“very few bloggers here have answered this question. tell me what in your life has effected you to say what you do. tell me why youre jaded.
i guess i want to know what hurdles am i coming up to, what can i expect?”
I started dating a wonderful girl back in high school, we went to the same school and when it was time to pick a college, her best opportunity was about 3 hours away. I encouraged her to go, told her we would be fine, and even though it was a little humbling for both of us we talked about the likelihood that we wouldn’t be together forever. We decided we wanted to try the long distance relationship though, talked regularly, and saw each other pretty much every other weekend. We had our sets of rules just like you’re talking about (no touchy touchy was the joke) but an understanding that we needed to live our lives and have fun as well. The first year was especially difficult, she was in a new town, didn’t have tons of friends to begin with, was stuck in a dorm and I was back home with everyone I grew up with and lots of opportunities for fun. I also worked a service industry job, so weekends were prime money time and I couldn’t always get off. There was a lot of bitterness if one of us couldn’t make time for the other, whether that was a nightly phone call or a weekend trip. The time together was wonderful, the time between was tough, there were unnecessary fights and at times it just didn’t seem worth it.
After that first year it got a little easier, we fell into a pattern that made us both happy. We both had a great time, accomplished our goals, and still made time for each other whenever we could. Sometime in her third year of college we hit a rough patch and one day she called me and told me matter of factly that it was over. No detailed explanation, just “I can’t do this anymore, you don’t visit like you used to, and I’m done.” We’d been dating 5 years.
I was broken. I drove up to see her to try to get a little face to face time and figure out what was going on. We talked, essentially she felt like she hadn’t had the opportunity to date anyone other than me. People had been in her ear telling her I couldn’t possibly have been faithful all that time from that far away if I liked to go out and have a good time. She had also been going out and liked the attention she was getting, and felt like she needed to be free for a while. She didn’t want to cheat on me, and didn’t want something to happen she would regret so she felt it was best to break up. Honestly I agreed with her, I could totally support that, I was still broken, but at least I understood. I suggested we get together in a year and see where things stood, she said she had no idea where she was headed but just knew she had to look around some before settling down forever. She said she’d like to stay in touch and we did.
The next six months were the lamest time in my life to this point. It was like some weird limbo period where we were broken up, but we’d still talk and she’d come visit. I had to keep my mind busy so I was either exercising, drinking, or working. People worried. Mothers were called. I spent a glorious evening in jail for public intoxication (never sit in your car when drunk boys and girls).
After that we were back together, but it was different. She felt bad, she was sorry, we were both insecure, I wasn’t myself and had been a mess for the last 6 months. Essentially we now had “issues”. We couldn’t talk about certain things without setting one of us off. We fought more than we needed to. But we had both decided we didn’t want to live without the other if we didn’t have to.
She was still in school 200 miles away so I quit my job (job sucked anyway ;) and moved. Everyone thought I was crazy, but there really wasn’t another way to find out. We lived in her 400 sq ft apartment, I got a new job, I bought a ring, I proposed, she said yes.
We got over the issues and lived together. I learned not to talk to her while she’s on the toilet and she learned it can take me a solid 20 minutes to put my socks on. We both agreed never to fart on each other again. We learned a lot. We got married a year and a half later. We’ve been married 6 years (together 12). She is without a doubt the greatest fit for me. She’s my #1 homey. I helped her get through school (twice) she helped me get through starting a business. Life is grand.
So there’s the back story, I’m sorry it is so long and I sincerely hope it helps. The advice I would give you, where you’re at now is…
1) If that sounds like something you want to go through, give it a shot, but you’ll question it a lot, so you need to be sure. Those 6 months of lame were absolutely necessary for us and honestly you’ll probably be the same.
2) There’s no hurry, you’ve known him for 4 months, if you’re in different towns you’ve probably spent what, 10–20 days with him? Why not date a while, tell him to hold the ring, tell him you’re committed, but you’d like to spend some time with him before moving forward. If you guys can’t hold off for a year, how would you hold on for 60?
3) Unless one of you has some religious or moral obligation against it, live together before getting married. It’s a whole new game and a lot different than spending the night or even 80% of the time at the same place. Your personal space and his personal space will have to overlap.
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