…oh, don’t get me wrong. I like the idea of the Big Bang Theory, and even those who would fight you on “there is no God” would generally agree that Big Bang was a theory. Same as how evolution is a theory. In theory, children believe it’s the red cape that made Superman fly, but all it takes is a broken leg to prove otherwise.
And that’s what all of those “large theories” are lacking… Big Bang is “I think this happened”, and someone can say “I don’t think so”. But, unfortunately, I think that in order for humans to gain proof on either side requires a certain degree of mastery over “the universe”, and we’re far away from that phase, if we ever get there.
Elaboration. For us to discover steak, we had to gain a mastery over first, livestock and second, fire. Man put livestock to fire, and bam… a new era began. First, they had to figure out a way to get all of those little hot splinters of wood out of the meat (direct meat-to-fire contact). They held it out on a stick above the flame. That worked awesome! Then, Jesus came to the Earth and said “Behold! McCormicks Dry Spice Rubs! Let there be flavor, bitches!”
…and life was good.
That’s right. Jesus also knew what was up when it came to culinary delights. Jesus was like “Dudes, come on! Water? I’m the son of God for Christ’s Sakes… check out this noise!” and BAAAAAAAAAM. Wine.
The hot ass hebrew women are all upons for Jesus’ intoxicating fingertips. After awhile, they all got so hammered that nobody could “stay awake long enough” for Jesus to lay down his divine game… which was a shame, because Jesus wasn’t much of a Playboy. I hear he had the hots for this one cute girl named Mary. Mary wasn’t Beyonce or anything like that, she was just a girl, and he was just a guy. So he was like BOOM! And there was bread.
He said “This bread comes from my heart”, and so she ate it and it was buttery and soft with a slight biscuit-dough crunch on the outside. I defy you to find better bread. Of course, someone who wasn’t even there heard “from my heart” and started spreading rumors that Jesus was butchering his body to make wine and bread… totally bogus, just like John McCain’s interest in American people.
Even back then people were like “Pish, yeah right, this bread’s not a part of his body”. Other people were like “Well, it could be like, his leg or something… some butt meat maybe. We can’t really see under those robes, so y’know, there’s not telling.”
Jesus was pretty skinny.
Anyway, towards the end Jesus died and unleashed his wicked-bitchin’ Zombie Christ Earthquake Powers on the stupid Roman bullies (as depicted in The Passion of the Christ and Independence Day). Overnight, the Roman Empire degenerated into, presumably, a tiny burg in modern-day Italy.
And that, my friends, is how the Universe began. Prove me wrong. (Actually don’t, I had too much fun writing this).