Would you enter into a relationship with someone whose sanitary standards were very different to your own?

I do think a similar level of neatness makes sense. My husband and I are both not too great at tidying up, and if it were just one of us, I can see that creating a lot of friction.

When we met, I didn’t know about his tendency to keep all paper. Bills, but also old flyers and magazines…he has a hard time recycling those things. It’s not a terrible habit because it’s not like we’re drowning in paper and it’s not unsanitary, but it does bother me. Makes it hard to find the paper that’s important. On the other hand, I have more stuff from childhood that I’m nostalgic about.

Regarding personal hygiene, I remember being really happy when we met that he always smelled like laundry detergent. That’s still true. So no problems there.

I can answer from experience—and the answer is a strong no. There is a range, of course, but you said “very different” and no… no. no. I’ve had experience with housemates/relationships with polar opposite hygiene habits in both directions, so I could safely say I’m somewhere in the middle.

I had a roommate who expected the tub to be scrubbed clean after every use and would check for (her words, with curled lips) debris after any of us used the shower. She also would intentionally leave a bread crumb under the microwave (under the entire unit) and would admonish the rest of us for not cleaning thoroughly if the crumb was still there. I couldn’t live with that level of constant anxiety and anger—and moved out of that apartment after 6 weeks.

Then, on the opposite end of the spectrum… I lived with someone who, because of a neurological disability, does not have the same sense of clean/dirty as most people. Basically, if it doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t understand how it bothers others- so dirty hands? Sticky or slug-like surfaces? Dirty clothes? Hoarding?—_— I can’t describe the stress and horror of living with someone that dirty…

Never again.

So… yeah, our perception and tolerances for dirt, germs, and clutter are all different. It’s a range, and I guess we have to fall into similar enough ranges to be able to cohabitate?

Tough Q.
Each person’s definition of “sanitary” is key here, especially since you use the word in your main Q.

I am a (now) unapologetic slob. My home is just that, my home. It is cluttered and messy, the floors are rarely clean, the dog is a champion shedder and I swear that as soon as I vacuum he shakes out a full new dog of hair everywhere. I wear my shoes inside, I hate hate hate dusting, and I don’t wipe down the counters all the time.
That said, any surface that touches food is always clean, my clothes are clean, my bedding and towels are clean.

That is not enough for most people, and they are horrified that my toilets, full of hard water stains, don’t sparkle, and that there is usually some dust on my bookcases.
I’m sure my house smells a bit in the winter because it is closed up and the dog gets wet and also farts.

I don’t invite any but the closest friends over anymore because judgement is harsh about such things, and there is a conviction that sloppy or messy equals lazy or spoiled or generally lesser in value.

Which is where “sanitary” comes in. Because my house is not tidy, and the floors are dirty most of time, some people think the space is unsanitary. It is not.

I have been uncomfortable in spaces where the concern for cleanliness is made obvious, where a fuss is made if I put something on a table, or drape a sweater over the arm of the sofa where I am sitting; and sometimes the fumes from strong cleaning products give me a headache.

And anyone (and there have been some here) who make harsh judgements and describe how clean they are because “some of my friends are immunocompromised”, well bullshit. I am immunocompromised and just fine, thank you, in my little mess.

The difference in styles doesn’t really bother me, the inevitable judgement does.

Well put, @linguaphile.

@canidmajor I’m with you on the judgement being the issue, not different styles. I have a fur bomb living with us, have a 1.5 hour commute to work one way, and my partner just had surgery… so my “a bit fuzzy and cluttered” place doesn’t pass muster with some people I know. My dishes and fridge are clean though.

My mom often said, “If you’ve come to see me, welcome!! If you’ve come to see my house, make an appointment.” :D

Yay to your mom!!! :-D

Only if we could both morph into something between Martha Stewart & Courtney Love. Because I like neat & clean, but also free form housekeeping.

What I do know is that my haircare routine can and has driven otherwise sane roomies to the edge madness.

I would have a lot of trouble with VERY different. If they were doing things that constantly made me feel like I could get sick, specifically if they weren’t germ careful in the kitchen, I don’t think I could live with them.

If it is a matter of not being as tidy as me or they are much much more organized and tidy, probably we could work out something, but there would most likely be frustrations along the way. If they had to have everything in its place all of the time I would likely be miserable. If they were very messy but ok with paying for a housekeeper to keep things in line, then maybe it can be worked out.

I actually grew up in a very messy house in my teen years, and it was very upsetting to not feel comfortable having friends over. So, I have some baggage regarding the topic.

I have a very sensitive nose (unfortunately) and I like things clean and certain smells can make me nauseous real quick. Hair such as underarms needs to be gone men & woman and down there needs to be neat, very neat as in very little and tidy (like a little landing strip). If you leave hair in the shower or sink, or God forbid on the soap, you might as well pack your bags!

Dirty clothes NOT in the hamper or clothes basket, sorry but you will have a lesson in housekeeping that you will not like very much. This is a start.

@Dig_Dug, let’s meet at the coffee shop, then. :-)

Such an excellent question.
You find these things out only after cohabitating. I am pretty accepting of people as they are. This however could become a dealbreaker for me. It would come down to a point of it being just plain unattractive to me. I am no Felix Unger, yet I am not an Oscar Madison.
If you make a mess, clean it up as I am not a cleaning service. Yes, personal grooming and hygiene matter. I do my part and hope they do theirs. Don’t get me wrong as there are times that I consider a daily swim in the pool or night in the Hot Tub a good cleansing. I keep myself clean and trimmed and body image and presentation matters to me. My Tux comes out on occasions yet my jeans and t-shirts/shirts are my go to.
I would go crazy with someone who is OCD about the pantry as much as someone who doesn’t care where they put things away.
I think mutual respect and mutual consideration go a very long way.

Sure, been married to one for going on 30 years come June.

@canidmajor I’m not trying to be judgemental in any way, after-all this is simply an personal opinion question and mostly (for me) personal hygiene thing not so much how my house is. Believe you me, my home is no Better Homes & Gardens either. lol I just don’t like clothes and stuff laying all over the place, I try to keep things in their place. I have two cats that shed like crazy even though I brush them every day. It does drive me nuts but what ya gonna do?

@Dig_Dug I think you misunderstood me, I was making a friendly overture. I have a number of friends who are totally opposite from me, and we have lovely times together in coffee shops and parks (in the summer) when neither is really comfortable in the other’s home. :-)

@canidmajor Oh, I’m getting used to being jumped, wait never mind. I understand now (((HUGS))) maybe we will make that coffee shop one day :)

@janbb Well, I married a dude, so I guess my answer is “absolutely yes.”

Our relationship quickly aligned along traditional gender roles. I’m a clean-freak who loves housekeeping, cooking, gardening, etc., and he’s, well, a dude, but also a great guy who devotes his time to improving the world. When we were dating, his “bachelor pad” was a mess, while my “bachelorette pad” was always pristine. He entered my Orb of Immaculate and is now on board with it.

As many have read it, this question is in reference to having an intimate romantic relationship with someone with different needs. Not judging whether someone is willing to have you over or not..

Ahhh, I read it literally, sorry.

Forgive how vile this response may seem.
I think you should find someone compatible with you.
If they want their salad tossed, or fecal-play, and you don’t, I don’t know how you make that work.

@canidmajor. I did mean it literally about hygiene and household standards but only in terms of compatibility in intimate relationships not friendship.

@filmfann That’s important but not really Germaine to this question.

I think I got confused by the lack of the words “intimate” or “romantic” before “relationship”.

It’s all in the details if you read them.

I stand corrected.

No, not in retrospect. My favorite partner was a neat freak, showered at least once daily, always smelled like soap, buzz cut trimmed every 3 weeks. Made me very comfortable in bed and out.

I tend to accumulate stuff and my house can be messy because I have cats so there’s cat hair floating around. I have a small house so I’m constantly trying to go through clothes, get rid of clothes, and I will often do craft projects, so there’s a lot going on. If I were going to be with someone who was frustrated with my level of cleanliness and constantly getting on my case about cleaning, it would not work.

My personal hygiene is great and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t shower or brush their teeth, or someone who smelled bad.

The relationship is one thing; living in the same dwelling is another whole thing. Proceed with caution. However, once you move in together you commit to compromise and that you should do.

I have a strict limit on how much mold, bacterial slime, and dirt I can stand. Paper/junk mail clutter on the other hand…