(NSFW) Is it fair to be with someone you have to hide?

I think this is not a matter of having to hide the relationship.

I think the important parts are that the person would be risking disrupting their life and their relationships with their family.

I would say it would be your place to:

1) Assess whether you think the person is well-equipped to handle a cautious tactful private conversation broaching the idea to them.

2) Be responsible for being entirely certain that you can arrange such a conversation with complete privacy and tact, such that you will not be risking outing them or causing a difficult situation for them with others, just by asking or trying to have a conversation with them. Take into account all the privacy violations that exist, with lack of privacy in public spaces, and cameras and Internet-connected mobile phones that can and do listen and report things to Google, etc., people who may snoop on email and text messages, etc.

3) Unexpectantly ask if they are interested in talking about the possibility, without causing potential negative impacts, like if you have a work relationship or community relationships already, and you might make them feel a need to drop those, etc.

And if you do manage all that, THEN, it’s HER choice whether she wants to explore such a relationship. The risks would then become her choice, though you should remain responsible for guarding her privacy around such a relationship.

So you should also consider whether you would want such a relationship, and for how long you might be willing to have to hide it, etc.

And yes, part of that is also weighing how certain you are that you would really want a relationship with them, since there are such risks involved.