Do you find funerals, and the viewing of the dead body, to be morbid?
I think it stems from ancient practices that the bodies of kings and queens,and other important people, be viewed as proof they were dead
I find it horrifying.
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No. To me, it’s a ritual that helps give me closure.
More than two decades ago I decided my beloved Uncle’s body in a coffin was the last dead body I would ever come close to see in a wake.
After seeing him and my much beloved grandfather in coffins I realized I didn’t want to see anymore parting images of loved ones in such a sad lifeless state.
I was present at the death of a family member who died after a very full and interesting life. I stood at the foot of her bed where she lay unconscious and dying and suddenly, she was gone forever, leaving a lifeless husk on the hospital bed.
I didn’t know you could see death happen like that.
It didn’t feel morbid at all just very very strange.
When my mom died from cancer, in her bedroom at her house, we went and cried and touched her and reminisced for a while before the funeral parlor took her body.
I always touch the body at a wake. My mom did, too. Even if i didn’t know the person that well, I feel like it brings me closer to them.
I am always glad to say lovely things about the deceased to family members, and mostly, nowadays, the people I know have “celebrations of life” for their passed loved ones.
I never “view” the body, I have read and heard too much about how it’s prepared. Makes me squeamish.
But “morbid”? Never. I get very philosophical about it all, and I hope that when it’s my turn, my people care enough to have a party.
Funerals do offer family and friends a type of closure, personally I prefer a celebration of life instead of a funeral. where you get together remember the person and tell old stories and just remember what a great person the departed was.
It proves that the person is actually dead, and not faking.
@jca2 My father died of cancer when he was 32 (I was 4). At the funeral it looked like my Father was lying on a couch with flowers all around. He was slightly below my eye level. Room filled with people. My Mom told me to not touch my Father. I wasn’t sure what was happening but I could tell it was very bad. I didn’t want to even get close to my Father. I wanted to get away. I ran and hid in another room and played with small toys. I didn’t go to the cemetery where they buried him.
Not morbid really, just a last goodbye. But no touching, kinda rude in my area unless you are family.
@KNOWITALL I usualy touch the hands, and nobody sees it. I don’t make it obvious.
I have never seen a corpse where I didn’t think “that’s a dead body!”. Doesn’t matter how well the undertaker did their work. This includes my father, who looked fine, but was dead.
My brother recently died. In a few weeks there will be a service. I am grateful he was cremated.
To the heart of the question, I wish the service was sooner. I find that having 2 months between death and service doesn’t help with closure. That said, trying to make all the arrangements immediately following the passing of a loved one is beyond unreasonable.
I just don’t care for such things.
Ultimately. It is simply a manner in which we treat the dead.
Different, in each culture, but similar in that it’s a hard thing to deal with.
Losing a person, and going through all of the processes involved, is part of the trauma.
We attempt, to honor the dead, and provide a conclusion to their life for those who knew them.
Morticians. THEY, might be “morbid.” I think it takes a “special” person, to deal with the dead. It’s a real head game.
I rarely dealt with death, as LEO. But I remember the 3, I was directly involved with.
I really was just part of the discovery of them. Three, seperate incidents.
I did everything I was supposed to do, and was glad that someone else would take care of the bodies. It’s not my thing.
None of the funerals I’ve been to had a viewing of the body. In two, the deceased was already cremated and in an urn. I don’t think its morbid.
My body is being donated to a teaching hospital, and if there is a funeral, that’s up to whoever might want one.
Most funerals I’ve been to were closed casket. When my grandmother died we didn’t have a funeral, but we had a burial. A very close friend of the family who is really like family is a funeral director and she encouraged us to look at my grandmother. She said we should, that she looked “peaceful.” I regret looking in that box! She didn’t look peaceful to me, it wasn’t peaceful for me.
I generally avoid looking at the body if the casket is open.
At the same time, it makes perfect sense to me that some people need see the body, want to see the body, want to touch their body, none of that is weird to me.
The idea of funerals and viewings is to give friends and family a time to gather together to get closure for the loss of that person in their life. My personal feeling is that when I die, I don’t want a funeral at all. Cremate me, scatter the ashes wherever you like, have a big party of anyone that wanted to come to celebrate my life and death. Have conversations about how great I was or what a jackass I was. Good things I did and things that probably were illegal as well. That will likely accomplish the same thing as a funeral at a fraction of the cost for my survivors.
I’ll add, I don’t think Jewish people do viewings or open caskets. Jewish people are supposed to be buried right away, it’s usually within two days. .We aren’t allowed to have chemicals put in our dead that stop the body from decaying, we are to go back to the earth. There usually is a service before, and then afterwards the family sits shiva, which is basically seven days of mourning, and family and friends bring food so the mourners most affected don’t have to cook, and mirrors are supposed to be covered at the shiva house.
On the contrary, I find it “stimulating”.
Yes and no. Open casket is certainly creepy and morbid (and nobody ever looks like themselves). That said, the gathering of people who, presumably, cared about them can be really nice and offers closure.
I am really happy that most families no longer opt for the 2–3 day wake and then an all-day funeral capped by a catered lunch/dinner. Those were the worst. Brevity seems to be the goal now.
Funerals and memorials are not what I have issue with. I mean party on dudes!
It’s a dead body on display that mortifies me..
Both of my parents were creamated. We had a get together after where we shared memories and stuff. Saw cousins I hadn’t seen in years.
I’ll be going to a funeral on Wednesday that involves an open casket after which he will be creamated.
To me it’s crazy. You have to pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars to have the body embalmed just for the viewing, and a casket-for-show and rent a room at the funeral home. Then comes creamation.
In general it doesn’t bother me. However I am, right now about to go to a wake/funeral for my friend’s 22 year old daughter and boy do I hope it’s not open casket.
I think Rick’s family always looked at me askance because I avoided the viewing part of the interminable funerals we attended. I had only been to 2 in my life before him.
@Dutchess are you ssking me for the definition of closure or something else?
What do you call closure?
Well. Death forces an “end,” to a lot of things.
Without something, it would be like the ending of The Sopranos.
Nobody wants to go out, like that…
“I had only been to 2 in my life before him.”
That’s a big part of it I think @Dutchess_III, exposure.
By the time I was 15, I had been to about ten funerals. Most were open casket except my grandfather (who was homeless and beaten to death) and my cousin who was shot in the head by a cop).
Strangely, when my other cousin hung himself, his wife had an open casket for him. I thought that was an odd choice.
@Dutchess_III The ritual of a wake and/or funeral gives me closure with the deceased, saying good bye, reminiscing about them with their friends and family.
I am not talking about the rituals of a funeral or a remembrance. I understand those.
I’m talking specifically about putting the dead bodies on display.
@Dutchess_III I don’t necessarily need to see a dead body. To me, the ritual of a wake and/or funeral gives me closure. Not all wakes have an open casket, as I’m sure you know.
Usually, part of the grieving process is denial. Also, bargaining usually raked place, trying to wish it could be different. Seeing the body would help people past those stages so if they had any doubt the person was dead, realistic or fantasy, it would be confirmed at the viewing.
Sometimes some of those stages take place before someone dies, if they had been terminally ill for instance.
@jca2…NO caskets is becoming the norm.
Both my folks were cremated. There was no viewing, nothing. We all ran to their respective states to gather. They were nowhere in sight.
Yes, things evolve but I’ve been to a bunch of wakes in the past few years.
Sorry too late to edit. I meant to say I’ve been to a bunch of wakes with open casket. That’s around the NY area. Not sure what they’re doing in kansas.
It’s more low cost to not have an open casket, because the corpse doesn’t have to be prepared for display.
My only experience is with Rick’s family, not all of Kansas
Yeah. They have this open casket thing at funerals which is how I know it horrifies me.
HOWEVER the last 3 deaths have been cremations, which sent shockwaves through the family.
Story Time
The worst open casket funeral I ever went to was this girl we went to high school with. About three years after graduation, she was engaged to be married. Two weeks before the wedding, she gets into a car accident and sadly dies.
Her mother decides to bury her in her wedding dress and have an open casket (!!!!)
Her poor fiancé sat there, through a two night wake, staring at his dead bride.
It was awful.
And I wouldn’t want to be staring at my dead anybody for 2 seconds. Rick’s family thinks I’m weird. Or maybe rude.
First of all, I separate the funeral from the viewing. The funeral goes on no matter if the person is cremated or just shut in a box with no viewing.
The funeral is a time for collective grieving and support.
Burial, with attendant viewing most likely, was the only way in the Catholic Church until they allowed cremation about 50 years ago. Like @jca2 referenced about hands, my mother cut some roses from the garden for her mother’s Rosary/viewing/funeral, and when she placed them in my grandmothers hand realized the thorns could not hurt her. That was how the realization of my grandmother dying hit my mom.
Just an aside, the funeral I went to on Saturday did have an open casket. The weird thing about myself was that I went up to her. This poor 22 year old girl. I dunno, I just had to say a few words to her. I know she can’t hear them. But it was for me, not her.
What I dislike about funerals is when people say we ,or you will get over this, I don’t ever want to get over losing this person but I do look forward to remembering them with a warm smile instead of a tear.
I remember when I was about 15 or 16, my stepfather’s uncle died. I had never met the man, but my parents were going to the wake and I was going with them to pay my respects. I took a look in the casket and I started laughing into my hand, and made it look like I was coughing. I got up from kneeling and I went over to my mother and put my head on her shoulder, and was laughing into her ear. She whispered to me “what are you doing?” I was stifling my laughter and making it look like I was crying, and I said “he looks like Ronald Reagan.” She said “go outside.” I went outside and took a breath, and composed myself. He did look just like Ronald Reagan.
I grew up in the Jewish religion so was never exposed to open casket funerals until I was an adult. I don’t care for them and usually don’t look closely at the body if i have to pay my respects.
I hate them. As a Jew I was always taught and I firmly hold to this that it’s always better to remember the person when they were alive rather than viewing them when they’re dead. Jews have closed casket funerals. It’s not a hard and fast rule in that when both my parents died I was given the option by the Jewish funeral home to see them, but I declined.
I will not be having a Jewish funeral, though, as I would prefer a viking funeral pyre.
^^ I hope to become a tree when I die.
I saw a documentary about a burial ground in TN where they don’t embalm the body, they don’t use a casket, they just wrap the body in a cotton shroud and bury it in this big tract of woods. People who want to visit just walk amongst the trees and plants. I am not even sure if the burial sites are marked. I would love it except it seems prohibitive unless you live in TN, because I’m sure to transport a body across many state lines to get it there would be quite expensive.
Good to see you @Caravanfan. ;)
Yeah. I remember them in my heart and mind. I don’t want seeing them artificially dead to be my last memory.
@jca2 I saw a report of a burial place like that, maybe it was the same one. In Judaism it’s basically the same idea that we go back to the earth and feed the earth as part of the cycle of life. We aren’t supposed to be in shiny lacquered coffins that don’t decay, but rather in an untreated wood box without metal nails. Some Jewish people are taking this farther and want to be buried as you describe without a box, but just wrapped in a shroud.
I would guess most Jewish people follow the rule not to embalm, but I would also guess most have shiny coffins. I know several who were cremated, which is a no no in Judaism, and some Jews really find it abhorrent considering we were put in ovens in the Holocaust, but we were put in mass graves too.
I bet the practice started when a king or some other important person was announced to have died. The people, especially their enemies, wanted proof.
That eventually translated to ordinary people as “This is what kings and queens do! Let’s do it too!”
But I’m just guessing
^^^ Kind of like marriage. (Seriously)
My kiddo has promised to dispose of me in the most environmentally friendly way possible, after allowing whatever use this old flesh can be put to, whether parts or a med school or whatever.
I just hope she has a party, maybe with a bit of champagne?
My aunt gave her body to the medical school or medical research, I’m not remembering which it was specifically. After two years they gave her ashes back to us. It was all free for us. I think it was through NYU Medical Hospital.
My great uncle gave his body to science and his sister, my grandmother, was very upset about it, and especially that there was no funeral and he wasn’t buried. She felt a lack of closure.
My aunt who I mentioned was actually the daughter of my grandmother who I mentioned, but my grandma died before her daughter.
I don’t participate in that ritual.
I find the need to cake makeup on a cadaver more disturbing than the idea of viewing a body.
Oh guys. Rick died last week.
^^^ And this is the one and only reason I came back to this site.
Omg I’m so, so sorry @Dutchess.
@Dutchess_III I’m so sorry for your loss. You have my most heartfelt condolences.
It was so sudden I’m still reeling.
I’ll fill you in on the details later.
I’m also trying to secure a place in assisted living and have been for 3 months.
And I have to rehome Cato now.
Thank you for your condolences. It means a lot.♡♡
So sorry Duchess, I can’t offer any words that would help, I would be a total wreck if I lost Mrs Squeaky,my thoughts are with you.
I’m so sorry, Dutchess. Hope you find the right place to land and have the space to feel and process all of this. Sending hugs .
{ { { H U G S } } }
I am at a loss for words ♡♡ . . . .
Oh no, my sincerest condolences.
Hugs and much love sent your way. I’m very sorry for your loss.
@Dutchess_III If you need help with rehoming Cato, I have a friend who does animal rescue who assists in transporting from the south and I am sure she could get him a great home up here, and provide transport.
@Dutchess_III I am so very sorry. I wish there was a way I could make it all better for you.
It’s a terrible thing to have to go through.
Thank you Annie and Cookieman.
A local police officer is going to take Cato @jca2. He’ll bring him to visit
He fell two weeks ago today(10 11 23). He was rushed to Wichita where they found a brain bleed…and that he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer.
Put him on Hospice Monday and he died on Thursday from the bleed.
The funeral was 2 days ago.
His daughter planned it start to finish then handed me the bill. It included an open casket. I did not look.Then he was cremated.
@Dutchess_III As I said to you privately, sending hugs and care. I imagine you’ll be in shock for a while; be as gentle with yourself as you can.
I’m glad you found someone to take Cato.
Yeah.
My middle daughter is spreading hysterical rumors that may endanger my assisted living placement.
@Dutchess_III Hopefully, the assisted living place doesn’t go by rumors, they go by facts.
I’m so sorry this other stuff is going on while you are still trying to come to terms with Rick’s death.
Death has obviously brought out the worst in some of your family.
@Dutchess_III I’m wondering if you could pay a lawyer a small amount to write her a letter to cease and desist.
She told them I have seizures due to alcohol withdrawal. And not just any old seizures. GRAND MAL seizures.
I saw my doc on Monday. He’s going to send them a note telling them there is no record of me ever having seizures!
@Dutchess_III You’re saying the alcohol part is true, but not the seizure part?
@jca2 where do you get that???
@canidmajor above, she said “I saw my doc on Monday. He’s going to send them a note telling them there is no record of me ever having seizures!” She’s not saying what the daughter said is totally untrue, she’s talking about the seizures being untrue.
Geez. My point was that the questioning of the details of the daughter’s accusation is rather silly (and somewhat insensitive) at this time.
When my Dad was in rehab after a bad femur break, my sister (who saw him for a few days once a year) told the aides and caregivers that he was an alcoholic, which was not only untrue but took me weeks, interviews, and an attorney to get it off the record so that he wouldn’t lose his chance at assisted living opportunities after rehab.
Pretty sure @Dutchess_III’s point was the false narrative, here, and how it affects her future.
@Dutchess_III , I am so sorry you are having to face this crap from your family, it just adds insult to injury. The offer of the right hook still stands. <3
I’m guessing that if she’s talking about moving and rehoming her dog, and doctor visits, etc., she’s able to answer a question or two in reference to it, @canidmajor. Just a guess.
@jca2, @Dutchess_III is grieving the loss of her husband. Please think about that, and think about how that reality ought to shape your interactions with her on this thread and other places as well.
@jca2 Well, bend over and I’ll potch your tushie. JK.
We’re a family and we take care of each other.
I do drink @jca2. But I don’t have any reaction what so ever if I quit for a day or a week or month. When all this with Rick went down I quit drinking. You would think the opposite would be true but it’s not.
@Caravanfan…she’s a drama queen. Yesterday I had to call the police to remove her from my house and to return the keys to my vehicles. I’m going to sell them and I’ll need the keys!
Somehow she was convinced I was going to drive somewhere. I haven’t driven since 2021.
@Dutchess_III “His daughter planned it start to finish then handed me the bill. It included an open casket. I did not look.Then he was cremated.”
She can hand you the bill, but she signed at the funeral home NOT you ! Your signature is not on any paperwork at the funeral home. That is like going to dinner and when handed the bill you say Table 4 is paying for it.
Oh next time she shows up call 911 for. elder abuse and handicap abuse !
I just paid it.
One of many things that had me fuming.
@Dutchess_III thanks for clarifying.
It’s hard, when there’s a death in the family, because on top of everything else, the dynamics of the family will often change, and people who were previously beloved may become greedy or bossy, or bad traits come out.
When my parents died they were cremated then a date was set for family to get together.
There was none of this viewing of the body bullshit.
I mean the body has to be embalmed for $600.
Funeral services for$350.
“Basic funeral services ”$2500”.
Rent-acasket $500.
The total bill was $5617.
$5,000 of it was totally unnecessary.
And she didn’t contact me once.
I
My cremation expenses are already paid for. The kids shouldn’t have to worry about anything. I hope.
I am so mad and so lonely.
I had plenty of closure the instant I heard “He is dead.”
@Dutchess_III I can only imagine that lonely feeling, I would be a wreck. If you haven’t told all of your friends yet let them know. I guess you are in the part where all of the funeral stuff is done and some of the initial attention drops off.
There are groups for recent widows and widowers, friends of mine here benefitted from participating. If you can’t travel there might be zoom groups if you think it would be helpful.
I’m good. Thanks JLeslie.
Sorry to hear this sad news @Dutchess_III. You spoke of Rick so often I felt I knew him.<<<hugs>>>
No, I knew only what you told us but you would mention him quite often in your posts.
Oh Dutchess…. I am so sorry for your loss.
I can only offer a hug.
(((U)))
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