Remember seeing a recent advice column in which a man was scolded for complimenting a woman on her appearance?

What publications do you regularly peruse? Was it in one of those, or did you maybe just set on Facebook or something? I’m not great at this, but I’ll look.

Nope, I give up. I just don’t have the skills, I guess. Sorry!

We live in a culture where proper exercise and fitness is important, so I often try to compliment others with a courteous “Nice butt!”

Thanks @filmfann

There was an article in the New York Times Magazine recently on this topic.

@flutherother I’m surprised I missed that, I read the NYT Magazine!

@Jeruba, is it this? https://www.nytimes.com/2024/11/20/magazine/man-compliment-restaurant-ethics.html

This is not about complimenting an older woman, but it’s recent and in a publication you might read.

You should see how outraged bodybuilders get when you tell them “nice tits bro”

I never do. If I want to compliment a woman on her appearance I always remark on her outfit or accessories. Something like “Your sweater is very stylish! where’d you get it, if you don’t mind my asking?” Sometimes I’ll even go a far as to compliment a new hair style or something.

It’s a way of letting them know I think they have good taste without making them feel like I was inspecting their bodies and evaluating them.

@canidmajor and @flutherother, yes, that’s exactly it! Thank you.

I honestly didn’t know that paying a compliment to a stranger had become a social faux pas.I guess at my age I’m out of sync with a lot of present attitudes. So at first I was a bit indignant that the nice gentleman was chastised for a modest display of gallantry.

And then I thought, well, what if instead the young woman had remarked to the passing stranger, “That’s a beautiful necktie,” or even, “What a handsome fellow you are!” That would be considered shockingly forward, and everyone would be embarrassed. From this perspective, it’s easy to see how sexist the whole business of paying compliments can be. I just hadn’t thought of it that way.

Now, what about when a woman compliments another woman, especially a stranger?

The difference is the concept of threat. A strange man making a point of telling a woman that she is attractive is, much too often, a first salvo. If she simply thanks him for the compliment, he might (and unfortunately often does) take that as an invitation to keep at her, and get offended when she expresses a lack of interest.

A woman complimenting a strange man is likely not a threat to him, but rare enough to note.

A woman complimenting a woman is a simple one off, with no expectation of escalation.

Thanks, @canidmajor. Since the rules have changed in so many contexts, I wonder if a woman might find another woman’s compliments unwelcome.

Compliments are one of the small joys of life. I would be sorry if they were banished.

Context is everything.

It was The New York Times and the woman was the girl’s mother. Part of the controversy was whether or not it’s appropriate or necessary for a mother to step in on her adult daughter’s behalf, or leave it up to the daughter to defend herself.