Should I (27F) break up with my boyfriend (53M)?

I’m going to let Jloon handle this one.

First let me start by welcoming you to Fluther. Thanks for trusting us with your story and feelings. I hope you stick around. As to your question:

I think you know the answer and want others to confirm what’s already in your heart: this isn’t the right guy for you. In your question you mentioned a very important line:

“I chose to be with him despite of everyone telling me to stay away because he seemed like a loving/caring person with emotional intelligence who was willing to make efforts to get to know me and love me. This is really hard to find…” (emphasis added)

I think this is the crux of your situation. You feel like it’s hard to find men that you can connect with on a deep personal level. You’re scared to walk away from someone who’s not a good fit and is manipulative because of this. Maybe the answer is to change how you look for a partner. Tinder is probably the wrong way to go in this regard—try meeting men doing activities you enjoy. Maybe you like volunteering, or hiking or playing in a coed sports league or a religious thing? I think you’re going to have better luck finding what you’re looking for there.

Best wishes to you.

I feel for you and like @gorillapaws has said, you know what you have to do. This guy is not a match for you. He lies, is manipulative and is far too old for you. Break it off as soon as you can and look for something better – or stay alone for a while.

I did have to laugh at one sentence in your well-written story:

“Whenever we have sex I am the one who has to be on top otherwise he loses his election.”

This older man isn’t Donald Trump by any chance, is he?

Anyway, Welcome to Fluther and stick around if you care to.

Yes.

Break up.

Do it now.

The book you’ve written needs a better ending.

You know what to do, follow your heart ♥

Better yet, follow your gut.

@JLoon has spoken!

Of all the books written on this site, that was one of the well written ones. And praise God, she used punctuation!

@Dutchess_III I’m glad she used the word election!

We all mess up. Or spell check messes up for us @rayahope.

Break up with him, but learn from this. Only get involved with people you like enough to let them be who they are. Changing the colour of his beard, for example…that seems ridiculous. If you’re going to be with an older man, don’t make him feel bad about his grey hair.

Maybe explore the point about your absent father in therapy so you don’t end up in a similar situation with your next person.

I’d also try to be more aware of the manipulative behaviors of your family and friends. Not going out with you because they don’t like your partner – that, in particular, seems really mean to me. I’m not saying you should ditch your friends, but I think you should tell them how that made you feel. Then listen to what they say. It’s possible that they were worried for you. They still chose a crappy way to deal with it.

Lastly, stop looking for reasons. Especially avoid reasons that are objectively unkind, like that his body is “objectively not attractive”. There’s no such thing as “objectively attractive” anyway. You don’t need to shame this guy. You don’t have to explain why you want to end it. Focus on this sentence:

“I feel that this relationship is insane and it is eating me from the inside.”

That is enough. That’s all you need to know. It’s your life, and you should not feel forced to stay in this relationship. Break up with him kindly, and let him find someone who will appreciate him. Probably someone closer to his own age.

@longgone Perfect answer.

Thank you all for your valuable contributions (I feel like my boss at the end of year speech). Honestly, your answers have really been so helpful and insightful also because all of you found different elements from the same story to be determinant but your conclusion was the same.

I never posted a question online and have never been active on a forum before. The reason I created this account is because I always google whatever happens in my life to see what other people who have been through think about that situation.

However, this was the absolute first time I googled my situation and did not find any relevant answer. Maybe because the age difference is impressive (26 years) and the only stories with such an age difference were mostly because the young girl was really enjoying going out to expensive places and being spoiled. I really do not like that, I never go out in expensive places, my family is actually richer than his family and money was never a factor. The only post I found that I could relate to was a post here on Fluther and the comments were really incredible. People actually took the time to asses and advise which I have never seen before – which you did to my question as well.
Thank you – You are all amazing!

Firstly, @gorillapaws, I actually met him at work – he is not my boss but is indeed higher in hierarchy than me. That will be no problem since he will find a new job this year. We actually connected because we both go in the same destination on our holidays and we went together as friends. We had a lot of fun that weekend and that’s when us going out started.

However, I remember of that weekend a techno party we went to together. I felt a bit uncomfortable that he was there with me because everyone was young and he was the only senior. After he left the party (I always stay until the party is over and he left sooner) people asked if he was a cop.

I cannot even imagine such an outing happening now. Me having to say he is my boyfriend. I would die of embarrassment. That is why I decided for myself to never go at those parties with him – I would die of embarrassment if he kissed me there. The stares everyone would give me. The laughs. I would also like to mention that I live in an eastern European country – there is no “political correctness”, we have no Karens – maybe the Karens we have are those traditional people who shame you for kissing your boyfriend on the bus.

Anyway, as @gorillapaws noticed, the reason I stayed with my current boyfriend was because of the emotional attachment and feeling of a deep connection. The reason I started this is still unknown to me. I always felt like I should not be doing what I was doing.

As @longgone has correctly pointed out – there are some things that I do not find attractive in him – his body, his way of dressing, his wrinkles and his white hair.

So how did I get in a relationship with someone I found unattractive? Was it really “falling in love” or was he manipulating me? Was he manipulating me on purpose or is it just his nature and he cannot even realize that he would do anything to obtain what he wants? Does he actually love me or is he manipulating me? Could it be both? right now I suppose that he does not love me, because If he would love me he would set me free.

The reason I posted my question is because I started doubting the realness of this “deep” connection when I started seeing his manipulating ways. I wonder how much of these emotions were genuine and how much they were fabricated by him by giving me the answers he knew I wanted to hear. I don’t think it is that difficult for a man of his intelligence and age to anticipate what a 27year old anarchist would like to hear.

Last week I had a very high pulse because I was in a constant state of worry caused by me understanding how hurt my family is because of my relationship. Yes, family should NOT manipulate you to follow their decisions and I would not have let them manipulate me emotionally – however I finally understood their suffering. My sister said “you don’t seem to protect yourself in your life. You keep making bad decisions that hurt you – that is why I feel the need to protect you, because you won’t do it yourself.” And I can really understand how destructive this relationship is/was and how it could affect other people who love me.

As I mentioned in the questions, lately I’ve been spending time with my family. He keeps texting me he misses me and wants to see me. However I am afraid to see him anymore because I don’t know how to act around him right now – I have awoken from the drunk love phase and I don’t see him anymore as I used to. He is not the cute boyfriend whom I’ve sworn to between sheets that I’ll spend the rest of my life with – he is a man that I would normally call “Sir” who calls me “my love”

I keep limiting my interactions with him and hope to get some clarity these days in order to maturely break up with him.

Today when we were FaceTiming he saw that I was sad and asked “do you want to break up with me?” to which I answered “I am thinking about it.”

He answers “Please don’t”.

I ask “Why? You said you love and understand me and that you will support me in any decision I take.”

He says “yes I will – but let’s not think about that at the moment. Let’s just take everything piece by piece and see when the load is to heavy and we cannot take it anymore. We’re not there yet. We love each other. We are happy.”

I say “why wait if I decide it’s wrong? time is not running in my favor.”

He says “Time is not running in anyone’s favor. We’re all getting old, day by day. If anything, it’s me the one who has less time than you. I am 53. I am running out of time, not you. Later in life you can decide to do whatever you want. You can still decide to be whoever you want. I can’t anymore. So if anything, its me whose time is not running in his favor since I have less time left. And I choose to spend this little time left with you. I choose you.”

I think it’s very selfish and manipulative – he tries to make me believe that I am the one who has been chosen to accompany him in his last years.

As I said before, I look much younger than I actually am and he looks much older than he actually is. Once he accompanied me to the doctor, we were waiting in line (everyone was smiling at us happy because they thought were a very close family – as in daughter and father/ granddaughter and grandfather). A doctor called me “Kid”. She asked him “where is the kid?” when she could not see me anymore. I can understand that this is a funny thing, however, what I can’t understand is why my boyfriend kept telling this story to his friends as if it was so funny. I felt embarrassed. As if him dating a kid made him feel like a king.

Anyway – thank you so much for reading all this and helping me confirm what my gut was telling me.

I will surely stick around.

I just want to point out that 53 is not really old. He could live long into his 80’s or 90’s. I’m glad you are thinking this over. Most of what I would suggest to you has been said above, so I won’t repeat such good and thoughtful answers.
Welcome to Fluther and I do hope you stay.

@Panamera556 I just now seen this latest explanation and this does help even more, thank you! I think we are going to be good friends here, for sure. I loved our PM’s and hope to help each other out :)

In my opinion, you should never discuss with a boyfriend or girlfriend that you are considering breaking up with them. Either you do it or you don’t, but to tell them you’re thinking about it is, to me, “drama” and also, it causes them distress, and it may cause them to look elsewhere for love. The downside of that is, if you decide to stay with them and not break up, now they have put feelers out for other people. To me, telling a boyfriend or girlfriend that you are considering breaking up with them is like telling a job that you are thinking about quitting. Either you quit the job or you don’t, but don’t talk about your indecision and your plan, just do it or don’t do it.