Can you tell us a joke?
Asked by
Strauss (
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1 month ago
I think we can all use a little levity!
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18 Answers
OK, I’ll start.
An inventor came up with a water-supported bra for women whose breasts are heavy. He named them after the old Bob Hope song: Tanks For the Mammaries!
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through the desert when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping from under the car. He drives to the nearest town and stops at a service station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
The jokes about African Americans and watermelon were started because some white people were jealous of free slaves making money selling watermelons after gaining independence.
Even when you ignore the people hating you and start a business….you’ll still be harassed and ridiculed and sabotaged!
Hilarious
A husband and wife were having memory issues. Their doctor suggested that they write notes.
That night they were watching TV. The husband said, “I’m going to the kitchen, do you want anything?” The wife said, “Yes bring me a bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whip cream. You better write that down.” The Husband replied, “I can remember that. No problem.”
About 20 minutes later the husband comes back and gives his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife says, “Where’s my toast?”
Paddy O’Malley was sitting at home reading the paper when his wife came into the house. She had been out applying for a job.
Paddy asked “Hullo Dear, How’d the job interview go?”
The wife responds “It went well, but I was told I needed to get a urinalysis as part of the hiring process. What is a urinalysis?”
“I dunno. Why don’t you go upstairs and ask Mrs. O’Leary. She knows everything”
So Mrs O’Malley goes upstairs. About 15 minutes later she comes back with her hair all disheveled, her dress torn, a black eye and a fat lip. Paddy says “Good Lord woman! What happened to you?”
Mrs. O’Malley tells him “I went upstairs to ask Mrs. O’Leary just like you suggested. I asked her what ‘urinalysis’ was. She told me to ‘Piss in a bottle’ so I told her to ‘shit in a hat’ and the fight was on!”
We all heard the story of Lorena Bobbitt: she got tired of being beaten by her husband so one night she cut his junk off, took it and drove away. At one intersection she just tossed it out the window. What we never heard about was that at that same intersection, at that same time, there were two stoners waiting for the light to change. The offending piece hit them in the windshield, stayed there a second or two and fell off onto the ground. The light changed and the two stoners started to drive away and one said to the other “Man! Did you see the dick on that bug?”
When a rich man says that he got rich from hard work, ask him whose.
@seawulf575 it was a joke that it read in a newspaper 20 years ago. What thread should It be in?
I just heard this from Don McMillan: An atom walks into a bar and says he’s lost an electron. Bartender asks: Are you sure? Atom says: I’m positive.
Two scientists walk into a bar. One orders H2O. And the other orders H20 too. The second one dies.
@seawulf575 Oh. No. I see how it could be in both threads.
Then there’s the one about the magician walking down the street and he turned into a bar.
No. I think I know about two jokes, but I’ve forgotten one and I don’t remember the other.
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