Is telling the truth more important than someone's happiness?

Seems to me there are different definitions of honesty. Your jerk person thinks honesty means saying anything he thinks, without thought towards consequences. Other people think there are times when it is more honest to withhold the full truth.

Truth is a tricky thing. Despite what people say, it is usually very hard to be certain what truth is. Our sense are suspect. Our interpretations are suspect. Our information is incomplete.

Many people act as if they know all there is to know, and say whatever pops into their heads, and calls it truth. Other people hold back, realizing they may not know the truth, or what they think is true is actually mistaken.

On the other hand, there are times when people withhold truth because they believe they are protecting someone else. They assume they know better than someone else what is good for them. I think this is a problem, too.

In the end, what you ask is a tricky thing. What you say depends on many factors: politeness, venality, care and empathy, as well as too many other things to mention.

The truth is a double-edged sword. I think it’s a rather ephemeral sword, like one of those nano-swords from science fiction. It is extremely sharp. It can cut through anything. It is almost impossible to see.

Clearly, truth is something that needs to be wielded very carefully!

I think it depends on the scenario, though I tend to lean toward truth a lot more than happiness. After all, how reliable and sincere is that happiness if something like truth (a something I think of as pretty important) can shatter it?

And you’re right, there is a difference between being honest and being a dickhead, but sometimes it can be hard to differentiate between the two. I have, on numerous occasions, told my friends things they did not want to hear. I was labeled an asshole and a jerk and things much worse. But later they would come up to me and say something along the lines of “Hey, I’m sorry I flipped out on you. I know you’re just trying to look out for me and I appreciate that.” It’s a fine line, you’ve just got to make sure that if you’re telling a tough truth it’s for the right reasons. If the guy you’re referring to Needle is just being brutal over tiny, inconsequential crap, then yeah, he’s probably just a giant jerk.

Not telling the truth is doing yourself a disservice, because it requires you to uphold that falsehood forever. If you’re truthful, maybe the other person will be upset at first, but then be a happier, better person later on.

Obviously, there are ways to be truthful that are kind and ways to be truthful that are inconsiderate and mean. If you’re diplomatic, you can tell someone off and make them want to hear more.

one scenario where i can imagine the question coming into play would be if your friend’s spouse were cheating on them, and you knew, and you had to decide whether it’s better to tell the friend or leave him/her in the dark. i never had that happen but i would have to think long and hard about whether to get involved.

I’m honest with everyone but I don’t say things that hurt their feeling because everyone’s personalities are different and that’s what makes them interesting to be around. Usually someone who says rude things to people and then just says they are being honest is a dumbass and a social retard. I would rather have someone around me who has tact. Whenever I am faced with a situation where I wonder if I should say anything to a friend I think about whether or not I would want to know the truth. It also depends on how good the friend is. I would tell one of my best friends if they were being cheated on but not someone I hardly hang out with because that is like dropping a bomb shell and then getting the hell out of there.

I really do believe in the saying “Honesty is the best policy”. If I have something to say to someone and the truth may hurt in that situation, I will try to deliver the message in the least hurtful way possible but I’m not going to lie to them.

I avoid putting myself into positions where I have to lie about anything because I find it really distasteful. I’m against being rude and trying to foist my opinions on others too in a forceful manner. If I tell someone just what they want to hear as opposed to what is the proper thing to say to them, I’m not accomplishing anything and I’m doing that person and myself a disservice.

It is possible to be direct and honest, but also diplomatic and tactful. But it isn’t easy!!

I think it depends on the circumstances. Empathy and sensitivity should guide all you say. The tongue is a fire- it can burn and wound in unimmaginable ways.
Also, depends heavily on the nature of your relationship with the other person.

People respect and admire me for my honesty.I’m one of those folks that says things you think of saying but don’t.

My mom tells me I’m the meanest person she knows but she doesn’t remember who raised me.

Tough question.

I think it depends on the circumstances. If for example telling the truth to someone is able to make him a better person then i don’t see why shouldnt it be told. If you are telling the truth to help/guide the person then i think the truth is worth to be told even though it might upset him. He might not be able to accept it but through proper conversation and disucssion I feel it will benefit him more and if he is reluctant and goes mad about it then it is really nobody’s fault. This assumes that the truth is right. As what daloon said, the truth is can be deceiving. We can only know the truth if we talk and discuss things together or else the truth is merely our own bias opinion. To that people who spits out the ‘truth’ harshly with entirely no basis or allow any defense form the other party is merely mocking that person.

Yes, you look fat in that. That’s all I have to say.

You don’t have to use the truth as a weapon to be honest with people. You can be honest and kind at the same time.

Ditto cyndyh. Truth and compassion/kindness are not mutually exclusive concepts.

I disagree that you can always be honest and kind at the same time, but I’m belligerently honest and some people think I’m a jerk because of it (people who fish for compliments, people who ask me about their outfits, people who send me chain letters, people who try to convert me, etc).

I’ll stop to help someone any day of the week but don’t ask me a question that you don’t want an honest answer to. I reserve lying to make you feel good for children only.

What about these?

“You sound like you’re fishing for a compliment.”
“I don’t think the outfit is the best fit for you.”
“I’m not interested in receiving or sending chain letters. Please don’t send them my way anymore.”
“Let me save you some time. :^> I’m not interest in being converted.”

You can be kind, honest, and assertive without being an ass.

Kudos to you for being so nice. I’ve been accused of being worse things then an ass. I’ve even been slapped a couple of times for the types of things I say (no surprise to you I’m sure).

I would rather hear a harsh realistic truth then a rose colored version of the same thing.

Different strokes for different folks.

Ha! I didn’t call you an ass. You seem to think I did. That was the general “you” not the specific.

The point is that you gave examples of times people think you’re a jerk when you’re honest. I don’t think anything I said above was rose colored, but I also don’t see any of those statements as making someone sound like a jerk. It’s honest. It’s not mean. It can be done.

I think truth is the raw form of understanding perception(individual perceptiveness). It is the grain of the dirt, or water to rain. Truth gives proper structure to feeling and situation. If the truth is going to blow me away, I should be wearing a windbreaker. I love truth! I wouldn’t want it to land any other way!

Don’t worry cyndyh, I really take no offense. Maybe harsh truth is just better in some environments.

I just wanted you to know that wasn’t my intent, but I see how it could look that way.

i think a better way to describe what cindy is talking about is “diplomacy.” you can be diplomatic and tell the truth without being harsh and rude.

for example: do these jeans make my butt look fat? you can say: “yes, your butt looks huge in those jeans.” or you can say (here are two examples) “those jeans are not the most flattering to your figure” or you can say “the other jeans you have make you look better.”

it’s saying the same thing, it’s just a little more diplomatic.

Yea, I guess I’m just not too diplomatic. I always give people the benefit of the doubt but when they ask me a question, I’m careful not to lie via deception or misdirection.

For example: “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?”

An appropriate response here would be ‘yes’ or ‘no’ followed with a further iteration of the topic. If you say “The other jeans make you look better” without taking an initial stance, it might be the truth but the purpose is to deceive. If hear a very loud ‘Yes’ in your brain and you don’t say it… are you lying? I would say, yes.

Another example could be “Did you cheat on me?” Again this is a yes or no answer but someone might answer with, “You know you’re the only one I love.”

I don’t want my feelings spared in this way and I extend the same courtesy to others. I’m a pretty nice person but if you want my opinion, I’m going to give it to you. I’m not going to dress it up and try to confuse you with compliments while I’m giving it to you. That would be unfair to us both.

bodyhead: i’m guessing if you’re getting slapped your theory on honesty is a little too black and white. i would never say slapping is justified but apparently you’ve offended some people and more than once. try being a little more gentle in the future and see if you have better results. some people might find your honesty theory offensive and insulting. also, try not to use it on kids (you know when kids wear do goofy stuff or put on goofy clothes and they want compliments), bosses, future mates or in laws, because it might not get you the job, the girl, the boy, and it might make the kid cry.

Some people do find my honesty offensive and insulting. You are correct.

But I also had a girl tell me recently that she didn’t think that I had the capacity or the desire to lie to her. That was the nicest honesty compliment I’ve ever gotten.

I find staggering honesty fantastic in future mates. If they can take it, they’re probably a great person. If they lie to themselves, I won’t help them do that. Most people find it refreshing. I wouldn’t lie to a boss. If I have to do that, I’m probably in the wrong field (or at the very least at the wrong job).

I haven’t been slapped in a long time. I find that honesty is better in responses and not in decorations. This means, I will not go up to someone and tell them they are overweight. It’s obviously fulfilling, in some facet, to them. It’s not my place to inject my moral compass on every situation. If they ask me if they are overweight, I will tell them honestly.

I’ve calmed down quite a bit in my old age.

As I said in a response earlier: I reserve lying to make you feel good for children only.

I feel strongly about this and I’m not changing. We’ll all agree that society has a lot of problems. We just can’t all agree what those problems are. In my eyes, the fact that people lie to each other all day every day is one of those problems. It’s not the largest one by far but it is a problem.

bodyhead: you put a lot of thought into your response. i guess whatever works for you at present is the way to go. i read back and saw that you did say you reserve lying for children only. when i wrote what i did about lying to a boss, i meant (for example) if a boss asks you if you like his tie. i wouldn’t say “it’s hideous.” i’d say “i don’t like green.”

i guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on the definition of a lie. :)

I’ll agree to that.

you know i agree 100%, there is honesty and then there is too honest. when you just critisize someone at random, that is too honest and is not okay.

Well, there’s honesty for the sake of honesty.
And there’s honesty for the sake of being rude.
Under the pretense that honesty is the best policy.

Intention and tact are key.

Truthfulness is the foundation of all the virtues.
—‘Abdu’l-Baha

…But you still have to have a virtuous intent when dispensing the truth.