Single Women: How do you deal with the constant engagements and weddings?

Some of us got married, hated it, quit it, and found that being a single entity is glorious. I’ve never understood women who seem to feel somehow defective if they’re not married. It’s ok, you can be a person all on your own. Sure, it’s great to find someone to share your life with. But you know what? You can be completely happy and fulfilled on your own, too.

They don’t bother me. I know where I’m at in my life and I’m definitely not ready to get married. I’m also 23, by the way. I don’t even know if I ever want to get married, for that matter. I’m not against it, but I don’t think it’s necessary to prove you love someone. A wedding would be fun, though…

I did just get out of a five year relationship not too long ago, so I’m not at all interested in even dating someone at the moment, but even before the relationship ended, I felt exactly the same.

I know what you mean in a way, though – I think. For me, it’s not so much that people are getting married and engaged. It’s that all of my friends who are the same age or around the same age seem to be having a kid. I don’t want kids right now for the same reason I don’t want to get married right now, but I do kind of… Have a sense of loss, I guess. It feels like they’re either leaving me behind or (to put it in a more mature manner) simply moving in a completely different direction. It’s just a little weird, because I don’t like the idea of losing people as friends because our lives aren’t headed in the same direction…

That is exactly how I feel. I feel that my friends and I are drifting apart, because we are headed in such opposite directions. I am so far for even being engaged, that I feel like all my friends will leave me behind as they begin their married lives.

What’s a girl to do?

Yes, I definitely hear you. My best friend, who I have literally known for most of my life, is going to have a baby in March. I’m still not used to it and I was (I hate to admit) kind of sad and disappointed when I found out. I just felt like… Oh… What are the words? I guess like there was still so much more we needed to experience. I say “we” because that’s how it’s always been. That and our entire friendship we had always planned on having our first kid at the same time. I know, I know… Life doesn’t truly work out that way, but a small part of me still likes to cling to the idea.

The baby isn’t even here yet and things are definitely already changing. I feel like I’m being a horrible best friend because I’m just not excited about it. I mean, I am in a way, because I’m pretty much going to be an aunt… But yeah… You know what I mean. :(

I am happy for most of them. I have had many of my girlfriends whose only goals were to get married and have a family and rush into it and now they are divorced, single women with no security. I am probably going to marry my boyfriend a some point but I am only 26 and and we have only been together for 3 1/2 years. I am working on being able to support myself and I want to make sure it is the right thing. I think it takes a long time to figure out if you have the same values another person has to determine if they are the best match for future plans. If we broke up it wouldn’t be the worst thing that has happened or will ever happen to me

I also get concerned because I know that a lot of them, as jessturtle said, are rushing into things. I do not think that my best friend (and her boyfriend, for that matter) are ready to be parents. I wasn’t even ready to get married after five years in a relationship, even though he asked me. I questioned it, so I didn’t do it. Which is good, ‘cause it ended badly, but yeah… No rushing.

I find explaining that I don’t intend to marry until I have some degree and don’t intend to have kids until I have a ph.d helps. :)

Most friends know that I don’t particularly agree with the notion of marrying so soon. Its a romantic idea and all, but ultimately isn’t necessary. If religion factors in to it… well… I feel sorry for women who get out of highschool and intend to be baby making machines for the rest of their lives. I couldn’t do it. And I don’t believe in restricting sexual activity until you’ve sworn to only touch that person. I think those thoughts lead to a much higher percent of unhappy marriages. And people who get married because they get pregnant are people I have very little faith in because they usually weren’t using any kind of protection. I mostly refuse to celebrate shotgun weddings, as well. I guess its more of a loaded crucifix than a shotgun….

Oh my. I ranted. Sorry.

(And yes, my recent breakup with my boyfriend of four years has greatly changed my perspective. I will, from here on out, never understand people who get married after only dating for six months or a year or less.)

This question is the story of my life! I try to avoid such events when I can, but sometimes you just have to go and do what you got to do.

Show off that you still have a life as a single person. You can go and do whatever you want whenever you want with who ever you want without having to worry about getting home to your husband or kids.

Well, I already have one degree, and am working on my second on. Soby Delirium’s standards, I should already be married :o)

@ babygalll—I wish it were that easy. I feel as if I have no more single friends. Why is society so driven by the need to be in a relationship to feel complete? Single women should not have to feel guilty for being independent, which is what I’m trying to focus on.

I know exactly how you feel. Going from being part of the majority to being the minority.

All my good friends are married and have kids. When the weekends come they are all busy doing family things which is fine and I totally respect that, but I do miss going out the way we used to.

I hear it all the time from family memebers “oh, you’re next or when are you getting married” Marriage is so overrated and you want to do when you are ready. Not when people want you to get married.

I try to enjoy being single and not thinking about it. I know it’s hard at times, but we just have to accept it.

My mom was convinced that whenever my last boyfriend wanted to surprise me with anything (the five year relationship guy) that it was going to be a true engagement. No matter how often I told her that wasn’t going to be the case – because I would have known, even if he tried to surprise me – I always thought in the back of my head, “And even if I am wrong, I won’t say yes. There’s still too much that needs to be worked on, etc.” But she always got so excited about it and I just didn’t like dealing with it. I didn’t have the same mind-set she did and it was hard to deal with, because I know most people don’t see it my way.

Hahaha, okay, I refine my statement.. a degree is dandy, but I might need a guy.

You may find more single people in their 20’s and 30’s if you live in a city or a college town. Also, I think that there are certain regions of the country where people tend, on average, to get married later. It is certainly the case in my city.

answerjill: I’d like to know where you live, cause in my college city on the south, everyone gets married as soon as possible

I don’t buy gifts, I organize showers :)

The idea of getting married is far more exciting than the reality of being married. “The Wedding” has taken on a life of its own. We have friends who spent $25,000 or more on weddings for their daughters only to have the marriage end in a year or two. I sometimes think it’s more about bride fever than about the relationship.

Lots of promiscuous sex.

You are still young. These days people are getting married well into their mid/late 30’s and 40’s. They are older and more mature then those that get married in their 20’s.

alcohol and meaningless sex helps

I’m still single and in my 30’s. I usually go back and forth with how I feel about my status. Some days I am happy I am single and free to go and do whatever, whenever. Other days I feel a bit sad, not because I’m not married, but mostly because I don’t have an intimate loving relationship in my life. I think today I’m feelin’ a little sad, but I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll be feelin’ glad. ;-)

I don’t know. I’m not single now, but when I was I went through a few weddings, engagements, and showers for my sister, cousins, and best friend. I thought they were all very exciting. Well, I don’t really like babies, so the babies weren’t exciting, but the rest of it was good. I didn’t really view it as something that needed to be dealt with—it was their lives. Of course, these were all also during college and I had no intent to live near enough to these people for my life to be strongly changed by them.

I do know that for a good friend now, there is some angst involved in seeing my boyfriend and I together. He thinks we’re great together, but he wanted a girlfriend, still wants a girlfriend, and that we’re together and really strongly together (ie, at their house all the time) takes its toll on him. I know it does. I think he deals with it by being as busy as possible—both with other friends and with hobbies. I know that one thing that really helps him is having other single friends. Being the only one that isn’t single is just… no fun.

JAD: I live in the Boston-area.