How can I best support my friend?

First, please remember the vast majority of people here are going to give you answers based in American culture. We do not know how to answer with Vietnamese cultural values.

From my perspective, the abuse needs to be reported to authorities. In the US, each state has some type of office meant to prevent child abuse. We would report it to them, and they would investigate. Is there some type of office such as this in your city?

If no such office exists, there is little you can do other than to continue to offer a supportive ear to your friend. There is little that she can do for herself except to fight back physically or move out.

I am sorry to say, but I don’t see anything you can do to dissuade your friend’s ardor for her boyfriend. The heart is a tough muscle. It wants what it wants no matter how illogical.

Now the question becomes how you help yourself while remaining friends with this girl. I suggest you learn to take an attitude shift. You can remain supportive to her by offering supportive listening, but you don’t have to internalize the trauma she’s telling you about. Psychologists do this in their therapeutic relationships with clients. They listen to very difficult stories all day, but they don’t take on the pain themselves. This is a trait that is learned. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how it’s learned. I will ask my psychologist if there’s a good article or book that explains it and pass that information along to you.

@Hawaii_Jake Thank you for answering. I really need that skill of listening without being affected. To be honest the details of the abuse can be so intense I get affected even without being there. I’m also not comfortable with the boyfriend but it can be hard to avoid him since she is trying to get him involved in her activities and I have to encounter him. I think her situation is taking a toll on me in a way.

If you can ask your psychologist, please let me know.

As for the authorities, there is no such service to protect children. People only bat an eyes when the child lands in the hospital or dies. Other than that people just assume that the parents are just “teaching” their children. I talked about this to an older friend and even she didn’t recognize it as abuse, just the father being a bit too much with his teaching. It’s a sad reality I’m living in. That’s why I have been trying hard to be kind to my friend and give her a shoulder to lean on.

@Mimishu1995 I have sent an email to my psychologist. I understand the difficulty. When we hear stories of difficulties, we naturally want to help, and we hurt when our friends are hurting.

I think we can agree that child abuse should not be a cultural issue. It’s not OK to hit a child. Personally, I don’t even think it’s OK to spank a child.

I don’t know how I did it, but I’ve learned not to internalize my friends’ traumas. I spoke to a friend on the phone yesterday who’d had a bad experience at a store. I was able to listen closely and offer words of empathy, but I didn’t take on her pain. Perhaps I simply learned with with age. I really don’t know. I genuinely care about my friend, and I want her to be OK, but I simply can’t control the forces that she’s battling. I am empathetic with detachment.

I don’t think you should offer any opinions about her boyfriend since she is enamored of him. In terms of her abusive father, if this were in the States, I would suggest that she finish high school, get a job and move out of the house but I don’t know if that is feasible in your country.

So I would go with @Hawaii_Jake‘s suggestions and be a good listener but don’t let it get you down.

This is all my opinion. Don’t tell her that her boyfriend is a bad person. Try to be at her side and stay on her side. Tell her dad that if you want to that you could watch her when he wants you to so she can have a break from him. Make sure her boyfriend is what you think he is and get concrete evidence that he isn’t a good man for her to be around and help her find a new one if you suspicions are correct. Other then that I don’t know what else to say but if I have an Idea I will post them. Just do your best to help her.

You’re sensitive, caring, and empathetic by nature Mimi. And your committment to your profession and your students is clear.

But as others on this thread have pointed out, becoming personally involved in family and relationship issues outside the classroom comes with emotional costs that can make your work as a teacher more difficult. The need to learn your own limits and set boundaries is something you yourself have started to realize – and it’s essential if you want to keep functioning as a professional and as a human being.

But in a strictly legal sense there may be actions you can take that will help the student you’re working with, and still keep you from being too directly involved.

Vietnam in fact does have at least some laws to protect children from abuse, and an active program to report and investigate cases :
https://childhelplineinternational.org/vietnam-national-hotline-for-child-protection-111/?amp=1

Beyond that Vietnam signed an agreement to recognize UNICEF in 1979, and the UN has funded support for government agencies advocating for children :
https://www.unicef.org/vietnam/child-protection-system

Contacting local authorities to report what you know would be reasonable, and within your responsibilities as a teacher. It could also give you a way to step back and clear your conscience without taking on bigger emotional burdens.

You can be a mentor and an advocate, but trying to be a surrogate parent is too much for any teacher.

Good luck.

@JLoon Good advice overall but I didn’t get the impression that Mimi is her friend’s teacher which, if she isn’t, probably would make it harder for her to contact authorities. I had the impression this is just someone younger who is a friend.

@janbb – True.

To me the student/teacher relationship seems implied, but not exactly clear. Maybe Mimi can add details.

But I think regardless, this is a situation that would trouble any caring person & impact other parts of their life.

Reporting the abuse to authorities could put a stop to it. Or not. But doing nothing probably won’t help anyone.

@janbb @JLoon that girl isn’t my student. She is the sister of an older friend who later bonds with me. We know each other in real life. We play an online game together and that is where I hear about all the abuse. The game is also where I met the boyfriend before she introduced me to him in real life and that is also where his unpleasant behavior is on full display.

I did a search for the number and seems like it’s actually a thing. It has very little media coverage though. One article I found mentions children calling in the number. Should I make a call myself or should I give her the number and let he make the call?

I think I would give the number to the girl, and I would talk to her about calling. You’ve done something helpful that way, but no one can blame you for any outcome.

I hope others will weigh in with their thoughts. I might be wrong.

Give her the number. You might need to give it to her again and again because she is probably quite set in her ways. Just be kind, be there, and keep offering her the number. You might be the one dependable person in all her mess.

I hope she comes around.

@janbb I would suggest that she finish high school, get a job and move out of the house

I actually don’t have any high hope about that. She told me once that once she is 18 she will marry the boyfriend and move to his house. She would be able to avoid the abuse, but I have never had a good feeling about her being with her boyfriend and I fear that it will only give her a new set of problems to deal with.

@Mimishu1995 she’s never known what a healthy relationship is so this boyfriend seems like a good choice to her.

I think you should give her the support phone number and encourage her to call but realize that she may not do so. People get trapped in unhealthy family systems and may not be able to extricate themselves.

Unfortunately this is a very familiar story to anyone who studies psychology.
Abusive father means she is likely trying to gain aporoval from the boyfriend. And even if it wasn’t this particular bad guy, it would be another. It’s very typical, and if she doesn’t recognize it over the next few years, she will continue to self-sabotage. Drug or alcohol use, lack of interest in education and promiscuity/early pregnancy are also likely outcomes, often leading to an unhappy life.

What helped me, and others, is to read about this pyschological condition and how it can affect your life choices and happiness. Get her the book, highlight or mark the pertinent passages, and she may decide to live differently.
We humans tend to be very predictable, but being self-aware and knowlegeable can foment positive change.

@Mimishu1995 The book is

Leaving It at the Office: A Guide to Psychotherapist Self-Care by John Norcross and Gary VandenBos

Update: I finally gave her the number. Turned out she is actually aware of the number for a long time but refuses to call because she is “too old” and, in her word, “they can’t do anything besides giving advice”. What should I do?

And @Hawaii_Jake, thank you for the book. I thought you weren’t able to get a response. I’ll look into it.

@Mimishu1995 maybe your friend dreams about a different life, but she’s not fed up enough to do anything about it. What exactly is she looking for? Does she want someone to rescue her? It sounds like she wouldn’t accept a rescue even if it were offered to her.