[NSFW] Am I wrong to feel this way?

Perhaps it’s your or your partner’s inexperience or being on the spectrum, or your asexuality. We can’t know that.

What I and other adults have experienced is anything from a mental & physical connection that’s not only spiritual but also erotic.
As your partner learns what you enjoy, you are doing the same exact thing. That is what makes it better and deepens intimacy.

First, if you don’t want to have sex, you shouldn’t have sex. Period. Full Stop.

You mentioned being asexual, so I’m not sure if you ever engage in masturbation or have ever experienced an orgasm (I’m certainly not asking you to disclose such details) but that would be a clue as to how sex registers for you. Orgasms are powerful rewards in our brains, and they’ve evolved that way to incentivize people to procreate, so it makes sense that they’re strong motivators for our behavior. If you’ve never experienced an orgasm then I can see why you’re underwhelmed by human sexuality.

As to the intimacy/erotic aspect, to riff on @KNOWITALL‘s accurate description, I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen couple’s ice skating or ballroom dancing and been enthralled by the syncopation and the way the two move together without words. There’s a kind of magic and poetry in it, and sex can be like that sometimes with the right partner/circumstances. It can also be pretty ridiculous with queefs and laughs and two humans just trying to cross the finish line so they can release and then curl up for a nice snuggle.

There’s no end to the variety. And there’s no right/wrong as long as everybody is a consenting adult.

There’s no right or wrong – how you feel is how you feel. But maybe leave the door open to the idea that maybe sexual pleasure and intimacy are something worth exploring as you move through life and relationships. Or even explore your own body.

How you feel is how you feel and there’s no need to force a change. When/if you find the right person, I suspect you’ll GET it. Until then, accept and respect the feelings you have. I lost my virginity when I was 15 to a guy I didn’t even know, so for years I, too, thought, what’s the big fuckin’ deal?!

Then I met someone special and it was like…“OHHHH, okay!”

Reread @gorillapaws answer…very good.

I’m not being flippant, but I’d bin the sandwich and go out for a nice meal together.

No you are not wrong to think the way you do.

It takes two to tango. Both parties have to be agreeable (have a desire) to it in order for sex to be enjoyable.

If my wife agrees to have sex with me but then makes comments that are negative or distracting (“Your mole looks like a third tit, your hands are too cold, you didn’t shower good enough, you didn’t shave close enough, etc). Then my desire (and ability) for sex evaporates.

Sex can be good or not good. And no one should feel like they have to go there if they don’t want to.

Good health to you.

For me the best part of relationships and relations of all types tends to be the intimate connection, and sex can be amazing for that . . . when it is.

Without that, or without other such aspects, yeah, it could be totally not a big deal, and even not worth the mess and fuss and risks.

I don’t want sex without a good connection, either.

So no, I’d say you’re not wrong at all to feel that way. But I might hope that you might possibly at some point have a relationship where it would be, or where other types of great connection happens for you.

Well.
People, regardless of their mental conditions/health or disorders, like different things.

This is not THAT different. I can say this, if you’re not comfortable with a LOT of things, sex is a minefield.

Sex, to vastly oversimplify, is funny noises, fluids, potentially romantic feelings, trying to learn how to get a braw off or use the new brand of condoms, and it can be embarrassing and/or fun.
That’s why it’s fun, to roll around with a partner in bed all day, and just laugh, and enjoy another’s touch and attention.

And the experience, changes, with age.

But. It’s never going to be like a scene in a movie, when everything is perfect.
It’s NOTHING, like most pornography.
And guys are not like men in romance novels, anymore than women are like girls in movies or videos.

Honestly. Sex, is a lot of trails, and errors. That’s why it’s nice, to care about the partner you choose to potentially explore such a thing with. Because, it will be embarrassing, for both of you, at times. Which is part of that aspect, of human behavior.

My best advice, would be to get to know yourself.
It doesn’t sound, like you, know you. And none of us know who we are, when we’re younger. Some struggle with it their entire life. But. (Trying to thread a needle here.)
Self exploration, is natural, and is needed for all of us.
Time, is not currently your enemy. It is you ally.
Look in the mirror. Talk with yourself. Who are you?
Do you like certain music, or video games? Do you have any strong opinions, about important things that may be a deal-breaker for a relationship with someone? (Example.)
If you’re a vegetarian, you mat have strong feelings about this. It may offend you, if a potential partner ate meat. You know, because when you start to define yourself, that means setting barriers.
For me, that means no girls, that do hard drugs, or have a Tender account…
In addition to red flags, there should be some yellow, and green flags too.
I swear ,there are 50+ year old men, who wouldn’t think of dating a girl that hasn’t seen Star Wars. And that’s their decision.
A very religious person, doesn’t usually mesh, with a non-religious person.
Try gaining perspective, on what makes you have these strong feelings. If we’re sticking with the vegetarian example, do you love animals too much, to be ok with a meat eating person?

Why do like the video games you like? Are you a fan of adventure, or Fantasy, or racing?
The world is FULL of people, who like what you like.
But really think about yourself.
You have a story, that got you this far. How has that defined you? Or. Have you gotten stronger from having a sad story?

If you ever talk to people you could be interested in, they’re going to ask you who you are.
You know why? Because they probably have an idea of what they aren’t looking for.
That’s a HUGE thing to know.

And I can respect Valor, and virtue, but I would like for you to understand that younger relationships, do not HAVE to become marriages with children, or be viewed as failure or bad character.

I firmly believe, that if you can get a person you like, who likes stuff like you, the two of you have a chance at becoming sexual partners. As mentioned, as long as it’s consensual.
Or. Maybe that person wasn’t the one, for that moment. No problem. I bet you learned more about yourself (which is important,) and you gained experience from the relationship. You can still be friends with a person, but some people will work their way off of your good list.

Young males, are under a lot of pressure, to “become a man.”

Well. That’s just stupid. A roach, can procreate… It’s no grand achievement, as far as the person you are now, versus the person you will be after/if you eventually do the deed. You don’t get a trophy (if you’re being safe,) and if anyone has been making fun of you, or pushing you to have sex, will those people now be quite and act respectfully? No. They’ll find other things to try and bring you down.

In my mind, one day, you’ll turn and look at someone, and they won’t look away. Hopefully, someone you have known for a bit. And it will be, whatever it turns out to be.

I cannot stress enough, that being sexually active, is a responsibility. One my nephew, I guess never believed me about, but his 4 year old boy, and girlfriend who can barely keep the lights on know about.
And it complicates, many things.
Especially, if you have not gone through some of the feelings of rejection, or heart ache, before.
Which it sounds like you probably haven’t. Again. No worries.

Sex. Should be a natural, enjoyable, part of your life.
If you aren’t able to enjoy it, you have no reason to pursue it.
That’s why I think you should get to know yourself. Then you will know what you’re even looking for, if anything…

At any rate. Life is hard. I wish you the best of luck, and you have my full support. If it matters, I think you’re pretty cool, already @KmiberDWZ .

@gorillapaws nailed it. Its all
about the orgasam.
We’ve had lots of talks about sex here. One time, during one discussion, I asked a guy Jelly how he’d feel about sex if he never had an orgasam.
His response was “I guess I’d wonder what the point was.”
You need to grow up and find a partner who is willing to do the work to help you get to an orgasam at least some of the time.

Sex is not all about the orgasm. If that were true, why would people bother getting together?

My feelings, based on information provided by the op, and others, are that “finding a sexually advanced partner,” would not be in the interest of the op.

A “fast woman,” is rarely an answer, for any realistic hope of upgrading one’s life. The op, may be put in a highly uncomfortable situation, with such a person. Or worse, pick up an STD, or impregnate her.

I’m actually kind of shocked, that a “man basher,” claiming we’re ALL sexual predators, would suggest to a prospective male, they need a person who will push them passed their desired personal boundaries.

MY ADVICE, would be for the op, to avoid such women/people.

I’ve been around women who, if they were men, would have long been in prison for being a sexual predator. In my experience, many such women, are very sexually aggressive, and handle rejection of that aggression VERY poorly. Potentially causing more problems.

I swear, Dutch, what are you thinking? Should we get him drunk, and drive him down to the local whore house? Tell him, he can’t leave “til he’s a ‘man?”

That antiquated crap, is practically child abuse.

Let the op, move at their pace. They’re understandably nervous about sex.

The op, may one day desire to pursue, or not deter “fast women.”

That would be either far in the future, or maybe never.

I actually never had a very high opinion, of myself, as a “good looking man.” Like Johnny Depp, or Orlando Bloom. I’ve always been a “real man,” exponentially bigger, stronger, and the opposite of the often feminine look of some of the men women often agree are desirable.
It didn’t take long, to realize that must not be the case.
In ALL walks if my life, I have had women (usually co-workers, friends, or girls at clubs I bounced at) sexually assault me MANY times. Typically, they keep getting too close, I keep my space, and then it happens. They just grab my penis.
The most common comments made by women after being rejected by such behavior, is “He should have thought of himself as lucky. He wanted it.” Not. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
Watch the last of the few videos from Lauren Boebert’s “theater” date. The guy WAS a willing participant, or seemed to be in the theater. As they were walking away, you can see Boebert making multiple attempts at sexually grabbing the guy, as he is clearly no longer interested. Perhaps embarrassed, but NOT interested. She continues in this manner, and then we find out later, she won’t be dating THAT guy again. No shit?

Advice to the op.
Be VERY wary of women/people, who are sexually aggressive. They likely have a habit of such behavior, and are usually just looking for attention, not a relationship. They have higher chances of carrying all kinds of diseases or health problems, that could effect your life.

Let the girls who make out with 10 guys in a night, be the agents of their own destruction.
I’ve been very disappointed, in a LOT of women in my life. Many grow very angry, when you don’t accept their advances, and seem to hurt their self image.
It seems that many very attractive women, simply cannot process, why a man would turn them down. Again, in MY experience, these are toxic people. They may try to start fights over it, or claim that THEY were the one’s being assaulted.
Most law enforcement agencies, and courts, take the female’s side.
Make no mistake, I’m not saying that the op, should avoid or look sideways at women.
But as a man, in THIS world, I can PROMISE the op, he will need to be very careful with his relationships with women.
PEOPLE in general, can be problems. Everyone has their own drama, and how they’re dealing with it. Some people, are just problematic.

“Hawk-tuah” girls, can make for great fun, but much of their charm leaves when they sober up…

And yes, it’s more than just getting off. For many, it is a vital part of the human experience.
To others, their priorities are different.

One night stands, or “hook-ups,” are for getting off. And I honestly don’t see what women get, from most such things.
I believe that the same “broken” part of a woman that makes her post 200 pictures on IG, or seek sexual attention from complete strangers, to likely be the sane driving force behind their decisions regarding their sex lives.
It is MY opinion, that the op should steer clear, of women looking for brief attention, and likely to hurt the op’s feelings, or put them in a situation that will potentially traumatize them.

Things in society, are different now. Not that many girls are wanting a gamer husband, but there are plenty who enjoy gaming, or sports, or previous things that used to make finding common interests more difficult between the genders.
I believe that if the op wants to take their time, and patiently pick the right person to have sex with one day, there is no flaw in that logic.

Virginity, is NOT a thing a person in modern society, has to shed, in order to become a great person.

@MrGrimm888 Why are you assuming the OP is a man – at least that’s what I gleaned from your TL:dr screed? I was assuming they were a woman but that could be wrong too.

^I tried to say person/people, often. But yes, I assumed the op was a male.
Young Men, typically have to seek out sex. Young women, have to decide who/if any of a typically higher number of would be courters to allow sexual activity with.

I’m also leaning on the fact several jellies suggested “finding the right/experienced partner.”
I suppose that I presumed we were not telling a young girl, to “find an experienced partner.”
Or. As Dutch put it “find a partner willing to do the work.”

Young males, often face the most scrutiny, about their virginity, as far as some need to prove themselves.

It was really just my most recent post, I went more with the op being a male. I have other reasons, which given the scenario, I will not reveal.
But no. You are 100% correct, that I don’t “know” the gender of the op.

To be more clear, I feel that my advice, in that recent response, is universal.
In the context a person is uncomfortable or not ready for sexual behavior, would likely not benefit, from an aggressive partner, “with experience.”

Referring back to my original post, I focused entirely on the op getting to know themselves, and what they may like, to help one-day potentially choose a partner for such activities.

Perhaps, I have grown accustomed to hearing “you just need to find the right girl,” from so many women, in regards to most relationship advice. Which would be I guess, a subconscious thing I inadvertently/mistakenly included if the op is not a male.

MY concern, was that whomever the op is, is a sensitive and unique person. I also believe that the op, may be underage or close. So. I tried not to be to detailed, or vulgar.

The things I wanted the op to avoid; teen pregnancy, STDs, hurt feelings, traumatic experiences, etc, do not require gender specifications.
I believe that the op, regardless of their sexual identity, is capable of seeing the warning signs that I am putting out, as long as the concept that not being a virgin is “just fine.”
I primarily wanted the op, to feel comfortable with their thoughts and decisions, and not try to follow the trail that society pushes. And I still believe that the op, is capable of understanding that.
Understanding that following THEIR desires, for THEIR life, is what is really important. Not trying to keep up, with societal norms…

To clarify. The gender of the op, is not my concern, as much as their feelings.

In addition. If the ip IS a young woman, well, they know how at least I (and many men) think of “experienced/aggressive women.”

And yes, experience does infer some aggressiveness. As it is the more experienced person, that usually makes the first moves… If you don’t lean in to kiss a girl, risking being rejected, you won’t be kissing many girls.

A person is free to consent to allowing another person, to go beyond their normal barriers.
If a person is NOT comfortable, with a person going through those barriers, then they should hold their position until they are ready. Not just “look for someone” with notches, on their belt…

@smudges there are lots of reasons that people seek each other out that has nothing to do with sex,especially for women. Sex is in a category all by itself. Men hanker for sex because they want that orgasam. Women choose their men for other reasons.

What “notches on your belt” are you referring to @MrGrimm888? Could you be a bit more specific?

@Dutchess_III Well of course they get together for other reasons.

But the topic was sex and you said sex is all about the orgasm. Then in the next post you say: Men hanker for sex because they want that orgasam. Women choose their men for other reasons.

Sorry but I disagree with those statements, too. You’re over-generalizing. Some women want just sex and the orgasm that (hopefully) goes with it, while some men are looking for more than just the orgasm and want the closeness that sex brings, and if an orgasm happens, nice, but it’s not the only goal.

@MrGrimm888 The OP is female.

^Like I said, it doesn’t change anything really. The op, is capable of getting the points.
Valid points.

^^ I was just clarifying. When I respond to a question, if I don’t know the sex of the OP, I don’t make any statements that could be thought of as leaning one way or the other.

There’s bad sex, there’s good sex, there’s great sex, there’s sex with an intimate, emotional connection, and there’s all sorts of combinations of the above, depending on the people, the circumstances, a bunch of factors. When it comes to feelings, your thoughts and feelings are what they are and they will evolve over time, as you mature, as you go through life, as life changes you.

@smudges Whom do you think gave you a GA?;)

^^ ;D