How can I get my trust back?

Dear Mimi, I’m no expert, but I think you need to take a break and look after yourself.

You’ve asked two quite different questions here, the one in your subject line and the one at the end of your details. I’m sure you’ll have some advice coming your way. I just want to emphasize the importance of caring for yourself first. Rest, do some things you enjoy, see friends, and stop rescuing for a while. There never was a promise of reward.

Mimi….this is just one of those grown up things where you just learn.

Radical empathy can be challenging. We’ve created these artifices of “good” and “bad” people as a simple way to sort folks for our own protection. Our instinct has always been to distrust, though trust is the foundation upon which all of society is based. Having our trust betrayed hurts us deeply and always makes trusting again more difficult. You have been wounded, and you are hesitant to expose that wounded part of you. This makes every bit of sense, and is why jaded people will tell you that that’s just how people really are.

Focus on why you desire to be empathetic. You probably have a radical belief in the inherent worth of all people, which is worth keeping. Momost people have an internal belief and desire to be good people. Acknowledge that hurt people hurt people, and victimizers start as victims. Everyone does have a story worth hearing, usually one where they aren’t the bad guy, but that won’t change the course of a person’s life. The story explains who they are, but it takes more than a little human connection to really change things,

You can keep trusting people, generally, but limit your potential for harm. Trust people with as much as you’re willing to lose, divided by the level of trust you have for them.

What I’m hearing you say is that you’ve just been through a “life lesson”!!! Main thing is to NEVER stop believing in yourself. What you believed was true yesterday you have now learned is NOT true today. Time to adjust your reality. This person played on your empathy & you fell for it. They play on everybody’s empathy. Only difference is that others STOPPED the empathy train from taking on that specific passenger. We ALL learn from various situations. I believe that as long as we “learn” something, it is NOT wasted & becomes an important part of becoming an intelligent adult.

In place of feeling like a victim, think about how you can stop this from happening again. NEVER lose the empathy…just learn when you feel you are being played & trust that feeling!!! In time, you will be able to feel empathy for someone without giving them full rule over your life.

Not knowing the full details of exactly hat happened, it seems to me that you did everything right except not recognizing “their faults”. Now that you’ve seen their faults, temper your empathy with the realization that they WILL use that to their advantage, so you might want to limit offering them your full vulnerability. You will learn how to feel empathy without allowing yourself to be used!!! Sadly, this is how we grow up…we live & learn & the ONLY way to learn is to EXPERIENCE it!!!

I think that you’re being way too hard on yourself. Back off a little bit & think about what happened & what you would have done different had you just known. Well, now you know, so do it different NEXT time!!!

I think we’ve all been burned at some point, but you can’t let this world change your loving heart.
Just imagine what this world would be like without kindness or empathy. People like you may be someone’s last effort. That’s what keeps me going on my own path. Even my own family doesn’t quite understand, but I believe listening to our hearts is important to our personal happiness and self-love.

Stop worrying about everyone else. You don’t have to decide who is good or right. Travel your path and when you stray the negative feeling and stress will remind you to get back on your road.