Was it rude for 3 of Rick's relatives to not leave us alone for a few minutes?

“Could I have some time alone with him?”

I would say “oblivious” rather than “rude”. At times like that, people are so caught up in their own grief/concern/processing that they don’t th8nk of those things.

Yes, you could have asked them to leave for a few minutes.

But they would see it as me being rude. ;(

I don’t know his family but maybe sometimes you have to be rude. I can’t imagine that a wife asking for a few minutes alone with her dying husband would be seen as rude. “Would you mind giving us a few minutes in private?”

Nobody is in their right mind in this situation. A couple of years ago, I visited my father in the hospital while he was dying. I don’t know what I said to people or how I acted. All I remember was that I was a sobbing mess, and I’m left with an awful feeling.

I would like to think that none of my relatives that were there judged anything I did or said. Anything goes.

But moving beyond your particular, upsetting situation with your husband into interactions with others in general – I think that you can’t go wrong with expressing your wishes in the moment. It will cut down on regret, and eliminate the reflex to assume that others know what you want/need.

Well him and his family just weren’t taught. I saw in Rick. We’ll be watching a movie and he’ll take a phone call.
I started pausing the movie.
He asked why.
I said
A. It’s rude to take a phone call and not move to another room and
B All that background noise is rude for the person youre talking to.
He looked at me in total disbelief. But he did start moving to another room.
I’d ask if he wanted me to pause the movie.
He always said “No.”

For me that courtesy was a given.

His daughter would visit. We’d be talking and her phone dinged every couple minutes, and she’d address the ding, leaving Rick and me just waiting on her.

To me it’s was just rude. I mean I would think it should be a basic instinct.
But I guess for her it wasn’t.

Good answer @hat. It would have been so difficult for me to say anything tho. So I didn’t.

His daughter was 1 of the 3. She is just loud.
She was talking to his brother and his wife. Loudly.
Then she started talking about when her ex mother in law had cancer and she yadda yadda yadda. Rick was right there and pretty out of it, but I’m sure he could hear.
Jesus. I kind of snapped, raised my head, and said “G, this is not the time or place!”

Yeah it was rude imo. We didnt even like my grandfathers girlfriend as she cleaned out his bank account but we let her climb in his hospital bed because he wanted her there. We sucked it up and gave them privacy. That really seems very cruel.

Maybe should have been a conversation prior, but I get that is a hard one to have. You are his wife, however. So I feel priority is given to you. Not to sound rude. You have a much more intimate bond with someone you are married to, and it is a deep loss (not comparing to the grief the others felt or saying they don’t matter. I don’t know how to properly word what I want to convey.)

I would have given you space, but as hat mentioned, nobody knows what the hell to do, so I am also hesitant to say rude.

Again, not trying to diminish other peoples grief. I hope it doesn’t come off that way. It was probably a conversation that should have happened before.

What @hat said.

Before I met Rick I had been to one other funeral.
He has a very large extended family near by.
After I met Rick seems like I was going to one every year.
They have a LOT of experience with hospitals and terminally ill people.
I was lost.
His daughter and her uncle and wife stayed there, at the hospital 24 hrs a day. I didn’t know we could do that. I did didn’t find out until it was over. I thought they had set visiting hours.
I’m sure they were thinking crazyp about me because I was only there for that one day. I wasn’t there when he died.
I can’t imagine what they thought of me.
Pretty sure his daughter thought she had priority though.
That’s another story.

It sounds like you have a lot of unfinished business and processing to do around Rick’s death. That’s completely understandable..

Yes I do.

@Dutchess_III Do not beat yourself up about what you did or did not do, know or say sister. We all have regrets when it comes to our loved ones passing. I wasnt with mom and you know sometimes they do that to spare us. Be kind to yourself please.

^Agree.

You said it to me on my previous post, Dutchess. Now I say it to you: I got your back here. This is one of the most difficult things to go through, and grief is a bitch. Give yourself grace, you handled it the best way you could have in that situation. Try your best to understand that there is no easy way to navigate things like this. It all just sucks beyond belief.

this applies also to your worries about what your family thinks about how often you were there. They have no right to judge.

Hindsight is everything, we all feel regret. Allow yourself to feel those emotions, the more you stuff them down the worse it gets, just don’t dwell. What you feel is normal. I am here for you

Us three sisters were with my mom the night before she passed. She had been in the hospice and we knew the time was going to be very soon. My older sister, who had got there a bit later ended up staying after we left, so she got time alone with my mom. But even though I rode with my other sister, we took turns with two of us leaving the room so that each of us could have a few moments alone with Mom. They may have been grieving too, but they should have recognized that you first and foremost needed some time alone.

Seems like to me too.