Would you personally view the body of a loved one before they are cremated?

Yeah, probably would.

Yes. I did. My husband. Like you, I wanted a much better last memory. He had been tangled up in tubes and machines and with a Bipap mask on his face so he couldn’t even speak. And he didn’t open his eyes at all or squeeze my hand back.

Laid out in the funeral home, he didn’t really look like himself, but it couldn’t have been anyone else.

I also viewed my parents in their coffins, but that wasn’t quite as hard. For one thing, there were lots of family around.

You will make your choice with the best thought and feeling you have at the time. And that way, there’s nothing to reproach yourself for, no “I should have.”

My sincere condolences, young one. I’m truly glad you came here to us for support.

There was a recent Q about the topic of open casket if you want to read those answers too. It’s a little different than your Q, because it is a more general question than your specific circumstance, it still might be helpful. One thing that came through on that Q is some people because of custom or religion are very accustomed to viewing the body of the deceased and some aren’t. In my religion we do not do viewings typically, so I am not used to doing it, even though I have been to viewings of friends who are a different religion than me.

I was pushed to view my grandmother and I regret it. She was described as peaceful to me, but it was not peaceful for me at all, but I did not have the experience you did of finding her and the panic and anxiety you must have gone through.

At the same time, if it were my husband I can understand wanting to see him one last time, I don’t know what I would do in that situation. I don’t think I would want to for one of my parents, especially if their death is already very real for me.

If you have gone to viewings in the past and are comfortable with that, and if it is usually a positive experience for you, then I think it is reasonable to assume it might be helpful for you. Many people on the other Q talked about it being a positive experience for them, the answers were extremely varied.

I would, but I think this really is an extremely personal decision. Some may get comfort from a final farewell, and others may feel traumatized. You know yourself better than any of us. There’s no right or wrong answer. Listen to your heart.

Heartfelt condolences to you and your family. Virtual hugs too.

For some people, it provides closure. For some people, it may be upsetting.

You have to think about how you might feel and go that way. It’s personal, and it also depends on the circumstances.

I would look at a relative’s dead body if it was needed to identification. But I would not need that for closure.

No I would not. The fact that my husband is no longer in my life after 22 years joined at the hip, is plenty “closure” for me. Thinking he’s next to me in bed…and he’s not is a lot more “closure”, over and over again than looking at his cold,.pale empty shell,which seems macrabe to me.
Both my parents were cremated. There was no “viewing.” Just a memorial then we all hung out. Pretty sure they’re really gone.

No, I’ve never wanted to.

When my mother died, I was at work and my mom was at home with my stepfather. The hospice nurse put my mom’s hands in a folded position. She was laying on the bed. When I got there, my sister came from her job and the three of us (my stepfather, my sister, me) touched my mother, and we talked to her and talked about her. We cried and we reminisced, and talked about what a good mother she was. Then the nurse from the agency came, and the funeral parlor hearse was outside.

My mom had an open casket at the wake. It was hard to look at her but it helped me, I think. She was very thin at the end. In her healthier life, she was beautiful. She was 74 when she died. I was 50.

For you, it’s entirely up to you. Everyone is different.

No, I wouldn’t.

My brother died suddenly, and was collected by the coroner to do an autopsy. The funeral home asked I we wanted to see the body before cremation, but I did not feel it at all necessary. My older brother did go, ut later said it wasn’t emotionally moving or closing.

My father in law was in the ICU and was failing quickly. We were all around the bed when he passed, and the nurse said it was over. That was enough for us, no need for any viewing after that.

It sounds like the OP wants a calmer and more peaceful final memory more than closure. I think of closure as moving to acceptance and reality. I think her mom’s death is very real for her. Maybe closure can be a final memory, but I don’t usually define it that way. Will seeing her mom again replace the traumatic memory? That’s the big question the way I read the Q. It sounds like remembering her mom in good memories might be enough.

@SergeantQueen Can you put yourself in the future, if you don’t do it will you have a lot of regret or be fine with the decision? What if you do it and it winds up being upsetting, are you ok with the decision? I would try to think about what I might regret most. This will be your last chance, I would go with your gut feeling.

I would. Some say they are gone, it is only a shell. But we loved the shell, too.

I’m having no problem with acceptance or reality without a “viewing,” of three people I loved.

I believe the custom originated with royalty, when there was a need for absolute proof for the world to go on.

^^Maybe so, but I think royalty and other leaders lay in state so people can come and honor them and show respect too.

My mom chose cremation because it was the cheapest option.
To have a viewing the body has to be embalmed, you have to rent a whole chapel and a temporary casket. In my case my DIL pulled out all the stops. It came to just under $5900.
I have prepaid my cremation expenses. Just a little over $2000.

I wouldn’t if it’s up to me. I really
prefer that my last memory of a loved one is when he or she was alive.

I could have a change of heart. If upon reflection I realized my
loved one would have wanted me to see him or her deceased…as a way of saying goodbye.

Sometimes when faced with sad, confusing and overwhelming situations like this…I am able to rise above all of that and gain clarity by tapping into the love that I have for said loved one.

Love seems to wash away everything…all the burden, bewilderment and even the pain. When the tears come, and they always will come in my case…it is liberating.

Two different answers, one pet related and one concerning my mom. My one cat died at the end of August and later that same day, my sister came over to go with me to get him cremated. I had him sitting wrapped up in a towel on a cushion on the couch and a couple times during the day I picked him up in the towel and held him, even though he had passed. I think I needed to do that with my pet, plus while I was working I would look over every so often to see him laying there.

My mom was cremated, but I never actually saw her body after she passed. We were with her in the hospice facility the night before and I probably saw her about 5 hours before she passed for the last time. I don’t know that there would have been a lot of difference in seeing her after she had passed because she already looked very near death the last time I saw her.

And actually, I never got to see my dad after Christmas Eve of 2020, because in early January he went into cardiac arrest and we couldn’t get up there in time. But he was also cremated and I also think I would have felt the same way. So I don’t know why it’s a different answer for my little boy cat as opposed to my parents. I do believe my parents are in heaven so maybe I felt less need. I would like to believe that we will see our pets again in heaven but there’s no guarantee. There’s nothing in the Bible that directly addresses that. So maybe I needed that little extra time with Bruno after he passed.

You decide what is best for you, and don’t let other people sway you.

Oh, and one more thought. I don’t know whether it would have made a difference in getting to see the bodies of my parents, although I would guess probably not. But both my parents donate their bodies to science, so I know they had to come and take the body fairly quickly and then it was a while before we received the ashes.

This is what has been non stop going through my head. like a movie.

My mom was sick Sunday night. Thought maybe because of taco bell, my dad felt sick too. She would not go to hospital. Next day said it was probably the flu, still did not want hospital.

I take a nap at 330/4pm ish. She was throwing up a lot, I stopped hearing things. Assumed she was asleep. My dad calls at 6. He comes home. I walk into my mothers room. Her left leg is hanging off the bed. She was completly flat on her back, not even on her pillows. I walk up to her. I say “Mom”. I shake her leg. She is so cold.

I go into the hallway. I say “Dad you need to check on mom something is not right.” He walks in and screams her name over and over. I call 911. I see him do CPR but I had to leave and wait for ambulance it was too much.

I called my sister first. Then my Grandma. Then some friends.

I told my Grandma what happened. Her only daughter died. That killed me. Parents should not outlive their kids.

I barely remember them saying she died. Just that they did everything they could.

I remember them bringing her bags of meds and stuff out. I remember hearing them wheel her out. My dad screaming. My grandma crying. Its all so vivid.

It won’t stop. I cannot get it to stop. I see her laying there. I feel how cold she was. I hear all the screaming. Over and over.

I have hardly slept, only because of my meds but even then it is only 5 or 6 hours. I am forcing myself to live. I want to give up. Not kill myself. Just not get out of bed.

I will decide on Wednesday. I cannot right now.

Thank you for your thoughts. Mainly just wanted thoughts.

Thank you.

@SergeantQueen how horrible to have gone through this! For what it’s worth, I am giving you a virtual hug and I pray that his time goes on, your pain will ease. Don’t worry about wanting to stay in bed right now. Sometimes you need to withdraw a little bit to deal with the shock and the pain. Please take care and know that we are all thinking about you.

No for me, I was too distraught and more may have broken me. Just knowing she was gone and at peace was enough to process. Take it easy on yourself, shed want you to take care of yourself.

The fact that she was to be cremated would have no bearing.

What do you mean?