Suppose you had two friends you liked equally. One did a terrible, evil, selfish thing to the other (such that THEIR friendship is over for good). If you continue a friendship with that person, is it an insult to the other?

I’m actually in this situation. I just tell them not to talk about each other when I’m present. Their friendship is definitely over for good. At first, I had to remind them constantly not to talk about the other person when I was around but eventually they got use to it.

I’m still friends with the person who did the evil deed but it seems like we’re now growing apart. I didn’t plan it. It just happened.

It’s tricky. I think it depends on the action and when it took place. You should probably frown on the action, but we all make mistakes sometimes. I actually have two exceedingly close friends who have been in this position since before I met either of them. One of them behaved very badly and the other chose to terminate the friendship over it. Neither of them has any problem with my continued friendship with both.

I would never back up what one of them did and have actually explained it so that she understands better, I think, why it was a friendship ending event. It also makes social situations awkward. They were both my very close college friends, possibly two of my closest, and so when I wanted to do a celebratory anything I would want both of them there. In the end, it always took almost exhausting careful planning to either have both, do two separate celebrations, or have enough people that they didn’t clash.

I’m not friends with people who do evil, selfish things to anyone, especially not to a friend.

CLARIFICATION: The evil thing occurs AFTER you’ve all been friends for many years. The victim will NEVER be in the company of the “evil one” after the event. Maybe you really DON’T like them equally…maybe you really liked the “evil doer” more. Aren’t you insulting the victim by keeping a friendship with the bad guy?

I was once in that situation. I was so appalled at the one friends behavior that I lost all respect for her. Even though she was my best friend since 5th grade, I stayed friends with her ex husband and his new wife and have only really talked to her once in the last 20 years.

No, you’re not insulting the victim more by remaining friends. it was done to them; not you. Unless this was a violent crime (like a rape or something), I would continue my friendship.
And if it was a violent crime…I’d rethink my idea of friendship.

I have two friends who will not talk to each other because of a falling out between them—a situation in which one of them arguably did act very selfishly. But I still maintain my friendship with both of them individually just fine.

People make mistakes—one falling out alone is not grounds for you to write them off as a friend. However, except in very extreme cases (and maybe even then) I think both friends should respect your right to remain friends with both of them.

I had another situation where I was cold to a person who had wronged my friend. Later, my friend felt wronged by me and I realized that my friend was just a bit wacko and constructed history to fit her needs. I wrote an apology letter tho the person I had been cold to. She was very gracious when she called me and accepted my apology.

Here is the deal. I think it is disrespectful to the “good” party if you stay friends with the “evil” side. Plus, why would you want to be friends with someone who demonstrated “evil” personality characteristics. How would you know that you won’t be next?

@Judi good for you! I was in the “husband” side of that situation and none of my very close friends took the high road, and decided to be neutral. This was so offensive to me, it was almost like they were all approving of the situation. I ended up dissassociating with them all. Their lack of respect for me and my situation was appalling.

I think it depends a lot on what this person did.

For some things I can see a “you know I’m your friend, but what the hell did you do that for? You know I don’t like that you did that.”

For other things, “I just can’t be around you if you’re going to do X again. Call me when you get over it and genuinely apologize.”

For still others, “I can’t be your friend anymore when you treated my friend that way. In fact, I couldn’t be your friend if you treated a stranger that way.”

Whatever you do, I wouldn’t lie to the “good” friend about whatever choice you make.

Depends on what the transgression was.

If it is specific to their relationship/dynamic, I would be neutral about it.
If it is something much deeper about their own character, I would rethink it.

@mjoyce, I agree with you. I was the victim and, for me, if you befriend the “evil one” then I tell you what…STAY with the evil one because I don’t want any part of you. EVER.

@Mr_M, a bit off topic, but in my situation, had I known both ladies at the time, if I lived in the city with the person hurt, I would almost definitely been hurt as well. If I lived in the city with the other person, I may or may not have been. It sounds like your situation was a bit more evil in intent than this one, though. (It was more selfish and neglectful.)

I agree with the others that said it depends on what the transgression was. It would be an awkward situation, to say the least. And I don’t know if I could trust someone capable of such evil. I would feel like I had to watch my back, which would definitely put a damper on the relationship.

Say you KNEW the evil person would NEVER do the same to you because he valued you more then the victim?

I used to think I knew people before and that they would never do such a thing to me, only to be sadly mistaken later on. Now I am not so trusting anymore. If someone has it in them to do something bad, I don’t wonder if they would do the same to me, but when. My advice would be to proceed with caution if you choose to stay friendly with this person. I hope it works out for the best for you Mr_M , and that you make the right choice.

I would actually be less likely to remain friends with them in that instance. Isn’t there a saying about not dating someone who is rude to the waiters? The same goes for friendship—if you can’t care about your friends who don’t provide any advantage to your knowing them, then you’re probably only using me to a point.

I hate mean people.

They are separate relationships, they need to respect that you were not involved, and you also need to have the conviction to not bring up the other parties as well when in their company.

Now, if you personally object to what the ‘evil’ friend did you need to make decisions about that relationship for yourself completely removed from the ‘good’ friend.

Your relationships should not be dependent on their individual shortcomings.

Mean people suck.

Yea, I’m agreed with a bunch of people here that the situation is very important here. If one friend shot and killed the other’s spouse maybe don’t be friends with the killer.

If there’s just a misunderstanding about a housing situation that turned ugly, you should be able to remain friends with both.

Remember, guys, in the scenario, I am the victim. Let’s say he orchestrated things such that money that should have come to me went to him (not out of need, but greed). This is money that would have benefited my child as well so the “evil doer” did a bad thing that also affected my kid.

And I feel if you remain friends with the person who wronged me like that, then the heck with you.

k, whenever a child is involved, it’s a different story. I’d find another friend and close that chapter.

What DeadDolly said.

I’m kind of confused here. You are the victim? And the evil done has affected a child in a negative way? And another friend is still associating with this person knowing what was done to the child? If all that is correct, I’d say forget about both of them, and find some real friends. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Oh, the fact that you’re the victim wasn’t clear at first. I think if it’s something you feel like that about you don’t have to justify your feelings. If you feel insulted by the third party remaining friends with someone who’s ripped you off then let them know that in no uncertain terms. I’d be sure the third party knows the whole situation and that you just can’t tolerate being friends with someone who’s supporting this sort of evil.

I would give the the third party friend the chance to explain their position if they give you the time to present yours, though. There after, you don’t need to hang out with anyone you don’t feel comfortable being around anymore.

This is hard. I have a few friends that have done some pretty evil, selfish, fucked-up things to people they cared a lot about (though not to another one of my friends). Of course, I acknowledged that their action was horrible, but I also gave them a chance to talk it out with me. In these discussions, I was able to see true remorse, and I found I was able to understand (though not condone) the mindset that yielded the atrocious action. I take my friends for who they are and love them despite their mistakes.

Knowing the way I have handled those situations, I feel I would continue to stay friends with the person. I would explain to the other, “I know X hurt you, and I agree what she did was disgraceful. I understand you can never be friends with her again, and I respect that, but I still value her friendship despite her mistake.”

If someone hurt my kid, I wouldn’t just not be friends with them…

The more you make it personal, Mr_M, the more likely I am to see your side of things—if for no other reason than I know you and I do not know this other person. (And of course because if someone redirected money that was meant to care for your child’s needs, there is nothing more despicable than that. That is a truly evil act and I would not be able to remain friends with such a person for any reason. Someone in pain almost always gets my sympathy, especially when they are younger.)