Why do people feel the need to differentiate between their biological children and their adopted children?

Stepson or stepdaughter isn’t an adopted kid; it is the child of a previous marriage. I wouldn’t have anything to say in the matter, but I would be pretty offended if my Ex of 38 years were to refer to the children of his current wife the same way he refers to his and mine. I’ve actually never heard friends who have both children and adopted kids in the same marriage refer to then any differently. But that’s just my take on it.

Many children resent their parent’s new spouse & you’re NOT immediately accepted as a parent figure. Move too fast & you’ll hear the words “You’re not my Mom/Dad so you can’t tell me what to do.” My first hubby had a 3 y/o daughter when we got married. I felt of her as my child & I did everything to treat her as if she were born out of me. ALL my friends used the “step” reference & I NEVER liked it. I chose to not reference her connection to strangers. When introducing her, I always said -“This is <her name>.” If anyone ever said “You have a beautiful daughter.” I responded with a smile & a “thank you”.

I did eventually make her mad & I received the “I hate you…You’re not my mother & you can’t tell me what to do.” I responded with a -” Well, I’m not liking you very much today either; but I’ll ALWAYS love you whether you like me or not. It’s OK if you don’t want me to be your Mother.” She had a shocked look on her face & she left the room. When she turned 6 & in the 1st grade, she started calling me her Mother to her teacher & her friends. At that point I thanked her for promoting me to Mother & asked her if it was OK for me to start calling her my daughter. She gave me her approval & from then on out we were mother/daughter. Some kids never get to that point; so as long as you’re a stepparent, you have stepkids. I don’t see it as rude…just the situation you’re in.

I don’t know, but it seems rather hurtful. I have an adopted sister, who I’m only referring to as such for the purpose of my point. As far as I’m concerned, she’s my real sister. I don’t understand why it would be any other way.

I’m just going to share a short little story that I read one time. There were two little boys and at one point they found out that one of them was adopted. They went to their dad and asked him, which one of us was it? Which one of us did you adopt? The dad, who loved them both equally well, looked at them and said, I can’t remember.

I differentiate like that all the time. I had 3 biological children, 1 girl and 2 boys. I married a woman that had 3 biological children, 1 girl and 2 boys. If I say “my son” or “my daughter” It creates confusion. I think of all of the children as “my children” but they aren’t. And initially, some of my step children didn’t want anything to do with me. Addressing them as “my children” would have created a lot of strife. They wanted the “step” in their because they didn’t want me as part of the scene (picture angry early teens). Now they are all good with me, but it took a few years. Habits were set by that time.

One is REAL! It’s BLOOD!
The other isn’t.

@tinyfaery Can you please clarify what you mean by stepchild and adopted child? They are not the same thing as has been pointed out in the thread.

We adopted our daughter. I don’t refer to her as “adopted child”, but it’s painfully obvious. Had a few issues over the years, but don’t regret a thing.

I had a friend whose young husband was killed in Vietnam. Shortly afterward, their daughter Melanie was born. A few years later, her brother and sister-in-law were killed in an automobile accident, and my friend adopted their little girl Diane. She raised the two girls as sisters. Always she referred to them and introduced them as “my daughter Melanie” and “my younger daughter Diane,” even when they were grown women with families of their own.

I always felt that she needed to make that “real” vs. “adopted” distinction for reasons of her own, though she chose another term to disguise it. I never asked her about it, but it did seem to me to be emotionally laden. She couldn’t just say “Diane” without including “my younger daughter.” I wondered if the implicit birth authentication of Melanie was a conscious or unconscious tribute to her late husband.

@Acrylic, has the obviousness literally been painful?

@Jeruba It sounds to me like she was not making a distinction and was deliberately owning both as her children. Am I not seeing what you mean?

@Jeruba According to Cambridge Dictionary, yes.

used to emphasize a quality, action, or situation that is unpleasant or not wanted:
I am painfully aware that I have made mistakes.
It was a painfully slow trip.

@kritiper What an asinine thing to say. They’re both REAL! I’m real and I’m adopted. I have a relationship with my birth mother, but my adopted parents are Mom and Dad. She’s just the person who gave birth to me.

I can’t believe you got 2 GAs for that ignorant comment.

I have never been in this situation. I however would call them a son or daughter.

Marie Osmond used to make a point not to tell people which of her children were adopted and which were biological.

I think some children might prefer that they are introduced as step-child or adopted if they remember their bio parents in a fond way. Maybe their bio parent died when the child was old enough to have a strong bond with them. Maybe their bio parent is still alive and the kids are still with the parent a lot of the time. Some children hate when a step-parent tries to replace their parent.

I would guess most adopted children want to be referred to as daughter or son and not adopted. I would want to do whatever made my child feel secure and loved and part of the family.

A friend of mine where I live uses both step-mom and mom for his step-mother. She uses both for my friend also, step-son and son. She raised him from a young age and I think they both aren’t worried about it either way now that he’s an adult. I don’t know what they did when he was younger.

My natural inclination would be to simply call them my son or daughter.

Have you seen that clip of Marjorie Taylor Greene dismissing step parents as not real parents? Beyond horrible. https://youtu.be/1LfhFnmRP8E

Edit: I think it also matters when how old the children are. If the kids are 16 or older when the marriage happens, maybe then they are “my husband’s children” rather than a step-child. Depends on the relationship and what feels comfortable to everyone.

I can’t speak to step-children, but my daughter is adopted and I see no difference as a parent. I agree with you that it’s rude to highlight the distinction.

Problem is, IMHO, too many people focus on the biological connection. On “having a baby”. This is why so many people struggle so hard and spend so much on IVF or other biological alternatives if they can’t get pregnant the standard way. It’s all about giving birth and having the baby.

To “have to” adopt is seen as an also ran. A consolation prize by some.

My wife and I encountered a weird occurrence of this when we chose to adopt. The adoption agency placed us in a group with other perspective parents. At our first meeting, every couple shared their stories of anguish and heartbreak as they tried again and again to get pregnant with no luck. They all finally admitted defeat and decided to settle for adoption.

When we shared our story, of how we just chose to adopt and had no idea if we could get pregnant, many of the other couples became mad at us. Shocked that we wouldn’t at least try to get pregnant first. One couple asked the agency if we could be removed from the group because it was so upsetting to them that we were squandering our (presumed) ability to get pregnant.

See, I think if we all shifted our focus to the idea of “becoming a parent” instead of “getting pregnant”, the ‘how’ of it all would matter less and your children would simply be your children regardless of how you came together.

But what do I know?

“Blood lines” are really important traditionally. That is why male lions kill all the cubs of a pride they have taken over, and why only the leading male is allowed to breed at all.
That is why incest is so common among the aristocracy.

My oldest is adopted but I never make that distinction.
The funny thing is people were constantly commenting on how much we look alike!

My daughter walked past her 8 year old son’s room a while back. He was sitting on the bed fake crying.
“What’s wrong Kale?”
“I’m dopted and nobody loves me!!”

He is so funny!

I differentiate between my father and my stepfather. I think if I referred to my stepfather as my father it would cause confusion, as all of my friends and family know they are two different people.

@LadyMarissa made me tear up.

I guess adopted and step child is different, but what if they live with you full time? What if the bio parents cannot be around? There are so many scenarios where there is absolutely no reason for the specification.

I guess the kids can like whatever they like, but why the need to differentiate when they are not around unless it is pertinent to the conversation?

I asked this question because a coworker said she had to go pick up her step-daughter. Why not just say I am going to pick up my daughter? Why the need for the qualifier? To me, that’s sus and it makes me look down on her now.

Seems to me this is just a patriarchy hold over. Do we need to distinguish blood relations by nomenclature at this point?

I’ll never understand you breeding weirdos~ lol jk

@tinyfaery I guess really there is no blanket reason why one would use one or the other term, just a million different relationships and scenarios. If you are close to that colleague it might be enlightening to get into a conversation with her about it.