Are you usually the more powerful half of a relationship?

I use to be the more powerful one in relationships until I grew a little and realized how shitty that was. I can convince my SO to do it my way if it is an absolute deal-breaker but that rarely happens. I’m happy he is independent but I do still have that old side of me that says things like “I will let you do so and so if you do this for me” and he usually looks at me and says “you’ll LET me?” . I also find him way more attractive because he is not a push over like all my other boyfriends.

The question is, attractive to whom? What research, and how does it define “attractive”?

I’ve been the powerful one in the very few relationships I’ve had and I like that, actually I love that :)

This is a terrible way to think. Relationships require two free standing independent people that choose to be with each other.

A terribly unhealthy dynamic that is unfufilling for each person creates a void that is filled with all of the terrible byproducts of the “who has the power” mentality.

There’s voluminous research, with multiple ways of determining attractiveness; sometimes independent judges are used; other times it is the subjective view of the spouse or partner. See below for one way of defining attractive.

For one study it was like this:
Physical attractiveness. Six trained research assistants rated the facial attractiveness of each spouse from the videotapes on a scale ranging from 1 to 10, in which higher ratings indicated more attractive faces. To maximize the objectivity of these ratings, (a) coders rated the first neutral still frame from within the first 60 s of partners’ first interaction, (b) coders rated each spouse independently by covering the face of one spouse at a time and rating all the husbands first and all the wives second, (c) and none of the coders who rated attractiveness also coded support interactions. Consistent with findings that people within and across cultures show very high levels of agreement about who is attractive (Langlois et al., 2000), the reliability of our coders was quite high (coefficient 
.90 for ratings of husbands, and coefficient 
.93 for wives). To assess levels of attractiveness, we computed the mean attractiveness rating across raters.

Physical Attractiveness, Romantic Love, and Equity Restoration in Dating Relationships
Authors: Joseph W. Critelli; Lewis R. Waid

Abstract
Measures of physical attractiveness, romantic love, and dominance were given to a sample of 123 dating couples. Contrary to expectation, attractive subjects were not loved more than those judged as less attractive. As suggested by equity theory, however, subjects who believed that their partners were the more attractive member of the dyad loved their partners more (p < .05) and indicated greater submission in their relationships (p < .01) than those who believed that they were the more attractive member. The results suggest that as the dating relationship progresses, the relative difference in attractiveness between partners may become a more important determinant of attraction than overall level of attractiveness.

Beyond Initial Attraction: Physical Attractiveness in Newlywed Marriage
James K. McNulty
University of Tennessee
Lisa A. Neff
University of Toledo
Benjamin R. Karney
University of California, Los Angeles
Physical appearance plays a crucial role in shaping new relationships, but does it continue to affect established relationships, such as marriage? In the current study, the authors examined how observer ratings of each spouse’s facial attractiveness and the difference between those ratings were associated with (a) observations of social support behavior and (b) reports of marital satisfaction. In contrast to the robust and almost universally positive effects of levels of attractiveness on new relationships, the only association between levels of attractiveness and the outcomes of these marriages was that attractive husbands were less satisfied. Further, in contrast to the importance of matched attractiveness to new relationships, similarity in attractiveness was unrelated to spouses’ satisfaction and behavior. Instead, the relative difference between partners’ levels of attractiveness appeared to be most important in predicting marital behavior, such that both spouses behaved more positively in relationships in which wives were more attractive than their husbands, but they behaved more negatively in relationships in which husbands were more attractive than their wives. These results highlight the importance of dyadic examinations of the effects of spouses’ qualities on their marriages.

@spargett: that may be an opinion with a lot of support, but it doesn’t make the issue unworthy of study. It is often unacceptable to express facts that science has proven, because they don’t fit our image of how we should be.

In fact, power is an important component to the success of relationships, as you would agree, seeing as how you believe it should be equal—and I agree with you there. Relative attractiveness of partners is related to the power each partner holds.

So you have one study there that tries to produce objective results with statistics, one study that uses the two partners’ subjective statements about whether they believe they are the more attractive partner, and one study that correlates it with the ambiguously described “observer ratings of each spouse’s facial attractiveness.”

Keep handwaving about “volumes of study,” and let me know when psychology and sociology have joined phrenology as pseudoscientific claptrap.

Nice rhetoric, cwilbur. It doesn’t mean shit. When you want to do some research, and when you want to read every damn study, then you can call it claptrap. Statistics are an excellent tool for scientific investigation, and it produces good results, although you have to be able to understand it to know that.

Interesting studies. I haven’t seen this in my or my friends’ relationships though. Me and my partner are equally attractive but I’m still the more powerful force :)

I was almost always the more powerful one in my relationships, though not always the more attractive partner. When I was younger, I thrived on that feeling of power, but quickly became bored with most of my partners. I have been in 2 relationships where I was the less powerful partner. In one of those relationships the man was more attractive than me, in the other I’d say we were about equal. Both of those relationships sucked for me. I am now in the best relationship of my life, married to my equal.

ya Im always the strong 1 just cuz Im more experienced

ive only had a few gfs tho, it usualy gos well 2 :) until they over reeact

YES I AM! just dont let trance24 know :P

Nah, i dont really think either of us are “more powerful” than the other. Ive been in both positions before and i really dont like either. I would rather date someone i see as an equal than someone i find “inferior” or someone who i feel i need to watch every little thing i do as to not upset them. I gotta say this whole equal thing works out much much better than those previous relationshits.(before you say it, no im not referencing dane cook.)

I have ALWAYS been the dominant of the two partners n any relationship ive been in, except for the one im in now. He has always been the dominant person in his relationships as well. There seems to be a very good balance between the two of us, blame it on our attractiveness, sure, I just think we communicate very well.

My husband and I agree that we seem to be fairly well balanced, and we like it that way.

This is the first relationship Ive ever been in where I am actually the dominant partner. It has something to do w/ the attractiveness factor, as much as I try to deny it. Also, he’s kind of put himself on some pretty thin ice lately, throwing the ball of our relationship completely into my court. I liked it better in the beginning when there was an equal amount of power shared between us, but as things have progressed, it’s become more one-sided. I’ve also been on the “underside” of a relationship, and that’s awful. I felt as though if I said or did anything wrong, they’d drop me like a hat.

I’m always the more dominant one and I like my girlfriends to be more submissive. Although not in a “I’m going to walk all over you, MY WAY” type of way. I think a relationship can be equal and still allow for defined roles (however conventional or abstract they might be.) Attractiveness, I should assume, is totally subjective.
I think that a fair amount of relationship problems stem from the these roles not being recognized or understood.

We are both pretty cute, and neither one of us is more dominant. We are true partners. I don’t need my wife to be submissive to know that she will follow my lead at times. And she doesn’t need me to be submissive to know I will follow her. We have a true partnership.

My husband recently told me that I am the stronger one in this relationship. My jaw literally hit the floor, because he is not one to say something like that, the macho thing you know. So, to me, that was the best compliment he could ever give me. I almost cried.

my husband and I are both very attractive and our stregnths and weaknesses compliment each other perfectly – it’s what makes us such a strong team together.

In my last relationship people constantly told me that I could easily be with someone more attractive than who I was with. He was in no way what most people would consider “ugly”, they just thought I could do “better”.

That being said… He definitely had the power. Until I broke it off, anyway.

Not the more powerful,but the more dominant.