What do you think parents should do for their adult children?

I think it depends entirely on context. My child (mid-30s) is a responsible, compassionate person whom I trust implicitly. I help her out often, and in fact, because I have access to much lower interest loans than she does, I will be financing her house, and she will be making the payments to me. I have no doubt that this is a wise decision, and it will certainly make it easier for her.
We do for the people we love.

The children of some of my friends, however, I wouldn’t trust to buy me lunch.

It think it might vary depending on the individuals involved. A parent should help financially as long as the adult child is not spending frivolously or addicted to something where the financial help will become like a bottomless pit. If it’s a child wanting to live iwth the parent, the child should contribute if they’re working. If the child has an occasional need for a small loan,or gift and the parent can afford it, the parent should help out. If the parent can’t afford it, then no they shouldn’t put themselves in debt to help the child. That’s why I say it depends on the individuals and the circumstances.

As for babysitting, I think asking a grandparent to babysit full time is a big thing to ask. If it’s full time on an emergency basis, like if the adult child is in the hospital or on a trip, then yes. Otherwise, if the grandparent wants to and is physically able to do part time, that’s great. If the parent is unable to babysit at all due to physical limitations or an impairment like dementia, then no, of course they should not be expected to babysit and it would be a safety risk if they did.

My mom babysat for me two days a week and then we dropped it to one day, and she would often keep my daughter into the weekend. She loved my daughter and my daughter loved her. She was flexible with her time as she was retired. She and my stepfather took my daughter on vacation with them to Cape Cod. We went to Disney World and took my mom with us.

As for being there to listen, yes, I think that’s part of what a parent of any age should be willing to do.

Every child is different. My children, when they were 18, opted to move out on their own and have done great without much help. I did spend $2000 on a car for my daughter when she was struggling at one point. My stepdaughter went down the path of drugs in a big way when she was in her 20’s. We had her living with us and had to work with her to get her life turned around. She is now in her 30’s and married and still has routine talks with mom and even me just to keep in touch or to ask questions. My middle stepson is the hard one. 35 with a nursing degree, unemployed and living with us. He does help out around the house and pays minimal rent. If it were up to me I’d have him moving out or seeking help. Mom likes having him around so I’m at a bit of halt on this one.

All good answers so far and I totally agree with all of you!

My kids are in their 20s, and are for the most part financially independent. They share a car inherited from their late grandmother, but because my daughter was only 18 when she inherited it, it is in my name and on my insurance policy.

My son is moving later this year, and has asked for some assistance on moving costs. And I will help on that, but it won’t be a huge amount.

About the only big spends for my kids in the near future would be on a family vacation. My son graduates from law school in December, and he has time between the bar exam and getting the results before he would begin really working so we have talked about a trip to Europe, but it is in the early stages.

Each parent child relationship is unique just like each of us in unique.

Adult children also have different needs depending on if they are still in college or well beyond their academic years with a solid job under them.

Be there for when they have needs so you can provide guidance or assistance if they even want it. The do need to learn things on their own, even life lessons.

Most important is to maintain an open line of communication as needed.
Be there, listen and not solve issues. Listen and guide them if they want it.

Good question. For me, as we become adults, our job is to help our parents. Not for them to help us.

But a few of the siblings are still asking for financial help, taking advantage in my opinion. Can’t say or do anything though, without starting a war.

GQ. I help my kids. They are responsible and are not mooching.

When I was married, my then husband had a spending problem. He got us in debt in just 5 years. Before him, I had excellent credit and no credit cards. As we were divorcing, my company was taken over by another company and gave all of the employees half a year’s salary if we stayed. I took all of that money to pay off as much debt as i could. Anything else was put in his name. So that left me broke. I saved up 3 years to buy a house and my mom offered me the down payment. It was a significant amount, but she said I would get it as an inheritance anyway, so she wanted me to enjoy it while she was still alive.
I very much appreciated it, but I didn’t expect it, or ask for it.
Wow, that was a long story to say nothing much! Sorry.

@chyna It did say something. It often makes sense to help your kids when they need it if you have enough to leave them an inheritance.

What should they do? I think the only thing they are expected to do is love their children. Different sets of parents have different capabilities as to what they can do and it is their choice either way. That being said, most parents, as able, will help out however they can.

@KNOWITALL while my parents were still alive, I had a similar situation. My older sister rushed into a marriage (only about 2 months after meeting the guy online), and found out that he was going to do as little as possible to help her. They had three kids in four years. I know, ouch, right? My older sister also complained that her husband didn’t give her enough money for groceries or things for the babies. Of course, she had been horribly in debt before she got married and didn’t disclose that to her husband, so that probably added to the friction. Just another reason not to marry somebody before you have time to find these things out.

My parents proceeded to give her $400 a month for the next 24 years until my dad had passed away and my mom could no longer make financial decisions. I think it totaled up to something like $100,000, but I’m too lazy right now to check the math.

Many’s the time I had to bite my tongue because I saw my parents dumping so much money on her, but I know they cared about her and wanted to help.

Oh, and after they passed, and we were selling the house to divide four ways? Of course my sister wanted every bit of her share.

My parents did help me some over the years but nothing to that degree. A few times I had really big car repairs that I couldn’t have afforded on my own, but most of the time I was able to pay them back. Sometimes they told me not to worry about it.

But even now, I can’t fault my parents, even though I don’t know how I’m going to afford to live somewhere after the next 4 or 5 years based on the inheritance I got. But I know that they loved her and they were trying to do the right thing. It was just kind of hard to witness that happening.

I recently attended a zoom asking this and also asking what kids should do for their parents.

To answer your Q, I think a lot varies on the cultural norms of the family and the economical situation of the family.

I don’t think children should expect their parents to be babysitters for their grandkids, but I would expect my parents to want to be with their grandkids at least periodically and so that would wind being babysitters sometimes, but as a win win situation. If some sort of emergency happened where help was needed I would expect my parents to help. Some families it is very typical for grandparents to do a large portion of the physical caring of the children while the parents are earning a living.

I expect to be able to stay with them if I hit some sort of bad situation and needed a place to stay. Temporary, while I get myself together again. I say that regarding all family members in the nuclear family. My sister or my parents can always come to my house.

I expect parents to plan for their financial future to avoid being a big financial burden. This obviously cannot be done if you are poor.

I don’t expect any inheritance, I want my parents to enjoy their money. If there is money left at the end then yes, I would be annoyed if it went to someone else instead of me, but I don’t need all of it.

I expect my parents to not be too intrusive in my life, but to be in touch.

@LifeQuestioner Yes, sounds similar. It’s either her mom or dad, in their 80s supporting her and her child. She says things like ‘yeah not sure I want to bring the kid since I don’t have air in the car’ and all kinds of thing’s to emotionally blackmail them. She’s on some kind of speed and I straight up asked her and she said it’s ADHD meds.
It just pisses me off to be honest. She’s smart, pretty, good family and acts like she’s Paris Hilton. Sigh…

There is no should. Relationships between adult parents and children are as varied as anything imaginable.

@KNOWITALL yep. My sister’s form of emotional manipulation was her coming over to my mom’s house and crying over whatever the crisis of the week was, for which she always needed money. And for which my mom would always give her money, on top of what she was giving her every month. Oh, and they refused to get health insurance, even though two of their kids have mental health issues, so of course every time we turned around, she had the flu or some such thing and needed money to go to clinic of some sort. She was a bit of a hypochondriac though, and she likes attention.

This question hits too close to home at the moment.

@filmfann <3

@LifeQuestioner I did the math for you. It’s 4800 a year and 115,200. total after 24 years.

@filmfann Hugs

Thanks, @jca2. Yeah, I knew it was up around there.

One thing we learned with my stepdaughter is that kids, especially adult kids, that are hooked on drugs have to be treated differently. As a parent of that child, the more you try to help, the worse it will get. That situation almost always comes down to either (a) the child overdoses and dies, (b) the parent finally can’t do it either financially or emotionally anymore and tells the child they have to go…no more help. If the story gets to (b), that path has 2 endings. Either the child dies or the child gets clean. This is not how you would think parenting has to be, but it really is.

Love them. Otherwise, as little as possible.
The best thing I ever did for my children was to not have them.

I helped my daughter through university and helped a little when she bought her house. I helped my son with the deposit for his house. I preferred to help them with any spare cash I had rather than spend it on myself.

I consider myself fortunate to have been born when I was as I grew up with affordable housing, rising income and a decent pension. In the UK that is no longer the case with very highly priced housing and rapidly rising interest rates and reduced pensions. It made sense to me to share some of my good fortune with them.

I wasn’t thinking about school originally, but now that it’s mentioned I do expect parents to help pay for college.

As I mentioned before, I realize some people don’t have the means to do it, but if you have a brand new BMW in your garage and drink a Starbuck’s coffee every day, then I would say you can help your children get an education.

I see college as part of a parent’s obligation if at all possible; I was thinking about adult children, after college.

@JLeslie my parents didn’t have the means to pay for our college education, but then they didn’t have a fancy car and they didn’t go to Starbucks either. But back when I went to school, it was a lot more reasonably priced. I had a full scholarship the first year and a partial scholarship the second year. And by then I had been working part-time enough that I could keep up with the cost myself.

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