I am exceptionally lonely. What should I do?

First year? Patience, mayhaps?

I feel the same way… a lot. I sure hope that there is someone out there, I’m still waiting….

go out more often?

I do go out. I’m not a hermit. I’m actually a pretty normal person, I just feel like I’m invisible when I’m around other people.

I’ve been getting out more. Sadly I don’t think it is helping me either. I think I might just be sending the wrong messages. I get socially awkward around around others that I’m interested in. It’s something that I’m working on.

I mean that’s whats up w/ me. I mean tell us whats up with you.

I feel like there is something about me that makes people think that I’m mean, or that I am conceited. I am shy am not always the most outgoing person, but I have been getting better at relating to people. Somehow they still tend to get those vibes.
aidje, I have been patient, but I’m posing the question because I want something about life to change. Isn’t that what this website is for?

Devide and conquer!

say what?

Aw yeah, first year of college can be rough. Same with the second, third, and fourth years. ;)

I can’t give you any advice, as I haven’t had a romantic relationship in years. But I can tell you my experiences.

I spent a long time fighting with my own introverted personality, trying to make new friends and meet someone who could become something more to me. College, for me, is about self-discovery. I’ve learned that I am a very independent person. That strength has carried me through the loneliness. At the same time, I’ve made some remarkably powerful friendships that sustained me when I really needed someone else with me.

These friendships were made OUTSIDE of college, in an extracurricular activity. Maybe that would help? Taking some sort of art or yoga class?

thank you shadling. :)

Really, though, I found that focusing on developing my own confidence has just drawn people to me. If that is an issue for you maybe you could do that.

A few practical suggestions, though. You could make friends in your class by asking someone to photocopy notes, offering to take them for coffee as thanks. Try to find someone already friendly with you to smoothen the awkwardness out. Making a bunch of friends will help – exposure to a wide variety of people can never be a bad thing.

Or you can make friends on the Internet! Like here!

You’re welcome. I’ve been in your shoes- let me know what works ;)

Shadling is wise!

I guess my problem isn’t meeting people or making friends, but showing people that I’m worth getting to know. :/

@peyton_farquhar

It sounds like you might need to work on getting yourself to believe that you are worth getting to know. And proving that you are worth getting to know isn’t something that you can show or even need to show. Patience might be best.

@peyton_farquhar
Sorry, I didn’t mean it in a rude way. I simply meant that you shouldn’t get discouraged too quickly. I’m the nice-guy-finishing-last that you always hear about… and I’m in my fourth year. I’m guessing from the tags that you’re female. In light of that, my advice is to not simply wait for a guy to make the first move. It’s okay to do some prompting. Some guys need it, for one reason or another. Seems like a lot of girls leave all of the work to the guy, and that can be confusing to someone who isn’t used to playing those games. I mean, I don’t know if you do that, but… don’t. Please, don’t.

Also, part of what I meant by my initial post: people change a lot in college. Don’t be afraid to spend some time at first being single. Don’t be overeager for a relationship.

thanks aidje. What gave my gender away, anyway?
And just out of curiosity, where do you go to school? what is/are your major(s)?

The tag ‘boyfriend’ that you added for the question. ;)

Peyton, way to go, flirting (“just out of curiosity” indeed) with aidje!! Let us know how it works out!!!!

Being that you are unique in all the world makes you special beyond words. Once you fully understand this then you will come to ballance.

i had a similar first year of college.

i just had to work on ‘me’ before i could let anyone else in.
if and when you really know who you are, and know what you stand for, is when you can truly just be yourself. when you are happy with ‘you’ people notice you more.

but for now embrace the loneliness. but don’t let it consume you, learn from it.keep your family close, they can really help. in the meanwhile find what makes you happy. use this feeling to grow and evolve, and know that everyone goes through this stage, its necessary for personal development.

the right person will come. don’t worry. just make sure to be yourself! i had given up all hope when cupid hit me.

@harry; sometimes its good to cry. don’t be a hater.

[Fluther Moderator:] Telling someone to “cry about it” and offering no help whatsoever is not what Fluther is about. Check out the guidelines, and send me a private message if you have any questions.

@peyton, my daughter is also a freshman at a school where she knows few people, and has had to start over. She’s met a lot of people but not anyone to date, and she finds it lonely because most of the people at her school either know a lot of people from high school, or joined a Greek organization, and have social lives from that. She went to a pretty liberal high school, so the partying scene is pretty much behind her at this point, and she’s not interested in casual hook-ups.

I think it’s one of those things that time helps with. Certainly in the second semester, talking to people in class becomes easier when you recognize people you were in class with first semester. Join organizations related to your major, and become involved. Outdoors clubs are a good way to meet people, learn something new and have fun. Studying in the engineering school has always been a good way to meet guys.

If it’s any consolation, there are plenty of guys out there with the same complaint. You just have to find them. And keep in mind, the wrong boyfriend is worse than no boyfriend.

One thing that occurs to me reading your question again. If you feel you are “exceptionally lonely” you may be falling into a depression. If you start to find it hard to function, get help. Every college has a guidance or student counseling department.

Please go and talk to someone if you do feel too isolated and unable to help yourself. There is no stigma attached to that. Both my sons had difficult times in college and benefited from talking to people.

It may be the perfect opportunity to invest time into finding yourself. Pick things you have always been interested in trying. Read books on subjects you like.

I would suggest finding yourself before finding love, it will be much more enjoyable, because you will be bringing more of yourself to the table. Hope this helps.

Get busy. I didn’t date in college, but I was busy enough that it didn’t matter to me. I joined clubs (and was in charge of them rather quickly), volunteered, and really got out there. But it didn’t yield dating type results for me really. It could have though. I wasn’t really looking for someone to date, but if I had been, I would have been in a great place to do so.

When I did pick up a boyfriend, it was doing the same thing after college—getting out into structured group activities (write-ins during NaNoWriMo) and just being myself.

When I was in college (and you don’t want to know how long ago that was—hell—I don’t even want to know!), I had a pretty bad time of it freshman and sophomore years. Loneliness, and a bit of depression, and what-am-I-doing-here stuff.

I lived in a language dorm, and that provided friends, but not a romantic relationship. I joined the outing club, and it was on a trip with that club that I met the first woman I would have a serious relationship with.

Everyone else I’ve met since then has either been through friends (doing normal activities together), work, or through recreational actities. I met my wife at a dance workshop.

The upshot is that, actually, I never dated. I did things with people, and in the process of doing those things, met women I really liked. I’m in favor of this method because it provides a less pressured, less artificial way of getting to know someone. You get to see them doing things, and that tells you a hell of a lot more about them than sitting across a table discussing what music you like.

There’s this pressure around dates, because you both know the focus is purely on the other person. Meeting people by doing things doesn’t have that pressure. By the time you want to start doing things alone with that person, you already know quite a bit about them.

Good luck! This is not an easy time for many of us.

@Alfreda – Yes! The engineering school is a great place to meet guys! Maybe some strange guys, but guys nonetheless ;)

@daloon – I’m a dancer. I applaud you for going to a dance workshop and meeting your wife there. It makes me happy that dance classes paid off in more ways than one for you.

I like EmpressPixie’s idea. Keeping busy is a great way to stave off loneliness. You find new passions and talents by trying different things.

You’ll find someone in time!

@shading21 Your remark about engineering schools made me remember a line my son heard when he was a computer science major; “The odds are good but the goods are odd!”

@peyton I think Daloon’s advice about joining some clubs that really interest you is always good advice. Enjoy what you’re doing and eventually you will meet people, make some friends and possibly find a boyfriend. And try not to worry about how you come across. It’s easy to feel as a shy person (I know from myself) that the whole world is watching you, but it usually isn’t. It’s hard to relax but when you’re doing something you really want to do, it helps.

I agree with the good suggestions above! Another thing that may help is just to take a minute to explain to people that you are shy/reserved/whatever. Ex: “It was great chatting with you! I know I’m not the most open person, but hopefully we can do this again.” That way you won’t be misinterpreted as conceited or mean – it will be clear that you are just quiet. :)

I agree with folks that recommend seeing a counselor. I did that in college and it was helpful to have someone to talk with. Another huge thing is finding a club or sport to get involved with. I went to a very small school, but we still had dozens of things to choose from. Political clubs, environmental, faith-based, dancing, cultural, womens, whatever. The best thing you can do in terms of attracting a mate though, and this is cliche, is building up yourself as an individual. As you start to follow your own passions and strengths, you will grow as a person and more people will be attracted to you. No one wants to date a depressed square. People want to date interesting and confident people who are pursuing something they love, no matter what that is.

Ballroom dancing’s a blast!

@peyton_farquhar As you can see from the dozens of responses, although you were referring to the intimate kind of companionship, you have us to keep you company until you find that special someone.

Lurve

When you’re a freshman in college, if you get involved in campus life and activities, you can’t help but meet people. If you make a good group of friends and have some good hobbies, you’ll become more confident and interesting, and that makes it easier to meet women. Most people meet their S.O.s through friends, anyway. If you’re busy it will also help you worry about dating less. Girls are pretty intuitive and good at picking up on things like body language, and if you’re desperate for a girlfriend, it’s pretty easy to tell. When a guy acts like that around me, it makes me think he doesn’t actually care about getting to know me, just… you know. Try making friends with a few girls, along with all the other awesome stuff you will be doing.