If you are in a Christmas gift exchange and the rule is not to spend more than $150, what’s the minimum you feel you have to spend?

The spending limit means not above that, not it must be that. Any amount below is acceptable,

I agree, the expectation is an ample gift at least 100 dollars. I don’t think you need to spend 100 dollars, necessarily, if you get something on sale. It might be 100 dollar value, but maybe you might get it half price.

IMy personal opinion about this whole gift giving thing (not yours, just in general) is that it’s pure folly. I can see, certain circumstances where people like to exchange gifts, like with a spouse, or when people are young and dating, or parents buying their kids gifts, but for friends or family who are just looking to exchange for the sake of exchanging, yet nobody really needs anything, it seems silly. Maybe cheap, fun gifts might be ok, like calendars or something that doesn’t break the bank, but if I’m going to spend 150 on you and you spend 150 on me, for the sake of us handing each other a gift, it seems silly, especially when it causes stress over what to get, what to spend, etc.

I think it really isn’t the price of the gift that matters. It is much more important if you can match whatever gift to its recipient. When I think about it, in my entire life, I was never more successful at this than the occasion decades back when we gave our friend who’s house is a virtual shrine to oddball kitsch—a lawn sprinkler discovered by another friend at a garage sale. The apparatus is an 18 inch high head of Mr. T. It’s in perfect working condition, but our bunch only saw it in action for a single demonstration. It went immediately from our overjoyed friend’s backyard to be installed on its own display pedestal, then subsequently shielded from dust and fingers beneath its custom glass dome.

enough to get a nice gift and a receipt.

I would feel obligated to get something around 150$, and I’d be upset. A gift limit should be worked out collabaratively, and it should be set so that the lowest-income participants can happily afford it. Ours is 50€ per person because we include some young people and two people living with little savings (and that’s Europe, where cost of living is higher, but the social safety net is better established. 150 is way too high in my opinion. Especially as it’s not per couple, but per person.

Thanks for your answers.

I’ll add that we always planned to give his parents a large cash gift for the holidays (probably $1,000) but give it to them privately. We will be staying with them a few days, they are going to feed us, and we want to help them feel lighter the next few months regarding their bills. I assume my husband’s sister will give her kids big gifts aside from this family party too. So, as @jca2 wrote, this is just folly, or it should be anyway.

My GUESS is his brother chose the $150 and no one has bothered to say that it’s too high, because they are a passive aggressive bunch, plus they hate to appear cheap, a bad combination in this instance.

When I heard the number I right away asked my husband, “why didn’t you say it’s high?” He said that he was caught off guard, and then followed by saying they think of us as having money so they’ll think we are being cheap or some other complaint.

To me $100 would be plenty high, or even $50, and I’d actually prefer a regift Christmas game instead (I mentioned on another Q) and anyone who doesn’t have a regift in their closet limit it to a $25 purchase.

I think there should have been a quick discussion if everyone was ok with the $150, and maybe that was what was happening when my FIL asked my husband if the $150 was ok, but my husband didn’t perceive it that way, he perceived it as $150 do you want to participate or not.

Next Christmas I’m putting my idea out early if I’m going to be at Christmas.

150 is way too high for something like that. For your spouse or child, you might well spend 100 or 200 or more on a specific gift you really want to get for them like that new bike or game console.

But for cousins/aunts/uncles level relations? That’s high. But given that 150 was placed as the ceiling, I would try to land in the 50–100 range. But try to find something appropriate for that person so they aren’t thinking about the dollar value.

I can speak from what experience I have, my family is somewhat well off and we only spend about $20—$30 on each other for gifts. I’ll spend $150 on something for my wife. It’s too much IMO.

As I’m reading it, you may spend 1 cent if you so wish…you’re just NOT supposed to spend “over” $150. If you’re a savvy shopper, you should be able to buy a $150 gift on sale for $75–100. You’ll be well within the perimeters of the rules & still have a gift assumed to cost $150 but you paid much less.

It’s not about the meaning of the literal words, of course I understand what a limit or max amount literally means. It’s about the cultural expectation and the judgment that might come with spending much less.

Just a suggestion, if you want things to be different next year, put out an email right after Christmas this year, so it’s in writing and clear. Two Christmases ago, I wanted to stop the gift exchange with friends, but realized that by the time I got around to thinking about gifts, they probably already bought or were planning what they were buying, so right after that holidaiy season, I put out the email about no more gifts. Therefore, by spring 2022, it was clear we were not doing Chiristmas presents for Christmas 2022, so the people who purchase stuff way in advance of the holiday season already knew not to.

@jca2 My husband and I don’t always make it to Christmas with the family, and my husband hates planning ahead so it’s often last minute. I’ve been loathe to make a suggestion because what if we aren’t even there? Plus, and this is an even bigger part of it, I’m an inlaw, and if they don’t like how it turns out I set myself up for criticism.

I do think maybe it is worth suggesting the idea though (I like the gift game) and yes sooner is probably better than later, because suddenly it’s too late. I’m going to give some thought to it, and maybe see if my husband will be willing to suggest it.

I think if it is suggested too soon it’s like saying what was done this year was bad. I know if right after Christmas a family member says they want to do something different next year that won’t be such an expensive obligation I will be even more frustrated, pissed off, and rolling my eyes that they said nothing beforehand.

It takes everything in me right now not to contact each of them and say let’s do a lower amount and who the hell came up with $150? I would bet the majority of the group think that’s crazy high.

What is somebody going to buy me for $150? Or, even $100?

Let’s see if I can hold out and not say anything to anyone. I told my husband if his mom brings up the topic again to ask her who came up with the $150.

@JLeslie What’s sad is that this whole gift giving extravaganza has become stressful for you and for your husband, and possibly for others in the family who are remaining quiet. That’s the way I used to feel, when I had limited time to shop and needed to find appropriate gifts for the coworkers, friends and others. Now, all that stress is minimized and I put the word out that I don’t want anything and really don’t need anything. It’s funny because my whole life, “old people” always said “don’t buy me anything” and now I’m telling people “don’t buy me anything.”

@jca2 As a kid we didn’t buy gifts for adults for the holidays so it wasn’t something my family had to get rid of. I don’t think the adults exchanged gifts either. I’m going to ask my parents if I remember it correctly.

Like I said I’m the inlaw, who am I to change my husband’s family’s traditions? They did a gift exchange like this once before about 20 years ago with a $50 limit. I didn’t enjoy it. I think the goal at the time was to save money and less stress. $150 isn’t going to save money. I think there will be 8 people at dinner unless their are friends being invited that I am unaware of. Sometimes there is one or two extra people who didn’t have anywhere else to go on Christmas Eve, which I think is nice. I have no idea if everyone said they want to participate, I’m assuming they all said yes.

Right now I’m more annoyed and pissed off than stressed about it. Once they give me the name of the person I’m buying for then I’ll be stressed about figuring out a gift. Hopefully they have a wish list somewhere.

@JLeslie: When I was little, the Christmas gift I gave my mom was something we made in school, as an art project, for example an ornament, or taking a can and painting and decorating it. Once I remember going to a department store and looking at a jewelry box, and going back and telling my mother how much money I needed, and she gave it to me and I bought the box for her as a present. I remember buying something with my mom to give my grandmother, when I was little, but it probably wasn’t something elaborate. I remember giving her fancy drinking glasses once (gift from me and my mom).

There would be no minimum, but my maximum would be considerably lower than 150€. I would spend 40€ at most.

@jca2 Cute. I think I probably did art projects like that for Christmas in school; we did on Mother’s Day. I think it’s good for children to participate in giving and a general feeling of wanting to share and be generous to others.

I remember my parents, aunt and maybe some other relatives getting together to buy my maternal grandparents a TV when I was little. I don’t remember if it was a birthday gift or Chanukah.

Gifts weren’t assumed among the adults every holiday season, that’s what I remember most. Some years maybe the holiday was an excuse to buy a gift. Like right now I want a party speaker, and I told a friend I’m going to buy one for myself for Chanukah, but I would buy it anyway with or without the holiday.

@ragingloli You would spend max 40€ with the $150 limit? Or, you would suggest a 40€ limit to begin with and you disagree with the $150 choice as a maximum?

Edit: $150 US is probably around 140€ now so it’s similar. Shocking to me how close they are now.

I don’t remember giving elaborate gifts to relatives, like aunts and cousins, but me and my mom used to do crafts, and we’d make things (like things out of felt or paiinted L’eggs eggs – remember those?). It wasn’t big shopping and stress for my mom. It was probably basicaly giving gifts to the kids and my grandmother because she was special to us both.

I would suggest a 40€ maximum to begin with, or not specify one to begin with.
The problem with a 150€ maximum, is that psychologically it will be treated as a ‘suggested’ amount instead (as you have already demonstrated for yourself, because both you and your husband were shocked to be expected to waste 300$). Because why would you choose this specific amount, if you did not intend the gift to be around that value?
And even beyond that, you will be soft-coerced into that range, because you expect the other participants to spend around that much, and you do not want to be seen as the “cheap one”, and the resulting diminishing in your social status.
Peer pressure is a thing, and it does not magically cease to be when you leave the schoolyard.

@ragingloli Yes! I agree with your psychological analyzation.

Had to correct “40€ minimum” to “40€ maximum”

Insanely, unreasonably high unless you know for a fact that everyone in your family has more money than they know what to do with.
At Rick’s holiday get togethers the max was $20.

I think if the max is too low, then it limits things to the point of being really difficult to find something decent, unless it’s cheap (cheap quality, like a hat from Walmart or a tee shirt). Not that there’s anything wrong with a tee shirt but not everyone wears that, or a mug, and how many mugs do people need? I think one good gift that is cheap is a calendar – something practical, so many different themes. Other than that, it would make it really difficult if I had to buy something for someone and limit it to 20 dollars.

Well you’d be surprised @jca2. You’d just have to buckle down and look.

$10 – Because Santa doesn’t always play by the rules.

@JLoon
He sure plays by the rules. By his own:

It was a cold and snowy Christmas Eve, and Santa Claus was making his rounds delivering gifts to all the good boys and girls. As he arrived at one particular house, he carefully placed the presents under the tree and made his way back to his sleigh.

But just as he was about to leave, he heard a small voice from the stairs. “Who’s there?” it asked. Santa froze, realizing that he had been seen.

He quickly turned to see a young girl, no more than six years old, standing at the top of the stairs. She had woken up and was now staring at him with wide, curious eyes.

Santa knew that he couldn’t let her live, for she would tell everyone about him and ruin the magic of Christmas for all the children in the world. With a heavy heart, he pulled out a silenced pistol and aimed it at the little girl.

She looked at him in confusion and fear, not understanding what was happening. Santa pulled the trigger, and the girl fell to the ground with a thud.

He quickly dragged her small body to the fireplace, where he lit a fire and burned her remains. As the flames licked at the logs, Santa shed a tear for the child he had been forced to kill.

But he knew that it was necessary, for the sake of all the children who still believed in the magic of Christmas. And with a heavy heart, he left the house and continued on his journey, delivering gifts to the other children who had been good that year.

Oh @ragingloli! :-) I would so much enjoy talking with you – over a dinner of tentacles!
As I was reading your story the scene I had in mind was similar to this Poopourri commercial .
Very different ending.

Maybe as the in-law I should be the one to speak up and be willing to take the scrutiny and accusations of being a tightwad. The thing stopping me most is my husband not wanting to say anything to the entire group.

Why is your husband intimidated by his family, @JLeslie?

@LuckyGuy
It was inspired by this sketch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZqrfDd1IEs

There are going to be hard feelings if someone spends $150 and receives a gift that is obviously worth half that or less. This is a bad plan.

I can’t even imagine what I would risk $150 on if I didn’t know exactly what the person wanted. And I can’t think of anything I’d even put on my wish list for that. I’d like, say, a book for $19.95.

I’d be asking if it’s too late to make a change, and have a specific replacement suggestion in mind.

One year a friend picked out for me something well out of the usual price range for gifts between us, and she said explicitly that this was worth two gifts, so don’t expect a present from her the next year. I accepted that condition (what else was I to do?), but I felt that this was ungracious and borderline rude. It also made my gift for her look paltry. And as for the gift itself, I didn’t even like it.

I think it’s best to stay within a range that is comfortable for those of least means. If those who are really well off want to splurge just a little, quietly and without comment, I wouldn’t object.

@Jeruba that reminds me of when, sometimes people will tell me they bought me a really great gift and they drop a hint as to the amount they spent, which I take as a hint that they are expecting a similar amount to be spent in return. Ugh.

In my family, we never did the amount thing. We just gave and spent what we wanted. Whether it was 30 dollars or 50 dollars, or 100 dollars, it was never too elaborate. It might consist of several gifts (like a book and a scarf or a book and a box of golf balls), but never specified amounts and never anything that made anybody uncomfortable. Relatively modest gifts, nice things, maybe a nice scarf from Lord and Taylor or something simple.

I would give some lucky person one hour of my undivided attention. That should be worth at least $150.00. :D Merry Christmas!

I, personally, would not participate for various reasons, but if I did I would spend a minimum of 80% of the limit, which in this case would be $120.

@RayaHope, I like that. One Mother’s Day, I told my family that all I wanted was for them (each, separately) to spend one hour with me talking to me about their lives. We never made a gift event of any of those quasi-holidays, but they all honored my request that year, and it was great.

Become a therapist, and you can get more than that for an hour of your undivided attention.

@jca2, I second the ugh.

@jca2 I’m not sure if the right word is intimidated. Maybe it is.

I think it’s a cultural or family thing that they are passive aggressive, so they suck at speaking directly to each other.

Additionally, for years my husband was accused of being too “American” and not caring about the family or being with the family. It’s totally unfair bullshit.

Lastly, they accused me in the early years of being a gold digger, which is absolutely laughable. They perceived my family as not having much money and they thought of themselves as well off.

When I was dating my husband he was paying his parents’ mortgage on the US house and paying the $550 monthly payment on the BMW his dad had “bought” him, because his parents stopped sending the money. My husband had just graduated college making about $25k a year. I came along just in time to help pay the bills. I could drone on for three more paragraphs about the joke it is that they thought I wanted the family money, but I’ll spare you. There was and is no money.

In summary, my husband is sensitive to how they might twist whatever he says or does and never gets credit for the good things he does. He’s never going to blurt out everything he has done and embarrass his parents.

I think this $150 thing might implode, I give it until the end of the week to see if something changes.

@ragingloli That reminds me of the short story “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas”.

@JLeslie,

> I give it until the end of the week to see if something changes.

For those of us who don’t have enough drama in their own lives, or else who have too much, do come back to this thread with an update, won’t you?

@Jeruba Yes, of course. I’ll come back with an update. I’m sure I’ll selfishly need to vent anyway.

@JLeslie, meanwhile, and selfishly for my part, it’s somewhat cheering to think about Christmas hassles I don’t have.

I would consider the gift first, the price second.

(My brain is still reeling from $150 maximum.)

@Dutchess_III I’m so curious to know who came up with the number. My guess is it’s my BIL. If I find out I’ll add that to my update.

When my husband talked to his mom she said, “well since prices are up…” Ugh, I was so pissed. She was obviously repeating a line that was fed to her by whoever decided on the dollar amount.

So many answers but I just have to give my 2 cents: $150 is outrageous! That’s what you spend on a spouse or fiancee.

The other penny is this: I think it’s just so sweet and kind of you to give his parents a large cash gift. Really. Because it does cost money to have people stay with you – food, hot water, maybe extra warm in the house, washing the bedding. All small stuff, but for a lot of older people, not so small; it adds up.

I hope you’re somehow able to straighten this mess out because it’s going to take the fun out of your christmas and make you grinchy…and that’s sad. :(

I know, just buy something cheap and put a $150 price tag on it. Checkmate!

What if you tell them that you have a maximum of half that?

Anyway, if they’re going to do this, they should state a range and not just one end of it.

@Jeruba His sister has been known to give $15 gifts to my husband while giving $300 gifts to her boyfriend at the same Christmas. It’s rude. Your range idea might prevent that.

The problem with a range is what if someone shouldn’t spend much of anything. What if my nephew is struggling financially (I have no idea if he is). I guess they could just opt out if a minimum is too high, but then that person isn’t opening a gift when everyone else is. It gets more horrible the more I think about the different scenarios.

Actually, if my husband and I and his parents opted out after hearing the $150 that could begin the change on the maximum dollar. I wonder if that is passive aggressive enough that they would consider doing it? I don’t think like them.

Or, maybe we could do $150 as a couple? I need a vacuum cleaner. Lol.

See, all this stress over it, and frustration, and aggravatation. For what? People with lesser gifts, people with gifts they don’t like, people who can’t afford this and are stressed out, so everyone can hand each other a package and then they have to pretend they like it? I say abolish the whole thing altogether, and if someone wants to give grandma a gift or whatever, they do it privately. If there are kids, then get the kids a gift if you want.

@jca2 I so agree. Maybe if there were children in the family they could focus on them, but right now there aren’t any.

I’m not really in favour of Christmas present rules. If someone wants to buy me a gift costing £15,000 they are welcome to but I will settle for a new jumper or a pair of socks.

I don’t like asking people to get me certain gifts, either. I might ask you for a book and maybe you had in mind something you knew I would really love, but now you’re going to get me the book because that’s what I asked for. If I want something specific, I’ll just buy it for myself. Sometimes people like when they’re told what the recipient wants, because it relieves them of having to do any thinking.

I just asked my husband about saying we are playing as a couple and he said no. He told me to stop and just let it go, he thinks it’s not worth letting it consume me. I wouldn’t use the word consume, because in the end it’s not that big of a deal for us, but it’s just so stupid how it’s handled.

That’s what bothers me most; witnessing how they handle these things. It’s a reminder of so many other situations in the family where there was poor communication or total lack thereof.

I’m with @jca2. If I want something I will buy it . At this point in my life I should be trying to slim down and get rid of things. I don’t need anything else.
I do appreciate food things. They get used up eventually.

That being said, I bought something out of character for my brother-in-law. He is in his 70s and is a gun enthusiast. He loves the movie “A Christmas Wish” 1983 where Ralphie wants a red Ryder BB gun “with a compass and a thing that tells time in the stock” but everyone tells him he will shoot his eye out. That model Daisy BB gun did not exist.
My BIL is kind gun enthusiast. I was walking in WalMart and saw they had a special purchase of limited edition A Christmas Wish Red Ryder BB guns. I bought one for him for ~$28. It will be hilarious.

@LuckyGuy Happening across a perfect gift for someone is different to me. My guess is you would have bought the gun for him if it was the middle of May.

@LuckyGuy That sounds like one of those perfect gifts you can’t pass up and he will love it and really appreciate it!

Another thing that makes a great gift is something personal, like a framed photograph of the person or the family, or an old family photo from long ago that you had reprinted and framed. It’s relatively economical and yet it really touches people.

I do decoupage and sometimes I’ve taken photos and decoupaged them onto a plaque or another item, and people love that, too.

@jca2 You just made me realize I could decoupage something for my husband. This year I asked a friend to decoupage rocks and tiles for Chanukah and Christmas and I gave them out to my dance troupe. A token thing, I let the dancers choose one, or they could pass altogether if they didn’t want one.

@JLeslie You are absolutely correct. I would have.
@jca2 I already wrapped it in red paper and will put a green bow on it like the movie. AND when we go to their house I will stash it behind a piece of furniture like in the movie.

I loved my husband’s gift giving traditions. Part of it was, instead of choosing a wrapped gift as your turn, you had the option of stealing an already opened gift from someone!

^^ Ahhh, like the steal a vote in Survivor…pretty sneaky.

@Dutchess_III That’s the gane I’m talking about. My husband just did that at work last week, but they did it with regifts, or if no one had a regift they could buy something very inexpensive to participate.

The secret to regifting is no one should know it’s a cast off.

@Dutchess_III The game was so people didn’t spend more money, it was just for fun. Everyone knew up front it was a regift.

That’s tacky.

It’s not tacky. It’s the perfect way to get rid of regifts. I want to do it with my friends where I live, but I’m not sure I want to risk getting sick right now by making a party with 20–25 people.

UPDATE: Remember my husband had suggested to his mom that maybe we could just set it up so his parents give us gifts and we give them gifts and they don’t need to feel compelled to spend a lot. My MIL just called and said that since the game is supposed to be Secret Santa they (whoever it is who is actually controlling and planning this whole thing) kept it that we pick names. My MIL said that my husband’s sister told her parents that she would pay for the gifts they have to buy. You might remember that I had suggested to my husband to offer the same thing, but he didn’t.

Here is my reaction:

1) If my husband had talked to his sister about his concern they could have split the cost for their parents to play, but that would have meant they actually would have had to communicate. It is worth mentioning that my parents-in-law gave all their money to their daughter a few years ago so she could manage the money and pay their bills, so sometimes my SIL giving her parents money, is really giving them their own money. My MIL seems to be out of the loop on this and just sorts it in her mind as her daughter giving them money. That’s a little annoying to me, but in the scheme of things I don’t let it really bother me, because the parents live near the daughter and so she probably does do a lot for them that we are unaware of. We do help where we can.

2) With this new information, now, even more than before, I think the dollar amount was chosen by my husband’s brother. I think if my husband had called his sister, together they might have changed the number, or my husband was absolutely right and she would have turned it into us being cheap and trying to change what was already agreed upon. I really don’t know which would have happened. It’s already possible that they have twisted it all into us trying to change it and his sister saved the day and is a wonderful daughter, because she offered to pay for the gifts.

There is really no winning in his family, because they tend to like to look down on people, even in the family, so they feel superior at any given moment in time.

By the way, they drew the names, and I am giving a gift to my MIL and my husband is giving a gift to me. That is about as good as I could ask for in a random pick, assuming they really did it randomly.

@Dutchess_III That’s not tacky. It’s a very common way to do it.

I’m ok with it all now. I feel like it’s done and just move on. It’s just another family thing that I think differently than them.

Regarding Christmas, the easiest thing has ALWAYS been don’t go to Christmas dinner and avoid all of the Christmas pressure.

~ @JLeslie Ummm…I can check and see if Walmart still has Red Ryders. :-).

^^To gift my MIL? Lol.

I should do a Q for ideas. Probably, it’s best to give her something practical that she really wants and needs.

I don’t have a problem with regifting @jca2. I have a problem letting people know that you’re giving them one of your off cast items. That’s the part that’s tacky.

@Dutchess_III In the case that @JLeslie is giving, it’s a game and that is part of the game. A game where everyone is in the group opening presents and then choosing someone else’s present.

Like we used to do at Rick’s dad. That’s just a game with brand new items. I don’t consider that “regifting.”

@Dutchess_III: Exactly, and therefore, not tacky.

@Dutchess_III Right, what you do with Rick’s family isn’t regifting. I’m saying we’ve played the same game with regifts.

To me, regifting means taking a present that was given to you and wrapping it back up to give to somebody else. Not the game we played at Rick’s dad’s.

@Dutchess_III Right, you play with bought gifts, I was talking about playing with regifts.

We take a gift that was given to us, and wrap it up. Everyone at the party does the same, wraps a gift that was given to them, and all the regifts go on a table or in a Christmas bag. Then one person picks a gift, opens it, shows everyone. Then the next person picks a gift and can keep their gift or swap with the first gift. Then a third person picks a wrapped gift, opens it, and can keep it or swap with one of the first two that were opened. Salomon’s workplace just did it with regifts. EVERYONE knew it was a regift, they knew to wrap a regift and that they were receiving regifts. Everyone was told to play with a regift.

Are these regifted presents ones you originally got from someone at the party?

@Dutchess_III No. I think most people would try to avoid doing that. Although, at my husband’s party he wound up with free swag from his company. Someone who got it from a manager or an event wrapped it as a gift for the game. My husband was thrilled, because he’s new and doesn’t have any company hats or mugs, etc.