How mentally taxing would it be to just never come out?

I would think it would very much on the individual and how strong their need is to be their authentic self.

^^ depend on?

Well it also depends on how important sexuality is to them personally. Some people actually just aren’t that into it.

It takes some significant self-knowledge to really be able to evaluate that accurately, though. And it’s easy to fool oneself, or just get confused, one way or another.

But working on gaining self-knowledge tends to be one of the most worthwhile things a person can do, er, assuming it goes well and doesn’t take you into situations that were really problematic.

I know some men who stayed in the closet into their 40’s. One, finally came out because his new boyfriend at the time pushed him to do it and at the same time his own inlaws dropped hints they knew. I was an inlaw who was pretty sure after meeting him one time. My other family members picked up on it right away too. Are you sure you are hiding it?

I have a friend who thought her youngest son was gay when he was 3 years old. He finally came out to her late teens and he was so unbelievably stressed doing it even thought he has gay friends and always had been obviously ok with gay people. We were both surprised it was so stressful for him, but now I realize how common it is.

I have another friend who suspected her oldest daughter since very early childhood, and the situation was roughly the same. The thing is, these couples were atuned to the gay community. The parents of my inlaw never would have guessed their son would be gay. It was more unacceptable in their culture and community, they have very little gaydar. It all wound up ok though.

Another was married with young kids and so many of us knew he was gay, I’m not sure why he finally told his wife. It obviously causes a lot of hurt when it breaks up a marriage because the person was living a lie.

A friend of mine dated a man who was married to a woman and had children, I lost track of him when he moved to a different town. They were in their 50’s. I’m not sure that married guy ever came out. His original plan was once the kids were adults.

I think if the person’s family is extremely religious and hateful towards gay people I would never pressure the person to come out to them. If they are your average parents and they like seeing them on holidays and want to be able to talk freely, then even if they initially don’t receive the news well, they will likely come around fairly quickly.

If your whole life is a lie and you marry someone of the opposite sex who you don’t really love, it’s really not fair to them unless they know and you have some sort of arrangement. Deception in a marriage is truly awful.

@Jeruba Yes. That should have been in there.

Enormously taxing. I didn’t come out until age 35. It had gargantuan negative effects on my life.

Suggest your friend seek out contacts with a Queer Facebook community that can share friendship and counsel on this subject. Lived experience, (like @Hawaii_Jake) can provide wisdom and understanding.

Your friend might also look at sites such as “It Gets Better” and “The Trevor Project” for LGBTQ+ support and connection.

In my study group we’re reading a book called Authentic Selves about trans people and their families’ experiences with coming out and transitioning.