Did I win this argument?

Ummm….neither of you won. You parted the conversation snapping at each other and nothing was resolved. Might want to look at why you are in competition with him on things as minor as this.

You win, but it doesn’t matter. I try to not use God’s name in vain when around believers.

Sorry for the brutal weather! I have a lot if friends in a deep freeze right now. Yuck.

You did win that round. Non-Christians don’t have a Christian credo to violate. At most they might be being inconsiderate to some nearby easily-upset Christians.

There are a number of meaningless invectives we sometimes use when we are letting off steam – good grief, aye caramba, shazam, holy moly, sacre bleu. SInce you are a non-believer, invectives with a religious meaning are a part of that list, so you technically won the argument, but in the interest of keeping the peace in your household it may be a good idea to refrain from using such expressions.

I try not to cuss outside of the house. It’s so crass and ugly.

@LostInParadise, I’m not really the one who.needs to learn to keep the peace here. I mostly refrain from reacting but sometimes it’s like “Well Goddamm it! You want an argument you got one!” I swear he likes arguing. I hate it.

We’ve just been cooped up and cranky.

I’m with @seawulf575 on this one.

My advice: do something kind and unexpected for your husband.

Alternative expletives:

Holy Moley!
Bruh!
Jumpin’ Jehosaphat!
Cream Cheese!
Kelly Clarkson!

Rick didn’t get offended by using “Jesus” as an expletive. He does it himself, all the time. He was just picking a fight.

Women cannot lose arguments. Especially in a marriage.

@MrGrimm888 They lose arguments all the time, know it, yet continue to argue, knowing that their man will be hobbled by the need to make sense.

I apologize when it’s called for…which is rarely. He’s more emotional than I am and is liable to throw angry nonsense out very loudly and aggressively.

Maybe he’s lonely.

Or maybe that’s the environment he grew up in and that’s the only dance he knows so he’s comfortable with it.

@Dutchess_III That too. I grew up in that, and the dance is part of being engaged and connected. So, I’m projecting a little, but also trying to give some possible insight. The problem is, it is true that people who are accustomed to that have trouble breaking that habit, but sometimes if they are more aware why they are starting a fight they can choose another way.

The problem is Rick absolutely idolized his father…who drank too much and got belligerent on a daily basis.

^^I didn’t have the alcohol component in my family. That maybe makes it more complicated. Nor idolizing people as perfect.

If you can stay calm when he’s screaming it might help. If you shut down and do a silent treatment (I’m not assuming you do that) it will make things worse. The best I think is to let him know he was heard and if you can change the topic so you are still both engaged. It’s an anger issue obviously, I know you know. He has in his mind how you should behave or what you should or shouldn’t say, and shoulds are often part of uncontrolled anger, but hurt is below the anger.

But, I’m making assumptions that might not apply to your situation.

I would try firmly saying “You better stop the yelling and screaming.”

@jca2 He’d yell ”OR WHAT??!!”
He’d see it as a challenge. After 20 years I know how to control the man. He’s much more thoughtful, too.

If I could just get him to see his father as a human being with good and bad traits, and not some super hero to be emulated in every aspect.

At least you didn’t call him a “M-F S-O-B!”

That is correct @Blackwater_Park .
Logic is important for males. Not required, for females.

I think though, Dutch’s last response was well stated.

It would likely only hurt Rick, if she were to take away his hero.
Making people aware that their heroes are fallible, should not steal the varnish of his father. If he can grasp the concept, I’m very proud of Dutch trying to keep Rick’s feelings in mind while they navigate this issue.

I agree that you should bring up his yelling Dutch. Maybe by saying it hurts your feelings, instead of ,like you said challenging him.

Good luck Dutch. You always find a way to handle things well. Hopefully, you can improve your quality of life with some productive conversation.

@Dutchess_III If you don’t yell at him, you could say “You need to be respectful. I don’t yell at you, so I expect you to keep it down.” If you do yell at him, then I don’t know what advice to give.

I normally don’t yell. I rationalize….he don’t like that either but he usually subsides into angry grumbling.
The last several months have been hard on us though.

@Dutchess_III When he subsides into angry grumbling, what do you think…that you won the argument? Have you considered that many men will bite back on their views in an effort to not totally bury you, to escalate the debate into anger, to avoid saying things that will hurt?

When a man subsides into angry grumbling, he isn’t saying you are right, he’s suppressing because he doesn’t want to escalate. But that suppression means his feelings are still there without an outlet (since you have obviously shut him down). Ever consider his feelings at all? Or are you just trying to win arguments?

I’m just glad he isn’t snarling and shouting anymore. His yelling is a threat is that he’s going to turn violent (which he never has…even when I’ve gotten back in his face which is rare! I’m not stupid!)
Grumbling means that threat is probably gone. I feel relief. That’s all I feel @seawulf575.

@Dutchess_III My point is that how he deals with these arguments isn’t coming to a resolution on them. Therefore they are likely stewing in there. I’d be willing to be they arguments are getting more frequent and over more minor things. One thing that can be done immediately is to listen to his side. Don’t defend your actions or anything like that…just try to understand why he is upset. He might need psychological help, or you might. I’d really suggest couples counselling for both of you. Before it continues to escalate.

He has a very low threshold for frustration. He seems to have 2 emotions: pissed and not pissed. He’s also hard of hearing.
He’s 70 years old. That generation doesn’t do counseling. Not happening. He’d get pissed if I suggested it!
He does eventually process the things I say.
We’re on our own. We’re ok. Well be better when we get the shit cleared out of the house and get rooms painted and, God forbid, actually finish them! I work on it a little more every day until my feet give out!

I’d say you both lost based on “I grudgingly accepted atheism in about 2007, thanks to an atheist Jew dude I befriended online”.

I think if you need reassurance from us, that: A. You are way too invested in such a small argument. B. You don’t really think you won the argument. C. From what you describe, it sounds like you’re constantly nitpicking in a way that reassures yourself and also takes small stabs at him, which is annoying beyond belief. You probably don’t even realize you’re doing it. So, I think I would approach things differently if this describes what is going on. The dead giveaway is the low grumbling and disengagement. The problem could possibly be you, and if it is, it’s important that you realize it.

Are you saying you disapproved of my being an atheist @Forever_Free?

I just found it an interesting juxtaposition,
@Blackwater_Park, which is why I brought it up. I wasn’t looking for marital advice.