If someone (me) loaned a relative $10,000 20 years ago and they haven't paid it back, should I bring it up now?

Have they paid any of it back?

Did they ever bring it up with you? What were the conditions of the loan?

Forget about it. Your relative did. The chances of you getting repaid are nil at this point. Your relative made no attempt to repay you. Your relative has no style. You’ve been taken advantage of. Your relative has used you like a door mat.

Good health to you. Stay strong.

@gorillapaws We had a written contract with payments and they made the first few, but then had a medical emergency with a child, and it was never mentioned again.

Oh, wait, it was mentioned a few years later, when she suggested it could be paid back out of her inheritance, but her parents lived out all their savings.

I bet they put it off, then life happened and they forgot.

I would imagine that you’ve got a legal right to ask that it be paid back, but if you do, you can expect a very damaged relationship between you.

I don’t think the loan was forgotten. If I were you I would say something along the lines of ‘it’s been a long time but I really would like for you to repay that loan from 20xx’

1) $10,000 20 years ago is easily $20k now.
2) If they haven’t paid you back by now, they won’t.
3) If you ask for it back now, they’ll think much less of you. They will forget the goodwill you got for ever loaning them money.

I have 2 questions:
1) Would that money make a big difference in your life? Do you need it now?
2) Would that money make a big difference in your relative’s life? Does she need it now?
Answers:
1) No, 2) Yes: Let her keep it and consider it charity. Adjust your will to make things fair.
1) Yes, 2) No: Definitely ask her about it.
1) No, 2) No: She has shown her true colors. Make sure your will is adjusted accordingly.
1) Yes, 2) Yes: Definitely ask here about it. See if she can work out a plan. Maybe she can do some work for you.

Exactly what @LuckyGuy said.

My Dad had a policy: Never lend anyone money, give it to them. If they give it back when they can, great. If not, adjust your attitude toward them in whatever way makes you the most comfortable.

My rule for money and family members is 1. Never borrow from family 2. Never “loan” to family but “gift” to family in reasonably small amounts. I would consider it a math equation, do you need the money more than you value the relationship with this family member?

I was raised in a family that said if you can’t afford to give it to them, don’t loan it to them. Also, if the bank won’t loan it to them, just say NO!!! Unless you have a true “need” for that money, I’d let it go. You could probably enforce the contract, but you’d definitely ruin the relationship. I would have given them a grace period after the medial emergency, but then began asking after a respectable length of time. She knows she owes you the money & she may or may not feel guilty. Tapping into that guilt can bring on hostility!!!

I’m going to assume the loan was not to a parent or your children or grandchildren. Any of these relations I wouldn’t ask for the money back or make a loan to begin with, it would be a gift, except in some sort of very specific circumstance.

We once loaned $15k to a family member and wrote up a few sentences on a paper stating the minimum payment each month to pay it back. No interest. We bothered to write it on paper, because we knew the family member sucked at paying debts. We gave them the money because his spouse seemed to have integrity with debt.

I told my husband if they don’t pay it back I will NEVER give them money again, but I also won’t change my relationship with them. His family tends to cut people off and estrange themselves, I didn’t want to do that.

Most jellies say the person you loaned the money to probably doesn’t remember they owe you. I think they do. They probably think you have plenty of money, and decided you don’t need the money to make themselves feel justified in taking your money.

If the money won’t make a big difference in your life, since it has been so long, probably don’t say anything, but I have to admit I can understand when the right opportunity came up I can see saying, “are you ever going to pay me back the money you owe me?” That might not be the best way to handle it though.

Does the person have the money to pay you back? Is he traveling, eating out, buying new clothes, buying expensive cars? That would annoy me. Since you ask the Q I assume it bothers you a little that the money wasn’t paid back. If he works hard and barely can live check to check I would leave it be.

It would have been better to say something a long time ago. That’s the biggest obstacle I think, the amount of time that has gone by.

You could ask indirectly through someone who knew about the loan. In our situation it was my husband’s mom who asked us to do the loan. Since she brokered the deal, we might have let her know if it wasn’t paid back and let her go to the person to tell him to pay up for the sake of the family. Not sure that is good advice though. Complicated games in the family can be destructive.

Twenty years is a long time and I wouldn’t mention it again. If your relative brings it up then well and good but I would consider the money lost and a lesson learned.

Brainstorming: You could give them a little white lie and say that X has come up and you could use the money, that you hadn’t said anything sooner because…fill in the blank…but your circumstances have changed. Or not say anything about mentioning it sooner. Or say you hadn’t said anything sooner because you figured if you really needed it that they’d pay all or some of it back.

I think that unfortunately, if you ask for the money back, it’s going to change your relationship with the person at this point. If you need the money, by all means ask for it, you have every right to. If you value the relationship more, then don’t ask for it. I agree with someone above who stated that if I were you and I saw this relative with fancy luxury purchases, it might annoy me and make me feel resentful.

I think the optimal time to discuss this would have been right away, as soon as they stopped paying in the first place.

We had some friends that borrowed much less from us with a promise to pay it back ASAP. We never saw a dime. But they did have money over the next couple years to go to Germany for a few weeks, take vacations around the US, get new toys for themselves, etc. When we brought it up, they seemed surprised like they didn’t remember they borrowed it. They finally admitted they did borrow it and promised to pay it back. But never did. They drifted out of our lives and we never had dealings with them again.

The call is really yours. If you need the money, bring it up. If you are okay with them borrowing it and agreeing to terms and then ignoring it, then don’t. I’m the sort of person that I will do whatever I can to help friends and family. But if they screw me over, that tells me they don’t view me the same way. My own daughter is a perfect example. We paid for her to go to Dental Assistant school. She promised to pay us back. Made one payment. I co-signed on a loan for a car for her and again, she made one payment. I had to pay for both of those things. She wasn’t doing anything to make her life better (worse in fact) and she figured she would just keep sponging off us. When she needed another car I told her I would not buy her one nor would I co-sign on a loan. I cited previous examples as the reasons. Basically, I didn’t trust her anymore. That struck home. She eventually got herself turned around and we are back to being on solid terms again…but she had to earn trust instead of just having it given.

You wouldn’t be the one ruining the terms. Decide what your boundaries are and act accordingly.

Thanks for the responses. I don’t need the money, so I’ll just consider it a gift and let it be.

I recently gave someone a semi-significant amount of money. She said she would pay me back when she can. I told her to not pay me back, but to pay it forward. Some day she will encounter someone who needs helps, and I would want her to help if she could.