What would you do in this situation?

If I wanted to visit with the out-of-towners I would. You don’t have to discuss what you do with the local family members. If they find out and question you just say “this is why.” It is actually no one’s business. Admittedly I have a very small family and we just have none of this kind of drama and I’m pretty sure I could not deal with it at all.

“I don’t keep secrets for other people”.

I would say, “you are welcome to visit, and I won’t be inviting Auntie Em and Uncle Joe, but I will let them know you were here.”

They are putting you in a difficult spot when they (and the local erlatives) are the ones that need to repair the relationship.

Oh, that sucks. This sort of thing happens in my husband’s family a lot.

It’s an impossible situation. I probably would tell her “I’m not going to keep it a secret, because I’m with the other relatives all the time and it feels like a lie by omission.” Even with that, you have to decide whether to tell the others that she’s coming into town, but not going to see everyone.

I guess you can say nothing to anyone, and then after the fact mention she stopped by as a last minute thing?

Can you meet her somewhere for lunch? Would that be easier to explain away? Maybe not. Just thinking out loud.

It’s impossible to handle it perfectly.

I guess my main point is if someone figures it out she can’t expect you to outright lie about it. Everyone knows the argument happened so they hopefully understand why she chose not to see everyone. Still, feelings might get hurt.

I would suggest a Zoom meeting.

In Canadian Thanksgiving 2000. I was invited to a dinner with my family, and I stated that I would not show if my dad was invited. He showed up and groped me in front of my friend. I did not know what to do.

I stopped taking to them for 10 years for the breach of trust/boundary issues.

My dad died 1 year ago and I only talk to my mom and one of my sisters. Most of my family contacts are dead. With no connection to other cousins, uncles ect.

@zenvelo You hit it on the head, it makes me feel horrible. I think i’ll call my uncle and just let him deal with his wife who caused the drana.
But my friends say just to keep my mouth shut. I’m very torn.

I would keep it to myself.
Not everything has to be public knowledge.
And if the locals find out just say “since there was a kerfufel last time , I didn’t think you all would want to know she was here.”
Don’t apologize, don’t let them make you feel bad about your choice of guests.

@chyna Ugh okay I will keep it to myself this time.

If it bites me in the ass, I’ll lose my besty (the drama lady who was wrong last time and admitted it) and my uncle who is close as a brother. Just a lot at risk and I hate feeling like I’m being deceptive with people I love.

But wouldn’t it look like you are making a big deal out of it if you called to tell them that Bertha is coming?
“Hey Besty, just a heads up, but Bertha is coming in.”
“Hey Uncle Joe, just to let you know, Bertha is coming in.”
Doesn’t it feel that this sort of conversation opens it up to be gossip, complaint session about Bertha? And then you have to spend the weekend with her knowing you listened to complaints.
Just my 2 cents.
(Names have been changed to protect the innocent)

@KNOWITALL Will your local relatives be hurt they weren’t invited?

It’d depend on the specifics, and what I thought was reasonable or not about the expectations of the two parties.

Such as, do I have an obligation to tell the local people about the visit? Why?

If I had a good solid answer yes to that, then I’d tell them. If not, I wouldn’t.

If it’s just “local person dislikes visitor and would want to know so they can cause another stink, and they might get mad at me (for no justifiable reason) if they find out they came through and I didn’t tell them”, then I’d think that person was an unjustified troublemaker and probably try to avoid dealing with them in any case.

If instead it’s that the local person has a reason to be alarmed the visitor in in town, and should be warned to prevent the visitor causing serious trouble, then I’d warn the visitor them it’d be best if they stay away from the local, and maybe offer to meet them in a different nearby town, instead.

But I don’t know the details, which may be more complex.

So I broke down and called my uncle. He said he is not hurt and appreciated me telling him. He also said if he had found out afterwards he’d have been upset.

So we will keep the phone call between us and leave the other two ladies in peace.
It just was too much for me to risk losing the close relationships locally.

That’s good. You shouldn’t have the burden of holding onto that information like it’s a secret.

I lost my best friend when she asked me to lie to her fiance about seeing her ex. I was with her so when the fiance asked me to my face, how could I lie to him? We were all close.
It’s just one of those thing’s for me I can’t seem to shake. When in doubt, just be honest and let the chips settle where they fall. Idk.

The person visiting shouldn’t ask you to lie.

You can’t avoid it either way, this is why some people cut petty people out of their life.

Toxic people get really upset when you try to separate yourself, because misery loves company and they need someone to bring down with them.

Honesty is the best policy. I don’t lie for others.

Just curious, do your in-laws have to be there? Are you planning a party and they would be invited? Or are they very local and stop by frequently?

If they don’t have to be there, don’t invite them. It doesn’t sound like you are having a party so that really isn’t an issue.

If the in-laws just stop by frequently, you could just tell them your friends are coming. Bring it up in conversation if possible. You could even bring up the fact that there was a dust up the last time they were here. Don’t lay blame on the in-laws (even though they were the source of the strife) but just do it to remind them of who these visitors are. It would also let them know that you still remember the strife.

I would also suggest not pulsing the jellies on Fluther. Your in-laws mean your spouse needs to be involved in the conversation. Let him know of your fears. In the end, it is your (your family’s) home. Not your in-law’s. If you want to have visitors over, that is your prerogative. If your in-laws don’t like the people they can either not be there or they can respect your home and your visitors.

This is all family on my moms side. My uncle and his wife, then my other uncle’s daughter who is visiting.
My uncles wife got into it with my visiting cousin last trip, so my cousin just wants to avoid them this visit. And she has a teenager with her who’s been through a lot.

Both my uncles wife and my cousin have a touch of mental illness, which I think exacerbates the situation.

I adore them both, but ya know, women can be a lot of emotion and hormones. Add a mental illness and I just do the best I can and get out quick!! :)

It seems like a lose/lose situation. You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t. I’m glad it worked out ok, with your uncle understanding and now you don’t have to tell the ladies.

Family drama can be messy. We have a small family and we used to have drama. So much drama. Now there are just a few of us and we try to lay low and just enjoy who we enjoy.

Then I fall back on the idea that it is your house. You don’t have to have them both there at the same time. And, as the host, you have every right to call out rudeness when it first rears it’s ugly head. If they were there and anything started, just nip it in the bud. Use previous interaction results as a reason if you like. Tell them you don’t want any of that or they can leave.

@seawulf575 I agree. It never works to dance to family drama. If you do, there will be a next time, and it will be worse.

@seawulf575 The cousin visiting is coming by to get family heirlooms from me. I’m not getting any younger. Then we’ll go have the famous Springfield Cashew chicken, maybe hit Bass Pro. It’ll be fine.

@KNOWITALL Sounds fun. And you aren’t that old. I’m far older than you and I have decades yet to go!

If you having dinner with your family member causes “issues” with other members then that’s not your problem. It’s the problem of the other members who are playing a childish game. Don’t play their game. If you do, then you lose.

@seawuld575 Yeah but she has kids, just getting it done early. We’ve acquired a lot over the years as family has passed on. I an OCD and want my space back!!

@KNOWITALL I understand the OCD thing. I got tired of my garage having a narrow path through the middle of it to allow passage. I recently took on the effort of cleaning it out. I now have all sorts of open space, have dealt with the mice that had decided we offered free room and board, and now have an exercise room out there. If I could get my wife to boot her son out of the house, I’d have an extra bedroom and a large chunk of my shed cleared.

Sounds like you need to adopt a good cat. I have zero mice, snakes, moles or voles.
Gym sounds great!!
How is the kid? I hear a lot are staying home longer now. My male cousins are all under 25 and all still live with parents. Mine said he’s priced out of any decent rentals, even with a roomate, a pilot. The other is saving money for a house and bought his first new car. The third is a dual citizen and living in Japan for the first time since childhood, thinking about staying to be an English teacher. Staying with his mom’s mother and family.
Js I think your situation is fairly normal for that generation. :)

Way back in the day I had a cat that would have done the job. He had huge ears and opposable thumbs. Killed mice, moles, voles, snakes, rabbits, squirrels….even 2 ermine. I didn’t even know we had ermine in the area and he killed them. Can’t have cats now as the Mrs. is allergic.

As for the kid? That is a long and depressing story. He moved in with us in September with the understanding he was moving out in January. That September was about 5–6 years ago. We still haven’t figured out which January he meant. He has a degree as a Nurse Practitioner, isn’t working, has all sorts of issues, and is generally just The Thing That Takes Up My Spare Room. He is going to turn 37 this year. My feeling is that booting him out on his butt would be the right thing. Mom doesn’t agree. So we are at an impasse.

@seawulf575 My brother in law tried that awhile in my MIL’s rental. Once she bo9ted him he really got it together. Good luck.