Would you even call the employer back?

Call your sister and ask her what she wants you to say to the employer. That’s what I would do.

Don’t be a dick. Help.

I’d just not call them back. Call her and ask her why she never told you she was putting your name down, and that next time she needs to discuss it with you first.

@jca2 yeah, that’s pretty much what I’m going to do, is not call them back. One, it makes me uncomfortable, because I’m not going to lie to the person. And if I owned a business and my sister applied, I would not hire her. She has a very short fuse and one time physically showed me when I was living at my mom’s taking care of her and she was trying to do something that my mom didn’t want her to do. I was blocking her from doing so and she shoved me. Not only that, but she’s got some mental health issues, I feel, so I don’t feel right giving a reference. So I guess I’ll just be a dick, as @filmfann says.

But she definitely should have asked me first. I don’t even feel comfortable giving a job reference because I’ve never done that before and I don’t know anything about the job she’s applying for.

Yeah, I would. Personally, I get along with my sisters and could easily say honest and kind things about them. But even if I didn’t like them much, I’d still want them to have work. You know your sister best. Maybe she’s wealthy and just looking for a side gig – in which case saying nothing would be fine. But if she’s struggling, like so many people right now, missing out on the chance to help a family member would not align with my values. Depending on where you are, being employed could be the difference between getting a fatal illness treated or not. It’s unsafe not to be employed, as opposed to merely inconvenient.

Being a family member does not necessarily mean you can’t provide a reference. And shoving you, her sister, while awful for you, does not mean that she’s a threat to the public. It doesn’t sound like she has diagnosed mental health issues, but she’d need a job in that case, too! Many minor mental health issues can make people short-tempered. Mild depression, grief, burnout, anxiety, etc. If we excluded everyone with mental health problems from the job market, society would collapse.

You say that you don’t know anything about the job. For all you know, she’d be transcribing old documents from home, only interacting with her employer once a week for a quick phone call. Maybe she’d work as a gardener in the local cemetery, and that peaceful work ends up helping her heal from the mental health issues. There are lots of jobs like that. And if you still have concerns after finding out what the job is (being around guns, drugs, or violence should probably be reserved for our most stable people), you can just say goodbye and hang up.

By the way: I wouldn’t be so sure that she knowingly put you down as a reference. I’ve had to provide siblings’ names on job application forms before. I thought it was extremely weird, but some hiring processes are very strange. If she did mean to make you her reference, though, that’s a compliment! It means she trusts you.

Providing a reference is really not such a big deal. It’s not like being vetted to serve on the Supreme Court. In all likelihood, you’ll be talking to the guy for just a few minutes. She almost certainly had to put down other people as professional references, and you might be the “personal” one, just somebody from her social circle who can verify that she’s reliable and hard-working, or whatever she’s claimed. If there’s anything nice you can say about her, that could be very valuable in this situation.

I’d call the sister back first, straighten things out there, then be helpful as a reference as best I could.

Call your sister. Get the story. Tell your sister that you’re not an appropriate reference because you’re her sister. Call the employer back and say that you’re her sister and your reference is likely not valid and to get another reference from your sister.

If your sister can’t be bothered to tell you about these things, I get the impression that you are not very close (and from other things you’ve said, as well) so I don’t feel that even calling her to clarify is necessary. You don’t owe her anything to do with this at all, simply because of shared DNA. And you would not at all be at fault, or a jerk, if you don’t call the employer back.

If you want t9 do this, by all means, do, but if you are ambivalent, then don’t.

I would not bother, given the circumstance as you describe it.

Don’t be petty and overthink things. Unless there is estrangement going on you always help family because, well, they are family.
I would call the sister back and line up the story. Mention politely that it would help to get things understood first. Then call back.

Damn, I haven’t seen my sister in like 5 years, she has never liked me and made a lot of my childhood worse than it already was, and even I would do this for her.

YTA
Kinda knew that already, though.

Why ask us? Call your sister, firstly to be sure the call was legit, and secondly to discuss her using you as a reference. I think it would be completely irresponsible for you to discuss a person with a caller unknown to you and with no heads up from the sister.

Since you don’t feel comfortable giving her a reference, I’d just not call them back. If your reference is vital in their decision, they will call you again. I have filled out job applications where they ask for personal references that are NOT family & I’ve had a few that asked for BOTH personal & family. Very few ask for references from people you formerly worked with instead they call the company & talk to the former supervisor. I would mention to sis that I expect a heads up of she expects a good reference so I have time to get my thoughts together as I don’t like being blindsided!!!

Why are you supposed to be a reference? Are you her former employer? Does she expect you to pretend to be her former employer?

@ragingloli I’m not sure. I think that was one of the things that bothered me about the whole thing, along with the fact that she didn’t bother to ask if she could put me down, let alone just letting me know. I have used family members as references in the past, usually when I’ve worked with them, although not for them, in a common role. So when I was applying for an organist job a number of years ago, I put my brother down because my very first organist job some 30 years ago was playing the organ at the church where he was pastor. In this case I felt like it was relevant to put him down as a reference, because he could attest to how I had done in that role.

@LadyMarissa I didn’t call them back, and they haven’t called me back. And it did occur to me, as somebody had mentioned further up in the comments, that maybe it wasn’t the company calling. It could have been a scam or something, because I don’t remember them saying where they were calling from or anything.

^^ I had thought about the SCAM angle as well & just didn’t express it. That could be a good lead in as to WHY you want a heads up when she puts you down as a reference. You don’t want to be giving out her personal info to strangers & you won’t be giving it out unless she tells you in advance to be expecting a call!!!