Anything else besides lighting a candle at the Catholic church for a friend who passed away?

What ever else that would be important to you.

^^Asking specifically about the Catholic church. I’m not Catholic, I have no idea what’s expected. Is there a special location to light a candle for the dead? Do I leave a donation? I don’t even know what to ask the jellies I am so ignorant to what Catholics do. My husband was raised Catholic, but doesn’t know much. I’m having him go to the church with me though.

When my Mom died, someone arrange a funeral mass. None of my family went.

Forgive me if this does not help

Many friends will send cards and flowers to show their sadness and love. Flowers like lilies, carnations and mums are used to show remembrance, peace and sadness. Some people may send a Mass card which means they made a donation to a church to have a future church service – a Mass – dedicated to the dead person. Some families suggest donations to charities instead of gifts of flowers because cut flowers live only a short time and a charitable donation benefits others.

The Catholic tradition of lighting a candle represents prayers for salvation of the soul of the person that has passed. Even if this does not align with your personal beliefs, it will most likely be comforting to the loved ones.

I would also suggest having a Mass said in memory of the deceased. It is also comforting.

I would consider sending flowers to the funeral parlor, and a card to their house. That’s what I would do. That’s what we do in my family when a close friend dies, or one of their close relatives. Lighting a candle is nice but we don’t do it, because we’re not Catholics so we’re not in their church.

I didn’t word the question well. I was asking specifically what to do while at the church. I didn’t fly to Michigan for the service.

I chose not to send flowers to the funeral home. My bet is it was full of flowers. I am considering sending flowers to her house or a Harry and David food basket. Does anyone have experience with that? I assume she needs to be home to receive it. I’m also going to paint a rock with flowers that she can either place at the grave or not, but leaving a rock is the Jewish thing to do.

You don’t have to sign for a Harry and David package.
A donation in her name to the church for support of whichever of the church charity groups she was most interested in would be appropriate. Her family or the pastor would know which.

I think a Harry and David gift would be wonderful and personal, and more useful than flowers. I can’t speak to your true question because I’m not Cathorlic.

Have you ever been to a Catholic sermon?

I believe there is something called mass cards that you can order in their honor. I remember this from Catholic funerals I have attended. It usually says something about that in the obituary.

One thing I remember from when my brother died when I was a child is the tons of fruit baskets that came to the house. Another one is not necessary.

The website had information about donations in her name. I’ll look through it. I rather do something to help the family.

@janbb I wonder if the Catholics do the food thing as much? Part of the Jewish tradition is to send food. It’s been a week since her death, so maybe my basket would be after the initial rush of family and friends helping. I really don’t know.

Mass card sounds good. I’ll find out about it.

@canidmajor I’m worried about the some of the food getting ruined in freezing temperatures?

@Dutchess_III You mean mass? Yes, a few times, and my MIL has mass on every day on TV when I’m with her. Also, at weddings. Why?

@JLeslie Catholics do the food thing, too.

I think whatever you choose will be appreciated. I’ve been on the receiving end of fruit baskets and flowers and cards, and I can tell you that we (me and my family) appreciated every bunch of flowers at the funeral home, and every fruit basket we received, and every card that had a personal note in it, and every mass card (even though we’re not Catholic).

When my mom died my sister took control. She had a Catholic ceremony, although Mom had walked away from Catholicism in the 60s. She was still religious and went to 4 square churches.
Then they offered communion and left 80% of the people uncomfortable and confused
I didn’t want to be disrespectful, so I whispered to my cousin “Can we take communion if we’re not Catholic?”
She had the same look of concern and confusion in her eyes and whispered back “I don’t know!”
Some took communion, most didn’t. It was like damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
I found out later that we could have but I didn’t know it at the time.
The preacher had on these odd robes and spent time walking around, swinging an incense burner, mumbling stuff in Latin to himself.
It was so archaic and weird. I felt like I was stuck in some superstitious, magic ritual from the 9th century BC or something. Very impersonal and devoid of all emotion. Not like any funeral I’d ever attended before.
Most people walked out thinking “What the hell was that”??

@Dutchess that’s the way some Catholic masses are, in Latin and what seems like odd rituals. If I’m not mistaken, communion is only for those who have confessed recently, meaning Catholics only, since nobody else can confess.

If you’re not Catholic or haven’t confessed recently, you just sit patiently in the pew until everyone else has finished.

Someone told me later that all were welcome to communion.
I took communion a couple times as a kid. Never did the confession thing.
Everyone wished they’d been prepared.

The preacher preached some stuff in English. Only mumbled in Latin when he was basically alone, walking around, swinging his incense burner thing.

I’ve done communion too, at my church when I was little but for Catholics, it’s very sacred and the rules are strict.

My stepfather was at a wedding mass and they had communion. He’s Catholic so he went up. The priest asked him if he’s had confession and he said no, and the priest said “uh uh.”

JCA, yeah you are right. I was told you cannot take communion if you have sinned since your last confession and have not confessed it yet.

I’m not planning on attending mass, just want to light a candle and I guess I can ask what else is available.

I would never take communion in a Catholic church it goes against their rules and my own beliefs.

The Harry and David basket has a bunch of stuff. This is the one I’m considering. https://www.harryanddavid.com/sympathy-fruit-sweets-basket-deluxe-149541 There are others slightly less expensive that I will consider if shipping is expensive. They had donations to plant a tree in her name, which sounded nice too.

@JLeslie you might also find a local food store in her area that will make something up and deliver. Local florists sometimes do fruit baskets too. When my mom died, my job sent one and it wss from a local florist, but it was cheese, crackers, fruit, maybe a little plant in a pot, very pretty and quality stuff. They know if they do good, they’ll get business from the word of mouth.

I understand yhat it could be offensive to Catholics @JLeslie, but how could go “against” your beliefs or anyone’s beliefs?

I went to the church here and lit a candle for her.

It was between the scheduled mass at 4:00 and 6:00. That church full of people felt like a super spreader to me more than when I’m at Disney! It was packed. We went back outside and waited for most everyone to leave from the 4:00 mass and then went in before most people started arriving for the 6:00.

@Dutchess_III I don’t believe Christ was the Messiah or that the wafer is the body of Christ and that whole idea is very bizarre to me. Maybe I don’t really understand it. I’m Jewish, I’m not religious, but in my religion I’m not supposed to participate in the religious rituals of other religions. I think technically I’m not even supposed to enter the church, which I do, so it’s me being selective with what is comfortable to me.

@jca2 I thought of that too. She just moved to a more rural area so I’m clueless unless I ask her.

I agree that it’s bazarre snd I never believed it either. (Much of religion is bazarre.)
But I can’t imagine that someone would decline to partake because of some religious reason, that says what they’re “not supposed to do it.” Says who?
I only declined in case there were Catholics present who would actually be offended if I did.
But then I wondered if it would be viewed as disrespectful to my mom not to.
Most of us did wonder.
We should have been given a heads up.

@Dutchess_III Here’s an article about whether or not Jews should go to church:

https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/ask-the-expert-jews-in-church/

Well I’m not doubting the article but it’s religious BS. What dreadful thing could happen? What ever it is is man made foolishness.

@Dutchess_III You’re so anti-religious that you fail to accept that some people find comfort in a religious practice even without believing in a deity. You might try broadening your understanding some.

I’ve seen a lot of talk on Fluther about certain religions being silly and other descriptive words, but I don’t think it’s up to any of us to describe anybody’s religion as “man made foolishness,” @Dutchess_III. All religions are “man made.” Would you go to a Native American reservation or to a reservation in Canada and tell the residents (the indigenous), who are worshipping the sky, the sun, the animals, that this is “man made foolishness?”

Thanks for the article. I skimmed it. I always assumed the rule not to enter another place of worship was because so many other religions try to real you in. I see it where my niece and nephew grew up, a lot of Evangelicals in that part of Florida, and they were always getting invitation to parties at the church. Going after other people’s children is really horrible in my book. As a Jewish mom if I could fall back on “we don’t do that” I might use it, but the problem is I would be ok with going to baptisms, confirmations, weddings, so it would be inconsistent.

When my SIL (my husband’s sister) got married it was in the Catholic church and the Jewish side of their family didn’t go to the wedding only to the reception. My inlaws see that as horrific bad manners. I explained that maybe they felt going into the church was against the religion, but my inlaws acted like I was speaking Klingon; my inlaws just want to believe that side of the family is terrible so any “logical” explanation they would not want to entertain.

I don’t like to criticize other religions, it has to be something really extreme or harmful for me to say something very negative. I know Catholics who say terrible things about the Mormons, and Baptists who don’t acknowledge Catholics as Christians. I don’t understand it. It’s just all different variations of a similar belief system in my mind.

Then you don’t know me @janbb. I took comfort in the habits of the church I was in for many years. I still take comfort in praying.
I took exception to not being prepared for a full on Catholic ritual.

jca2 no I wouldn’t. I would respect their beliefs, the same way I respect Christian beliefs or any other belief.
One time, at one of Rick’s family family reunions, they had a brief prayer for a family member who died. I bowed my head. I noticed one young man not only didn’t bow his head, he held it up rigid, eyes open, looking straight ahead in contempt. I wanted to kick him.

@JLeslie said she’s not religious, but still adheres to what some unknown sombody told her what she could and could not do based on Jewish tenents. I was asking WHY she isn’t supposed to do that? What does she believe might happen?
What if she was invited by a new friend to go to mass, and out of curiosity she would like to go. Would she refuse because of something the Tora said? And why?

As I’ve stated, I’ve been to mass. I don’t kneel during mass and I don’t take communion.

But why not @JLeslie? What if it was disrespectful to the rest of the congregation and they were upset and dismayed?

I’ve been to Catholic and Episcopalian services too. I don’t think there’s a law that says a Jew shouldn’t go into a church service. I would kneel if people in the pews were kneeling but I would not take communion because it is for those who believe in transubstantiation – that they are partaking of the body and the blood of Christ. It would go against my own beliefs but also those of Christians. It’s not because anyone told me not to; it just would be wrong.

@Dutchess_III Luckily, I haven’t encountered that. I guess I would leave if the majority of the congregation felt that way or there was some sort of expectation for everyone in the church to do something. I’ve never been in a church that expected people who aren’t the same faith to participate kneeling. The Catholics don’t even allow their own to take communion if they haven’t confessed.

Obviously, anything required of everyone, like removing shoes in a prayer area in a Mosque or men covering their head in an orthodox temple everyone needs to comply.

Well @janbb…you kind of talked in circles. Their beliefs are not the same as your beliefs, therefore they have the wrong beliefs.
I liked communion because we got grape juice! Yum! The cracker was boring.

My belief is any person can goe to any religious gathering and participate in any ritual (as long as it doesn’t involve hurting someone) and nothing bad will happen at all. Ever.

Now you’re being deliberately obtuse, Dutch. I never said it was wrong to take communion, just that it would be wrong for me. But this is starting to sound like the argument clinic so I’m out.

@Dutchess_III Yes, you did ask why but then you went on to call it “manmade foolishness.” You say you “respect their beliefs the way you respect Christian beliefs.” I don’t consider that statement to be very respectful. I don’t think of calling something “foolishness” as respectful.

I’ve been to Catholic church, and I will kneel during the service but I won’t genuflect, cross myself or take communion.

Of course calling it “foolishness” would be disrespectful if I was talking to a person IRL or debating someone one on one. Or standing up in church and saying that.
But this is Fluther.
They way I answered the question was to prepare JLeslie for what she might be ready to experience at a Catholic funeral.
But she isn’t going to a full blown funeral.
If I had known it was fine for me to take communion I absolutely would have. It would have meant nothing to me (as JL said, its rather bizzare. Grusome actually.) but, not knowing my religious beliefs, it may have made some people happy.
As it is, some people may have thought I was disrespectful.
It really threw many, not just me, into confusion.

@Dutchess_III I have never been to a wedding or funeral that any of this was ever a problem. Episcopal, Catholic, Jewish, Greek Orthodox, just to name a few. All of those I mentioned did a certain amount of explaining what was happening so any people in attendance not familiar with their rituals would know what was going and why. There is a certain amount of feeling out of place for me in a church, like when everyone else knows how to answer back the priest or minister when he says a certain something and I am totally clueless. It’s nice when they explain what and why. There have been times in an Evangelical church, specifically two different weddings, where they said things I didn’t like or even bordering on offensive, and I find that unfortunate.

I think you are making a bigger deal about all of this than necessary.

Back in the old days when they used to pass around the wine or the priest would put the wafer in each persons mouth I would have been really freaked out since I am a bit of a germaphobe. No way I want to participate in that. Why anyone ever thought that was ok I will never understand, except for the fanatics I know who think God will protect them from getting sick.

I’m not going to any funeral. I was just going into the local church where I live in Florida, the person who died lives in Michigan.

I’m not religious, but I appreciate the traditions. I appreciate doing or saying some of the same things my mom, grandmother, great grandmother, and many more generations back did or said. When I was younger I didn’t care very much about it, but now I like it. I like that my husband broke the glass at our wedding. I like that we did a blessing over the bread at my reception. I like that they lifted us up in chairs. I also like that even people who are not Jewish sometimes borrow some of those traditions.