How do explain my depression to my new boyfriend?

I think he knows your depressed. I think the bigger problem would be to get rid of this depression and not explain it. Do whatever calms you down and makes you happy. Meditation is also very effective for reducing stress. Walks outside. Whatever makes you happy.

You’re depressed because you’re letting things outside yourself affect you. Be you. Don’t be what others want you to be. Turn off that repetitious thought. Do something new. Create something, start a new fun project. Music. Artwork. Go now.

@Pixel Meditation does work really well. Try it.

I agree with the above responses. Try your best to get this depression and anxiety under control. Try not to let things you have no control over get you down. Read a wonderful book, exercise, spend some quality time with your best girlfriends. I wouldn’t talk to him about it unless he asks. In the meantime take good care of yourself! You can find lots of happiness in this crazy world of ours. Best of luck to you!

You should just tell him what is going on now in your life, and onets your current problems are sorted out (he will help you if you tell him what is going on).

Than start talking about what has happened in your past, just having someone to talk to is one of the best ways you can help yourself.

It worked for me.

Good luck

As a life-long sufferer of depression, I’ve learned a few things.
1 People who haven’t experienced clinical depression really don’t understand it because they can’t.
2 While there are certainly things a depressed person should do (behaviourly) to help themselves, it’s not a simple matter of do this or do that; depression is bad because it actually causes you to make decisions that aren’t in your own best interests.
3 Some of the things you describe (elections, state of the world) are not usually highly involved in depression, but the other items you mention clearly are.
4.His history of having bad experiences is irrelevant. You are the depressed one.
5.You say you are on meds, but meds can have a diminishing effect over time and often a change in meds is helpful.
6 Given your crying jags, etc, are you also involved in counseling?
7. Who put you on meds in the first place? Who diagnosed your depression? GP’s may (or not) be fully able to diagnose depression and they are the least able to keep up to date on anti-depressants. If you haven’t gone to a psychiatrist, I suggest you do so. You might discover that there is a more effective medication for you.
8. You have to fully accept that your mental health is your responsibility. Relationships with friends, spouses, children have been ruined by depression. Regardless of anyone’s ability to understand how you feel, you are the one that needs to change, not your friend. His understanding is beside the point. How long do you expect him to understand; a week, a month, a year, a lifetime.
9. I suggest you get professional help from a psychiatrist and get your life back on track, then no one will have to understand anything. You’ll be fine.

Wow. Been there. I feel you – it’s not easy, is it? And the added pressure of not wanting to screw up the relationship only makes it harder.

I have found that, while it’s by no means a complete solution, communication does generally help a great deal.

Honestly, sometimes that simply wasn’t enough – sometimes, the depression itself undermined the relationship, even though my partner did understand clearly what was going on, and wanted to help.

However, in other cases, my partner understood and accepted that I was just “a different Jason” during the winter months (my depression was seasonal) than during the summer months. Those relationships ended for reasons unrelated to depression, and I’m still friends with a couple of those women to this day. In those cases, clear communication helped immensely. That, and most of those women had at least some experience with depression themselves.

Personally, I don’t think that the answers above, essentially telling you just not to be depressed any more, really get it – no offense to the posters. Chemical depression just doesn’t work that way. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to not say anything about it to your boyfriend; sure, you don’t want to overdo it by talking about it all the time, but not mentioning it at all is, from my experience, a recipe for disaster.

However, I think the other posters are right when they say that you should focus on any immediate steps you can take to mitigate the issue. Exercise did wonders for me during my depression (when I could find the motivation for it). You should also talk with your therapist about adjusting your meds and/or dosages. And unless you’re already going at least once a week, consider scheduling some additional time with your therapist to talk.

You’re doing great by trying to take steps to solve the problems you’re facing, and by asking for advice. You’re facing a big challenge right now, but if you ask the right people for help (i.e. a qualified therapist), I think you’ll be able to handle it.

And one final note: depression often lessens as you get older. It certainly did for me, and I’ve been told that it’s common. So hang in there – chances are good this isn’t going to be a life-long issue. :)

jasonjackson’s post made me realize I neglected something which I should add:

Definitely, talking about it to your bf is important. If I implied otherwise, I’ve misled you.
But, at the end of the day, it’s your action regarding your own mental health that is needed to convince him that you are making the effort to make your life better and allow him to see there is reason to continue this relationship.

You could always show him this!

I think most of the first few posts in this thread illustrate your problem rather than offering help. There is a high level of ignorance about what clinical depression is and that it is not something you can just “buck up” from. My suggestion would be to set up a time for your primary mental health caregiver to talk with you BF and give him the background on clinical depression.

Set that up (preface it) by telling him that since the two of you have grown closer, you want to let him into this part of your life. Ask him if he will come with you to learn about clinical depression. Follow the great steps jvgr and jasonjackson suggested about making changes in your current regimen to help with this current low.

Take care.

I am in complete agreement with others here…no one who hasn’t experienced depression can understand it. Even with full “text book” knowledge, they still don’t really “get” it. I would definitely show him this thread, and talk with him about your situation. My final word(s): meds, meds, meds!

As a fellow sufferer on meds, I would talk to him. Depression happens to many people; just because he seems on top of the world doesn’t mean he hasn’t been at the bottom or known someone who has. Keep on trying to get yourself on an even path. Once you realize a problem, it makes it easier to deal with.
I’m not a big supporter of therapy. To find the right therapist isn’t easy. Bad ones are everywhere and do more harm than good.

Try to relax and keep on your meds. Talk to your doctor if they don’t seem to help anymore.

Best of luck to you.

Just try and relax for a day. Or try to be happy. (Maybe even fake it?) You will attract other happy people who will want to be around you.

@Pixel I think based on your responses you could stand to do some reading up on the subject.

Well thats what helped me when I was depressed.

You need to sit down with him (when you level out) and let him know the truth.

You can’t control falling into the dark, but you can help him understand what’s happening, and most importantly understand that it isn’t his fault.

Open up as soon as you can, and keep on keeping on. A lot of people here know how you’re feeling.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t know why I get depressed sometimes.
How do you explain something that you don’t even understand to someone else?

I’m sure that he wants to be there for you through all of this.
I don’t think he necessarily needs to understand it to do that.
You just have to tell him how to be there for you.

There may not be any obvious or immediate answer to that either.
But at least it’s something you can both tackle more concretely.

Good luck! (Luck seemed appropriate because it does seem rather arbitrary, doesn’t it?)

Aww man, good luck. There’s some really thoughtful responses here, I hope some of them help.

Chemicals, Nimis. Not that hard for anyone to understand. If all other avenues of research fail, fall back on Wikipedia.

It sucks, but that’s it.

Knot: Yes, but everything is chemical when you boil it all down.
Chemicals explain everything and, at the same time, nothing really.

It sounds as if you are viewing your boyfriend in an unrealistically positive manner… the word “flawless” tipped me off :) In the grips of your depression, you are filtering out his negative qualities and imagining that he is all-good while you are all-bad. You are also imagining that he will reject you just because your last boyfriend rejected you. This is overgeneralization based on one experience. I would definitely recommend therapy with someone who can help you reality test some of your negative, depressed thoughts.

I agree with Cyreb that your mental health is your responsibility. You need to take care of yourself. Don’t rely on your boyfriend (or husband).

If this man is serious about you, you might consider couples therapy at some point. He might benefit from psychoeducation and strategies for taking care of himself when you are on a “crying jag.”

Don’t lose hope. Focus on helping yourself. This episode will pass, and your relationship will be stronger.

He’s always optimistic? Sounds annoying…

Number 1 is to be honest. Don’t try to hide the fact that you suffer from a brain disorder. If the relationship is serious it will come out eventually and also, the mental health community needs people willing to be stigma busters. There is no more shame in suffering from depression than there is in suffering from cancer or diabetes. He also has a right to decide if he is willing to live with the symptoms that sometimes pop up from this disease.
If he is willing to work with you, I would suggest that the two of you contact NAMI. (NAMI.org) They have a great class called “Family to Family” that really helps explain brain disorders to people in a way that helps them to separate the disease from the person. It was great for my husband’s relationship with my son (His stepson) who is bi-polar. He is so much less judgmental and so much more understanding than he used to be.

Wow! Great discussion! Unfortunately, I recently joined the ranks of the depressed. Yeah. I had no idea. None!

The things I found myself doing that seemed to make sense at the time, but don’t make sense when I’m feeling ok…

Well, just one. I found myself attacking my wife, verbally. The logic was that I was a worthless sonovabitch and she didn’t seem to be able to see that. She kept telling my I was loveable and did things that were useful. I knew otherwise, and I had to make her see it. So I told her I didn’t love her, and that I couldn’t imagine us staying together.

Fortunately, we’d been to a psychiatrist (together) and we had therapist friends, and they warned her not to take any of this stuff at face value. “It’s the depresion talking.”

Eventually, after lots of drugs and therapy, my head was again almost at sea level. I never did seem to find a way to get up. I went along for a while, dipping down a little, then staying up for a while, longer on each up, and then, last week, boom! I was back in that awful place, trying to get her to get rid of me, again.

Last night we had a talk. She thought it good, but it was horrible for me. Why did I try to drive her away? I told you that already, but here it is again. She had plenty of analysis. I agreed. I’ll agree to anything that lets me be the bad guy. Incompetent, uncapable, blah blah blah.

I think if we didn’t have kids, she’d have given up on my this time. She says she can’t really take it. Can’t I do something different when I’m down?

I dunno. I want to believe I can do something different. I want to believe I’m smart enough to control this with my brain. I want to believe it’s just laziness and neediness that makes me use depression as a way to get attention. Hell. I do believe it. I do think I’m just letting myself go. I’m like all the people who don’t understand. I guess I don’t understand either. So, if I can’t control this, then I don’t deserve anything good. (I probably don’t anyway—but that’s just one of those stupid depression messages that aren’t true).

So why do I find myself doing these self-destructive things? Why do I want to end up homeless in a gutter somewhere, covered by slime? Why do I think of suicide oh so often? (I interpret that as a sign that I’m depressed, not as anything I really want to do).

I’m sorry. I’m not answering the question. And I’m upset, now.

I don’t have an answer, frankly. I guess I do believe I’ll end up divorced and alone. I believe I’ll fail at everything I do because I have impossibly high expectations of myself. But I don’t seem to be able to wish these things away. I fucking can’t do that. I don’t seem to be able to control myself when I’m down, no matter how much I believe I ought to be able to do it, and I’m just being weak and lazy. It just keeps on happening, and it makes me want to die. I’m such a worthless shit.

Yeah, yeah, I know that’s the illogical self-talk that I’m supposed to not do, but it does not seem to work! Not for me. Oh god, it makes me go round and round in circles in my head. Until I repeat myself over and over, and I get nowhere.

Dunno. Maybe if I let myself off the hook. Admitted I have no control. Maybe it would be easier? But it is so much more comfortable to beat myself up then to hope for anything better. That’s what my therapist says. I’m familiar with depression. It’s the happiness that scares me. It’s easier to think everything will go wrong, and then, if it does, say to myself that I told myself. It’s as expected.

It’s easier not to match my impossibly high expectation; it’s easier to beat the shit out of myself; it’s easier to just feel awful and blame myself for all my own shortcomings. To wallow in self-pity. To…. oh, nevermind.

I don’t know if any of this rings a bell. If it does, show him. Sorry about going on so long. Ah well, no one will read this far, anyway.

Daloon, I read every word, and am sorry you’re down again. Please take care of yourself, even when you are unable to care for others. Perhaps you and your wife could reach an agreement on behaviors while you’re depressed. More time alone? Communicate in writing…email? Please talk to your therapist about this issue. I am divorced, in large part, due to the fact that my ex could not accept me as I was. I would hate to see that happen to you!

@daloon;
I’m sorry to hear you’re taking a down turn. Remember, “This too will pass.” I remember reading your stuff when you were in a manic phase, and being amazed at how grounded you got once you got treatment. Make sure you talk to your doctor. This could just be a medication adjustment issue. We care about you, and you are so blessed to have a wife who is such a fighter!

Thank you so much to everyone who answered my question with thought and intelligence, emotional and otherwise. I did sit down with my boyfriend and tell him what was going on, and he was great and gentle and understanding, and he told me he’s been close to depressed people before. I set up some appointments to see a therapist too- something which I would love to do every week but can’t afford.

@daloon- so much of what you’re saying I recognize from my own endless cycles of negative thought. The one thing that I really identify with is feeling like I’m lashing out on people who are close to me; I do this because I think I’m going to get definitive proof of whether I’m worthwhile or not. I recognize my actions when I do this, and feel like an ugly, desperate fool. It’s not a good way to live. One of the things my first psychologist did that was really important to me was to acknowledge that living like that is HARD. Not only does it make you feel terrible, but it’s a lot of work. My medication made it possible for me to take at least some of the energy I was putting into the work of being and keeping myself depressed and use it to recognize that I was doing something really hard and I needed to give myself a break. You know how therapists talk about forgiving yourself for all the shitty things you’ve done and felt? I don’t know why, but doing that for the first time was a huge turning point for me. I looked at myself and all the ugly thoughts in my head and all the stupid, self-destructive things I was doing and I had somecompassion for myself. I saw that I was suffering and lost, and that I wasn’t a monster, just kind of acting like one. I forgave myself for acting badly because I knew how terrible and hopeless I felt inside, and how hard it was to live with that feeling. It is very hard to live in that shadow, and maybe impossible to do it gracefully. I think your wife probably understands that at some level too, whether she personally knows what it’s like or not. I wouldn’t have been able to see this if it hadn’t been for therapy, and I wouldn’t have had the strength to do anything about it if it hadn’t been for medication.

I guess I just want to say that I know how you’re feeling and how it can feel like your soul, your good self, the person you want to be is being slowly, slowly sucked out of you. It’s hard to act or think normally when you have that feeling. Adjusting my doses and adding different drugs to my mix is the one thing that has consistently helped me over the last four years. I hope that you can get that help too.

Thanks for the update…I’m so glad it went well, and you are moving in the right direction.

@sandn: thanks for your reply, and for saying you recognized this.

My own update: my therapist said we can scrap CBT. It’s clearly not working for me. We’re going to try mindfulness. It sounds a lot like your forgiving yourself. It’s about letting go of all those thoughts without judging myself for them, and without necessarily feeling they are me.

I’ve tried this before and it worked, but I got sidetracked by learning about CBT, I think. Well that’s interesting. Perhaps another thought I should let go.

And in addition, my anti-depressant dosage was increased. Feeling much better after doing that for three days.

Daloon, so glad you’re feeling better. CBT does not work for everyone. I’ve had limited success with it, but I think a naturally inquisitive mind cannot maintain CBT. CBT is actually kind of a “mind trick”, and as such I was never able to sustain the positive results…they always wore off quickly. Accepting and forgiving has proven much more useful to me, and I hope it will be for you, too.