How does one develop better coping skills?

I guess the question would be: what sorts of things did you have problems coping with? Was it that everything seemed like a crisis or was it that you couldn’t get organized or fear of the future or what was it? That changes the answer significantly.

I find keeping a diary helps me put everything into perspective.

I learned to cope despite my diagnosis. I use therapy and deep breathing and talking to friends. I also greatly limit my exposure to things that cause stress and anxiety like news.

I use music to help, too. I listen to soft, soothing music. You can search for ambient music on YouTube. There are some that are many hours long.

@flutherother wrote something good. Writing things down is very good. It’s also something you can share with your therapist.

@seawulf575 Being accused of harrasing a friend online. Leading me to failing out of university.

I’m doing much better now. I would like to be vindicated from my ex friend calling the police on me, and an interrogation that caused emotional pain that took 24 years to go away.

I think I know who did. It was a friend who was being bullied, who I protected from his violent girlfriend, and he wanted to return the favor.

When I am given problems in my life, I compartmentalize. I think about the problem for a few minutes and if I come up with a solution, I deal with it. My thinking is to (a) understand the problem fully, (b) think about what I want the final outcome to be (whether it is a mended relationship or a paid off debt, it doesn’t matter) and ( c ) the actions I would need to take to get to that solution. If I can’t immediately come up with a solution or if it is a decision between which solution would be right in the long run, I put it in its box (in my mind) and don’t think about it consciously for a while. When things slow down a bit, I pull that problem back out and give it some more time for consideration. I do this until I resolve the problem.

For things that happened a long time ago, I tend to be a bit more pragmatic. There is nothing I can do about it. I cannot get into the Wayback Machine and go change things. There is a point where it is about acceptance. Someone falsely accused you and the cops came and interrogated you. You obviously lived through this and didn’t end up in jail. If you need to confront the person you believe accused you, then do it…or don’t. If the person is really no longer in my life, I’d lean towards “don’t”. Don’t give them any more power over you. Don’t let them rob you of any happiness or cause you any more angst. Forgive them. That isn’t saying you think they were right or that you will trust them going forward. Forgiving them means you are moving on, accepting that it passed and no longer controls your emotions or thoughts.

@seawulf575 that technique is good for all sorts of things. When I’m trying to solve a tough math problem for instance, if you’re stuck, it helps to just put it down for a while and come back to it. Sometimes I can’t solve my New York Times crossword puzzle in the evening so I go back to it the next day and almost always can figure out the words I was missing.

I was in a similar position many years ago. In those days there were a lot of self help books available, and I read as many as I could. I got a lot of good ideas which solved my problem. The main things that stuck with me were “Be yourself, don’t be concerned with what strangers think.” “It’s OK to be different”

Unfortunately. I am very much in search of the answer to the base question.
I struggle GREATLY with loss, and past events that I…..could have, no should have played my hand better in.

I’ve lost people, beloved pets, relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc.

The “gift” of retrospect, is that one can hopefully learn from one’s mistakes. Rather than dwell on them.
I am no special case, but life has been less than ideal for some time for me.
I also had this unique experience of laying dying in hospitals, for 2 years. In many ICU rooms, there is not even a TV. So. I had a LOT of time, to think about EVERYTHING.

I understand the futility, of constantly being stuck thinking about the past, but that is different from being able to actually change.

Wulf hit a lot of nails, right on the head. But I struggle greatly, with “acceptance.”
Especially, moving forward.
I also understand that I will NEVER truly be happy, if I cannot forgive myself for being human, and therefore fallible.

I AM working on it, and no longer use alcohol. Which temporarily, worked great at helping me cope. But slowly put a cycle of depression in motion.
At a point, no amount of alcohol, will wash the pain away.

To me, this question is part of our journey. It’s something that’s easy to opine about, but harder to execute.
I also believe coping (like many things,) is different for the individual. And therefore, requires a sort of unique answer for each person.

For me, whenever I feel happy, everything is better.
Others have mentioned music, meditation, breathing techniques (very under estimated,) and distraction.

I have played the guitar, for most of my life. It gives me, indescribable release, and peace.
Listening to different music, is extremely therapeutic as well.

A calm, comfortable temperature, lowly lit place, plus or minus music, can help.

It’s a process, for all.
A struggle, for some. An impossibility for few.

Good question RDG. I’ll let you know, if I ever figure out a good answer.

Not that I feel my whole life is a mistake, but

@MrGrimm888 The question you need to answer, then, is why you choose the way you do on things that later show you chose wrong. Living by hindsight is a really hard way to go if you never fix the things you see that you don’t like in yourself. Everybody chooses the wrong choice once in a while. It is being human. If you look back and see only wrong choices, I see one of two (or possibly both) things going on. The first would be that you only focus on the bad choices and ignore the good choices you make. The second would be that something in your values is awry. I believe it is our values that guide our decision making. If you think it is only the first of these options, then learn to give yourself a break. You will choose incorrectly periodically throughout life. Take what learnings you can and move on. It is past. You can’t change those choices now. If you think it is the latter, you have some soul searching to do. Something in you is driving you to choose incorrectly so that piece of you is satisfied.

^I agree. I HAVE made plenty of “good” choices, and been likely a positive contribution overall to the species.

My feelings about life, are much like The Moon to The Sun.
If The Moon were the BAD in life, and The Sun the good, that would be the huge difference.

But. From Earth (our/my perspective,) once in awhile, the tiny Moon, can blackout (eclipse) The Sun.

I have changed, in many ways. I don’t drink anymore, or have to have violent confrontations with people like when I was bouncing. I don’t even smoke anymore.

I’m working through my shit. It’s a process, not a button I can press…

I think part of coping, for RDG, is clearly by talking about things here on Fluther. I can empathize, with his sentiment.

Update I forgot to ask my psychologist this week. I will ask next Wednesday.

I watched a YouTube video on introversion. It claims that anxiety can come from introversion and too much socialization. Will mention it to my psychologist next Wednesday.

Thanks @all