seems that the problem isn’t unique to my culture.
Not at all. I’m not a jealous person and that type of controlling behavior isn’t healthy.
@Mimishu1995 It’s not unique to your culture. This is common in America, though generally not viewed favorably. I’m pretty sure this happens all over the planet.
No. But I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and it was terrible and was a big part of what led to the end of that relationship.
No, neither of us has that trait.
Only with one man who loved me to be jealous, and acted out to elicit that response from me. I was younger and didn’t recognize it as abusive.
I’ve been married twice, and both times I was what I now consider to be pathologically jealous. I was married ages 17–22, and 30–44. I ended both marriages.
Why was I like that? I was so insecure. Even as a child I never felt worthy of love and felt like a mistake. I remember hating myself in kindergarten. When in my 40’s I asked my aunt, who was knowlegeable psych-wise, what her thoughts were about me when I was 2–3 years old. She thought a minute, then said, “I don’t think you felt loved.” That’s an intense thought to have about a toddler. Knowing what I know now about my history, it all fits.
I still care about my exes and hope they found happiness. I know the first one didn’t want a divorce, and I’m still friends with the second. One of my biggest regrets is the jealousy, but for the life of me I couldn’t stop feeling that way.
Since I seem to be the only one having this problem, I’ll answer questions within reason.
No, I have been married three times, and jealousy has never entered the picture.
I’ve been married to the same guy for 46 years. Never once has either of us felt jealous. Our first years were pretty rocky but part of that was because of bad relationship advice early on.
A bit here and there, usually related to how much free time we get, but not that controlling garbage you’re talking about.
We’ve had an open relationship since the start, though, so we’re both very confident in our relationship. When something isn’t going well, we talk it out, or occasionally yell it out, but I don’t think either of us is concerned that the other might just up and leave, we have too many shared goals, and plenty of ways to get off without hurting each other.
The closest I can relate to this is when I got married, I asked my husband to withdraw from one activity that took him out of the house about two to three evenings a week. I was in grad school at the time for one or two other evenings. I thought it was important, at least in the beginning, for us to spend time together in the evenings and set up our household patterns together. Looking back now, I wouldn’t have done that.
It does my heart good to see there are so many without a jealousy problem. It’s so painful for both parties. <3
@smudges me too. I’m so glad I’m not alone in thinking those behaviors are wrong. Unfortunately it’s the norm here and people have come to expect that to happen. Sometimes I’m genuinely scared of falling in love because I don’t know if I would be subjected to that.
@Mimishu1995 Just be aware of the first signs of possessiveness and jealousy. A good place to read about it would be to look up signs of possessiveness in a relationship, or signs of jealousy. If you’re aware of what they are, you won’t be blindsided. Try not to fear love, educate yourself. I’d hate to see you miss out on such a freakin’ wonderful amazing feeling because you’re afraid.
When Rick and I first got together he was kinda stupid about it. If I even mentioned Jerry’s name, or the kid’s dad’s name (Robin) he’d snarl “Why don’t get back with Jerry/Robin!!!”
I just calmly said “He’s only a phone call away.”
He finally quit with that bullshit.
@Brian1946 another country
OK, now I’m seriously curious :D
@Mimishu1995
I was referring to my ex, who moved back to Canada after our reunion failed.
Meh…I think I’ve posted this before on s similar question. But I just never could bring myself to get jealous over a woman. Fug all of that. I’ve been told by girlfriends in the past that I’m uncaring but that’s bull shit. I always cared but I felt like if they wanted another guy then break a leg. See ya later adios arrivederci sayonara goodbye. Nothing I could do about it anyway . So if they wanted some jealous buffoon wigging out about Johnny Stud Muffin they were barking up the wrong tree. I had buds like that and I’d always tell them to chill and try to either win her back or forget about it. No sense crying in your beer over something you can’t control. Just my own two cents.
On edit I have to be honest and admit I was with a few women that I secretly hoped WOULD find another guy. I always seemed to gravitate to girls who wanted to get married and play house too early in our relationship and I wasn’t feeling it in my younger days. No luck though, I always had to break it off myself and be the evil meanie uncaring slime bag. Would have been mush easier for them just dump me, then be on my way after putting on an act about I’m crushed , I’m devastated, I think I’ll go have a brew now. Lol
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