Anyone here who has lost a parent, how do you cope?

Oh my God. I am so very sorry. What a trauma. (((♡)))

Oh, my. Ouch. I am so sorry to hear you are faced with this, and sad that Mom went out so young and unexpectedly.

No need to feel guilt. Nobody trained you for this. There is no rule book. You will make a few mistakes and nobody can fault you. It’s seems a near-impossible situation, but you will do your best what you feel is right for you and Mom.

Talk to family and friends (we are friends!) and don’t worry about asking the wrong questions or expressing bafflement. “What would you do?” is a good question.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve lost both my parents. My dad committed suicide in 2004. He called me from the bridge to give me some last minute hints to how to get into his apartment right before he jumped. He was 72. I was literally the last person he talked to. My mom died last year. She made it to 88 and ended up with a litany of things that were suddenly wrong with her. I got to see her in the hospital about 2 weeks before she passed. She was put into hospice and moved into my brother’s home where she was surrounded by family when she passed.

I handled the two deaths very differently. The difference was the situations of the deceased. With my dad, he had had mental issues since about 1971. He struggled most of his life. We tried getting help for him several times but as with all things, if the person doesn’t want to admit they need help it is useless. We had a very turbulent past with me cutting him out of my life at one point for several years. We eventually reconciled and were doing good. He had been dealing with a lot of things that I know were stressing him and wearing him down. When he hit a point where he was going to have to declare bankruptcy, it was effectively the last straw. I was trying to work with him through this, but being old school he felt there was a stigma about bankruptcy. That was one of two things that happened about the same time that drove him to give up. He felt it was time to end the struggles. I was sad, but didn’t feel at all guilty. I didn’t feel I had failed to do something that I could have done to make things go better. There was too much water under the bridge (no pun intended) for him to recover. All I could do was to pray to God that he would be granted the peace he missed in life. That his troubles could be cured in death.

Mom was a lively, vibrant woman. She had been mainly healthy her whole life. But when it came to the end, she was riddled with cancer and wasn’t strong enough for any treatments. But when I visited with her in the hospital she made it clear she was at peace. She knew she was dying, there was no hope. She saw that she had lived a long and mainly good life and had no regrets that truly ate at her. She was at peace. Unfortunately we were 4 states apart when she passed. But I know she was surrounded by loved ones including my own children. I was okay with her passing because she was okay with it. It was not a shock and I had enough time to process it, though I did that while she was still alive.

I am not you. Your situation is not mine. But if it were me, I’d start by forgiving myself. You took a nap. Sleep is a human function that needs to be addressed. Your mom knows you were there. Don’t dwell on the last day of her life. She was much more than that. She was much more than that to you. Remember her with the honor she deserves. And she would not want you being hurt and upset. Don’t dishonor her by trying to own her death.

I am so so sorry. Please don’t hate yourself for taking a nap. Our bodies respond to grief in really different ways. It sounds like you just hit a wall and had to shut down.

Please take care of yourself during this time. And we are here if you need to talk.

[hugs]

Thank you all. I will try and respond when my brain works. I feel nothing and everything at the same time. This cant be real but it is. I keep texting her. Telling her I love her. I didnt watch as they took her in that bag to the ME’s car, but I stood there facing the other way telling her I love her so much. My dad and Grandma held me. I feel so bad for my Grandma. No parent should be outliving their kids.

I’ve lost both my parents, but we each have our own way of grieving.
I’m very sorry you lost your mom, but it was in no way your fault.
If you need to talk about this, please seek your clergy or a professional.
Hugs

Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. When you were napping, you were simply going on with your life; there’s no way on earth you could have known she had passed away. Try to let that go. I think at times all of us have done something that we deserve to feel guilty about – this is not one of them.

Both of my parents are gone, over 20 years ago. I found that talking to them helped. I still talk to them, usually asking for guidance as I’m drifting off to sleep. I also lost a best friend of 50-something years and I still have her phone number in my phone, as well as the last text from her.

There’s no right or wrong way to handle any of this. Talking helps and a therapist would be great right now. Maybe you can find comfort in spending time with your grandma and father. There’s nothing easy about this. Eat, sleep, and take care of yourself. ♡♡♡

How awful that you experienced that.
The depth of your feelings is proportional to your feelings of her in life. I would be worried if you weren’t greatly upset.

Oh gosh, don’t punish yourself, you had no way to know she would die. She’s young to suddenly die without a specific serious health concern. How awful that you found her, it must have been beyond shocking and upsetting. So sorry you went through that.

It’s very sad, let yourself be sad. I haven’t lost my parents yet, so I can only guess how that feels, but I was very close to my aunt and grandma and they are gone. I often wish they were here to share something that I’m happy about or to just spend time with them doing anything.

Take care of yourself. Try to rest when you are tired and make sure you eat a little.

I’m so very sorry for your loss and the experience of finding her. I have no words but send a hug

I have no words.

Maybe should clarify, she died as I was sleeping. I appreciate all of your kind words.

I’m very sorry, @SergeantQueen. It’s a tough thing to experience. It’s going to take some time.

My mom died 8 years ago after a six year battle with cancer. I knew she was going downhill for about the last six months. I could see it and it was very upsetting.

Still, to this day, I sometimes think I would like to talk to er on the phone or there will be something that I think that I should talk to her about, because she’d enjoy hearing it or I want her opinion. We didn’t always get along, but she was a great mom and grandma.

Take some time and be good to yourself in the next few weeks and months.

If you find yourself overwhelmed with thoughts or grief, seek help (as suggested above) by a professional or at your place of worship.

So, so sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts. I lost my parents but not when they were so young.

Basically we did an autopsy and she had a blood clot that lead to a heart attack. Even if we went to hospital there was no guarentee she would have survived.

This will sound fucked up. It is weirdly a relief, weirdly comforting. I do not blame myself as much, We truly probably could not have changed the outcome.

I love you so much Mom <3

I can see how that news would be comforting. I don’t think it’s fucked up at all; makes perfect sense and I’m glad it has lifted some of the guilt you were feeling.

Kind of misspoke. It was more symptoms of a heart attack but thrombosis? she would have needed a heart replacement. She would have died whether she agreed to go to hospital or not. Pretty much they could have prolonged her life a few months.

I am sorry I am rambling. Feels nice to get it all out

She had like 6–8 other heart problems

Ramble on girl.

I am honestly mad. She hated doctors and would NEVER go. I mean, she must have been in so much pain and still brushed it off.

Why the hell couldnt she have taken care of herself.

Heart attacks at a young age are more likely to be deadly. Young people don’t have a lot of colateral arteries to keep blood moving when there is a clot. The husband of a friend of mine had the same thing happen in his mid 50’s right in front of her. She tried CPR, she struggled trying everything. She called 911 right away.

I’m glad finding out what she died from helped you feel better.

Feel free to ramble on. The collective is here for you.

I have lost both my parents and I can tell you that your relationship with them continues to evolve after death. In particular the pain and the confusion you feel just now will pass and you will be left with the gold of memory.

I’m so sorry about your loss. My mom had gone into a facility for hospice by the time she passed. I wasn’t there when she passed away but we did go to see her the night before and then left about 4 hours before she died. It’s hard, but I will tell you this. Do not feel bad about needing sleep. Going through trauma exhausts you mentally, physically, and emotionally. After I got home that night, I left my phone on in case my sister called. She was the contact person for the doctors. I didn’t wake up until 8:00 the next morning because I was so exhausted. So my sister had called at 2:00 a.m. or so to tell me mom had passed, and I never even heard the phone ring. I think probably the next few days especially, I slept a lot.

I can’t give you a magic formula for when you’ll start to feel better. Even now, 3 years later, I’m tearing up while I’m sharing my story with you. But most days I just have so many good memories of her and the time we spent together. And sometimes those memories bring me to tears, but it doesn’t sting anymore. I know she is no longer hurting and I know she is with my father. And though others may scoff, I know she is in heaven because we are all Christians.

I wish I had more advice for you. The main thing is just to give yourself time to heal. Be kind to yourself. And if you ever need to talk you can message me.

It happened right away at least. she was in pain before it with heart attack symptoms and throwing up so much. Did not want a doctor. But when she passed it was quick.

It happened suddenly. She was alive then she wasnt. In her home, her bed, with her cat. probably in her sleep.

I feel a bit of a weight lifted

@SergeantQueen I hope finding out the details of her death helps you find some closure. But it’s okay to be mad too. Often, even though it doesn’t make sense, we feel like the loved one who died has betrayed us. In my case, my mom had dementia, so we knew it was coming although we didn’t know exactly when. But trying dwell on the times when your mom was alive. Cherish those memories and never forget.

And talk as much as you need to. Whether it’s to us or to friends and family in the “real world”. It helps to talk about things and to get your feelings out, even though at first it might bring you to tears.

Oh, and one more thing. My sister and I were talking about death one day and she was commenting that very often, the loved one will wait until the person taking care of them or who is with them, falls asleep or goes in the bathroom or whatever, before they pass away. It’s like they wait until they are alone because they want to spare you the pain of actually being in the room when they pass. Of course it’s still really painful to feel like you weren’t awake or present when they passed, but it might have been even more painful if you have been there and had been helpless to do anything.

Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry!

My husband is dying. He often removes the oxygen tube in his sleep, and for quite a while I kept waking myself up to make sure he had his oxygen still on. Like you, I don’t want the memory of waking up to find that he’d died on my watch! But after weeks of lousy sleep, I was making myself sick.

So, I sat myself down and had a serious chat with myself. I concluded that I cannot own this part of his life. I am not responsible to keep him alive, I have enough problems of my own, and there’s no room to take on his issues too.

I still don’t want the memory of finding him dead on my watch, but I know if it happens, I will know it wasn’t my fault. If it happens I’ll be very kind to myself. I will grieve, and I’ll use essential oils, massage, or get counseling if I need it.

I can only offer my support.
This literally hurt my heart…
I’m so sorry SQ.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. First, do not beat yourself up over this.
You will be on autopilot until everything settles. Once that does, take some time alone to process it. Everyone processes things differently, but give yourself a place and the time to reflect on her life.

I’m so sorry and especially that you feel guilty. There’s never a good way to watch our loved ones pass, but this seems more traumatic, finding her.
All I can say is that the hurt remains, but the trauma does fade a bit with time.
My mom passed in 2022 and I still can’t talk about it without tearing up, even though I knew she would for 12 years in advance.
All I can say is cry, rage, anything you need to do, but try to be present for the funeral and help your grands. This is the last act of love and respect you can give her, and funerals are really good closure emotionally. Big hugs, you’ll make her proud by being happy again eventually. xx

Sorry to hear what happened to you and how it happened.

Lost my Mom two years ago. While in hospital she tried calling me on my birthday but we’re in different time zones then and I didn’t want to wake up. I thought I’ll just talk to her later.

Unfortunately she got worse and later when my brother put the phone to her ear so I can speak to her, she was too weak to respond. My brother told me she has only a few hours left, even less maybe.

Took me several seconds to think of what to say to her on the phone…finally I said don’t worry about my two younger siblings who throughout her life she was helping financially. That I would do my best to look after them. I knew that that is what she would want to hear. A few hours later she passed.

I’m doing what I said I would do. That’s how I am coping.

My dad died when he was 49. There is going to be a lot of rage about how unfair life is. There will be an untold amount of tears and then there will be acceptance one day and eventually, you will learn to move on with your life, one day at a time. I’m not going to lie. You will always feel the loss. You will just eventually learn to deal with it. You will always feel guilt but one day in the future you will realize there was nothing you could’ve done that would’ve changed anything. What ifs are a curse that follows everyone after a death. It’s a nasty rabbit hole. Try not to go there. No one has a looking glass that lets you see the future. All any of us can do is try our best without second-guessing ourselves every step of the way.
I could ask a love one to pick up something for me at a store and they can be killed in a car accident. Or I could go to the store and pick up something leaving someone at home and there is a gas explosion at home. We just don’t know how and when is our time. As a mom, I’m sure your mom would’ve not wanted you to feel guilt but would just liked to be remembered with love. So honor her by remembering her best times with you.
I pray you and your family’s hearts will be healed in good time.