Should I have not ordered dessert? Read details.

Eating in a restaurant is a whole different thing, as everyone there will order what they want and have different tastes. I would likely not order a heavy meal and glorpy dessert if I knew it would make my friend uncomfortable, but I would certainly not restrict myself uncomfortably.

Same with alcohol. If I really want a glass of wine, in public, in a restaurant, while dining with an alcoholic friend, I would have one, unless they specifically ask me not to. Mostly it doesn’t come up, I don’t really care, but I am not responsible for the decisions of others, as long as I don’t behave in an over-the-top way about it.

This is not a reflection on your actions. In the case you outlined, I would likely go without dessert.

I wouldn’t have ordered it, but that’s not to say I shouldn’t. Personally, I think the friend shouldn’t have said what he did. He should realize that it’s not up to anyone else to look out for his diet. If he can’t handle people eating tempting things in front of him, he shouldn’t be eating out with them, or maybe at all.

@smudges Well, it is his restaurant!

@Hawaii_Jake Yes, I agree. I think next time, I won’t have dessert there.

I would support my friend and indulge later. It’s hard to decline when you’re a recovering food addict, like any other drug.

Nothing to beat yourself up over, but I would have skipped the dessert and picked up some ice cream on the way home if I was craving it. You guys had talked about it beforehand and he essentially gave you permission, but I also think he was sending you polite signals that he would have preferred you not to eat dessert in front of him, without outright telling you not to.

I’m sure things will work out fine, but I think you’re smart to skip the dessert in the future.

I wouldn’t have ordered any desert. Same if it was alcohol. Frankly it’s a ot easier for the person with the problem to forgo the treat. If the person with the problem has difficulty it may gravitate to not going out at all which would make the problem even worse. Show some support, it’s easier for you than it is for them.

You are not responsible for his diet. Eat what you want. Relax and enjoy your food.

If it’s his restaurant, he’s already around the food.

When I quit smoking, I didn’t get upset if someone I was with decided to smoke. Yes, this was when you could still smoke inside many establishments. I even had some friends (shipmates) try to get me to have one, knowing I had quit. Yes, that was a dickhead move, but it was my habit to kick. I took a certain pride in not having the proffered cigarettes and I got the joy of calling them assholes. But others, that were just smoking, didn’t bother me.

Your friend knew you were going to a restaurant. He obviously had it in his mind of how he wanted to eat…lightly. His comment to you sounded more like a joke than a serious request for you to forego your dessert. His diet is not your responsibility. I wouldn’t go overboard, oohing and aahing about how delicious it was and make a big production of eating it, but ordering it is totally up to you.

@seawulf575 is totally correct.

@janbb I forgot it was his restaurant when I responded. But imo he was even more off-base since he’s around food/desserts all of the time.

@smudges Got it.

Don’t beat yourself up over this.
I probably would have skipped dessert, but my (limited) understanding of the injectables is that they decrease hunger urges, not increasing metabolism.

You have no responsibility here and to “beat yourself up” is silly, almost to the point of looking for something about yourself to condemn. I think you are a very nice person, but I give you my true opinion here.

I personally wouldn’t order dessert in those circumstances. But on the other hand – just how good are those desserts?

@SnipSnip I didn’t.

Your such a nice person, for thinking about it.
I do think that it’s possible your order, affected the man’s decision.
As nicely as I can say; are you responsible for everyone’s health? Of course not.

I do think, if I were you, I’d forgo dessert next time, with that person.

But. What if you get hit by a bus, moments later? Then you probably would have rather had one last dessert…..

I have an obese friend. He’s always had weight problems, even when we were kids.
He doesn’t always order a lot if stuff, on public. But whenever we’re about to go our separate ways, he orders food for delivery.
He has tried multiple times, to address his weight. He has a LOT of excess weight, and it’s really tough I think, staying the course of diet and exercise.
If he lost 200 lbs, he’d still be pretty overweight. He’s pretty tall, only several inches shorter than me. So, he’s not disabled by all that mass. But. As we get older, it scares me. I never mention his weight, and it’s not like he’s unaware of it.

I always support him, when he’s on one of his diet and exercise phases. I mainly try to get him to stop smoking and/or dipping.
He doesn’t drink as much as he used to. He mainly just smokes weed. Nothing crazy, just casual use. I think he drank a lot of calories, when drinking alcohol.

You’re a good friend @janbb , don’t ever change. :)

I wouldn’t order dessert, but I rarely order dessert in a restaurant so it’s easy for me to say that. I think it’s nice to make it easier on your friend, and that you thought of it, even if you didn’t do it this time.

For me, it’d depend on the person, my relationship with them, and what they’re saying about the situation.

If he asked for support, I’d support him if that worked for me, or I’d say lets meet for coffee instead. In this case, in my mind, I’d take a moment to give him the option of leaving the table before dessert. If he was desperate and had a pattern of expressing one thing and doing another, I might not order dessert in front of him, but I’d also drastically pare down dinners together.

I have an alcoholic person in my friend circle. He asked me if I’d go play paddleball, and for him it would be about a doing a distracting, non-drinking activity. If I’m going to play paddleball, I’ll want to play competitively, and I probably wouldn’t enjoy playing half-assed to babysit an alcoholic who’s also not that close a friend. I said no.

^Wow. I have no words.

Forty years ago I worked in a department with over 110 people as a supervisor (one of the other supervisors told me he stopped drinking alcohol). We had many retirement parties a year at a steakhouse. We all paid for the retirees meal and drinks. . . my non-drinking friend was needing a drink, I bought his and one other person at the table their drinks, mine was Scotch on the rocks, the other was a Manhattan and my friend a “Shirley Temple” extra cherries. He thanked me several times!

@Hawaii_Jake Yeah, I started and stopped typing a response to that post. smh. ]

Even entrees can be tempting. If someone on a diet orders a salad and the friend orders lasagna and eats the bread and butter, I mean it’s still maybe depressing for the person on the diet.

I really like not meeting up for a meal if I’m trying to be healthier. Just eating in restaurants makes me fatter.

@KNOWITALL Don’t conflate being on medication to lose weight with an eating disorder. I do not have an eating disorder bu I am on Wegovy to reduce weight. And please don’t anyone draw a similarity to sobriety. Sobriety is a much more complicated condition.

Wegovy and similar medications increase the feeling of being “full” and also reduce cravings to snack or eat desserts. But they do not eliminate the desire for a dessert. When prescribed, the patient is advised to order or serve oneself a smaller portion, and if they really want dessert, to order a smaller portion of that.

@janbb You did nothing wrong; it is up to the patient to determine how they address the issue.

@Hawaii_Jake & @Caravanfan, I was providing information relevant to the question. but if you feel so strongly and want to carry the message to someone who enjoys largely inane and one-sided conversations and won’t do AA because he doesn’t want to give up his daily pot habit, please send me your number.

@kevbo1 I’ll bet you’re fun at parties.

I’ve drank several Shirley Temple’s, in the past couple years. People usually buy them for me, as a joke. But I like them.

I don’t know how cool I look, drinking them. But. I still have the appearance of a Viking, so it’s hard to emasculate me.

If people don’t address it with a joke, it’s weird. Some old friends, still are not sure how to behave around me, as far as drinking.

After my journey with alcohol, I have not even been slightly tempted to drink. Even rubbing alcohol, reminds me of my worst days drinking warm vodka all day and night…

I think I’m still fun, at parties.
Although. I have not really been to a big booze-athon, in years.

I realized that my history as a bouncer, makes me a less than willing sober driver. But. I gladly drive people home, if they can’t afford an Uber.
I owe my community, a great debt. I used to drive around, drunk way too often. I got way better in my 30’s, but in my 20’s, I was a menace. I feel like driving drunks home, is like good for my karma.