Would this be a red flag for you?
Would it be a red flag if a man you are seeing says he is desperate for a relationship because it has basically been 7 years. He also told me that when he was 17/18 he was accused of rape and the woman stopped talking to him, then a few months later a cop showed up to his work which caused him to get fired. He did not get in legal trouble. That concerns me a bit.
He has been very, very sweet to me. Understanding of my boundaries and willing to go slow with me. I don’t want my overanalytical brain to get the best of me. However, him saying he was desperate made me question if he’s only willing to go slow because of that. He is very eager to spend time with me and said he thinks about me a lot. We have been on 2 dates, been talking over a month.
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Yes, this is a big red flag. You have just gone through a horrible time in your life and are very vulnerable. Being desperate for a relationship may mean that he is manipulative and is playing on your sympathy.
Be very careful with this man. If you can, get a background check on him.
I did look him up on ccap, and he does not have a record.
He knows about my past to an extent, did not overshare but enough to know my traumas a bit. My past is why I told him we had to slow down a bit, because I got all anxious because of the kissing (which in the moment I was fine with, it was after the fact that I got anxious.)
That sounds exactly like the man my sister teamed up with. He was honest about his past (not) and treated her like a queen. She sold her trailer and moved in with him. He was sweet to her until their first disagreement. He hit her. She moved out the same day.
Yeah. I am a little worried. He had an abusive childhood, isn’t in therapy, and he is being a little overly nice. I just don’t know how to express my concerns without him doing what I would want, like waiting. He doesn’t seem to actually want to wait.
He wants to be a therapist though.
Two red flags. I don’t like it for you.
How do I tell him this? I have expressed my concerns and he is adamant about me giving him a chance.
Edit: He has picked me up from my house.
@MakeItSo1701 You tell him it’s not going to work out for you to continue. Or if you want to soften it, tell him you’re dealing with too many issues in your life right now to start a relationship. If he’s nasty about it, there’s your third red flag.
When people are despite it is a major red flag. Also another red flag him being accused of rape.
Okay thank you.
I should have added he also has BPD like me as well.
I will do that. I did bring up all my concerns about what I am going through and he just says he wants to support me.
Of course he tells you he wants to support you. He is telling you what you want/need to hear.
Okay. Good to know my gut is right. I just have to tell him without worrying he will show up to my house.
So many red flags in your comments on this thread.
You need to be firm with him. He sounds persistent.
Once you tell him you don’t want to see him, you need to insist, don’t let him try to argue or reason with you about it, just be done with it. Block him if that works for you.
Two people with bi-polar disorder get together.
Could it work? Maybe, but….
Borderline personality disorder* bipolar is just BP.
Research that if you are going to comment on it please. Don’t be ignorant based on the name.
Anyways I told him this won’t work.
Being “desperate” for a relationship seems odd. To me that speaks of unhealthy views towards relationship. The rape accusation is actually less worrisome in my view. He was accused of it when he was a kid, the cops came and investigated and there were no charges there (have you checked for any criminal history?). It could have been a whacko girl he dumped that was trying to cause trouble for him.
It is cautionary at the very least. It has been 2 dates and some over-the-phone contact. Everyone can put on a mask for a while but it can be disturbing when the mask starts to fall away.
I’m probably old enough to be your dad. If my daughter called me with this I’d say “nope.”
Cut ties. Any kindness he will view as an opening.
@Caravanfan My dad did not seem concerned.
The guy read my message but left me on open.
@MakeItSo1701 My advice is to block him, so you won’t think about him, look for his messages, hope to hear from him, etc. In time, you will forget about him.
@MakeItSo1701 I did research it. BPD is what I thought, bi-polar disorder. So what does your version mean? When I searched for BP my first hit was a gas station.
BPD is borderline personality disorder, I said that above.
I have never seen BPD used for bipolar. All my textbooks and teachers use BPD for borderline. When I google BPD that is all I get also.
The rape thing does bother me, Id need details if I were to continue. Sounds like you called it off, hope its smooth.
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