What do you do / should you do so when you see an angry, lonely, tired, scary woman verbally abusing her toddlers?

Wow Ive never seen that. I’m not sure if I’d do anything really. It depends on where I’m at, if I’m in a store and I don’t know the woman I would probably just give her a very ugly look of disappoval. But if it took place in my home or at a friends house or somewhere less public, I would pull her aside and tell her that her behavior towards her kids is abusive and unacceptable in my home. I don’t really like telling people how to raise their kids but there is a line between a spanking because they did something bad and verbally insulting and abusing your kids.

That is a tough one since onenever knows the entirety of the situation. There have been times when I have spoken up and times when I didn’t. Every situation is different. We had a neighbor who openly beat his child on the front lawn (6 year old for doing something totally kid like, not for being naughty). All the neighbors paid him a visit one day while his child was not home. The public beatings stopped but I always feared what was going on behind closed doors.

If the person is a stranger—nothing. Getting involved in others’ domestic affairs is not always wise or safe. If it was a friend or family member I would take the child away from the situation and ask the parent(s) to take some time to themselves, relax, and work at curbing those overwhelming emotions. Sometimes just a moment away form the stressor can have a great effect on one’s attitude. If the behavior is a pattern, I would suggest that my friend seek support and maybe some therapy.

I have never been in this situation, but I would imagine that approaching in a hostile manner is out. Maybe you could approach and ask if the woman needed any help carrying her groceries/finding the right aisle/reaching something. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, just kind of hang back and keep an eye on the woman. I do this whenever I see a couple fighting and I’m afraid they might come to blows. It is different when it’s parent/child, but having someone in sight might keep her from hitting the kid and maybe give her time to calm down.

If you really are that worried, maybe informing security or the store manager wherever you are that you are concerned wouldn’t be too bad an idea.

You call the police or CPS. They can do an investigation and determine the impact on the children and resources to help the mother.

There is never an excuse for abusing children. No amount of stress, loneliness, anger, or fatigue can justify abuse, whether physical or emotional.

If an adult, who has experience, maturity, and cognitive and emotional development can’t deal with issues enough to show restraint, how is a child, who doesn’t have the benefit of experience, maturity or cognitive and emotional development supposed to handle it?

We moms get tired. We get lonely, angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed. It is absolutely our responsibility to find way to deal with that so we don’t put adult burdens on small shoulders. As community members, we have a responsibility to step up and protect children who don’t have a voice or any rights to take care of themselves.

What you describe is abuse. If it reaches that level in public, imagine where it goes when mom is behind closed doors.

@mamasu: Being one of those kids, mamasu, I beg to differ. Sometimes, I would think very rarely, a child does have the capacity to understand. I won’t say it didn’t hurt, but I understood.

couldn’t tell ya, I used to be that kid.

I would walk up to the mom, put my hand on her shoulder and smile. Although I have never physically or verbally abused my children, I have been at my wits end several times and sometimes just knowing I was not alone would go along way toward helping me calm down, and may even make this worse when her attention is back on the child.

If this is not something you witness regularly (as with basp’s neighbor), but a one time thing you see at the grocery store or somewhere like that, then maybe a friendly intervention will do. A glaring look will probably get no reaction from mom except maybe more anger. Yelling at her will more than likely cause her to turn her hatred on you which, while saving the child some pain in the moment, is not likely to change anything in the long run.

As an aside, whenever I see a mom keeping her cool while dealing with a public temper tantrum, I walk up and smile and tell her she is doing a great job. I have done this several times (usually with my own toddlers in tow), and it has never failed to elicit a smile of appreciation. Something like this might actually go a long way toward keeping a mom from losing her cool in these types of situations.

OOPS! I added something to the wrong sentence! The first paragraph should end at ”...helping me calm down.” The part about making it worse when her attention is back on the child belongs at the end of the second paragraph! That would make the answer a bit more coherent.

I was just thinking about this the other day. As I was unloading groceries, a father and daughter (maybe 10 years old) were walking down the sidewalk, followed by the mother who was yelling at him about the girl. “She knows she’s stupid”, “she knows she’s no good” “that little bitch”, etc. The father took the child’s hand and walked faster, talking to the child in a low voice. The mother just yelled louder. I didn’t know what to do, especially since the father was there, too. It was very public, so I’m not sure whether he was trying not to cause a scene (more of one) or if he was so beaten down that he didn’t feel able to respond.

As he put more distance between them, the mother became even angrier. She yelled out “Hellooo, I’m talking here!” He finally stopped for a second and turned back towards here and said “Shut up! Stop it!”

I was so unsure of how to handle this situation. They were on the move, and would have been long gone by the time police arrived. I didn’t know who they were so I couldn’t call child services. In either of those two scenarios, I wasn’t even sure if yelling nasty things at your child is enough for them to get involved. I feared violence if I intervened, but wish I had done so anyway. I was paralyzed by indecision.

Living in an apartment once, on more than one occasion I head my neighbor yelling at his grade school age dtr. By yelling, I mean over the top, on and on, horrible name calling etc. I called the police. Of course by the time they got there it was all over.

I was embarassed and felt bad as there was nothing for them to do….they actually came to my door, got my side and THANKED me for calling them….assuring me that I had done the right thing. They went and talked to him.

I don’t know what happened, but I can tell you I never heard him screaming like that again….although I always feared that I might have made things worse for the girl.

In another instance, in a store, a situation like what you described occurred. I intervened w/ a “hey, take it easy…” and the woman came absolutely unhinged on me. It was awful. I tried to console myself w/ the notion that at least she was directing her hositlity at me and not the kids….her focus had changed. But it still sucked.

If it was someone I knew, in no uncertain terms I would tell them that their behavior was unacceptable.

Have I yelled at my kids? Yes. Called them names? Absolutely not. Not ever.

I would probably say, “Wow, it’s usually kids throwing tantrums and not the adults”. I have a real issue with people that say hurtful things to people out of anger and I think it is a shitty character trait that needs to be pointed out to the individuals. A child is going to have an entire lifetime of people telling them how they are going to fail and we as adults have those same thoughts going through our heads everyday and parents are suppose to be the ones that don’t say those things.

I tend to agree with SuperMouse. As the mother of a special needs child I know how frustrating it can be to deal with out-of-control kids in public and in private. If I am losing it because I have had it up to here, then a friendly approach would be most welcome. Frowns, etc, are uncalled for because you are only adding another layer of stress.

With that said, I do NOT call my child names or insult him (although he has no problem doing it to me) although I have been known to yell at him to stop it at the end of a very long and arduous day. Sometimes, however, his behavior is over the top and the only way to regain control is to restrain him. That is very open to misinterpretation by someone who doesn’t know that he is bipolar and ODD, with episodes of psychosis, and that he can be his own worst enemy, refusing medications or other help.

If you want to sacrifice yourself, give the mom some unsolicited advice then she can become verbally abusive to you and the kid will be off the hook.

I would be very careful about interefering when a child is not being physically “abused”. Even in that case, I would not make a snap decision but rather observe what is happening. One day my 4 yo threw a tsunami level tantrum in a large store. I picked her up by one arm and held her away from my body to avoid flying arms and legs and carried her past horrified looking shoppers. I hate to think someone would try to call CPS because they would not handle the situation the way I did.

I was verbally abused growing up. Big time. And when I got older my brother joined in. Then My mom.

I stand up for it. Stranger or not. Children need an adult and if their parents are calling them names and belittling them, then they need another grownup to step in.

I always observe first of all. Usually, the name calling and attacks on the child’s self worth are the difference.

What galileogirl described is very different in my book. Any parent has been there.

My first tactic is to put myself in the personal space of the people. That will sometimes break it up if it is just a bad day or something. It snaps them out of it.

If not I will stand and just look and when notice ask if I can help. Having a bad day?Can I help you gather your groceries? Usually, as everyone has pointed out, that is not well received, but I will say that “I find it inappropriate to speak that way to children, and I will call the police if it continues”. She can yell at me all she wants. I could give a shit.

And, if you make that call you have to be ready to back it up.

MInd your own damn business.

@buster – thats total bullshit.

Depending on the circumstances, I’ve struck up a conversation, offered to hold kids, help with packages, comment on how cute the kids are, made a comment on how stressful it is to take small children shopping, etc. whatever it takes to break the moment.

Unfortunately, not everyone who gives birth has a support system, and this type of parenting is usually a generations-learned thing.

I agree with Bri L; I get in their space, let them notice that I’ve noticed; then I offer to help. Even if you are met with anger from the parent the child will see that other people notice and care.

I would hear my neighbor screaming “FUCK YOU” repeatedly at her baby – who was less than a year old. I knocked on her door, and asked if I could take her baby for walk, take her for a walk, or suggested that she take her baby for a walk…

She calmed down and stopped doing it (or took meds) after, maybe the 10th time??

Then she moved away.

We don’t know what a parent goes through in their everyday life. The best thing to do first and foremost is not to judge if we don’t know the person. Many kids get abused for no apparent reason other than serving as a punching bag for the moment. However, you can’t deny that there are kids out there who really need that off-switch. As a verbally and physically abused child, who more needed an ‘on’ than an ‘off’ switch, I can safely say that violence begets more violence. My mother was abused by her parents and she in turn, passed it on to me. I love my mother very much and she has many great qualities about her. But I know the outcome of my intervention between such a situation. My passion will overcome my ability to reason. And if I’m bitter towards my mother, I could easily be as abusive to my own children, which I pray never happens. The mosti would do is to try and create a diversion…

While I appreciate what parents go through, I am a parent myself, kids are not, I repeat NOT, the problem.

They are not fully developed adults with common sense, the ability to see beyond their own world or immediate actions. They can’t override the boredom of the store by playing mental games with them selves. They can’t maintain focus on things for that long. They can’t think beyond the discomfort of the cart, or hunger for a snack, or wanting to play.

And yes, there are always the exceptions. Yes, a lot of times they can. Every child has their moments. But there is one trump card every single child in the world has over every one of its parents.

The child did not ask to be born.

That puts the onus on the adult to get over there damn mood. Get over their history of abuse and violence. Get over their cold, or headache or being hungry or stubbing their toe. Get over the child asking for the 135th time “can I have a snack”.

Stop. Take one damn moment to “mind their own damn business” and do the right thing. Pick the kids up and hug them. Look them in the eye and tell them they love them. Tell them they are sorry. Show them what a real adult is all ablut. Stop and shock the daylights out of the kids and actually buy them a snack, but only if they help with the shopping. Do something to remind yourself why you had the kids. And if you can’t think of one thing to do, then a. there needs to be an intervention and b. they need help.

Realize that the child is going through the same mental development we all did and is not trying to intentionally destroy our minds.

That very idea is ludicrous.

In the end, I will always err on the side of the kids. And any adult who wants to take it out on me can bring it on.

I don’t know what I would do. I’m not one to assume that just because a person does a bad thing, that they will always do bad things. But if I notice that someone is mistreating their child, I will try to stop it and speak reason with the person. Or at least cheer the kid up. If it’s someone close to me abusing their child, I will of course inform authorities.

I am an interventionalist. I am raising a child who I believed was being neglected in infancy.
That said, what I find works most often is kindness. Eye contact, a smile, a nonthreatening, sympathetic comment, and occassionally an offer to help or a comment about their beautiful child( even if the child or it’s behavior aren’t entirely attractive).
All this serves to convey care, distract and reframe, and show love. Usually, at least for the moment, it helps. I have never been meant with agression.

I might walk around the supermarket with kids in tow, looking like HELL, pale, exhausted, and “on the edge” buy I try not to be “snappy” at my (very trying) child… The other day she told me she hates me only about three days a week….I laughed and laughed and asked her how many days a week she thought I hated her? She said, “Not one.”

I hugged her said, “How did you know?” Inwardly I thought, “That’s a huge improvement over my life! I hated MY mother EVERY DAY!”

I also do say things to other parents in public, but I try to couch it in humor. I say, “Wow take a deep breath…the shopping is almost done!” or “No no no (with a wink) we’re not allowed to beat them in public.” Just to let them know that people “see” their frustration…..know what I mean? Kids are hard, but as adults we have to be in control and above the fray to set an example for how to handle the stress and anxiety.